Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Evil Twins and Myth Busters

Yesterday on the news I heard that The Muppet Movie is spreading communism, the post office is closing, planet Earth has an evil twin, and you can no longer wear skinny jeans at BYU Idaho.

HOLY SMOKES! (Can I say Holy Smokes ?) (Or should I say Holy Nicorette!?)

First book stores and now the post office?????

First mini skirts and now skinny jeans????? I just bought my first pair of skinny jeans last week!

I wonder if they wear skinny jeans on our evil twin planet? I wonder if they deliver mail and read books on our evil twin planet? I wonder if Miss Piggy is trying to control the world on our evil twin planet?

(Ewww, I wonder if they show that new K-Y Jelly commercial on our evil twin planet?)

Wait! What if WE are the evil twin planet?

As if that wasn't enough shock and awe for one day, yesterday was also family picture day.

(Thank goodness I didn't wear my skinny jeans.)

We look like the happiest family on "evil twin" planet Earth don't we?

But you didn't hear us in the car. Or during the 45 minutes before the car when my bangs were having an identity crisis. Curly or straight? Straight or curly? They couldn't decide. And neither could I, until finally they were just poking straight up and out.

My daughter refused to document it with photographic evidence because she said I would regret it later, but trust me, if I had an evil twin I know what she would look like, (minus the skinny jeans).

Anyways I stuck a clip in it and ended up looking like the sticky-sweet twin.

Seriously, I look like I could give you a cavity, huh? But you know better right? You know mo' bettah!

Before I go, last time I promised to share another one of my busted myths about Utah. The one about Utah having a high depression and stress rate. Remember? huh? huh? huh? Sure you do, because I've been busting Utah's chops about it for years, partly because I can. But mostly because I am.

That's right, I am Utah. Of it and from it, baby! The deep south of it. And the South Park Provo of it.

Yes, there were times when I twisted this truth--like at that West Point dance when I pretended to be of Connecticut. And of Mercedes Benz. And then there was that phase I went through in my early marriage when I lived in Utah, but not of Utah.

And then of course there were the apologetic years . . .

But that's over now. Now I am in Utah and of Utah.

I am UTAH, here me ROOOOOOAR!

(Did that scare you as much as it scared me?)

What I'm trying to say is I know what I'm talking about when I tell you that it's not the people in Utah who are depressed, it's the houses. The houses here practically slip into a coma when you're not looking. Turn your back for five seconds and their eyes roll back into their heads until you shake them alive again.

In Hawaii the houses wake you up each morning. Good morning sleepyhead, they smile. Which of the five senses can I get for you today? For your listening pleasure I've got cooing doves, tumbling waves, or a light rain. And for your aromatic pleasure I've got freshly cut grass, sweet gardenia, or . . . a light rain.

In cold places you have to wake your house up each morning. And then you have to cheer it up. You have to tell it it's good enough, smart enough, and doggonit, people like it.

When I get rich and famous I'm going to hire someone else to do this for me. If anyone wants a job I'll pay you big bucks to wake my house up 30 minutes before the rest of us roll out of bed--turn on all the lights, start a roaring fire, bake a batch of bread maybe, or squeeze some fresh orange juice. And most importantly, push play on my iPod, paleeeeease!

We the people of Utah are not depressed. And if we seem stressed it's only because we are trying to keep our homes from slitting their wrists.



Dolly said...

YOu've described it perfectly. This is exactly why I can not find a suitable house to buy here. I look and look and sigh and sigh. Then I go back to Hawaii and feel the five senses of houses again and I sigh and sigh of relief. This is not going to be good news for my hubby. He's hoping I'll live here with him. * sigh *

Cynthia said...

Amen. Let me say that again. Amen.

And what about screens? I am always amazed at how few screen doors there are...or even working screens on windows. How are you supposed to add the wake-ups--the fresh air, the bird songs, the sounds of the neighborhood if all the windows and doors are closed. (I am not speaking about winter here, I am speaking about those amazing days that Utah has in its other seasons).

Besides if you have a screen door, you can leave your regular door open, which of course means: I am home, come on in and visit (no appointments necessary).


Scooby and Jon said...

My sister wore her skinny jeans yesterday in protest. Not that she goes to BYU-I, but it was the spirit of the thing.

CaJoh said...

And if anyone takes you up on your offer to wake up the house you will be helping the economy.

charrette said...

Oh my gosh, I LOVE you! (I'm still in that In Utah, but not of Utah phase, or at least I delude myself.)

Gorgeous family! (And I know how crazy your day was!) And if anyone can get away with skinny jeans, it's you! (I'm just trying not to eye my Fat Pants to lovingly as we edge into the holidays!)

Roar away! Maybe I'll join you!

And to wake up your house, try Irish steel-cut oatmeal cooked overnight in your crockpot. It works wonders to wake up to simmering bubbly apples and cinnamon and brown sugar. XO

springrose said...

I just heard about the skinny jeans, and the no capri's or flip flops. Um, it's a good thing I went there when I did or I would have been kicked out for the capri thing. I can't live thru the summer with out them! And flip flops! R U KIDDING ME! What are all the Hawaiian kids going to wear!? Plus us wanna be?

Garden of Egan said...

You are so stinkin' gorgeous!
I think your bangs are awesome.
Cute kids. I love that Lulu decided to smile for the camera.

Ya, and BYUI? What the what?
Sometimes it's so embarassing to live closeby.

Kazzy said...

Love your photos! And I am nuts for some skinny jeans. Good thing I won't be moving t BYU-I any time soon. Sheesh...

DeNae said...

BYU-I has the worst dress code I've ever encountered. Honestly, the Amish are more risque than those folks in Rexburg. This skinny jeans rule is news to me. My daughter - a student there - only HAS skinny jeans. I guess she'll be booted out soon.

Fortunately, my other daughter is headed for BYU-H next month. Bring on the capris! Bring on the flip-flops!

And look how nice Lulu is posing for the camera in that first picture.

robin said...

This made me laugh because it is so true. And regarding the screens. My husband took the screens OFF our house and I was soooo mad. He hates the look of screens but I LOVE screens because then you can open your windows and let in the sounds and the breeze without all the flies and bugs.

Mags said...

What a great family picture! Jared wanted me to ask you if Zach is standing on something!

Martha said...

DaNae, tell your daughter to come see me and I will give her lots of advise because I am an academic advisor! Did she get into the dorms?

Lovely Christmas picture Deb. Even G has passed you by now. Nan, is getting close to me, but not yet. I think you asked for our address, I will email that to you. We went to a townhouse Christmas party last night and a couple people mentioned they had received your Christmas picture.