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Saturday, May 30, 2009

I think Martha hates me

A few days ago my next door neighbor, Martha, came rushing to my door in a state of glee.

"I got you a gift! I got you a gift!" she cheered.

She was prancing around on my porch doing the happy dance like a drunken sailor when out of the blue she stopped short as if something important had suddenly dawned on her.

"Why do I always get you gifts?" she said.

"Hmmmm" . . . I thought and thought. "Is it because I went to the DMV and spent 30 minutes filling out paperwork and receiving training, plus step-by-step instructions for your son to get his learners permit?"

"No," she said, shaking her head.

"Is it be because I recently made your daughter look like a princess for her 7th grade banquet?"


"No."

"Is it because I let your daughter lose my new wooden heart earrings at the banquet?"

It's a cute story really.  You see while Cinderella was running from Prince Charming one of the hearts fell from her ear and disappeared.  I'm thinking Charming picked it up and is now searching for the owner of his twin heart.  If Martha's daughter lives happily ever after we all know who to thank. 

"No, " Martha said.

"Is it because I'm cute?" NO. "Is it because I'm pop-U-lar?" NO NO NO!

Honestly, I have no idea why Martha gives me gifts, but this is her latest offering.


Farina.

It's like cream o' wheat, only not as creamy, and more wheaty.  It's actually more like cracked wheat than cream o' wheat.

Silly goose, Martha!  (I think she hates me.)

There were two things I loathed as a child: tator-tot casserole and cracked wheat. In my day mom's didn't have alternate meal plans for picky eaters so I used to sit at the breakfast table every morning with my down-dog frown while everyone cheerfully ate their cracked wheat.

One day I made a pinky promise to my mom that if she made me oatmeal until I turned 16 I would eat cracked wheat from that day forward for the rest of my life.

Luckily I was crossing my pinkys.

I did try to eat Martha's Farina because it was given with glee, but after 3 bites I got SERIOUSLY nauseous--granted I had just popped a One-A-Day vitamin, but I probably could have gotten sponsors for my gag-a-thon. 

You know how when you're pregnant and you eat spagetti and then you up-chuck spagetti all night long and then you can never quite shake the image of those noodles violently running for their lives via your nose?

Well, imagine that with wheat.

Or you know how when you go body surfing and the waves keep slamming your face into the sand and you're digging sand out of our ears for days.

Well, imagine that with wheat (and in your nose).

MAHALO Martha, but you can have your stinkin' Farina back!


31 comments:

Jami said...

Maybe you're pregnant! Wouldn't that be fun! j/k

I like blond creamy wheat. The brown stuff is just a different deal altogether.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

HA!... I hate Cream O Wheat also! So Martha hates ME also since she gave it to you... which means that if MArtha and I were friends she would buy ME farina!

This just keeps getting crazier and crazier!

Melanie J said...

This is sort of how I feel about powdered milk.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I try to avoid vomit at all costs. But I have never been pregnant so thanks for painting the picture so clearly for me. Boy Im sad I missed out on having noodles come out my nose. He He.

One time I was sad to never be pregnant, but not any more. Not even a little bit. Who'd have thunk I could get to that point.

Martha said...

Oh my goodness, didn't you blog about 20 million times how much you love cream of wheat? Here I think I scored the ultimate present and this is the thanks I get? Didn't your mamma ever teach you to appreciate your gifts? Or at least pretend to.

Oh and what about the pineapple from last week? You told me it was super good and sweet. Am I going to read tomorrow that it was really rancid and over ripe with bugs crawling through it?

I guess I better stick with pasta salad, bread-machine bread, and carmel pecan sticky buns.

Wait....how do I know for sure that you really like that stuff? I can never trust you again, ever.

Martha said...

And Shelle-BlokThoughts I gave crash the farina, which I thought was very similar to cream of wheat, because she said she loves it and can't get enough.

Plus my daughter, not the one pictured, eats it twice a day and I needed some more.

Sandi said...

hahaha poor Martha! I wish I had a neighbor who was just dying to give me gifts, even if they were lame gifts like cream of wheat like substances...hahahahahah (jk Martha). Boy, I'm so glad I didn't send my hub to you with Farina in hand, you are a vicious vomiting dummy!

April said...

Melanie just made me throw up in my mouth. And took me back to last year when I canned the stuff....I almost yacked all over the cannery floor.

Love cream o wheat....thought only dog food had cat food had farina in it...oh wait, that's purina cat food...hahaha!!!

Sandi said...

p.s. Martha don't you dare take anymore gifts to Crash. She SO doesn't deserve them.

Sandi said...

