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Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Romance is Dead!

My honeymoon with the ordinary is over.   

I tried.  I really really tried.  

I dare YOU to appreciate the simple sensory pleasures of sticky rice between your toes while walking across the kitchen floor in the middle of the night. 

I dare YOU to serenade your flat screen T.V. and XBOX 360 when they start flashing and beeping and sparking. 

You wanna know what you'll learn about romance, peeps!?  Singing sweetly gets you NO WHERE!   Especially when YOU are the only one committed to making it work. 

I should have saved all my chocolates and roses and diamonds for the dryer repair guy because he still hasn't showed up.  

And to make things worse, Michael Jackson is dead!  

I can't tell you how many times I roller skated to the public library to check out record albums of Michael Jackson. 

And I was there for the gasp heard round the world the first time he walked on the moon. 

And I remember exactly where I was the first time his nose changed shape--and the second time and the third time and the fourth time.  

But COME ONE, is he seriously going to upstage Farrah?  The one who inspired me to feather my hair and wear an orange one piece bathing suit in 6th grade.     

The inner tween in me requires a moment of silence. 









(In all seriousness,  I watched the Farrah documentary last month and I have nothing but the highest respect for how gracefully she fought her battle against cancer.   God bless her and her loved ones!)


So now that the romance is dead, I am turning to porn.  

Food porn.  Not actual food, but thoughts of food . . . memories of food . . . dreams of food.

I'm fantasizing about Cosi's in New York.  Barbaloot was right!  It's yum-o!  Best raspberry mojito lemonade ever! Thanks Barb.  

And if you guys are ever in the D.C. area go to FIVE GUYS!  mmmmm.  Now that's food porn! XXX French fries galore, with spuds straight from Driggs Ideeho.   And rated R baskets of peanuts you can break and eat to your heart's content.  If you're in Maryland you can toss the shells right onto the floor like a shameless animal, but when in Virginia, do as the Virginians do and keep it tidy.  (People are much more civilized in Virginia.)

I heard Tamn saying she's flying back to SLC for a Cafe Rio fix, but NO NEED Tamners, go to Chipotles.  It's just as finger lickin' good! 

Okay, dim the lights and cue the music . . .

I'm dreaming tonight of a place I love, even more than I usually do . . . 
And although I know it's a long road back, I promise you . . .  

I'LL BE HOME FOR BREADSTICKS!  


That's right.  I'm talking about OLIVE GARDEN!  July 11th.  In my home town of P.R.O.V.O.  

Can't wait to meet you guys!  It's gonna be soooooo weird.

BTW, the above is an actual photograph taken by moi at The Olive Garden in Times Square.  

To understand my obsession with The Olive Garden, you need to know THERE IS NO OLIVE GARDEN in Hawaii.  We only get the mouth watering commercials.  We have no way of satisfying our $7-all-you-can-eat-soup-salad-and-breadstick cravings here. 

So it stands to reason that the first place we parked our empty bellies in New York City was THE OLIVE GARDEN! 


This is me BEFORE I got this:



And this is me AFTER.


Not only does The Olive Garden have the best breadsticks on Broadway, it also has the best view!

The early bird gets the corner table. 

So peeps, The Olive Garden opens at 11 a.m. sharp.  Be there or be . . .  sitting at your own table!  
And bring your son's backwards baseball cap.


(P.S.  I totally looked like a muppet in that BEFORE shot, don't you think?)


33 comments:

Melanie J said...

Hm...I'm actually going to be in Utah on July 11. Hm...

T said...

I might get shot - but I actually prefer Chipotle to Cafe Rio... and I live within 7 minutes of Cafe Rio... but guess where I'm going next week when I'm in Colorado?

the real question is... when is the official date for your St. George appearance... with my new job I'm not sure I can swing a P.R.O.V.O. appearance! (stupid necessities of life... like money...)

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Oh no...you just me salivating for Olive Garden and it is midnight here :)

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Yay I can't wait, it is going to be the highlight of my family vacation.

val of the south said...

Great news - there's 5 Guys burger and fabulous fries in Utah - there's even one in Orem! It really is the best burger and fries - yum!!

Can't wait for the 11th - yay all of us!!!

T said...

how come when I stay up late there's no all night party at Crash's...

mark my words - I'll go to bed and then Shelle, Kritta, and the rest of the posse will begin the slumber party...

is someone watching my windows for the lights to dim? keep watching - it'll never happen (the kids are doing the officially sanctioned ONE sleepover of the summer tonight!)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey T, let's partay!! So I am flexible with St. George. I'll be there the 15th-18th so whats best for you? We better check with Shelle. And I'm hoping April can come too.

April? April? Can you come?

And Sandi? Sandi? Don't you need to come visit April? Or will you be weddinging?

Val, can you throw the porn peanut shells on the floor in Orem and Provo or do you have to be civilized?

Melanie J, PLEASE COME! I will bring you Tim Tams and we'll do a Tim Tam Spam Slam.

val of the south said...

