They say that families who play together stay together, so yesterday we had a family fun day.
"Where are we going?" the kids asked.
"To the movies," I said, "and if you're really lucky you'll get to see a double-feature."
We checked them out of school, deoderized them, clipped their toenails, cleaned out their ears, flossed their teeth and plucked their nose hairs before arriving at our destination by 8:30 am.
"This isn't the movies! This is the dentist!" said the kids.
"No, this is where we come to watch movies, and they clean our teeth while we're at it," I told them, but they were so on to me.
"This is supposed to be our family fun day!" They whined.
"Then I suggest you have fun!" I whined back.
We ended up watching a triple feature, (if watching The Bee Movie twice counts) because our dentist had extra time to fill our cavities. (bonus! more free toothbrushes, play money and light up yo-yo's to give away at birthday parties)
Fortunately I got the quiet hygenist so I didn't have to worry about making chit chat with a suction tube in my mouth. The only thing I had to concentrate on was where to rest my eyes, which is tricky. Making eye contact with that surgical mask and plexi-glass face sheild gives me PTS C-section flashbacks, and if I look at the bright overhead light for too long I swear I can see those who passed before me comin' for to carry me home. I steadied my eyes on a stuffed monkey in a Huck Finn hat and a silk flower lei which was hanging from a raffia vine on the ceiling. (It's an adult-proof dentist)
My husband got the chatty hygenist. Her room is much like my own when I was 13 and obsessed with Scott Baio--floor to ceiling magazine cut-out collages. Mostly of cats. The only thing she loves more than cats and dental floss is talking about cats and dental floss, (but only when she's scraping your teeth with sharp objects. When you're right side up with your mouth shut she's aloof).
Having the chatty hygenist clean your teeth takes twice as long as the quiet hygenist, with much more eye contact. She brings out flow-charts and flip-boards and power-point presentations to teach you how to properly floss your teeth. (Did you know, btw, that your middle finger, not your index, finger, is the most effective finger to floss with? Double dog dare you to try it sometime).
Once the training is complete the flossing commences, and as soon as your gums are adequately bleeding, she begins telling you stories of how her favorite cat was once in the hospital in a coma for 3 months. Her heartless husband kept telling her it was time to pull the plug even though she could feel the cat wasn't ready.
Usually I ask her to tell me the one about how she brushes her dog's teeth every morning and night and buys big doggy toothbrushes by the bulk--1000 at a time. I just love that story.
Yesterday I could hear her telling my husband about a trip she is planning to Asia, where you can adopt an elephant. First she will get to catch the elephant, then wash him, feed him and ride him through the jungle for 10 days.
Whodathought Dental Hygenists led such exciting lives?
Overall, it was a successful family fun day. For only $342.40 we got 3 movies, 6 flouride treatments, 32 x-rays, 5 fillings and a purse full of cinnamon dental floss.
Score!
Plus I don't have to feed the kids for a week. (wouldn't want to get their teeth dirty)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Me no speaka algebra!
I'm totally having a snow-globe moment. It's not the first time. It happens whenever I snorkle too. There's something about gliding along with all the humuhumu's and the nukunukus and the apu'a'a's in their underwater animation, that makes me think, Hey, the world doesn't actually revolve around me! How 'bout that.
It's a real fish-out-of-water feeling. Like when I was in China last year visiting Xian University and 99.9% of all the students I met were English majors who could quote Hamlet better than me, an English teacher.
I was in China for 2 weeks and I went to lunch with students, played ping pong with students, danced with them, sang with them, and even bought pirated movies with them. And what did they want to talk about? Avril Lavigne. They all talked about Avril Lavigne. And Prison Break, and 24, and David Letterman, and George W. Bush, and of course, Hamlet.
My point is, I didn't feel like a stranger. Imagine how strange that feels in a strange land!
I call that a snow-globe moment. It's not the same thing as an ah-ha moment--no sudden striking realization. It's more a flickering, when your little bubble gets shaken and you get an inkling that there's a big wide world out there who knows the punch-line to a joke you've never even heard. And when you finally hear it, you scratch your head and think, huh?
Well, that's how I've been feeling lately.
It all started on Friday after my daughter performed with the dance team at the Kahuku Football game. Afterwards, one of her dance mates rushed towards her mom bubbling, I did a perfect Barrel tonight! Good job, said her mom, and I hit a perfect E. Yea! I can't wait until I can hit a perfect E! she gushed back.
Don't worry, I didn't get it either. But they did. They understood each other!
So I said to my daughter, "Hey, you hit a perfect baby-doll tonight."
She looked at me and with that mom's-are-from-venus-dad's-are-from-mars" face and said "What's a baby-doll?"
