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Monday, June 22, 2009

Sleeping Beauty (and The Other Woman)

On Saturday morning we put on our ruby red slippers, clicked out heels together and repeated, There's no place like home! three times.  It worked! Only sixteen hours and four airports later we were pulling up to our very own driveway. 

A word of advice:  When you pay only $400 to fly from Hawaii to New York/D.C. and back, don't celebrate and brag to your friends and family.  The airlines will find ways to stick it to you.  They have an evil mad scientist laboratory where they concoct the most brilliant ways to inconvenience the Cheap Ticket travelers.  

Oh lookie here, this lady only paid $4oo and she made her own seating assignments so her little family could be together forever.  How precious.  Let's split the family up so they can't sit by each other.  Muhahaha.  

Better yet, let's split them up and then stick them each in a middle seat.   

MuuuuhahhhahhahhaHA!  

Let's put one of them in between two oversized travelers and one in between two crying babies. Oh, and let's put one of them next to the hacking lady with the Swine Flu and another next to that cuddler who turns into Darth Vadar when he takes Ambian.   

And let's give them 4 layovers with tight connections.  MUHAHA.

And on their return trip let's delay the plane 2 hours and put them on the back row next to the bathroom where the seats don't recline and where they'll have to exit the plane last with only eight minutes to make their next flight.  MUUUUHHHHAAAAHAA!    

As Gad as my witness, someday I'm going to be rich and relaxed. 

But I showed them.  I slept through the whole thing.  

As soon as we sat down at Dulles airport I fell asleep for the first time in two weeks.   

I slept on the plane from D.C. to L.A.  

I slept through the 8 minutes we sprinted to catch our flight to Kona.  

I slept from L.A. to Kona and from Kona to Oahu. 

I slept in the car all the way home.  

I slept and slept and slept until 7 a.m. when I arose and made French toast, wished my hub a happy Father's Day and went back to bed.  

I slept through church and awoke only to break the Sabbath by celebrating Father's Day with Pizza Bob. 

I went to bed at 4 p.m. and slept for twelve straight hours. 

Then SUDDENLY my mind's eye popped wide open.  

Now here I am, lying in the dark at 4 a.m., listening to the wind whip through the trees outside my window and watching my curtains dance. 

And of course I'm thinking about the trip.

And all the things I will miss. 

And all the things I won't miss, like hearing my kids say I'm HUNGRY! and Are we THERE yet? and But Mom, you just went to the bathroom.

And the other woman.  I won't miss the other woman.

My hub fell in lub with another woman while we were in D.C.  She's the GPS lady on his phone. I have a sneaking suspicion that my hub would marry that GPS lady if he could.

"Now there's a woman who knows where she's going," he says. "She doesn't just blink and shrug and say I dunno in her cutest voice when you ask her directions."

"Yes, but she doesn't use prepositions correctly," I told him. "You don't turn left TO Adelphi road. You drive TO Adelphi road and then turn left ON Adelphi road. Everyone knows that."

"And she can't spell Dulles airport," I continued. "If she's so smart, why does she spell it with a B?  It's not Bulles airport."

I blame myself for his intrigue with the GPS lady. I am the one who suggested slash insisted we rent a car and a hotel for the last few days of our trip. My hub has an aversion to renting cars and hotels. In his world there is no need for such superfluous things. Just as there is no need for jackets or umbrellas or irons or water bottles.

Me, I like to be prepared for every possibility. What if I get chilly? What if it rains? What if my clothes get wrinkled? What if my mouth gets dry?

What if we have to lug all of our bags of costumes and props through the crowded streets of a busy city, uphill both ways, and then down escalators and onto congested subways and city buses?

What if I start crying and need a hot bath?  The possibilities are endless when you're traveling.

My hub folded to my extreme peer pressure and threats of divorce and that's how he became infatuated with the GPS lady.  I take full responsibility.  

If I have to share my hub's affections I guess the GPS lady isn't the worst choice. After all, she did warn me about the congestion up ahead on I-495. I immediately pulled out my Allegra and my Nasonex. 

If it hadn't been for her I would have been stuffed up for miles.

Well, it's almost 5 a.m.  I better go back to bed so I will be well rested for my upcoming PVBD (post vacation boredom and depression).

26 comments:

Kristina P. said...

So, I thought you were going to be in the Continental States this whole time, until you come to Utah, to especially visit me!

Sandi said...

Wow just reading that exhausted me! I have heard whisperings and murmurings about this mysterious GPS lady. I hate her.
Welcome home! and you made me jealous with that pizza bob comment!

I am LoW said...

So glad you are back!!!

But now I have to leave. :( And I don't get a hotel!

DeNae said...

Um, color me dumb, but if you weren't staying in hotels, and didn't have a car, where did you sleep? Park benches? Crack houses? In the Obama's "Let'e make everyone totally equal" spare bedroom? Just, you know, curious.

And I think it's entertainingly ironic that you have returned to HAWAII to go through your post vacation funk. Of course, who am I to talk? I live in Vegas. People who vacation here get to feel depressed and wiped out looonnng before they get back to GambledAwayTheMortgagePayment, North Dakota.

Mariko said...

Welcome back!
I totally get pvbd. Especially when I think that the fairy godmother is going to clean my house while I'm gone and she doesn't come through. Darn her!

Don't you have another vacation to look forward to this summer?

T said...

yikes - I need a nap now! and maybe some Pizza Bob's (because that sounds good even if I don't know what it really is)

turn the batteries backward in the GPS - the lub affair won't last much longer.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Wowie! Holy traveling horrors Batman. I suppose that is just that way life is. No way to avoid that dang Murphy guy.

