Another Mysterious Package

This time from my silly-goose mom.

Let's just say the Crash Test Dummy Scored again!


My mom sent me a new wooden block knife holder. Wahoo! Just what I wanted.

I've been using this old faux Farberware knife holder for almost a year now.


Why would my silly goose mom send me a new wooden block knife holder, you ask?

Because IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

Next week.

(I love having my birthday so close to Mother's day. It's double the fun of making my hub feel twice as guilty about not loving me half enough.)

So about my birthday present, that's not all, peeps. I thought that was all too, until I went to throw the packaging popcorn away before my kids scattered it across the living room, but guess what I found!


KNIVES! Actual knives. The useful kind with sharp blades.

The kind that excludes you from being able to say if only I had sharp knives I could feed my children.

The kind that turns your boys into Ninja Sushi Turtles and your girls into Betty Crocker spaniels.

I think my mom might be feeling guilty for neglecting to educate me about the various classes and cultures of the Cultery Empire because all the knives are numbered and labeled so I won't forget where they go and what they do.

A. Maze. Ing.

Like did you guys know there is a special knife just for cutting bread and bagels?

Well, there is! It's #4 and it's called a bread and bagel knife.

It slides through a bagel like butter and makes it look like angel food cake.


Now we can't stop cutting bagels.

And there's one called a cleaver knife so you can cleave unto your reflection whilst you're cooking dinner.

Or you can take artistic photos of yourself and give them ironic titles like Reflections of A Cereal Killer.


Or Reflections of a Cereal Killer's Nose.

The one with my son's nose in it is called a showtime knife.

The scalloped blades suggest it could have something to do with scrapbooking. (Silly goose mom--always trying to encourage/manipulate me to get my scrapbooks started.)

In short, all those years of making my mom carve and hack and saw through her food finally paid off. I am now the proud owner of a chef knife, a saw knife, a boning knife, a sportsman knife, a chop and serve, a cheese knife, a garnish knife, a paring knife, a carving knife and a fillet knife.

(I have no idea what they're for, but look out Helk's Kitchen, cuz there's a new kid on the chopping block.)

And that's not even all.


Remember this candy-apple red purse my mom peer pressured me into buying?


Well lookie what she sent to round out my collection. How sweet is that!?

Thanks, Mom! You're da bomb. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! But now I feel kinda bad that all I sent you was a pack of Orbit Mint Mojito.

(I should have sent two packs.)

Anyway peeps, have yourself a merry little Mother's Day!