I began illustrating (until her eyes bulged out of her head). "That's NOT a baby-doll. That's a toe touch!"
"Well, in my day it was called a baby-doll."
TIP: Never say, in my day, around your teenager.
She rolled her eyes. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
That was the first flickering. But last night I had another. It all began on our living room floor.
It's a real fish-out-of-water feeling. Like when I was in China last year visiting Xian University and 99.9% of all the students I met were English majors who could quote Hamlet better than me, an English teacher.
I was in China for 2 weeks and I went to lunch with students, played ping pong with students, danced with them, sang with them, and even bought pirated movies with them. And what did they want to talk about? Avril Lavigne. They all talked about Avril Lavigne. And Prison Break, and 24, and David Letterman, and George W. Bush, and of course, Hamlet.
My point is, I didn't feel like a stranger. Imagine how strange that feels in a strange land!
I call that a snow-globe moment. It's not the same thing as an ah-ha moment--no sudden striking realization. It's more a flickering, when your little bubble gets shaken and you get an inkling that there's a big wide world out there who knows the punch-line to a joke you've never even heard. And when you finally hear it, you scratch your head and think, huh?
Well, that's how I've been feeling lately.
It all started on Friday after my daughter performed with the dance team at the Kahuku Football game. Afterwards, one of her dance mates rushed towards her mom bubbling, I did a perfect Barrel tonight! Good job, said her mom, and I hit a perfect E. Yea! I can't wait until I can hit a perfect E! she gushed back.
Don't worry, I didn't get it either. But they did. They understood each other!
So I said to my daughter, "Hey, you hit a perfect baby-doll tonight."
She looked at me and with that mom's-are-from-venus-dad's-are-from-mars" face and said "What's a baby-doll?"
I began illustrating (until her eyes bulged out of her head). "That's NOT a baby-doll. That's a toe touch!"
"Well, in my day it was called a baby-doll."
TIP: Never say, in my day, around your teenager.
She rolled her eyes. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
That was the first flickering. But last night I had another. It all began on our living room floor.
Like this.
A classic Dad-helping-daughter-with-her-algebra-II scene. I wasn't paying much attention, but somewhere in between killing a cochroach and throwing out the moldy rice, their words began coming through in waves. Words like point slope form and slope intercept form.
Did you know that when a negative crosses the equal sign it becomes a positive? Did you know that anything squared is a curve? And did you know that when the line is perpendicular to y = x – 2 the slope is the negative reciprocal?
Neither did I.
(Snow globe moment!)
They were plugging a point into the slope–intercept formula, and solving for X. They were adding 2's and replacing y's and plusing b's, and she was saying hmmm and ahhhh and I was saying Did I give birth to you?
He was saying that an equation for the line parallel 2y=2x-2 is y equals 1/2, and she was saying oh, that makes sense now and I was saying and a baby-doll doesn't?
It's all Greek to me, and not Greek in that imaginary-romantic-encounters sense of the word.
Long story short, I'm feeling all alone in my little snow globe world, where negatives don't get to be positives just because they cross the dadgum equal sign and squares have to stay straight because they're just not supposed to curve.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Is your hairdresser holding a grudge?
I've been going to the same hairdresser for at least 5 years. It's been a rocky relationship, but somehow she keeps me coming back for more. It started as a total rebound thing--I was vulnerable. I'd been through a whole string of bad hairdressers and decided I'd had enough. I swore off beauticians and began chopping the b'jeebies out of my own hair until finally I had to face the reality that I looked like a mushroom. That's when she came along.
We first met at HCA (Hair Cutters Annonymous). There was a language barrier, she speaks vietnamese and I don't, so at first we communicated non verbally. I would make an un poco sign with my fingers and she would go ahead and chop 6 inches off my bangs.
Then I began showing her photos of super models I'd like to emulate. She would laugh hysterically and chop 6 inches off my bangs.
Finally I resorted to speaking, repeating the word trimmmm--several times loudly and slooooooowly. She would nod her head loudly and sloooooowly, and go ahead and chop 6 inches off my bangs.
I broke it off a few times and tried to make it on my own, but I always came crawling back, mostly because, after the initial shock-and-awe, I don't have to get another haircut for 9 months.
Today I paid her a visit after a whole summer away. I was admittedly nervous at first because, while on vacation, I got caught up in the moment and let someone else cut my hair. Before walking into the salon, I tossed a pinch of salt over my shoulder, did three Hail Mary's and hoped she wouldn't notice the change. At first I thought things were cool between us, but when she chopped 7 inches off my bangs, I knew she was holding a grudge.