Hey April :) LOL at Yacked...never heard that one before!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

HEY Sandi, that was R.U.D.E I can't help it if I upchuck Farina! Did you miss the part about how I waited in line at the DMV and turned her daughter into a princess.

And anyway today is opposite day! ;)

And I do love Cream o' wheat. But I hate cracked wheat. Farina walks a fine line down the middle.

Ha ha April about the Purina.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha Shelle, you crack me up! Our brains are two peas in a pod.

Oh, and Jami, I pinky promise I'm not pregnant. No crossies.

And Martha, I cannot tell a lie when it comes to your pasta salad and your carmel pecan sticky rolls. And that pineapple was the yummiest, sweetest ever.

I'm just telling it like it is about the Farina cat chow.

Susan said...

Well, maybe if I added some red wine to it, I could stomach a bite or two??

Your writing always kills me - and by the way, YES, you are so super cute!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

I LOVE that stuff :)

aniC said...

congrats on the pregnancy.

(:

Kritta22 said...

LOL I love your comment box!

I still can't drink apple juice... I yacked that up through my nose when I was el prego.

And frosted Mini Wheats. They were my fave...not so much anymore!

Kritta22 said...

Have you heard my news....
I'm now praying for my period!

Did you take clomid to get el prego?!

Kritta22 said...

Home teacher is here...

be back later, gator!

SO said...

I hate cracked wheat cereal too! We always put so much sugar on it that it was probably far worse than the sugared cereals we could have been eating.

And spaghetti noodles out the nose? For me it was Frosted Flakes. I couldn't eat those for years and years.

Amanda said...

Oh Martha! I would give nearly anything to be your neighbor and I would gladly take your cute shorts and blouses from Kohl's and your super delcioso pineapples and your irresistible carmel pecan sticky rolls! I say you dump that Dummy and find a new appreciative neighbor (any houses open next door?)!

I would especially take your Farina and make a super scrumptuous breakfast cereal with barley, oats, apples and cinnamon and share with you to show you how appreciative I am of your generosity.

*shaking head* Stupid Dummy! Stupid, stupid Dummy.

Mariko said...

That looks good to me, actually.

Do you like steel cut oats?
Yum yum.

What if you put canned pumpkin in it?

Or baked it into bread?

Don't throw it away!!!

Martha said...

Looks like most of the comments are leaning toward you being just a little ungrateful.

I am super appreciative of the princess daughter makeover and the DMV-line wait (really I was just letting you get some experience for next year when your daughter will get hers).

I told Crash to freeze the stuff because starting tomorrow it's hurricane season and after one hits we may be stranded and hungry. Then she will be grateful.

Rachel said...

Sis. Frampton,

Thanks so much for doing my hair and stuff for the banquet. I'm super sorry about the earrings and necklace and I'm going to replace them as soon as I can. FTR (For the record) it wasn't my fault. Some dancing chick totally knocked me down and I seriously fell all the way to the ground. I looked all over for the earring, but it was really crowded.

Hey, if I bring over a flash drive could I get copies of the other pictures? I promise I won't bring over any farina with it.

Martha said...

Amanda, thanks for getting my back. Hey, that recipe sounds great. Care to share? I bought myself three bags of the farina, but I haven't tried it yet.

April said...

OH NO.....Crash...say it isn't so!!! You have a poor, cute little girl on here begging for you to forgive her....has your heart turned to mush yet? In the form of purina? I mean farina??? She said it was an accident.....please forgive her!! Come on Crash....does a dummy have a heart??? ;)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness! Will you look at that. Shame, blame and Martha Fame, all right here in my comment box. Public apologies and public humiliation.

Yes, April, my heart (the one I have left after the little princess lost the other one) has turned to Farina.

Martha hasn't tried the Farina yet peeps. I can't believe she gave me something she hadn't tried. That means she was using me as her guinea pig. Her lab rat.

But never fear, I slipped some Farina into the banana muffins and the chocolate chip cookies I made her tonight. Insert evil mad scientist laugh.

Take that Amanda!

As for Martha (disguised as a cute princess) I'm glad you lost my heart because now I can say I (you) lost my heart in Honolulu.

I forgive you. So bring over your flash drive.

And I will start my gratitude journal tomorrow.

val of the south said...

I love cracked wheat and tater tot casserole :) (but not together!)

I am LoW said...

So what's the rumor I hear about you being pregnant Crash?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Lo, that's just a rumor. Ani C started it. Nothin' but uglee gossip.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Martha, tell the story about the time you up-chucked your spagetti at a band concert . . . right into the saxaphone next to you.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Sorry about the non-suicidal farina. My mom made oatmeal every morning til I thought I would die. Then she made cracked wheat cereal. It had me begging for the oatmeal again. I now eat it most every morning. Nothing like perspective, eh?