Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
A few months ago, while video taping my nephew's reception, I noticed that people give the worst marital advice at weddings.
I like to call it, the 11th commandment: Thou shalt never go to bed angry.
Who thought of that anyway? Some sweet little single lady in Japan?
Everyone knows Asian people don't go to bed angry! They have no reason to, because their food is so deliriously delicious. If Americans got to eat Asian food every day, we'd never go to bed angry either.
Am I right? Or am I right?
The thing about Asian food is that it doesn't just taste delicious in your mouth as you're chewing and swallowing, it's yummy in your tummy too. For hours afterwards. Ever noticed how the satisfaction lingers on and on and on? Especially after you eat Korean Bulgogi. Mmmmmm. From Sam Hawks in Provo. Mmmmmm. Mmmmmm. Mmmmmm.
It's a quintessential What-about-Bob experience.
There would seriously be peace on earth if everyone on the planet could eat Korean Bulgogi before they go to bed each night.
And it would solve the world hunger problem too.
I wonder if that sweet little single lady in Japan had any idea how many people would tell two friends not to go to bed angry. And they'd tell two friends. And they'd tell two friends. And so on and so on and so on, until the whole world was laying in bed at 3 a.m., refusing to close their eyes until they were no longer breathing fire through their nostrils.
I figured out the trick to not going to bed angry years ago. It's called sleep! Not a whole night's sleep, just a 6-8 hour cat-nap, until the sun comes up and I feel rational again.
Works like a charm.
Never go to bed angry is what I call cookie cutter wisdom--a one-size-fits-all piece of advice, which works well if you're the right shape and size. Or the right age. Age four, for instance. Or size four. All advice fits perfectly at age four. Or size four. But as your brain starts to age and put on a few lbs., cookie cutter wisdom starts constricting your blood flow.
I'm not saying it's impossible to squeeze yourself into cookie cutter wisdom after you've grown out of it. With a little creativity and a lot of deep thought you can fit the mold forever.
And then suffix it with "Just sayin'" or "Bless her heart."
They also know that an apple a day does keep the doctor away. If you're throwing it at his head.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
I learned that from my daughter.
But that's not what she did when she found out that her friend had cancer. She did this:
Sometimes it makes you feel better to do nice things for the people who make you want to inhale cake batter.
I also learned that from my daughter.
There are other things, which I didn't learn from my daughter, that make me feel better. Like going to my happy place.
I call it my happy place, but it's actually just a bunch of big ol' fields between the two high schools my kids attend. My daughter wouldn't be caught dead calling a field her happy place, but my other daughter would.
That's right, Lulu and I have the same exact happy place. I'm not sure why we both love it so much. Maybe because it's full of weeds.
Beautiful weeds that grow tall and strong and bloom where they're planted, despite the fact that they're planted among a bunch of weeds.
When we get to our happy place I take the leash and harness off Lulu and let her run free.
I also take the leash and harness off my mind and let it run free to throw compost on the weeds.
Get a load of how artsy fartsy I look when my mind is throwing compost on the weeds.
(Btw, does this photo make my chin look hairy?)
So yesterday Lulu and I were in our happy place and my mind started roaming free about why I'm back here in Utah, and I realized that I'm here as a student, to learn a thing or two, and to challenge the Utah Mormon myths and stereotypes.
(I also came back because my hub was coming back, and I'm a follower if you ever did see one.)
Some of the things I've learned since I moved back to Utah are things I remember learning during my childhood, like how some people have way too much, and others don't have close to enough. But hey, that's life beyond Marxism, even for the Mormons.
Other things I've learned are personal things I've been trying to put my finger on for years, like why I never take anything edible from my MIL.
It's not her fault, it's her technique. She doesn't know how to sell the food she's offering. I'm talking about proper rhetoric. For instance, when offering a piece of cheese she should refrain from saying things like, "I already cut the mold off."
Aged to perfection. That's alls she needs to say. You get me?
Other phrases she should avoid include, "This fruitcake has been in my freezer since 1990," or "These nuts are bland and no one else will eat them, would you like some? I have plenty. No really, I have plenty."
And then there are the Utah stereotypes I've been busting. Like the one about Utah drivers. It is a mystery to me why we have such a bad reputation across the nation. I only see one problem with our driving and I don't blame us, I blame Harry Potter because he is the one who came up with that whole cloak of invisibility dealio.
Utards love the cloak of invisibility, though I concede we need to use it more responsibly when driving. See we don't use it to make ourselves invisible, but rather to make all the other cars on the road invisible. This is the reason our state song is that Beatles hit I'm Looking Through You.
Our cloak of invisibility allows us to become completely unaware of the great other. This is why we don't smile or wave you on, or let you turn in front of us, or scoot over when we are blocking your path. It's nothing personal, we just don't see you there waving hello with your middle finger.
This is also why our greatest crime on wheels is driving 25 mph in the fast lane without getting over.
Can you blame us though? Seriously, how else can we feel like were living in the fast lane without actually putting the pedal to the medal?
While I was in my happy place throwing compost on the weeds I think I may have also busted the myth about Utah's high depression and stress rate.
But I'll save that for next time.