Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Hey, I'm just the messenger!

There's a walking path along the beach on the North shore that my hub and I frequently frequent on Sunday afternoons when we're sick of keeping the sabbath day holy.  

The North Shore is a great place to walk when you want to pretend you're not living in a bubble or when you simply want to feel like an OMM (overdressed modbe Mormon).  So yesterday I got overdressed and headed North.  As I sped along the pristine Hawaiian shoreline two words that will never escape from my lips came to mind: Glorious and Tremendous.  

I refuse to let these two words into my vocabulary because my MIL spits them out for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but every so often, like profanity, they spontaneously escape from my subconscious brain when my eyes are bedazzled by the sparkling Aqua Fresh ocean against the Downy blue sky full of cotton ball clouds.  

(Does anyone else suddenly feel the urge to brush their teeth and do the laundry?)

In short, it was another tremendously glorious day in paradise.  

I parked at Sunset beach and attacked my walk like a pit bull, determined to be fit and fabulous at forty (ish).  Left. Right. Left. Right.   

I was marching along when the palm trees suddenly started yawning.  They swwwwwwayed baaaaaaaaack and fffffffffforth, toooooooooo and ffffffffffro, whispering "You are getting sleeeeeeepy.  Verrrrrrry sleeeeeeeepy."

Then the waves began strrrrrrretching themselves out across the sand in down dog position.  "What's your hurry?"  they chanted, moving gracefully from cobra pose to monkey pose to lion pose to cow face pose to cat-on-a-hot-tin-roof pose. 

Then the bouganville winked and told me to chill out and the sand beckoned me to come and play. 
Against my will my pace began to slowwwwwwww wayyyyyyyy dowwwwwn.  

Before long I could barely put one foot in front of the other.  

When I reached Pipeline I pulled a Forrest Gump and just stopped.  I was just done.  

I plopped myself down on the beach under the shade of a palm tree, took off my running shoes, dug my feet into the cool sand and propped myself back on my elbows.  I inhaled and exhaled. I inhaled again.  

Then I started to cry

Wah Wah Wah!  

And it wasn't because of the beautiful bronze goddess jogging by in her sparkly black bikini.  It was because I was thinking about Jon and Kate plus 8.  I hate it when people break up after they have sextuplets.  

(KATE!  STOP bossing Jon around!  And JON!  Stop having your mid-life crisis.)  

Okay, I didn't really cry, but there really was a beautiful bronze goddess jogging by in a sparkly black bikini.   

An extremely hairy old man (I'm talking Robin Williams hairy) with a crooked neck gave her a friendly wave and said hello as she jogged past him.  Then he turned around and checked her out from the back side.  

When he reached me he didn't wave or say hello.   But maybe he didn't see me sitting right in his path.  But fyi and ftr and btw, another hairy old man DID say hello.   In fact he stopped to chat with me.  When he found out I was an OMM he asked me if I wanted to be his nanny.  

Of course I had to regretfully decline, being that I have 4 kids of my own, but I said I understood his desire to hire a Mormon girl.   You can trust Mormon girls. 

His eyes narrowed into little slits.  

And then he leaned forward.  




I puckered up in case he tried to kiss me.  

But instead he reached down and picked up a chewy granola bar wrapper which had been discarded on the ground next to me. 

"This yours?" he asked. 

"Of course not," I stammered, but his eyes said tsk tsk tsk. "I don't even eat chewy granola bars."  

But the seed of suspicion had been planted.  I was guilty by association. 

Then before he turned away shaking his head he looked me straight in the eye and said, "are Mormon girls really trustable?" 

What the what the what???

I lie not, peeps (except about puckering up for a kiss).  Could I make up such a tall tale about a word like trustable?   I'm an English teacher for goodness sake. 

There's a moral here.  There's a definite moral. 

Jon and Kate should NOT break up! 

(Hey, I'm just the messenger.) 


nevadanista said...


nevadanista said...

It's such a ten year old boy feeling to rush through the verifier, sign in and password to be first. Not that I know what being a ten year old boy feels like - but I imagine it's something like trying to be first to comment :D

nevadanista said...

Geez, I'm first and second!!!
Now I feel like a nine year old boy.

The first time I saw Jon & Kate, I thought she was an unsufferable nag!!! The second time I saw it - I thought the same thing... and the third time... and the fourth time... and so on...

But Jon, PULEASE!!! You married the beotch and made 8 kids with her, so suck it up and get a life!

