Friday, May 29, 2009

Bikini Bottoms

I bet you thought this post was about Sponge Bob, huh? Sorry to disappoint, but it's a post in response to a response to a post.

(Close your eyes, Low, we're gonna talk about partial nudity.)

Melanie J, who lives in Calyforny, had this to say in my comment box after my last post:

I can't live where there are too many bronzed goddesses. We have skinny, toned, big b@@bed (edited to meet CTD standards) blondes and large luscious ladies who don't mind being all big and roundy in itty bitty bikinis and that's bad enough. Regular bronze goddesses jogging by would probably deter me from the beach forever.

See that's where you're wrong, Melanie J. 

Things are always worse in your imagination than they are in the flesh.  Better and worse, I mean.  Regular bronze goddesses are worse, yes, because they're naturally flawless eye candy, but better too because they're naturally flawless eye candy.  

You get me? 

Me neither, but let me try to explain what it's like to live with bikini bottoms here, there and everywhere. 

You're driving past Waimea Bay--bikini bottoms, shopping at the Pupukea Foodland--bikini bottoms, attending a baptism at temple beach--bikini bottoms.

See for yourself:

One of these girls is not like the others.

But if I'm being brutally honest, it's not that hard.

Don't get me wrong, it was a shock at first, and it made being perpetually overdressed a bit of a drag, but you get immune to it once you understand the underbelly of the bikini world (LOL, I accidentally wrote uderbelly first). In fact I highly recommend that everyone move to a tropical climate where there are nearly naked people in your face all day. It really takes the charge out of partial nudity.

I've only been a Hawaiian for 17 years, but in my humble opinion there are three types of bikini bottoms--the mooners, the spooners and the crooners.

The mooners are those who wear thong bikinis without feeling like they have a major wedgie. They derive pleasure in the knowledge that others are checking out their chiquitas, (as DeNae would put it) and they are likely to be the models in the BEFORE and AFTER shots on your Hotmail sidebar that you tamn to helk every time you write an email.

In a nutshell, they are exhibitionists with the intent to stimulate, titillate, instigate, invigorate and emancipate.

Then there are the spooners. The spooners have been spoon-fed the you-are-what-you-don't-wear campaign slogan from the time they were potty trained. Bikini-a'la-carte was strictly forbidden from their moral menu, consequently they have developed an over-active bikini alert radar. 

In college the spooners signed on the dotted line to keep not only their chiquitas out-of-sight, but out-of-mind too.  They also swore on the Holy Da Vinci Code they would refrain from publicly revealing their knee caps, as the knee cap can be dangerous if uncovered incorrectly. 

When wearing a bikini a spooner always feels devilishly wicked, which causes them to either crawl on their hands and knees through the snow uphill both ways for 1oo miles chanting hail marys, or to place their thumb on their nose, fingers extended in jazz-hand position, and shout NANI NANI BOO BOO to the sky. 

The crooners are the easy breezy-lemon-squeezy bikini bearing babes who live on tropical islands and shop at Foodland.  They exert no energy strutting like the mooners or fretting like the spooners.  They are what they are and it is what it is.  Period.  End of story.  It never occurs to them to cover up or to strategically place their knee caps in compromising positions.  And it never dawns on them that they should really learn to ice skate because where they're headed has plenty of double hockey sticks.

So you see, I have once again succeeded in making a perfectly non-sensical quantum leap by asserting that PPN (public partial nudity) really can go unnoticed.

(But STILL!  It's soooo NOT FAIR!  Even in h.e. double hockey sticks the crooners will be more comfortable and get more attention than me.)   


Heidi Ashworth said...

A practically perfect post (and brilliant, to booty)

LiafromLaie said...

lol... this had me laughing because it is true that there really are three types. Also because most of the individuals I know consider swim wear to be an old t-shirt and basketball/surf shorts and bikini bottoms to be nothing more than undies.

Homer and Queen said...

All I know is that when I look at MY PPN, it is very scary!! So why wouldn't someone elses nudity freak me out!? Although I think I am an exibitionist at heart because I do LOVE to be naked...I just don't want to SEE my to flash hubby when he is mowing the lawn and threatening to flash at his work place? That is how I get money from him! I make him pay me not to flash!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hahahahahahahahha Queenie! That is classic.

And so true Lia from Laie.

And THANK YOU Miss Heidi. That made my day coming from YOU!!!

Kristina P. said...

I like to practice my New Year's Resolution in places where nudity is not the norm. Like Provo. It's more shocking. What fun is it is everyone is used to it? Although, no one really ever gets used to *this* being naked.

Jami said...