I haven't been to that one yet, but people are very proper at the ones in Bountiful and West Valley - :( so sad, I could really rock throwing some shells on the floor. Maybe we should go there and show them how it's done!!

Can I do the Tim Tam Spam Slam too? Please??

Amber Lynae said...

Crash - I am here just enjoying your music. I enjoyed your post. I miss Provo. It has been too long. I was out in Spanish Fork for Christmas, but hubby and I have moved east and don't get back as much as we would like. C'est la vie!

IWA (e - va) said...

Good riddens to the romancing of the clean house! Thats why we have kids! or at least that's what i use my kids for!

Ohhhhhhh olive Garden... I threw the remote at the tv the last time the commercial came on... so tired of having to listen to it and no where near to satisfy the craving!

Anjeny said...

Iwa...you should switch your commercial watching to Korean commercial...they make you salivate but at least you can either grab some Korean TVA residents to stem that cravings..lol.

Crash, I'm sooo glad that your honeymoon with your clean freakishness is soo over. For a while there I thought I was in the wrong pad with you feeding your appliances chocolate and singing and dancing to them, even sending them love notes.

Is Utah going to be able to handle you this summer? Oh well, make sure you show them Utahns how we Hawaiians partay, ok? LOL

On a sad note...I'm really bumming about Farrah's passing...she's one of my favorite blond...

Haynsy said...

Here is my innermost,deepest thoughts about Olive Garden...

How is it that they, and only they, can make a salad that good?

Salad & Breadsticks is all I need.

Is it the one olive and pepperoncini?

Homer and Queen said...

Take that back about Cafe Rio and Chipotle or I will poke you in the eye!!!

We Vegas people can come to St. George! Do I have to lose weight first?

Sandi said...

Oh crap! Can I just tell you how much I would rather be rendezvousing with all of you in St. George than weddinging?? Well it's true. Weddinging is for the flippin birds.
I just can't stand thinking of the fun you girls will have without me.
Went to Olive Garden on Monday- had to drive 2 hours to get there, but it was yummo. I hate their food, but I love their salad, bread sticks and soup. It was worth the drive. By the way I was thinking you look very adorable in that backwards baseball cap :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

So Sandi, when is the weddinging to commence? Is it July 11th? Can you sneak out?

Queenie, YOU MUST COME. I see want to meet you and I hear you're very beeUtiful.

Hansay, AMEN! It's so true. How do they do it? I don't like their food much either, but I crave their soup, salad, breadsticks.

Val, can't wait for the Tim Tam Spam Slam partay! Of course you can participate. I better do an instructional video. hee hee

Anjeny, I'm sooo happy to see you again. I've missed you. Did you have fun camping? Was it ward camp?

Iwa I'm sad we're going to miss Ward camp this year. Especially if you're coming. And if Terry is coming. He always makes it fun. And your sisters make it fun. And your MOM makes it fun, even if she is the queen of guilt trips. ha ha I'll never forget the year you guys taught me to play the Ukulele and choose only Sugarland watermelon.

I need to post some ward camp photos. People will be shocked at how it goes down.

Amber lynae, I'm happy to see you hear. Welcome to our partay. I have enjoyed you dropping by. I wish you were coming back to P.R.O.V.O. for our Olive Garden Tim Tam Spam Slam. I want to meet you. Enjoy the East!

springrose said...

To bad you all are partying at Olive Garden on the 11th! I will be driving thru on the 23rd of July! Drat that 20 year class reunion of my Hubbies! Eat so yummy salad and sticks for me!!

Youngblood4ever said...

Oh Lady! Don't you know... I think I will be sleeping over to make sure I get the first seat at the O.G. on July 11th. Can't wait to meet you! WOOHOO! Love the breadsticks. Love the frozen raspberry lemonade. Love it all!

I am sure you looked really hot with feathered hair wearing an orange 1 piece. Do you have pics? Are you going to bring them to show?

Rockstar said...

The cravings of foodnography can be strong. but giving in to its tasty desires will fill our tummies for just a few hours and then it leaves us alone, empty again.

Romance… now there's an idea that lasts. (Unless you've been married to me for more than three months.) Is that why the Food Network channel is always on at my house?

Anjeny said...

Miss you more Crash. And yes, I had fun camping but now I'm soo exhausted I can't seem to put our camping gears away. And yes it was Ward camp...I took some pictures to blog about it but my damn photo whatchimacalit won't upload any of my photos...talk about frustration.

Did I mention how totally hip you look with your backwards cap?

Mariko said...

Now, just WAIT a second.
ALL THE GOOD FOOD IN NYC AND YOU GO TO OLIVE GARDEN?!!!!

No no no no no. And you cannot rearrange those letters to spell ono.

If I was in Provo, then maybe. But NYC????!
I want to be on vacation NOW so I can just eat out. I'm done romancing my kitchen.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Shucks, Springrose. I wanted to meet you and see your little preggo belly.

