They say that families who play together stay together, so yesterday we had a family fun day.
"Where are we going?" the kids asked.
"To the movies," I said, "and if you're really lucky you'll get to see a double-feature."
We checked them out of school, deoderized them, clipped their toenails, cleaned out their ears, flossed their teeth and plucked their nose hairs before arriving at our destination by 8:30 am.
"This isn't the movies! This is the dentist!" said the kids.
"No, this is where we come to watch movies, and they clean our teeth while we're at it," I told them, but they were so on to me.
"This is supposed to be our family fun day!" They whined.
"Then I suggest you have fun!" I whined back.
We ended up watching a triple feature, (if watching The Bee Movie twice counts) because our dentist had extra time to fill our cavities. (bonus! more free toothbrushes, play money and light up yo-yo's to give away at birthday parties)
Fortunately I got the quiet hygenist so I didn't have to worry about making chit chat with a suction tube in my mouth. The only thing I had to concentrate on was where to rest my eyes, which is tricky. Making eye contact with that surgical mask and plexi-glass face sheild gives me PTS C-section flashbacks, and if I look at the bright overhead light for too long I swear I can see those who passed before me comin' for to carry me home. I steadied my eyes on a stuffed monkey in a Huck Finn hat and a silk flower lei which was hanging from a raffia vine on the ceiling. (It's an adult-proof dentist)
My husband got the chatty hygenist. Her room is much like my own when I was 13 and obsessed with Scott Baio--floor to ceiling magazine cut-out collages. Mostly of cats. The only thing she loves more than cats and dental floss is talking about cats and dental floss, (but only when she's scraping your teeth with sharp objects. When you're right side up with your mouth shut she's aloof).
Having the chatty hygenist clean your teeth takes twice as long as the quiet hygenist, with much more eye contact. She brings out flow-charts and flip-boards and power-point presentations to teach you how to properly floss your teeth. (Did you know, btw, that your middle finger, not your index, finger, is the most effective finger to floss with? Double dog dare you to try it sometime).
Once the training is complete the flossing commences, and as soon as your gums are adequately bleeding, she begins telling you stories of how her favorite cat was once in the hospital in a coma for 3 months. Her heartless husband kept telling her it was time to pull the plug even though she could feel the cat wasn't ready.
Usually I ask her to tell me the one about how she brushes her dog's teeth every morning and night and buys big doggy toothbrushes by the bulk--1000 at a time. I just love that story.
Yesterday I could hear her telling my husband about a trip she is planning to Asia, where you can adopt an elephant. First she will get to catch the elephant, then wash him, feed him and ride him through the jungle for 10 days.
Whodathought Dental Hygenists led such exciting lives?
Overall, it was a successful family fun day. For only $342.40 we got 3 movies, 6 flouride treatments, 32 x-rays, 5 fillings and a purse full of cinnamon dental floss.
Plus I don't have to feed the kids for a week. (wouldn't want to get their teeth dirty)