Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I'm not listening! la la la la la la la

As you know I've been hustling through the stages of PVBD (post vacation boredom and depression) so I can get geared up for the stages of PVSA (pre-vacation stress and anxiety).  

I was going to skip the depression and linger in the boredom stage, but last night after watching the History Channel I am not only depressed, but also disillusioned, disgruntled and a teensy bit disgusted. 

The History Channel can't keep a friggin'  secret.  They are the TMZ of yesteryear.  Last night's HC gossip was all about politics and passion.   

Cover your ears children (and LoW) because if America had a gigantic fortune cookie it would say, "History will be made in the White House (IN BED)".  

Get it?  

In other words, history is made in the White House bedroom, peeps!  And that's a direct quote from the HC TMZ!

I wasn't going to say anything because I know some of you enjoy your ignorant bliss, but misery loves company so here goes:

Did you know that Kennedy once said if he didn't have a new woman every 3 days he got a headache. Eww! Someone break out the extra strength Tylenol.  For goodness sake, the dude had an affair with an East German spy during the Cold War!  Come on, Jack!  Our future was in your hands while they were exploring East Germany? 

tsk. tsk. 

Did you know that J. Edgar Hoover kept his job as head of the FBI for 50 years--through 10 presidents!  Not because he was good, but because he blackmailed every single one of them.  He documented all of their dirty-rotten secrets.  And their secrets were both dirty and rotten. 

If it were up to me I would have washed all of their mouths out with soap.  Including J. Edgar.  

Did you know that Jefferson wasn't the only one who fathered a baby with his slave mistress. Our own George Washington had a 16 year old slave assigned to the job of giving him comfort.  

In case you're wondering, comfort is where babies come from.  


Did you know that Honest Abe had a few skeletons in the closet, so to speak, if you get my drift, comprende? 

Elenor Roosevelt also kept a few skeletons in her closet.  Two skeletons exactly, Franklin not included.  In fact Franklin suggested the frolicking threesome build a cottage retreat together so they could have their linens monogramed with their initials.  And they did.

Oh my goodness!  Oh my goodness!  I am so out of the lesbian loop. 

And don't even get me started with Benjamin Franklin.  The guy should have his eyes poked out.  We all knew he was a dirty old man, but seriously, he was like the Hugh Heffner of the 18th Century.  The lightbulb wasn't the only thing getting turned on, do you follow?  No wonder he was always falling asleep in congress. 

I'm actually shocked he was never struck by lightening.  

Are you okay?  

Do you need a moment?  

Deep breaths!  Inhale.  Exhale.  

May I proceed? 

Did you know all the founding fathers were drunk as doorknobs and stoned out of their gord when they filed for divorce from England?  And they were so plastered while they were writing the constitution that they just plagiarized it from the Free Masons.  

And the DaVinci Code is fo' real, peeps.  And so are vampires. 

Next they will try and say Brigham Young was a polygamist. 

Ahhhhh!  I'm not listening.  La la la la la la la la la 

Keanu Reeves was so right when he said life is just a big matrix.

If you need I'll be curled up on my couch eating ice cream and watching the Disney Channel.  


The Crash Test Dummy said...

Are you mad at me for blabbing?

Amber Lynae said...

I will skip the dose of HC TMZ and join you on the Disney Channel. Yeah, I would like to believe that our country was founded by good and decent and respectful people. So I am no unreading your post, and never watching the history channel. Of course like you don't say but imply, sometimes people build their own histories. It is all told from the perspective the writer wants the viewer to take.

Melanie J said...

Hm. Maybe I won't marry George Washington now. And I totally don't buy it about Abe. La la la la la la la la!

Mariko said...

You should watch food network. Then if the history is dirty, at least you want to it.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Mariko, we don't get food network. BYUH edits it out. They are probably worried about food porn addiction.

I am LoW said...

Thanks for the warning... I kept my ears covered the whole time.

BTW, I can't wait til next week, to find the hidden message you left for me in DC. I.will.findit!!


Kristina P. said...

Man, if history was always neatly packaged like an edition of US Weekly, I would be all over it!

DeNae said...

If you are up to it, let me know and I'll fill you in on how plastered most of the mormon pioneers were most of the time. But I'll tell you what, that's the only way I would have crossed those blasted plains. In fact, there was a time when Brigham Young wrote a law that you could only purchase alcohol from your bishop.

Bishop Edwin Woolley, who lived in SLC at the time, wrote a scathing article in the newspaper, griping that because a few members of the church couldn't hold their liquor, now HE couldn't get his hands on any beer at all.


It's all about filters, ladies and gents!

Barbaloot said...

I'm not gonna lie---I don't believe all those stories. I realize that our fore fathers weren't perfect, but I feel like many stories have been made up to slander them and take them off their pedestals that they earned. I won't make excuses for them, but I don't wanna take away from the good they did for the country. Fact is they were inspired men (I'm not including JFK in this). Just sayin.

Anjeny said...