Yay Youngblood. And I love your new profile pic.

Rockstar. ha ha ha. Look to it! That food network channel can be addicting.

Anjeny, I keep wanting to ask you how your daughter's trip to NY went. Did she love it?

Mariko, ha ha That's how food porn goes, girlfriend. You get hungry and you EAT. It mattereth little where. But I hear you about being so done romancing your kitchen. Vacations from the kitchen ROCK!

Sandi said...

Mariko has a point. I'm kind of thinking if I ever go to NYC I probably wont be eating at Olive Garden - even if they do have a good view. Did you try the Shake Shack? Did you have a nasty disgusting street hot dog?
So, the wedding is July 24th. Kasey and Suli are coming here on the 15th. I am trying to imagine me running away to St. George on the 11th - It's only 6 hours away.I could pull it off. Then I would be in a good mood again from mingling with all of you funny girls. I think it would be beneficial for me to attend. If I came home happy my family might like me again. Hmmm. Your comment about those Laie ward campouts cracked me up because my friend Iafeta has explained how they work and I'm thinking it's worth the trip over there just to watch one unfold..hahaha. I have the night to myself and I am spending it watching season 2 of the Gilmore Girls and eating pistachio/almond ice cream- YAY!!

Sandi said...

my daughters friend, Kate calls me the blogger who doesn't blog...and judging from the previous post she may be right. Sorry for writing a novel in your comment box :)

April said...

YEAH for the St George party!!!! Sandi...you MUST come and play!!! I can't wait!

BTW...I won't be wearing my son's baseball cap...too nasty! yuck!

Barbaloot said...

Mmkay-I'm totally coming to that lunch and can't wait. But you should probly know I act rather mouse-ish when I meet people I only fake know. Just sayin. So, we're doing 11, yes? And um, I will most likely be rocking my red heels---just so you'll know it's me:)

Also, glad you went to Cosi's!! How said is it that they are not in EVERY state? I crave their bread frequently.

Also again, did you know there's a Five Guys here in Utah now? In Provo? Not far from Olive Garden?

Debbie said...

I always wonder why it is that the commercials are shown in areas that aren't covered. Weird.

Hey could I stop by at your bloggy lunch? I'd love to come say hi!

IWA (e - va) said...

Sandi... I am offically inviting you to Laie 7th Ward campouts! even though I am not in that ward... It's Crashes ward and it's the most fun you will even have camping!

This year we're (again im not in the ward, but have invited my self to come along) camping the week of July 17th-July 23 and since that won't work with your current weddinging... you can come to any future one.....

It is usually during the month of July... and we find out 6 months earlier, so that the ward members can make plan their mainland trips around it.... but i guess Crash just isnt into the whole planning around camp week thing! (Crash do you feel guilty yet? haha!)

but yes.. come... they're crazy (the cops were called twice last year!) and fun with lots and lots of food! and this is an invitation to anyone else who wants to join... When you show up... Just tell them your camping in place of the Crash Family!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

YES Debbie come! I am always excited to meet another Debbie.

And YES Sandi, Iwa is right. You must come to a 7th ward camp. I am totally going to go dig up some old photos and post them this weekend. (If they are on my external hard drive. My PC is in the shop).

Sandi that would be sooooo coool if you came to Olive Garden. But 6 hours! That's a lot of pressure to be funny in person. What if I crack? Worse yet, what if I CRASH!

I'm so excited Barb is coming in her red heels. Maybe we should go to Five Guys and throw our peanut shells on the floor like wild animals and then have Barb clog across them while repeating "There's no place like home" three times. Then we'll all break out the Tim Tams and SPAM and start doing the slam.

I'm so happy I get to meet April too. Sandi how many hours are you from St. George? Bring Kute Kasey.

Sandi I'm glad you got to have a night on your own with pecan ice cream and the Glimore Girls.. That's my kind of partay!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Someday I'm going to have a blogger retreat FOR REAL and we can all slumber partay! Wouldn't that be FUN!

Mary said...

Crazy. I love Olive Garden bread sticks!!!!!!!! AND my hub just got a gift certificate there! I mozy on down the few blocks to the OG and meet you there. :)

Isn't Provo the best! Our motto is: if you don't drink, eat!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH Mary! We are like two peas in a pod. My hub and I are LOLOLing at the Provo motto. ha ha ha That is so darn true. My IL's drag us to Up-Chuck-a-rama and Golden Coral whenever we come and we're always like WOW! People here LUB to eat.

But people here (in Hawaii) LUB to eat too. I'm just sayin' We know how to partay!

Mary said...

I'm so embarrassed by my lack of future tense in my last comment. Sorry to the English professor!!! I meant to say, "I'll mozy on down..." Don't tell my hub. He's a grammar nazi.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh don't be embarrassed Mary. I'm not a grammar nazi and I knew what you meant! Can't wait to meet you.