Monday, December 8, 2008

Interview With a Vampire Slayer

If you think this post is an interview with Kristina P and Sandi, who get their jollies dissecting smokin' hot vampires, you're WRONG!

This post is about an author who had to cut the vampire scenes from her latest novel, Miss Delacourt Speaks Her Mind because Stephanie Meyer beat her to the punch.

Our condolences, Miss Heidi. (I hope she doesn't mind if we call her Miss Heidi rather than Mrs. Ashworth. Don't you think she'll be able to pick up more guys that way?)

I am in the midst of reading Miss Heidi's lovely vampire-free novel and I'm completely charmed.

Seriously, it's a charming, lovely, vampire-free book. For those of you who are ready to cross 0ver to regular people romances, this is your bridge.

I was immediately sucked in (no pun intended) by the sassy heroine and subdued hero. Will Miss Delacourt be able to sass some spark into Sir Anthony? I can't wait to find out. (I just hope there is plenty of sassy subdued kissing.)

I'm so proud of Miss Heidi. I want to give Miss Heidi a high five. I want to get Miss Heidi's autograph. In fact, I want to be Miss Heidi. Her command of the English vocabulary is outrageous and adorable all at the same time. I'm simply green with envy.

If I saw her right now, this is how I would look:

Except I wouldn't be wearing my white silk Chinese shirt, I'd be wearing my black Pittsburg Steelers pajama pants.

This is me in awe (and in Fiji) as I interview and get the autograph of my favorite Pacific Island writer, Epeli Hau'ofa. (Read Tales of a Tikong if you want a meaningful laugh.)

Then read Miss Delacourt Speaks Her Mind, if you want a fresh, feel-good laugh.

I was fortunate enough to get an interview with Miss Heidi too. Well, it's not actually an interview . . . more a test to see if she knows the right answers.

Let's see how she does:

Now that you're famous, do you mind if we call you
Miss Heidi instead of Mrs. Ashworth? (because you can pick up more guys that way.)

As picking up guys has always been my major goal in life, an emphatic YES! But really, yes. No, wait, my husband might read this so. . . yes. (Sorry, I just can't stop saying yes.)

OOPS! WRONG ANSWER! You are a happily married woman.

2. WOW! What vocabulary school did you go to? (Did I already say WOW?)

Sadly, knowing too many words has long been a reason to shun me. My father was a high school English teacher and I had older sisters and a mom who were big readers (funny thing, books; they have lots of words in them and after awhile, you just start picking them up. . .). One of my sisters went around saying things like "if needs must" and "when the devil drives," pretty much constantly. I blame Georgette (Heyer). She is an author whose novels, clearly influenced by Jane Austen and Baroness Orczy (The Scarlet Pimpernel), attracted many imitators and as a result, the traditional regency romance book genre was born (of which I have read roughly 400). In fact, the first book I tried to read, after Jemima Puddleduck at age three, was A Talisman Ring by Georgette. I believe I was four. (That doesn't make me a bookish nerd, does it?)

OUCH! Wrong answer again! Yikes. You are a bookish nerd who doesn't even realize books talk too much.

3. Did you ever consider having Sir Anthony turn into a stinkin' hot vampire?

When one thinks of it, (and one does, now that you've mentioned it) Ginny Delacourt and Buffy the Vampire Slayer have a lot in common. They are both witty, a bit self-righteous and not afraid to say what's on their mind. I suppose that makes Ginny the perfect girl for Sir Anthony, whose penchant for expensive clothes, glib tongue and willingness to do just about anything for the woman he loves is highly reminiscent of Buffy's fave beau, Spike (er, that is, before he burst into flames to save her and the people she loved.) (And might I just add, Edward who?)

OUCHIE! Edward who??? Wrong again.

4. Did you ever consider toilet papering the publishing houses of all the editors that rejected you? If so, do you need help?

I love this question because it gives me the chance to brag, er, say that Miss D was only rejected once. Well, there was that other time but the editor who rejected it was only head of her own publishing house for about a day so I don't count "it". (Yet, it is her house I would most love to festoon with heavily hosed-down toilet paper. I appreciate the offer to help so call me!) I did have another book that was rejected only once (after that, it stayed in a box) and various little articles and so forth but not enough to really get riled about. This, however, is because I haven't done as much submitting as I could have. But, really, the less the better and this is why; knowing your market and to whom to send your work is imperative. It takes a lot of effort and a huge amount of brainery (there's that large vocabulary coming into play again) which is why I dedicate my book to, quote, "especially Shirley," who did the hard part for me. Except for writing the book. Let me make it clear that I was the one who wrote it. Yes. Honestly. (Would I lie to you?)

