My Super Hopeless Super Ferry Romance

Aloha everyone!

I'm in Maui. And guess how I got here!

That's right, (how'd you know? Oh, my title) we took the super ferry.

Here's how the super ferry works. You choose one of your cars to go on vacation with you, preferably whichever one needs the break the most. We chose our mini-van because it's been working for us for 9 years and it's never been off the island.

Next you climb in the car with your children and your in-laws while your husband stacks everything you own around you, including the kitchen sink. (You just never know when you'll need it).

When you get to the super ferry make sure you upgrade to the Hahalua lounge because it's at the very front of the boat so you get front row seats to watch your MIL BHBO.

(I'm creating new acronyms for this post so I don't have to say ugly words. When I say BHBO it = barfing her brains out. When I say BMBO it = barfing my brains out. If I say BYBO it = barfing your brains out)

The Hahalua lounge should be called the Ha ha Lua lounge because ha ha means I'm laughing at you and lua is the ancient Hawaiian art of self-defense. When you put it all together it means Put up your dukes while I laugh myself silly at you BYBO. 

To be fair, they should add a subtitle to their sign so you know what to expect in the Hahalua lounge.

Hahalua Loungue: Remember what it was like to be pregnant?

The Hahalua lounge is hilarious because they offer free pineapple and Costco mini suasage links and all you can drink drinks, and all you can B, B-bags, but no soda crackers. And then they let you stuff yourself while the super ferry goes surfing and they go hide in the back room with patches behind their ears pointing their fingers at you and saying ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Our super ferry was a pro surfer. DUDE! He could win the Pipeline Masters. He could really bang. He could crank through the waves like nobodies business.

And we had front row seats for every airdrop.

At first we enjoyed the ride on the vinyl lounge couches and reclining chairs and cute little round Jetsonesque tables overlooking the front of the boat. This is where we settled with our hot chocolate and our enthusiasm for the super ferry. I also had Miss Heidi's new book in hand because I was in the mood for romance.

But as soon as I opened Miss Heidi's book I got the urge to BMBO. It wasn't because Miss Heidi's book isn't romantic, it was because we started going through a channel and romance is the last thing on your mind when you feel like BYBO. 

I don't know which channel it was, probably the Disney channel because I found Nemo. In fact I found a hundred Nemos swimming around on the Hahalua lounge carpet while I was crawling across the floor trying to get to a vinyl couch ASAP.

When a super ferry goes through rough waters in a channel it begins to breath heavily. In and out, in and out it breaths. Maybe because it's a lot of work to chug along like that with a bunch of cars and people eating pineapple and Costco sausage links on board.

If you want to know what a breathing boat sounds like imagine Darth Vadar with a sinus infection. No, Darth Vadar with a sinus infection and bronchitis because every so often, when the ocean gets really wild, Darth Vadar wakes up and coughs up a lung. When Darth Vadar coughs up a lung it feels like you're actually inside Darth Vadar's lungs being thrashed around. And that's when you feel the greatest urge to BYBO.

After the hot chocolate and all-you-can-drink Sprite flew off the little Jetsonesque tables onto my lap, my MIL grabbed her B-bag and began gagging.  

The funny thing about gagging is it's just like yawning.  When one person yawn's everyone yawns.  When one person gags, everyone gags.  I had to cover my nose and crawl along the floor, to the vinyl couches and curl up into a little ball. I closed my eyes and tried to figure out how not to BMBO.

My father in-law had some good advice, which I'd like to pass along. Don't think about it! It really works too. Just don't think about how bad you want to BYBO and then it goes away. This works for pregnant women too. Mind over matter, girls.

I tried to think happy thoughts about rainbows and butterflies, and my mind really did stop thinking about BMBO, but then my stomach started thinking about BMBO.  I couldn't figure out what to do to get my stomach to stop thinking about it so I closed my eyes and put my sweatshirt over my head and started breathing with Darth Vadar. Innnnnnnnnnnhale .  .  . exxxxxxxxxxxhale.  Soon I became one with Darth Vadar and it helped.  It really helped.  Except my MIL kept gabbing and chuckling and gabbing and chuckling.  

She has a special gift of gab where the words pour prolifically from her mouth like a waterfall, and even the urge to BHBO doesn't stop them from gushing forth.  She just gabs and gabs until her stomach meets her uvula and then he grabs her bag and BHBO.  Then she chuckles and begins gabbling again.  

Me, I don't have that gift.  I have to curl up in a little ball and close my eyes and put my sweat shirt over my head and breath in and out, in and out until I become one with Darth Vadar.  

The most hilarious thing about the Hahalua lounge is at the end.  It's like the funniest punch line to a not very funny joke, where everyone is gagging and laying across the vinyl couches with their sweatshirts over their heads and then the concessions lady comes over the intercom and announces that the free snack bar will be closing in 10 minutes so please make your final purchases NOW.    

Once we were safely docked I gave the snack bar lady the address to our vacation rental and told her I was sorry I hadn't made my final purchases at the free snack bar because I was BMBO, but I would appreciate it if she would send the rest of my free Costco sausages to this address after I stopped gagging.