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Monday, June 1, 2009

The Road to Helk

I have been crawling through the valley of the shadow of humility backwards through the snow uphill both ways.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the error of my ways, which is why I'm officially turning The Crash Test Dummy Diaries into The Crash Test Dummy Gratitude Journal.

Dear Gratitude Journal,

I am so thankful this day for my next door neighbor who brings me gifts that make me vomit. May her super good intentions pave the yellow brick road to helk with wheat flavored lolly pops and gum drops.

I am also thankful for my fans who tied me up to a whipping post and spat upon me and called me a stupid stupid dummy whilst lifting my next door neighbor upon their shoulders and chanting Hail Martha!

Without my fans I wouldn't be the stupid dummy I am today. May they all enjoy the wheat flavored lolly pops and gum drops on their way to helk.

And may they never try to beat Martha in the Turkey trot lest they be pushed asunder.





I am also thankful this day that my hub has finally returned home and that he brought me stolen white tea aloe vera soap shaped like leaves.

"But I don't drink tea," I said to him.

"It's not tea, it's soap," he replied.

"But I don't drink soap either!"

DUH!

May his good intentions pave the road to helk with aloe vera.



Sincerely,

Crash



(P.S. Jeepers creepers peepers! Chillax! Me and Martha are BFFs in the real world.)

31 comments:

Anjeny said...

Ok so I didn't know that having guests could actually keep ones off the computer. Looks like I missed out on a really good post.

Just so you know...I don't like oats, cream of wheats or whatever any of that stuff is. What does one do with a farina?

Kristina P. said...

That is one serious competion there!

That's what I looked like when trying out for The Cougar. They said since I was already married, I didn't qualify. Boo.

I am LoW said...

Trying to solve the mystery here... is she bringing you gifts after pushing you down?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I'll tell you what one does with Farina, Anjeny. They put it in things, like cookies and banana muffins and then they insert their evil mad scientist laugh when their kids say "what is all this hard stuff in the cookies that keeps getting stuck in my teeth?" Then they send it to their next door neighbors so they can get hard stuff stuck in their teeth.

Kristina P. You have to be single to be the cougar?

Low, that wasn't me she was pushing.

(And before Martha comes on here and screams at me, ftr, she never touched that lady during the Turkey Trot. But she did push her down at the Big Island field trip.)

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

he he he. I love the road to helk paved with all sorts of fun things.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Anjeny glad you are back on the conmputer.

Melanie J said...

Clearly, the people who are hollering at you have never tried farina or they would be on your side.

Jami said...

I love that photographic evidence of just how scary Martha can be when you cross her. ;)

Martha said...

Actually the 1/2 of muffin that I ate was pretty dang good (Josh ate the other 1/2). See there is a use for farina and I'm pretty sure it might be sorta healthy. Still waiting for Amanda's recipe.

That's right Jami, you better not cross or mess with me. Crash already has a permanant indentation in her upper chest from a killer overhead from a few years ago. I'm still asking forgiveness for that one too.

Actually I was nice to that girl on the Big Island Trip (well to her face anyway). Since I didn't know her it took me a few days to figure her out. Your hubby had her pegged immediately, but it took me some time.

I'll have to get back with you on the spaghetti incident. I have to take some kids to school, since the oldest son who graduated gets to sleep in and no longer drives them.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Looks like I'm going to have to go back and read the comments of heedless judgers on your last post!

lori said...

My hubbie brought some of that same leaf shaped soap home too...

i wouldn't drink it either :)

Sandi said...

Look at you feeling the guilt! I hope you and that tea soap get along better than you and the farina.

Kritta22 said...

LOL I love it!

Just to note, I didn't put her up on my shoulders but she kicked me in the face on the way up.

I'm just saying.

springrose said...

The evedince sure looks incriminating, you know if it walks like a ... it must be a ... It sure looks like she is pushing you down. Must be all that cracked wheat, it's crackin her up!!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I'll definitely stay out of Martha's friendship and turkey trot ways... and ONLY the Best of friends pave our way to HELK!!! :)

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Those pics are DA BOMB. I can't stop laughing. Awesome!!!

Amanda said...

Crash, I'm glad to see you've found a more positive path :) And I'm sorry for calling you stupid, I really struggled with using such harsh language...seriously, I wrote the comment 3 times.

