I was going to skip the depression and linger in the boredom stage, but last night after watching the History Channel I am not only depressed, but also disillusioned, disgruntled and a teensy bit disgusted.
The History Channel can't keep a friggin' secret. They are the TMZ of yesteryear. Last night's HC gossip was all about politics and passion.
Cover your ears children (and LoW) because if America had a gigantic fortune cookie it would say, "History will be made in the White House (IN BED)".
In other words, history is made in the White House bedroom, peeps! And that's a direct quote from the HC TMZ!
I wasn't going to say anything because I know some of you enjoy your ignorant bliss, but misery loves company so here goes:
Did you know that Kennedy once said if he didn't have a new woman every 3 days he got a headache. Eww! Someone break out the extra strength Tylenol. For goodness sake, the dude had an affair with an East German spy during the Cold War! Come on, Jack! Our future was in your hands while they were exploring East Germany?
Did you know that J. Edgar Hoover kept his job as head of the FBI for 50 years--through 10 presidents! Not because he was good, but because he blackmailed every single one of them. He documented all of their dirty-rotten secrets. And their secrets were both dirty and rotten.
If it were up to me I would have washed all of their mouths out with soap. Including J. Edgar.
Did you know that Jefferson wasn't the only one who fathered a baby with his slave mistress. Our own George Washington had a 16 year old slave assigned to the job of giving him comfort.
In case you're wondering, comfort is where babies come from.
Did you know that Honest Abe had a few skeletons in the closet, so to speak, if you get my drift, comprende?
Elenor Roosevelt also kept a few skeletons in her closet. Two skeletons exactly, Franklin not included. In fact Franklin suggested the frolicking threesome build a cottage retreat together so they could have their linens monogramed with their initials. And they did.
Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I am so out of the lesbian loop.
And don't even get me started with Benjamin Franklin. The guy should have his eyes poked out. We all knew he was a dirty old man, but seriously, he was like the Hugh Heffner of the 18th Century. The lightbulb wasn't the only thing getting turned on, do you follow? No wonder he was always falling asleep in congress.
I'm actually shocked he was never struck by lightening.
Are you okay?
Do you need a moment?
Deep breaths! Inhale. Exhale.
May I proceed?
Did you know all the founding fathers were drunk as doorknobs and stoned out of their gord when they filed for divorce from England? And they were so plastered while they were writing the constitution that they just plagiarized it from the Free Masons.
And the DaVinci Code is fo' real, peeps. And so are vampires.
Next they will try and say Brigham Young was a polygamist.
Ahhhhh! I'm not listening. La la la la la la la la la
Keanu Reeves was so right when he said life is just a big matrix.
If you need I'll be curled up on my couch eating ice cream and watching the Disney Channel.