I'm so happy for you that you have such a tremendous beach on which to break the Sabbath. It's not really as worth it to break it in the desert - although we did break at Lake Tahoe last week, hee hee :)

DeNae said...

Oh, you make me miss island life! And trustable?? Goodness gracious.

As for the guys doing the checking of bronzed kiesters, a story:

One day our branch went to the beach. A catamaran pulled up to where we had set up our chairs and stuff, and a bunch of tourists hopped out. Most swam away, or ran to another part of the beach. But one girl in what was the first thong bikini I had seen decided to practice snorkeling right there, exactly where our branch was eating, playing, and, if the men were any indication, ogling.

See, when someone in a thong snorkels, only two parts poke up out of the water: The snorkel, and the chiquitas.

We branch women could have stripped down to our birthday suits and mud wrestled, and not one man would have even noticed. They were, to say the least, preoccupied.


April said...

HA! DeNae's story reminds me of the opening scene of Magnum PI where he's holding the girl who is snorkling....hehehe

I'm as sad about Jon & Kate as I was when Sonny & Cher got divorced. But hey, Chastity turned out ok. :)

So, IF I were to take a trip to Hawaii, what island would be the best one to visit?

Melanie J said...

Ha, ha!

I can't live where there are too many bronzed goddesses. We have skinny, toned, big boobed blondes and large luscious ladies who don't mind being all big and roundy in itty bitty bikinis and that's bad enough. Regular bronze goddesses jogging by would probably deter me from the beach forever. Which is sad since it's four blocks away. But not so sad because our beach is nice but not so scenic as yours. Until sunset. Then it is.

BTW, you're a GOOD writer.

SO said...

Someday I want to sit in the shade of a palm tree, dig my feet into the sand and have a hairy guy ask me to be his nanny.

That would be awesome.

Kate needs to take a couple of Valium and I think the hair plugs Jon got are rotting his brain. If Kate hadn't got that tummy tuck and Jon hadn't gotten those hair plugs all would be well in the Gosling household.

T said...

I keep trying to watch Jon & Kate - but I usually just end up turning it off in disgust wondering how they managed to be in the same room long enough to produce those 8 children... yikes! but no, they shouldn't break up...

maybe what we really need is a spinoff - "Jon & Kate plus 8 hours of marriage counseling"?

WV says shess - it doesn't like my idea?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH! I totally agree SO. They're both too tamn glamned out for their own good. And did you see how they sliced through his head to put those hair plugs in? YIKERS. And now it seems like he's had a labotomy.

Can't Kate wait to travel all over and do book signings until her six chillin's are in Kindeegarten at least? Poor John quitting his job to take care of 8 kids while his wife travels around living la vida loca. It would drive even us Mormon mommies to buy a little sports car.

Was that judgemental?

And ha ha ha to DeNae and the Chiquita story. HOW funny.

Melanie J, I'm going to write a post to answer your comment tomorrow. Just fo' YOU girl. That's two this week. Wow!

April. Oahu is the best. Best beaches. Kuaui and Maui are good too. I like Big Island too. But Kuaui is probably my 2nd choice. Maui's a close 3rd.

If you come I WANT TO SEE YOU!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha T. I like the spin off idea. But it was painful to watch them mad at each other. It was still be very enlightening.

Nevada GOOD ON YOU for being 1st, 2nd and 3rd. That's gold, silver and bronze.

IWA said...

Oh you had me at 'Robin Williams hairy'... i loved todays post! I really needed it!

Oh jon and kate.... So the truth is, I really felt like crying , because Im a crier and that what i do.... but I swear The more i watch their reruns, the more i really want to tie the two down to a chair and make them watch their own memorial marathon!

Oh and thongs and chiquitas! haha! god bless the wife of the man who invented it!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Iwa, I think we're like twins. I mean, we're like 14 year old twins in big people bodies. hee hee

Sandi said...

I wish you knew how reading your blog makes me sit back and breathe and laugh and forget my stress! Since I can't sleep anymore I guess you will not be missing me because I can always come here in the middle of the night. I hate old hairy men who check out the babes as they leave, and other hairy men who think mormon's would ever leave trash on the beach and I am very jealous of all the trees and waves and sand speaking to you!!
p.s. KK is NOT pleased with her sister and this is adding stress upon more stress!
p.s.s. April sorry you had to find out here but I am kind of in a fog right now!
p.s.s.s. April if you are going to Hawaii go in December to the big Island and you can come to KK's wedding! yay!
p.s.s.s.s. Crash, so sorry for using your comment box for my own personal therapy and communicating with April!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I was with you there for a bit but you lost me at Jon and Kate. Blech, I wish these people would go away. She's mean and bossy, I don't care enough to figure out what he is (except her whipping post). Go away J&K!