Martha, check out my overnight oatmeal recipe on my food blog:
http://itswhats4dinner.blogspot.com/search/label/breakfast
Replace the wheat berries with the farina, you may need a bit of extra water, play with it a bit. The difference in the farina and wheat berry is that farina is ground without the bran and the overnight cooking should soften the hard germ.

Amanda said...

the URL needs a "t" on the end to work and the post was suppose to say replace the wheat berries with half as much farina...sorry, that's what I get for typing one handed while nursing.

Homer and Queen said...

It's great to have a BFF you can push around, make fun of, and mack their baking skills! Gotta love it...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Amanda, I'm so glad you took the time to find just the right words. Stupid dummy really hit the nail right on the head.

And Martha is right on both counts--the banana muffins were delicious and she did give me a scar on my chest from smashing a tennis ball at me. And not just a physical scar. I have psychological scars too. That's the reason Martha gives me (guilt) gifts.

Hey, my verifier says codep. Short for Codependent. Do you think I'm codep on Martha?

If there was a hurricane I would be.

I hope that's not a sign.

val of the south said...

I want that muffin recipe - care to share?

wv says hipph - all the hip people eat farina!! That would be me! Thanks wv!!

SWIRL said...

tee hee.. hoo..hoooot.. snort!!

yikes- did I just [snort] on your blog???

I love the banter! I've been in school and have missed all my blogging friends.. I'm learning now.. I don't have time to goto school.. I am SERIOUSLY behind on what is going on in my blogsphere!-- or neighborhood.

I love you crash-- even if you are a dummy.

Sandi said...

I think Swirl threw that "I love you" in there just so you don't start in on her next.......

IWA said...

I love the pic of Martha pushing that lady down...hahaha! Martha your Hard core!

Anjeny said...

LOL Crash...I love that idea of sneaking little bits of your gift back in the food you share with the neighbor.

Hamster chick..thank you and I too am glad to be back on the computer again. Visitors are gone so now I can start camping out on my pc again..lol.

Sandi..didn't you read Crash's other posts where she was picking on Swirl? I think I might be next on her list...that is why I am staying as far away from her corner as I possibly can...lol. Good think I don't have any guilt gift to give her or else she will figure out how to make it into something edible and feed it back to me...lol.

DeNae said...

I want you to know I was fully in your corner from the very beginning, Crash. If you can't bag on the people you love, who's left? People you hate? Where's the fun there? At least the people you love will retaliate harmlessly with Farina and a love-shove during a benign footrace. The people you hate slash your tires and tell everyone you cheat on your taxes. Harsh!

Sandi said...

Hey Crash, several people up there^ don't believe that it's not you that is getting pushed down, so just go with it, it might give you more supporters!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha Sandi, I know. It's kinda weird taking credit for being pushed by Martha. I wish I had a photo of Martha slamming a Tennis ball through my chest where my heart used to be.

THANKS DeNae, your support means everything to me, and we are so on the same page about taking it out on the people you love.

Anjeny, I'm totally coming after YOU next.

Sandi, I saw Kute Kasey TWICE yesterday! What's up with that?

Martha said...

Yeah, people that is NOT Crash falling -- I repeat falling, not being pushed. The girl tripped over her own foot and maybe my leg a little.

That red-shirted girl is an unnamed chick that we had no clue who it was until months later. This photo was taken the day before Thanksgiving.

Then when my twins and Crash's twins went on the annual Big Island Trip (that the island of Hawaii, for you mainlanders) in March, this lady was there pretending she was in charge of the world. She was scolding all the kids left and right. Some dads were asking, "What is that teacher's name?" She's not a teacher, she's a parent. But the girl is only 27 and these are 10 year olds and the rest of us are in our 40's. Finally it came out that she just recently married a dude with three kids so she could boss them around.

Anyway, I still didn't put two and two together that she was the Turkey Trot girl until last month when someone was talking about the Big Island trip. So I went back to Crash's blog to check out the photo and yes it's her. I hope she doesn't know it's me she tripped over or I'm in big trouble. No one better tell her about this blog or she'll come boss me around.

Ok, enough of this already. Who is your next victim? Who are you going to pick on next?

Martha said...

Nan's Malt o Meal ran out today, so I'm staring her on the farina tomorrow. I gotta check out Amanda's recipe.

April said...

You can wash your mouth out with that soap for saying helk! GOSH!! BTW...I remember that pic from last year. It's when I first started following your blog and when I vowed NEVER to race Martha (or make her mad at me). ;)