Here are a few of the signs to help you determine if your hairdresser may be holding a grudge too:
1. She seatbelts you into the chair before shampooing your hair.
2. When you say the word trimmmm, she pulls out pruning shears and a leaf blower.
3. She sings La Vida Loca while sharpening her shears.
4. You don't remember the cutting cape being made of heavy burlap.
5. While making small talk she tells you Sweeny Todd is her favorite movie.
6. She then tells you she's seen it 113 times.
7. When she finishes thinning your hair, she starts in on your wobbly tricepts.
8. She cracks up while apologizing for accidentally giving you a mullet.
9. She cracks up while asking you if you'd like some mousse with your mullet.
We first met at HCA (Hair Cutters Annonymous). There was a language barrier, she speaks vietnamese and I don't, so at first we communicated non verbally. I would make an un poco sign with my fingers and she would go ahead and chop 6 inches off my bangs.
Then I began showing her photos of super models I'd like to emulate. She would laugh hysterically and chop 6 inches off my bangs.
Finally I resorted to speaking, repeating the word trimmmm--several times loudly and slooooooowly. She would nod her head loudly and sloooooowly, and go ahead and chop 6 inches off my bangs.
I broke it off a few times and tried to make it on my own, but I always came crawling back, mostly because, after the initial shock-and-awe, I don't have to get another haircut for 9 months.
Today I paid her a visit after a whole summer away. I was admittedly nervous at first because, while on vacation, I got caught up in the moment and let someone else cut my hair. Before walking into the salon, I tossed a pinch of salt over my shoulder, did three Hail Mary's and hoped she wouldn't notice the change. At first I thought things were cool between us, but when she chopped 7 inches off my bangs, I knew she was holding a grudge.
Here are a few of the signs to help you determine if your hairdresser may be holding a grudge too:
1. She seatbelts you into the chair before shampooing your hair.
2. When you say the word trimmmm, she pulls out pruning shears and a leaf blower.
3. She sings La Vida Loca while sharpening her shears.
4. You don't remember the cutting cape being made of heavy burlap.
5. While making small talk she tells you Sweeny Todd is her favorite movie.
6. She then tells you she's seen it 113 times.
7. When she finishes thinning your hair, she starts in on your wobbly tricepts.
8. She cracks up while apologizing for accidentally giving you a mullet.
9. She cracks up while asking you if you'd like some mousse with your mullet.
Ahhhh herbs! part II
If there's one thing I try to do, it's learn from my mistakes.
So let me share what I've learned about herbs.
My neighbor gave me a whole list of fun ways to use herbs:
1. Herbal teas (both hot and cold): use homemade as a key search word.
2. Herbal butter logs (use herbs and chop it up, mix it with butter and freeze it in a log shape, then cut it up as needed and use it to cook fish, veggies, etc.)
3. Herbal Ice--take some of the herbs and put them in ice trays then freeze to create a nice flavored drink.
4. Herbal vinegars for dressings--search word, homemade herbal vinegars on the internet for recipes.
5. Potpourri--dry the herbs and use it as potpourri. (Mmmmm, I like this yummy idea.)
6. Herbal soaps--make liquid hand soaps and use herbs for the fragrance.
REMEMBER: When cooking with herbs the ratio is 3 fresh to 1 dry. Most herbs are easy to grow and you can buy them at several shops, including Wal-Mart and Shopko. They are fairly inexpensive .90 - 1.80.
And I saved the BEST idea for last.
7. Herbal baths--there are a lot of great recipes for herbal baths and therapy. Just search the key words "homemade herbal baths"
Here are some recipes I lifted from: http://www.diabetic-lifestyle.com/articles/may04_cooki_1.htm
Facial Sauna: There's nothing simpler or more effective for cleansing and purifying one's complexion. boil three cups water and add these herbs: 1 heaping tablespoon each of chamomile, lavender, fennel, lemon balm, sage, and rosemary. Simmer for 15 minutes; turn off the heat. Pour into a metal bowl.
Soothing Cleansing Herbal Soak: Hop into your bathtub for a long, soothing cleansing herbal soak, in the well-established European manner. You can prepare an herbal infusion on the stove or make up bath sachets to have ready in a pretty basket sitting beside your bathtub.
To make an infusion: pour boiling water over a handful each of rosemary leaves, mint leaves along with some thyme, lemon balm, and lavender flowers. Let steep for about 20 minutes. Add to your bath water and soak for 5 to 15 minutes.
An herbal bath helps you in two ways: first, your skin absorbs the essential oils from the herbs through the hot water, and then the steam makes the volatile herb oils vaporize in the air and release their marvelous fragrances. Some herbs stimulate your circulation, some soothe and calm you down, while others provide deep cleaning. It's the combination that provides the harmonizing effect that makes herbal baths so pleasurable.
