I haven't posted forever, and it's not because I haven't written anything. I've written four or five things, I just haven't finished them. Heck even the ones I have finished I haven't posted.
I don't know why.
I think it's because I'm busy. And sad. But mostly busy. And sad.
I can't talk about the things that make me sad though because if I did then some people would feel bad and other people would feel happy.
Do you ever get that feeling? Huh? That there are a few people who are secretly happy when you're sad? And secretly sad when you're happy? Ain't it the darndest feeling? Maybe that's why so many people pretend to be happy. Maybe they don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they're sad.
Adam Lambert was right. It's a mad world. A mad mad world. It's a sad world too.
A sad sad world.
Why does the world have to be so sad? I don't know what to do about all the sadness so sometimes I just do nothing. Besides curl up on the couch and watch Cake Boss. I don't even like Cake Boss, that's how mad the world of sadness is.
Same goes for photographic evidence. When I take my camera anywhere I feel this sense of responsibility to capture all the beauty and wonder around me. Or all the magical expressions on people's faces that you notice when you have a camera in your hand. But it's funny how when you focus on capturing a little bit of the magic, you begin to notice how much of it you're missing, and it pert near drives you batty.
You get me?
For every great shot I get of my kids playing sports, I see a hundred other great shots that I've missed, you know.
When I leave my camera at home I can just enjoy the greatness. Either that or ignore it.
But for some reason it's harder to enjoy the sadness. Or ignore it. And once sadness has your full attention you notice how much sadness you're missing. Sadness everywhere is just slipping through your fingers like water through a net, and all you can do is let is slide.
Like yesterday my daughter came home from school and told me that one of her friends was having a lump removed from her neck.
"It's probably nothing," I said because I could tell she was worried. And also because I meant it. I knew the mom, after all. Those things are usually nothing if I know the mom. But five minutes later my daughter got a text and it turns out her friend has cancer.
How is that possible? She's a cheerleader. Cheerleaders don't get cancer in five minutes. Especially if I know the mom.
She's not the only person I know who has cancer right now either. That's what kills me. It's like take that one sadness and multiply it by a billion. Then add all the other sadnesses of the people you know, that don't even start with C, and round it off. Then square root it, to the tenth power, and solve for X and Y and Z. That's a pretty complicated equation. And that's just the people you know.
Then take me, who hasn't got a clue about math. I can't solve nothin'.
Fer reals, my GRE scores proved I couldn't even get into Harvard Elementary School.
But if anyone ever needs someone to curl up on the coach and watch Cake Boss . . .
14 comments:
I feel you... about it all. We live in some pretty hard/crazy/wonderful times. Its enough to make one not wanna get outta bed.
When I visited Egypt I forgot my digital camera battery. At first I was devastated. Everyone felt so sorry for me: that I wouldn't have those pictures to treasure for the rest of my life. But, you know what? I think I saw Egypt better than any of the BYU Jerusalem students I traveled with. I actually SAW Egypt. The real deal. And I wasn't constantly looking through a lens to see if I got the perfect shot. I starting picking up things like rocks and feeling the textures of things. I think I remember those things most.
My sister was 16 the first time she got cancer. They removed something from her neck first. She got it again when she was 19. She's now 35 and everything's ok. Sometimes it makes it a little less scary and sad to hear someone tell the same story only with an ending that makes us smile.
I treasure her every day.
Crash, Crash, my sweet Crash. I'm sorry about the sad you told and the sad you didn't tell. I'm always wiling to snuggle up on the couch, even without Cake Boss.
You know how properly adjusted people say that curling up and pulling the blinds and hiding from the sad won't make it better? Those people don't get it. Hiding is a perfectly respectable way of dealing with the sad, at least for a while. XOXO
I'm with Becca. Say the word and we'll descend on you, afghans in hand and tins full of fudge at the ready, all for a group snuggle on your yummy sectional in front of your big fireplace. Lulu can snuggle, too.
Wish I lived in Utah and could bring over some cheesecake and some choc chip peanut butter cookies. They make you feel better. So sorry about the sad. I completely understand. And the C word is never easy! Luv to you and your daughter.
I'll watch Cake Boss with you anytime, though I'm a little partial to Cupcake Wars lately. I'm sorry life is so sad sometimes, it just is.
Awwwww, thanks guys for the comfort and kind words.
DeNae, I know you're not just saying that either. You really would do that. You really really would. In a second. That's the kind of friend you are. LOVE YOU! Was it Amber who had cancer?????
And Becca, I hope you come back and read this because I have to say I read your essays for the collection and they blew me away. Your C word is one of the reasons I am sad. Your essays were so beautiful! LOVED. THEM. ALL.
Stephanie,loved yours too. I am so hoping you muster up the strength to make the motherhood book happen. And btw, I would watch cupcake wars with you anytime.
And Melanie J. If you come on here, LOVED yours too, especially the Orphan one. HUGS. And the beginning of the deaf ward when you thought you heard angels, that was BRILLIANT. Can't wait for the collection to come out.
And Kazzy, if you happen to come on here too, can I just say, girlfriend, there is something about your writing vibe that is divine.
Springrose, I am so happy to see you again. I wish I lived in Idaho so we could eat cookies and make quilts together. I think about you a lot, just so you know. How is that little girl in your ward? Please tell me she's okay. And how are you? Have you had any sad words that don't start with C lately?
Keola, my favorite student in the world, who totally gets it! LY Soul sista! I am so happy every time you stop by!
You guys have made me feel mo' bettah!
Mahalo!
That is crappy. I mean Crappy, CAPITAL "C".
“You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair." Chinese Proverb
I am not good at consolation but I hope things look up soon. I selfishly enjoy your quirky, funny, creative, and philosophic posts.
Oh, Deb, don't be sad. I'm sad that you're sad. And I don't want to be sad. I was sad last week, and I want to be done with the sad part. But YOU. Okay, I'll be sad with you if you want.
Sad about the C word and other sadnesses, big and small.
And I totally get that bit about the camera. What you catch and what you miss. Just multiply that by 10,000 when you're trying to capture things with a paintbrush! Sheesh!
Don't be sad, just be happy. I'm a little sad right now because I CAN"T WALK. I messed up my knee again and am on crutches and have a huge velcro brace! It's been a week and I'm so over it. Perry is over it too. I haven't been hurt in 3 years but he's remembering all the other times I have been. Anyway, I'm sure it will heal. Arch looked at it and tomorrow Doc N will look at it too. I think I dislocated my patella, so that heals I think.
It's not super easy to teach my tennis class and at work I make my student workers go get me ice and I prop my leg up on a couple of chairs. And guess how I did it? Yep, playing dumb basketball! That sport is dangerous.
Have you seen Hillary Weeks new video call Beautiful Heartbreak? It is about how we can turn sadness into something beautiful. I am not always completely convinced, but I think that eventually I will get there. I posted the video on my blog or you could you tube it. Best of luck. I think in the season of happiness, it is one of the hardest times to be sad, because it feel like you so doing it wrong. Do you know what I mean?
Nutty, I totally agree with that. I'm going to come look at that video. That is totally my philosophy about pain.
And Stephen, I agree with that too, although if you knew what I was sad about you might let the birds nest for a few weeks at least.
Charette,(it's weird to call you that) I am surprised about the paint brush. It seems like it would be easier because you can freeze frame, but then that shows I'm not an artist.
Martha, NO WAY! Alan says it seems like you just did that, but then we moved almost 2 1/2 years ago, so you just did do that. HEAL QUICKLY, you silly goose.
Shoots! That Debra is me. My PROfessional name for my freelance writing and editing. Forgot I was signed in.
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