Who is edumacating our children?

Last night was the first Young Men/Young Women combined activity since I discovered that almost all the youth in our ward are members of the VL club.

(virgin lips)

Being that it's Valentines--tis the season--I rallied for Truth or Dare and Spin the Bottle, but the bishopric said, "Uhhh, let us think about it . . . NOPE!" 

So we did a DaNcE pArTaY instead.

It was a pimped out dance party because my bro let us use his DJ sound system and his DJ strobe light and his DJ fog machine.

We hit the lights and then we hit the floor.

We did the limbo and the cha cha slide and the electric slide and the boot scootin' boogie and the hoedown throwdown and the chicken dance .

Then we did Thriller and High School Musical and the YMCA.

Then we did the macarena and the hamster dance and hokey pokey.

The only thing we didn't do was kissing.

Not even a peck.

Even my hub abstained.

"But we have to set the example," I told him.

"You're right," he said. "When you stop getting pulled over, I'll stop abstaining from you in public."

(Party pooper!)

I don't know what has gone on while I've been in Hawaii having babies but not only are the youth in the VL club, they also don't understand the concept of partner dancing. 

They think partner dancing is for slow songs only and cannot wrap their brains around the idea that they can ask someone to dance on the fast songs too. In other words, dancing is now like dating, it's done in large groups, and then when a slow song comes on they scatter into the hallways to avoid coming in contact with a member of the opposite s.e.x.

No wonder the divorce rate is so darn high!

Who is edumacating our children, anyway? 

I hope it's not the same person who let my kids to do this at the dance party:

That's just so wrong!

Tonight in my comment box I said, "That's just so wrong!" about the 20 year old girl who had never been to the post office.

And the more I think about it, the louder I want to say it. In a judgmental tone of voice.

THAT'S JUST SO WRONG!

But what's even more wrong is that she didn't know where to write the address or put the stamp.

COME ON! Is this what email and texting has done to our young people? Never going to the post office is bad enough, but have you really lived if you've never written a letter with your own two hands? Or licked a stamp with your tongue?


You know what else is just so wrong? Exercising and reading The Ensign at the same time. There should be a warning label on the back of the magazine that says WARNING: Reading religious material while working out may be hazardous to your health.

I am living proof that it may be hazardous to your health because the next time I see someone at the rec center skimming messages from the prophet while they're frantically pedaling the elliptical, I'm going to poke their eyes out.

SERIOUSLY!

I don't think it's right for people to do crossword puzzles or study chemistry while they're working out either, but there's something almost, for lack of a better word, pernicious about trying to progress physically and spiritually at the same time.

Might as well wear a t-shirt that says Don't hate me because I'm faster AND more spiritual than YOU!


That's just. soooooo. wrong!


The only thing you should be doing while you're running in place or spinning your wheels is sweating and looking at your watch and cursing under your breath.

And the only thing you should be doing while you're reading religious material is sweating and looking at your watch and cursing under your breath.


Otherwise you're not living in the now.


LIVE in the NOW, peoples! Live! in! the! now!

I'm being punked, right?

Do you ever wonder if you're being punked?

I do too.

Sometimes I even catch myself looking around for the hidden cameras or listening for the Twilight Zone theme song. Like last week when my car was stolen from Target parking lot.

I KNOW! Hard to fathom in Happy Valley, right? Luckily my thief was kind enough to return it, except he parked it near Office Max, which threw me off. I thought the cop would be more concerned that my car thief hadn't been taught to put things back where he found them, but he just wanted to know if I had been taught to put things back where I found them.

RED FLAG, right!

Overall the cops in Utah are a little too nice. They really go out of their way for you. In fact, today my sons and I got lost looking for Hillcrest high and a cop stopped me to give me directions. How sweet is that? And then he asked to see my drivers license and gave me a pop quiz on the speed limit in a residential area.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh," I said. "I just graduated magna cum laude from Traffic School so I know this one! YAY!"

Missed it by 5 mph, but he gave me his autograph anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if my hub is in on the punk. Either that or he's just trying to annoy me by shoveling the driveway in his snowman PJ's and his Sunday shoes. And then shoveling the neighbors driveway in his snowman PJ's and his Sunday shoes.

For the record, I did buy him snow boots and jeans to go along with the shovel.

Yesterday I suspected that the whole state of Utah might be in on the punk because I went to the post office and you'll never believe who I stood in line behind . . .

Some lady.

Who had never been to the post office in her life!

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?

She kept asking me questions like, "Is this where I put the address? Is this where I put the stamp?" And then she would giggle and shrug and say "I've never done this before."

I finally said "How old are you that you've never been to a post office?"

She was twenty! years! old!


I'm being punked, right?

Unneccesary Sins

Last night I attended a fantastic musical fireside. I seriously had the most intense chicken skin through at least half of it.

And the other half? Well, let's just say I wanted to poke my eyes out.

In Hawaii they sing at musical firesides.

In Utah they sing too, but they also talk. A lot.

Is it just me, or do white people love to talk? Or maybe talking is a Mormon thing. (Not judging, just saying). It ain't our fault that we have a lot of explaining to do. Or that we feel responsible for enlightening the world and making them blind all at the same time.

In Utah they do powerful slide shows and videos at their musical firesides. Last night the powerful music accompanied powerful images of powerful pioneers pulling handcarts. The musical metaphor was something about how we are modern pioneers pulling heavy handcarts full of unnecessary sins which keep us from progressing.

Just as I was making the connection, the screen SUDDENLY lit up with subliminal messages popping out and racing across the screen--big words and little words coming at us in 3D. Words like texting and t.v. and sports.

Then there was a REALLY gigantic word that zoomed out at us, exploded onto the screen and, like aerial fireworks, hung there for a moment before it faded away.

BLOGGING

Not just once, mind you. I subliminally saw it twice.

Honestly it didn't bother me--probably because I understand the value of unnecessary sinning to keep my head from spinning around and popping off. The only thing that bothered me was the power of suggestion. With great power comes great responsibility. That's what Spiderman always says. In one fowl/foul swoop, slide shows like that put ammunition in the hands of those who place more value on the necessary sins, like journaling and scrapbooking and family history.

But doesn't a rose by any other name smell the same?

Am I right? Or am I right?

Oh wells, when the necessary sinners brand me with a scarlet letter B, I can always stick my tongue out and say "At least I don't text!"

In all fairness, the slide show did provide equal ammunition. If my hub or kids try to cast stones at me for blogging I can always poke their eyes out for playing sports.

Then once we're all sufficiently blind, we can sit down together and watch t.v. without any guilt.