So glad you are back. And July 11th is tantalizingly close. Whoo hoo! I can taste the bread sticks and salad.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Ummmmm... okay I also thought you were staying in the states until you visited ME not Kristina? who does she think she is? That BIG BLUE BLANKET she wears doesn't make her Crash's favorite? Does it?

Hello... I share your virtual blood??? Where's the loyalty!

Anyway... I hate the funk after vacations...but I love the feeling of coming home!

I'm a sleeper also... and you STILL saved money even if you had to go through all of that... it's funny cause it sounds like our FIRST trip to Hawaii...we got a deal on the flights and then sat in the same places your family sat! It was a GREAT DEAL though, my MOM kept sayin! lol

I'm with NHC... can smell those Olive Garden Breadsticks... that's sneakin up on us!

April said...

I think your hubby and my hubby were separated at birth. True story! I have to bring my own bottled water with me, and IF I forget, the daggers fly! Did you at least have extra blankets for those uncomfortable park benches? or a tent? Did GPS lady sleep in between you at night? Oh, I guess there's not room for two on a park bench, never mind!

Glad you are back safe and sound. Can't wait till next month!

Kritta22 said...

My father in law has named this GPS lady, Betsy. He says she looks like a cow.

I'm just saying! :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

HI EVERYONE! So fun to be back in the comment box with you all. I can't wait to drop by your blogs today and yell SURPRISE!

YES, July 11th is coming up. I can't wait to meet you. And greet you. And Shelle, of course you're my fav above Kristina P.

Hee hee Kristina P. never comes back so she won't see that. hee hee

DeNae, we slept in the Dorms at U of M and we showered in public restrooms there and we took metro buses and metros. Public transportation all the way. It was totally fun, but I wanted a way to haul all of our luggage to the airport. Especially since I was on my comma. That's a whole crazy story that I didn't include because I hate to be gross on my blog.

KRITTA, YAY about the quilt. I can't wait to see the photos. I'm going to email you right now. WAHOO! So excited.

I like the idea of naming the GPS lady Betsy the cow. I wonder how many marriages she's ruined. She sets unrealistic expectations for women. It's worse than porn.

hee hee

I hope she doesn't start twittering because I'm sure my hub would follow her anywhere.

Mariko, I hear you about the fairy godmother cleaning lady. It is so hard to transition into having to clean the house again. And Mariko, the judges praised you on their judging sheets. Wahoo!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH!!! The magic quilt is pieced together. I saw it on Kritta's blog. My eyes are sweating!!!! YAY for the Magic Quilt.

I am so excited!

Mary said...

Welcome home. Funny, I was sleeping all weekend as well. We must have been connected somehow.

I am LoW said...

Crash- please tell me you checked out the youtube link I sent. I think you are going to lurv it!! :)

Amber Lynae said...

I feel your pain on all accounts. I am still suffering from PVBD and my vacation was in March. And hubby just ran away with "the other woman".... he left for work in another state and took her with him while I get to stay home and take care of everything. I bet she didn't even get him a father's day gift. :) (Maybe she will get him Lost the series)

Martha said...

Welcome back. I live next door and didn't see hide nor hair of you guys yesterday and didn't dare bother your sleep.

Did you know we stole the ping pong table? Perry put up an easy corner in the back yard and we have been pinging and ponging our guts out.

The Wixom Zoo said...

Hey! I'm glad you're back! My hub also has a lub affair with his GPS...except his is in his handy dandy cell phone. It never goes away!

IWA (e - va) said...

Haha! When I worked for the airlines.. i loved when people called us to complain about the milti connections that discount websites put them through! I would smile really big in the other end of the phone and make evil laughing sounds in my brain!

Are you not going to be here for ward camp? (Im crashing this year again)

Oooooooo I love me some Olive Garden... I dont like that they constantly show hawaii peeps commercials ... especially when they have endless pasta!

Welcome back

The Crash Test Dummy said...

LoW, I just watched the link. I LOVED IT! Thank you thank you for sending it my way and for thinking of me.

I need to blog about that!

Homer and Queen said...

He asks for directions? My hubby wouldn't ask...even a phone! Even if the phone asked him if he veed directions!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Welcome back Miss Crash! We missed ya. I get PVBD too and the only cure? Junk food. Yep, you heard it here. You need ice cream or chips or chocolate or sumthin' good. (or you could give over have some SPAM)

I love my GPS lady. Actually Hubby programmed mine so that its a VW Beetle that drives me to my destination on the screen. Gotta love those kinds of bugs.

Amanda said...

Glad you're home and resting well...those flights are a real bugger, I've heard...I've never taken them personally.

Fortunately you guyus are back home, there was a major metro wreck yesterday and caused tremendous delays...I don't think the GPS lady could have saved you from getting stuck in that.

If you get a chance, go check out my baby birds on my blog...I'm like a proud mama to babies that aren't mine!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

sounds like you guys had an awesome time. There is no place like home though. Glad you are all safe and well.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Amanda, I've been watching that metro crash in shock and awe. It's so sad. Can't believe we were just there taking that metro every day. You never know when things could fall apart. I'll go check out your baby birds.

Martha, NO worries about the Ping Pong table. It was your idea in the first place and you wanted it more than we did anyway.

myimaginaryblog said...

>In his world there is no need for such superfluous things. Just as there is no need for jackets or umbrellas or irons or water bottles.

Ha ha ha ha! He must be related to my husband, or at least be the same gender. Only my husband also feels the need to over-prepare and over-pack in myseterious ways -- like the time he packed some leftover salad in an empty (clean) yogurt cup. Which later dripped tomato and lettuce juices over all the contents of the diaper bag. But at least that salad wasn't wasted!

val of the south said...

My sister named her GPS Brunhilda - she gets really mad when you don't follow her directions - commanding you to turn around. Sometimes we turn the wrong way just to annoy her!

Welcome home!!!