I suppose those stories were made to make the people feel better about their latest choice in leadership so they don't come off looking like a bunch of dummy...just saying. No need to throw dagger looks at me...I'm just coming in from an outside point of view, so to speak.

Wait!! What?!! Brigham Young was a polygamist? NO..I am not listening...eheheh, kidding. I knew that, I'm just having a flashback, this was my shocking response when I first found out as a newly convert and from a non-member no less.

Sandi said...

At least they left John Adams alone.
I so wish you had the food network, then you could become addicted to Diners Drive-ins and Dives with me!!

Lara said...

I don't think I can handle all of this! And especially not right before July 4th!

Now I must go curl up in a ball on my couch and watch, um, National Treasure or something.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Amen Sandi, John Adams just HAD to be a perfect angel. If I find out differently I swear to GAD I will curl up for a year and suck on jello pops.

MY sincere apologies Lara. I have offended the new girl. And yes, bad timing. Or should I say HC TMZ has bad timing.

DeNae, I DID NOT KNOW any of that. I am so trying to picture a bunch of plastered pioneers. OH MY!

well I guess they didn't have prozac or Chuck-a-rama so we can't blame them. Hmmm. Maybe in 100 years when cream o' wheat is against the word of wisdom they'll gasp at all of us.

Ha ha Anjeny! You cutie.

I'm with you Barbaloot!

Okay, I'm running over to Venus and Mars to read the guest poster. Southern Sage is a crazy crack up.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I love it when I'm the 13th commenter. Apparently I would make a great free mason. (Learned that on The History Channel.)

April said...

Let's just hope their "inspiration" came when they were sober. hehehehe!

Honestly, I am NOT surprised by anything any more. That's sad.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

LoW, I hope you find my clues everywhere in D.C. I seriously thought of you EVERYWHERE! There is a wad of gum under seat #13, row #13 in the Mt. Vernon theater. HAVE FUN! LY

IWA (e - va) said...

Hey we do have Food Network.. It's channel 16... uh.. Tuesdays are THE BEST THING I EVER ATE Night! Disney channel is Sunday night...cause thats when the new show of WOWP!

I totally believe you about Eleanor! I did a report about her in the 11th grade and always thought she looked like a butch!

I swear your posts have been totally geared at babies or I guess in this case baby making! Are you subconsciously telling us something? Heehee!

While your post didnt surprise me, it made me a little sad!

IWA (e - va) said...

Haha about Ben Franklin! It's because he's a math/science nerd..... I bet he was also in Marching Band!

wv: fluves... Iwa fluves band camp! well at least i use to!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Holy crap!! That's some shocking info. Men are dirty birds.
Thank you so much for the highlight at the top of your blog. That is so sweet and I too feel blessed we are related :) you rock!!!!

SO said...

This is why I don't watch the History Channel. It's getting worse than VH1.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I feel dirty... and violated... I'll never look at the John Hancock signature the same way again since he was probably drunk or high when he signed it...did the history channel say anything about that?

WHO KNEW about Eleanor... I bet my mom wouldn't have been as proud of me when I had to play her in the 3rd grade if she knew she liked CHICKS so much...

I ate ice cream all ready... just sayin...

Jami said...

Impossible! Falsehood! Deception! Libel! Or at least hotly (no pun intended) contested controversy.

(BTW, do I detect the biting edge of sarcasm here?)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Iwa, wait WHAT? We have the food network? I can't believe it!

I'm feeling so guilty for dragging you all down with me.

Yes, Jami you detected a note of biting sarcasm. But a wobbly biting sarcasm.

Let's talk about the Jonas Brothers. And Miley Cyrus. I'm sure they are perfect angels.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

This post totally had me ROFLing all over the place. he he he he

Kritta22 said...

Can I just say TMI!?!!!

What goes on in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, unless you are Sage, or Kritta.


Kritta22 said...

Did you know that Shelle called us the same??! Sage and me!

do you see it??

Maybe I should pluck my eyebrows more often.

Kritta22 said...

I heart National Treasure movies.

huge fan.

Except at the end of the first one when that kid grinds the gears on the car....wanna punch him.


Anonymous said...

Not mad, just shocked! What are they going to come up with next? Michael Jackson being originally black?! Please. I wasn't born yesterday people!

p.s. I love the song I'm listening to on your blog. Nice choice. Not sure what it is, but I like it. ;)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Kritta, I love how you can totally overlook the post and carry on in your own little Kritta world. I saw what Shelle said about you and Sage and I am thinking about it? ALter egos? hmmmm. I can see the resemblence, but he's way way way more . . . ya know! Perverted.

hee hee

LiafromLaie said...

Is it bad of me to find this blog the most amusing thing EVAR?! And now I'm thinking I should have taken a more serious look at History being a major... then again like I need the gossip of yesteryear floating around in my head.

And I was going to mention that BYU has the Food Network since Iwa watches it :) But she beat me too it.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Bwaaahhaaaaa! (though of course I am believing every word of this. I know disgust when I read it.)