Saturday, May 23, 2009

The TRUman Show

Remember that uber pooey feeling I was telling you about in this post? Well, it's been elevated to an orange alert, meaning the risk of me not folding the laundry, not doing the dishes and not cleaning up after myself is significantly higher than it was 2 days ago.

It all started yesterday morning. My twelve year old son had stayed up until midnight to finish the last two chapters of his autobiography. When I first woke up I thought it was cute to learn that he wanted to be a missionary in Japan so he could convert a few samari and that he wanted to name his first born son after Rocky Balboa. I even burst into fits of deep-belly laughter when I saw his cover page.

But this was his final project in English class which meant somehow it needed to be printed ASAP-- seemingly simple task for someone who actually has a working printer and a computer that operates in something other than safe mode.

For me it became a trial and a tribulation of monumental proportions. When your child has a 50 page project that needs to be printed, YOU have a 50 page project that needs to be printed. And when your child inserts photos onto nearly every page of his project, black and white ink ain't gonna cut it.

Let's just say I had to exercise the patience of Job.

On second thought, Job's got nothin' on me! He never had to deal with technology.

Granted half of my trials and tribulations were due to my own stupidity, the other half were all my computer's fault.

In fact, I'm going a write a book called, MEN ARE FROM VENUS, COMPUTERS ARE FROM MARS!

Although, if you think about it, computers and men are actually a lot alike. They both need power to operate. They both wait to be commanded before they complete a task. They both shut down unexpectedly when you don't speak their bewildering language or understand their frustrating logic. And they both get that glazed look when you tell them your emotional needs.

The only difference is that you can't sweet talk your computer. You can't bat your eyelashes and run your fingers through their hair and say "please, please, pretty please, will you print this document? I promise there will be something in it for YOU, big boy!"

I'm not going to bore you with the deets so please don't ask and don't offer advice and most of all, don't say Why didn't you just push F8 or control/alt/delete or why didn't you call me?

There were three different computers involved, of different races, creeds and genders--not to mention three different word programs that are no longer on speaking terms.

Why can't we all just get along! I kept saying in my best Rodney King voice.

I had to call IT services to do an intervention on my office laptop, but even they couldn't coax it to print, save files or connect to the internet. Finally it pulled a crash test dummy and they threw their hands in the air and recommended I have it admitted for rehabilitation.

One thing I now know for sure is that we are all just characters in The Truman Show.

I testify that this is tru. Why else would it be called the TRUman show. This life is nothing more than one big reality show. And the director is Mr. Murphy. He lays down all the laws.

I could almost hear his voice over the loud speaker calling out directions to his crew:

The dummy's in a hurry, cue the pleasant old man in the golf cart to turn in front of her in five, four, three . . . NOW! And slow him down to 3 miles per hour.

The dummy is walking from IT services carrying her unprotected laptop. Cue the rain.

The dummy is about to complete her task. Cue print services to jam their copy machines with 800 flyers.

And then as if that wasn't enough, Mr. Murphy decided they needed some dramatic irony.

Do you know what dramtic irony is, peeps? It's when the audience knows something the main character doesn't know. Something that makes the audience giggle or cry or say oh NO, look out below!

So yesterday millions of people were sitting on their celestial couches, eating their proverbial popcorn and giggling as I rushed around campus like I was trying to win The Amazing Race with my zipper down.

That's right, I had XYY!

And that's not even the half of it, but you wouldn't understand because you've never walked a mile in my slippahs.

The long day ended with me consoling myself in a ginormous cherry blossom bubble bath with extra extra bubbles to cover all my nooks and crannys.

(I figured the audience had had enough laughs for one day.)


Debbie said...

"They both need a command to complete a task." Ha!

Way to be a hero mamma. It's a good thing to cause his English teachers gonna give him an A just for that cover.

The Wixom Zoo said...

Oh...rough day, friend! Hopefully today will be better.

Homer and Queen said...

I just hate days like that! That is why I am in denial, I am glad that I am not the only one that happens to. Did you have a diet coke in that bubble bath?

Sandi said...

hahahahaha this is my most favorist post EVER. Not that I find it amusing that you had such a crappy episode on your show, well, that was kind of a lie- I just enjoy it when someone else gets to experience those days once in awhile too, so I don't feel so all alone in my ignorance. haha. I prefer a sweet pea bubble bath and I also love to invite Ben and Jerry in there with me after a day like that. Carry on, Dummy!

Karen said...

Technology is the bane of our existence.....I've said it a million times.

Youngblood4ever said...

Did you also get some ice cream? That is my consolation at the end of a neverending, screwed-up day. Do I need to bring you some? What is your favorite kind?

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Murphy can go to helk, if you know what I mean. I so so hate it when that happens. Way to turn it all into a great post. Was there just the slightest part of you that said "I am so blogging this." I agree with Sandy, Carry on.

My WV says truming. Tru story.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Why have Julie and I both been put in mind of ice cream? I want hot fudge with that (the cover photo is a scream!)

T said...

tears also work better on men than computers... well, sometimes...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who occasionally looks around myself for the cameras - because "if this isn't on Candid Camera it's actually happening, and that would suck..."

Sandi said...

Um, Ben and Jerry was in reference to ICE CREAM as well :)

Mariko said...

'k seriously. We need to solve your printer problem. Ummmm, ever hear of super geeks?

If nothing else, it would make a great post.

What's xy-Y? You mean you're a man/woman?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

LOL>.. I'm sorry Crash, but I lovved how you compared your computer to a man... OH MY GOSH your a writing GENIUS! You need to patent that!!!

You have a kinko's in Hawaii??? that always works for me! :)

val of the south said...

You so better get an A on that paper!! That's what I always think when I have to go above and beyond on a kids project!

Love the TruCrash the next time I have a sucky day, I'm going to think of this post imagine all the cue-ing and just laugh! Thanks in advance!!

You're the best, you really are!!

val of the south said...

wv is shnotte - is that a high falutin' way to say snot?

Jillybean said...

I am convinced that computers are made with a "stress level sensor"
The Computer will determine how stressed out you are and malfunction accordingly.

Dolly said...

WV says pal ded. I don't want any of my pal's to be ded.

You and your peeps really make me feel so normal.

Plus the printer and the man connection...... Crash you seriously should write that book!

Tiffany said...

Once again I am laughing my head and saying oh how true. You are the funniest person alive.