For some reason this reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry dates a nudist.

aniC said...

you are so deep. it is seriously true.

Sandi said...

I wonder what kind of a nudist you were when you first got there....and what kind you are now. Please tell.
p.s. the chick in the bikini at the baptism is an idiot!!

T said...

between "uderbelly" and "to booty" I'm all punned out.

I have a pair of knee length board shorts and a tank top that I wear over my one piece suit (which is NOT just 1/2 of a 2 piece set) - so I'll be counted amongst the perpetually overdressed crowd - it just hit high 90s a few weeks back - so we can't go anywhere without seeing a little too much skin for my comfort!

IWA said...

So after seeing the pics... (i even double clicked on them and got the big vresion... dont do it.. spare yourselves).....I have no regrets about the ending of beach baptisms here! That is a perfect example of reason #3 that was given by the District Authority

growing up here, i was in no way the prude so Ill spare you the detail of what i had under my wife beater and surf shorts.....

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, I never wore a bikini until I was 30. I KNOW! I bought a little black bikini in between my second and third pregnancy and I wore it during my first trimester of my twins. I was a rebel without a cause and I actually looked good. Now I wear a one piece with a little tank under it and board shorts over it and then a rash guard. I'm a total OMM (Overdressed Modbe Mormon).

DeNae said...

The only time I ever wore a 2-piece anything was at a beach outing with my equally flabby friends from church. Sort of forgot what I was doing, sat and gabbed for three hours without moving around much or remembering to sunscreen the old white midsection, and managed to fry a belly that had never, ever seen the light of day. Some people are born to modesty, others have modesty thrust upon them.

Never saw a bikini at a baptism, though. You gotta wonder about some people...

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Bikini at a Baptism, sounds like you should make a movie with that title. You could sell a ton.

I just gave in to letting my daughter have her first tankini and now I think I might get one. Yikes.

lori said...

which i guess could mean being de- dressed, or dresses that need a little e xtra.... i don't know but sometimes dresses can be as big of a problem as bikinis...though here is colorado it's not something that is a huge problem, we just get the peeps with the shorts that don't cover the whole back end....which is a horrible way to walk around you know. At least a bikini was meant to be that way. and since there seems to be some kind of bikini confession going on in the comment box....nope never worn one

Jami said...

Did I not press publish or did I get deleted?

April said...

Jami-one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes!

After being at Lake Powell in all stages of undress, one does get used to seeing all sorts of bathing suits and sometimes lack thereof. However, I don't think I would ever get used to seeing a bikini at a baptism....maybe she thought she was next?

I bet the men didn't complain! HA!

Sandi said...

So at the ripe old age of 30 whenst you first donned a bikini (did you like my made up whenst word?) were you the hail mary girl, or the nanny nanny boo boo girl?

Martha said...

Last Sat. our ward had an elder's quorum party at Hukilau. All of Nan's 10 year old friends were wearing bikinis. Why do these parents let their little girls wear them? Yes, they are little cuties, but when they are teenagers they'll have to change the rules or have a rebel girl on their hands.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi, I was the nani nani boo boo girl. But not really. I've never been a nani nani boo boo girl exactly, but I wanted to see what it felt like. But it ends up being kind of lame after you've been spoon fed the you-are-what-you-don't wear campaign because you're just self conscious. It was fun while it lasted. That's alls I'm sayin.

From all of your comments it reminds me what a complex issue this really is. I have no answers, that I dare to spill in public.

Jami, Seinfeld!!! Wow! I love Seinfeld and will treasure that I made you think of him, even if nudity was the conduit.

Now I'm going to go look that episode up because I can't remember it.

Melanie J said...

Wow, this post is proof that Huntington Beach is through the looking glass from Laie. We must be sister cities because of all the Momos running around both our little paradises. And yet we are both still afflicted with widespread binkinism. However, we get the opposite problem of yours. It's bikini tops EVERYWHERE. People will wear their tamn jeans to the store so I have no thongs to fear. But then they forget their shirts and wander around in their bikini tops. At restaurants, on bicycles, in cars, and occasionally on the beach. Then again, we do start to encounter the bikini bottom problem on the beach, too. At least that just stays there. I sure wish I could convince these ladies to put their b@@bs away off the beach, too.

And I'm commenting under the influence of wisdom teeth drugs, so just so you know, this comment is a MASTERPIECE in my head.

Mariko said...

So this is why we're not allowed to have beach baptisms anymore.

I like to pretend I'm so righteous I never wore bikinis-- but let's face it. I never could wear a bikini. Modesty has been a fashion of convenience for someone like me!