Saturday, May 9, 2009

Another Mysterious Package

This time from my silly-goose mom.

Let's just say the Crash Test Dummy Scored again!

My mom sent me a new wooden block knife holder. Wahoo! Just what I wanted.

I've been using this old faux Farberware knife holder for almost a year now.

Why would my silly goose mom send me a new wooden block knife holder, you ask?


Next week.

(I love having my birthday so close to Mother's day. It's double the fun of making my hub feel twice as guilty about not loving me half enough.)

So about my birthday present, that's not all, peeps. I thought that was all too, until I went to throw the packaging popcorn away before my kids scattered it across the living room, but guess what I found!

KNIVES! Actual knives. The useful kind with sharp blades.

The kind that excludes you from being able to say if only I had sharp knives I could feed my children.

The kind that turns your boys into Ninja Sushi Turtles and your girls into Betty Crocker spaniels.

I think my mom might be feeling guilty for neglecting to educate me about the various classes and cultures of the Cultery Empire because all the knives are numbered and labeled so I won't forget where they go and what they do.

A. Maze. Ing.

Like did you guys know there is a special knife just for cutting bread and bagels?

Well, there is! It's #4 and it's called a bread and bagel knife.

It slides through a bagel like butter and makes it look like angel food cake.

Now we can't stop cutting bagels.

And there's one called a cleaver knife so you can cleave unto your reflection whilst you're cooking dinner.

Or you can take artistic photos of yourself and give them ironic titles like Reflections of A Cereal Killer.

Or Reflections of a Cereal Killer's Nose.

The one with my son's nose in it is called a showtime knife.

The scalloped blades suggest it could have something to do with scrapbooking. (Silly goose mom--always trying to encourage/manipulate me to get my scrapbooks started.)

In short, all those years of making my mom carve and hack and saw through her food finally paid off. I am now the proud owner of a chef knife, a saw knife, a boning knife, a sportsman knife, a chop and serve, a cheese knife, a garnish knife, a paring knife, a carving knife and a fillet knife.

(I have no idea what they're for, but look out Helk's Kitchen, cuz there's a new kid on the chopping block.)

And that's not even all.

Remember this candy-apple red purse my mom peer pressured me into buying?

Well lookie what she sent to round out my collection. How sweet is that!?

Thanks, Mom! You're da bomb. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! But now I feel kinda bad that all I sent you was a pack of Orbit Mint Mojito.

(I should have sent two packs.)

Anyway peeps, have yourself a merry little Mother's Day!


Homer and Queen said... new knives in the block?

Homer and Queen said...

(Sorry) I new cutco knives? You know the kind you have to sell your first born for? LOL Happy Birthday!

Heidi Ashworth said...

That boy is adorable regardless of how he feels about cereal. Your mom is very generous! So, what day is your birthday? (wvw: spento--somehow applicable-oh)

Emily said...

You have 99 followers. Doesn't it bug you that it is so close to being an even 100?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Emily, you're always stirring up trouble round here. Haven't you heard there's a cereal killer on the loose?

Maybe I'll get an even hundred for my birthday. ;)

It's on Wednesday, May 13th. Please bring some Mango Cheesecake, okay Miss Heidi!

Queenie I LOVE CUTCO knives. But yes my mom would have had to sell away my birthright to give me those knives so it would have defeated the purpose! ;)

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I kept waiting for you to say
"But wait there's more" or "it slices it dices it even maked julian fries."

Hey Emily maybe I can come over and follow you and make your day. Are you slightly OCD?

DeNae said...

Girl, you are ON today! Don't you love it when your writing is in the zone?

Loved the cereal killer. Loved the scalloped edges useful for scrapbooking.

And I am in LOOOOOVE with those purses!! I am an accessories JUNKIE, and I know a freaking AMAZING purse collection when I see one.

My birthday is next month. Will you please give your mom my address? I'd do it for you, Crash!

val of the south said...

What a cool mom you have! And what a cool mom you are to let your kids play with knives!

Those must be some knives, I've never seen anyone so happy to cut a bagel!!

your wv is calling me rande - maybe I'm going to get lucky tonight!

val of the south said...

or maybe it was a message for you...maybe you're going to get lucky!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha Val. I will defer the message to you. ;) I got lucky last night. ;) (Got to see Star Trek, peeps! Get your mind out of the gutter.) I'll post my review tomorrow.

DeNae you are so kind. That means a lot coming from YOU! I will totally give my mom your address and tell her to send you some rad purses.

Ha ha Hamster! Unfortunately there's no more. ;)

Jami said...

Ahhhh! Now I know why you love 13. It's that birthday day! It all makes since now.

Nice knives. By the way, is your son named Jason?

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I need knives! Maybe if I had such cool, reflective knive I could actually cook. That's my excuse anyway.

Those purses are DA BOMB!!

Now my 12 year old will come on to inspect your 12 year old. What a fun, hormone-filled age! :0

Happy birthday and Mother's Day!!

Youngblood4ever said...

Wowzers! You got an actual RONCO Knife set? I am totally coveting! What is a girl to do? Lurve the classy pics and now I think I need to eat a bagel- but how am I going to cut is without a bread and bagel knife?

Youngblood4ever said...

Oh, and Happy mother's birthday day to you. Okay, I was trying to mix Mother's Day and Birthday together but it just sounded dumb. I think maybe you get what I was trying to do there... Ummm, I'll just shut up now.

Kristina P. said...

When is your birthday? Mine is Tuesday. I was always bitter when it was on Mother's Day, when I was a kid.

Wendy said...

Cute young man for your "infomurcial" Knives and purses ----gotta love it. What a great mom indeed.

T said...

I have those EXACT same infomercial knives...

warning: they cut through the flesh of your hand just as easily as the flesh of dead chicken (or dead spam)

gee, if only I had some cool purses (and 59 more followers) I could be mini-Crash :)

and by "mini" - that's not implying that I'm younger (which I'm pretty sure I'm not) but that I'm shorter (which I guarantee you I am...)

Sandi said...

WE can have a big group party next week cause it's mine too :) I am wondering where the heck I can get a mango cheesecake around here? Crash you sounded just like Junie B. Jones when you said "and thats not even all" haha. I loved it when I got new knives last year and I cut my fingers all up because I wasn't used to having sharp knives around. The best thing is those kitchen shears- love chopping up chicken boobs with those things!
LOVE the pic with your boy cutting the bagel, I think he could give the sham-wow guy a run for his money. I hope your mom enjoys her pack of gum. That is the coolest present EVER.

Martha said...

Those are some powerful weapons you got there. I may have to borrow one to go kill me some roosters out back.

When my parents were visiting they couldn't believe I didn't have a proper bread knife, even though I make my bread machine bread every day. They looked high and low and under and over this whole island and couldn't find a good enough one. So they found one on ebay that was acceptable. It is pretty nice and very long.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Awesome. Chop Chop Chop! Those are some really cool knives. Love the reflection pictures.

And thank you for including the red bag picture. Sigh, it's so pretty.

Happy Mother's Day!

Melanie J said...

My chef's knife is one of my favorite kitchen implements. I eschew all other knives! Yours are nice, though.

Mariko said...

I love knives.

Did I say that out loud?

So weird. We got my MIL a knife for Mother's Day. Her knives can't cut bread at all. They tear bread, which is almost but even close to as useful.
When does it happen that your life as a Mom is so taken over that you stop caring about always having sharp knives?

SO said...

It sounds like a good day that couldn't get much better. Purses and flowers and knives. Tis a good day when all three of those are involved.