Beach sounded (was gonna say glorious but...) wonderful. It sounded wonderful. I detoured Daddy Geek Boy to your site for Hawaii tips. So don't freak if he starts getting all questiony like.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH! Daddy Geek Boy is coming here? I better straighten up and freshen up.

Ha ha Andrea, about the whipping post and go away J&K. You're such a silly goose. Thanks for not saying (glorious).

Sandi, you can use me anytime to p.s.s.s.s. anyone you want. Poor poor KUTE KASEY! Sister beating her to the punch and all. Poor poor Sandi. Can't sleep.

Hey, I just discovered where I am now watching all The Office episodes. WAHOO! I've been cracking up all day.

Well, not all day. Forty minutes of the day, anyway.

nevadanista said...

Oh, mention of a whipping post reminded me of Bo Bice and how I won those Caramacs :)

This one goes out to Jon and his plugs

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Nevada that was so applicable! ha ha ha I love me some Bo Bice! And I really love me some Bo Bice singing Jon's pain. you ROCK, girlfriend.

p.s. I liked Jon before the hair transplants.

kasey ferrell said...

WOW I feel so special I have a total of 3 people on my side feeling bad for me Mckayl, Michelle and Crash. Thank you Thank you Thank you. My mom thinks I am a meanie Head.

CaJoh said...

Never was interested in that show to begin with.

Had my opportunity to dig my feet in the sand in LA last week— but was too preoccupied digging for crabs in the surf and fishing out my Sister-In-Law's phone from the water after she fell on her butt to even consider it.

Youngblood4ever said...

Hey, my dad is Robin William's Hairy. I might have thought it was him, but he isn't in Hawaii and he is Mormon so he wouldn't have asked such a silly question. AND, he uses proper English, so he NEVER would have said trustable. So, I'm pretty sure it wasn't my dad. Just so you know.

Pretty much my whole fam is addicted to Jon and Kate. I, however, have not jumped on that bandwagon. Seems pretty full and I don't like to sit too close to sweaty people (because once you are on the bandwagon you are definitely going to be sweaty, right?).

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

I hear ya about John and Kate. They need a swift kick in the behind. All the fame and fortune has gone to their heads. When things are simple they are better. I feel sorry for them. They have totally lost their perspective on everything. Those lil' ones don't deserve this.

I would love to plonk myself down on the beach. You lucky girl!

Barbaloot said...

I'm SO glad I'm not the reason you cried when I jogged by in my sassy bikini! Had I known it was you I fully would've stopped to say hi!

Homer and Queen said...

Would sitting in a PLASTIC lounge chair looking at sagebrush and cactus count as a beach? You have to have plastic because it is too hot for anything else! And we do have hairy old men it wasn't one of ours! What's hairy in Vegas, stays in Vegas!

Tiffany said...

I am so sad about Jon and Kate. Breaks my heart truly. Lately it is all my sis and I talk about on the phone. Pretty sad but true. We are worried about their cute kids and how they will hate to go see their mom and want to only live with their dad who is not a neurotic, obsessive compulsive cleaner slash control freak. Poor kids, poor Kate, not so much poor John, he is way better off, he will find a way better, happier, not so mean and controlling wife, pretty easily. No doubt. Does that sound awful? Well I am just keeping it real.

T said...

uh-oh... Crash has found Hulu... we're all in trouble now! and barbaloot is jogging down the beach in her bikini and sexy red heels... life is certainly in for a change...

Jillybean said...

Perhaps you should go be a nanny for Jon and Kate. I'm sure you could whip those two into shape. (Especially if you used a real whip)(not that I would condone violence or anything, but it could be used for intimidation purposes)

My feet are aching to dig themselves into some sandy beach. The closest thing I can come to that right now is a back yard full of grass that is currently in desperate need of a mowing.

annie valentine said...

I can't even stand to watch the 10 of them because of how the parents talk to each other. And you should have kissed him. He would never have questioned your trustability.

I am LoW said...

HAHA!! HO HO HO!!! hehehe!!!

SO funny!!!

And so spot on with the advice to John and Kate!!! If I were to blog them some advice, it would have been just that.

You crack me up Crash!!