Bath bags are easily made out of unbleached muslin, tied with twine. Using pinking shears, cut the muslin into 8-inch squares. Mix together 1/2 cup dried hibiscus flowers and chopped lemon balm, mint, chamomile, lavender flowers, and rosemary leaves. Place about 2 tablespoons in the center of each cloth square. Gather the muslin tightly around the herbs and tie with twine, first making a double knot and then a bow. Several minutes before getting into your bath, swish one of the herbal bath bags round in the hot bath water. It'll scent the water and the room, soothing your skin as you soak. Keep the bags in a pretty basket near your tub to have ready for the next time. They'll scent the bathroom at the same time.
Herbal Foot Bath: Soak away sore spots on your feet with a herbal foot bath. This steamy herb combination will stimulate your foot circulation, soothe your foot muscles, and soften the skin.
Combine 1/2 cup of each of the following herbs: chamomile, comfy, lavender, and rosemary. Infuse the herbs in a quart of warm water and pour into a foot basin partially filled with warm water. Wrap some of the herbs in cheesecloth to form a compress. Gently apply or massage this compress into any sore spot while soaking.
So let me share what I've learned about herbs.
My neighbor gave me a whole list of fun ways to use herbs:
1. Herbal teas (both hot and cold): use homemade as a key search word.
2. Herbal butter logs (use herbs and chop it up, mix it with butter and freeze it in a log shape, then cut it up as needed and use it to cook fish, veggies, etc.)
3. Herbal Ice--take some of the herbs and put them in ice trays then freeze to create a nice flavored drink.
4. Herbal vinegars for dressings--search word, homemade herbal vinegars on the internet for recipes.
5. Potpourri--dry the herbs and use it as potpourri. (Mmmmm, I like this yummy idea.)
6. Herbal soaps--make liquid hand soaps and use herbs for the fragrance.
REMEMBER: When cooking with herbs the ratio is 3 fresh to 1 dry. Most herbs are easy to grow and you can buy them at several shops, including Wal-Mart and Shopko. They are fairly inexpensive .90 - 1.80.
And I saved the BEST idea for last.
7. Herbal baths--there are a lot of great recipes for herbal baths and therapy. Just search the key words "homemade herbal baths"
Here are some recipes I lifted from: http://www.diabetic-lifestyle.com/articles/may04_cooki_1.htm
Facial Sauna: There's nothing simpler or more effective for cleansing and purifying one's complexion. boil three cups water and add these herbs: 1 heaping tablespoon each of chamomile, lavender, fennel, lemon balm, sage, and rosemary. Simmer for 15 minutes; turn off the heat. Pour into a metal bowl.
Soothing Cleansing Herbal Soak: Hop into your bathtub for a long, soothing cleansing herbal soak, in the well-established European manner. You can prepare an herbal infusion on the stove or make up bath sachets to have ready in a pretty basket sitting beside your bathtub.
To make an infusion: pour boiling water over a handful each of rosemary leaves, mint leaves along with some thyme, lemon balm, and lavender flowers. Let steep for about 20 minutes. Add to your bath water and soak for 5 to 15 minutes.
An herbal bath helps you in two ways: first, your skin absorbs the essential oils from the herbs through the hot water, and then the steam makes the volatile herb oils vaporize in the air and release their marvelous fragrances. Some herbs stimulate your circulation, some soothe and calm you down, while others provide deep cleaning. It's the combination that provides the harmonizing effect that makes herbal baths so pleasurable.
Bath bags are easily made out of unbleached muslin, tied with twine. Using pinking shears, cut the muslin into 8-inch squares. Mix together 1/2 cup dried hibiscus flowers and chopped lemon balm, mint, chamomile, lavender flowers, and rosemary leaves. Place about 2 tablespoons in the center of each cloth square. Gather the muslin tightly around the herbs and tie with twine, first making a double knot and then a bow. Several minutes before getting into your bath, swish one of the herbal bath bags round in the hot bath water. It'll scent the water and the room, soothing your skin as you soak. Keep the bags in a pretty basket near your tub to have ready for the next time. They'll scent the bathroom at the same time.
Herbal Foot Bath: Soak away sore spots on your feet with a herbal foot bath. This steamy herb combination will stimulate your foot circulation, soothe your foot muscles, and soften the skin.
Combine 1/2 cup of each of the following herbs: chamomile, comfy, lavender, and rosemary. Infuse the herbs in a quart of warm water and pour into a foot basin partially filled with warm water. Wrap some of the herbs in cheesecloth to form a compress. Gently apply or massage this compress into any sore spot while soaking.
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