WRONG! Sue wrote it. And every good book was rejected at least 99 times. And toilet papering is wrong, wrong, wrong!

5. Which one of your blogging friends would you choose to donate your royalties to?

It would have to be someone I truly despise since the royalties aren't likely to be much. So, in light of the hatefulness of it, I decline to answer.

You can't say I didn't give you every opportunity to answer this one correctly.

6. How many kissing scenes can we expect to encounter?

You mean, you haven't gotten to that part yet?! Okay, I admit, there's more than one kissing scene, but the bulk of it is implied. These are old fashioned people, you understand. They don't do their kissing in the middle of a novel for the whole world to read. They have their priciples. They wait until you close the book for a while and then they sneak out to the wood shed. ("I saw something nasty in the woodshed." Whomever gets that reference and puts the correct answer in my comment box or Crash's gets an extra entry in the book giveaway contest.) Just kidding! There is no sneaking around in this book (wait! yes there is, but it isn't what you think). This book is very clean, which is not to say it is utterly without romance or a bit of steam here and there. To quote one reveiwer, "When he jerks her into his arms and she gasps in protest, only to find herself melting into him, I admit I put the book down to go and get a cold glass of water." Mission accomplished (as there is a huge deficit of water drinking in this world and I am nothing if not a philanthropist. One with a large vocabulary.)

I thought you said your life mission was to pick up guys? You are a paradox, full of contradictions.

(Here's a Heidi joke: How do you keep a philanthropist with a large vocabulary from drinking all your cold water?

Just give her your cold beer.) hee hee hee snicker snicker.

(You have to read this post to get this joke.)

Don't you think Miss Heidi should throw in another free book to the give-away for failing this test. If she refuses I'm going to spread it around that she's as boring as the old boat guy!

Good thing I love the old boat guy. And I love Miss Heidi. And I love cold water and hot kissing and outrageous vocabulary.

Everyone please go support our newest budding star and friend.

Buy Miss Delacourt speaks her mind.

You don't even have to read it. Just buy it. Do it. I double dog dare you.


Alyson | New England Living said...

Cold Comfort Farm! What do I win? hehehe

You two are so hilarious working together. I love it! I really, really need to read Heidi's book.

Oh and guess what the verifier is saying..."prizing", I'm not even kidding!

Heidi said...

Crash, I love it! I even love that you out-dun me!

Funny Farmer said...

Oh ho ho! How surprised is Miss Heidi going to be to see this "interview" here today? Huh Huh?

Kristina P. said...

That is too funny! And Spike is my favorite vampire. Now, talk about HOTT!

Sounds like a delightful book.

nevadanista said...

Nice interview Crash!

TisforTonya said...

Great interview - I guess I'll have to add this book to the reading queue (see, I know I can use that word here because you're obviously a bit of a word nerd too)

but I have a hard time believing that Kristina's favorite vampire is really Spike, given that she's pictured kissing Twilight...

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

he he he. Great interview.

Randi said...

This is my favorite interview ev-ah!
Both of you sound just a little bit punchy, which makes it all the more fun!

Aquaspce said...

you are hilarious!

Smart Helm said...

Dang it.. I knew it was from Cold Comfort Farm.

I got my book... 2 actually. They will be coming in the mail. I'm pretty sad my Barns and Nobles didn't have it in the bookstore and I had to order it... WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

oh yes.. back to u.. great interview!

Rebecca Irvine said...

Love this! Best laugh all morning.

Kazzy said...

Funny stuff! When I are going to get a gig doing nightly news for a network?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH! I just read this interview? Who wrote this???? Wolfgang?

Sorry Miss Heidi. It was midnight and I was super high on Rubber Cement since my two oldest had Science Project display boards due. Plus it didn't help that I found some eggnog from Thanksgiving in the back of the fridge.

Alyson, You SHOULD win something if the verifier said so. Like maybe a free book.

Thanks everyone for your appreciation of my Rubber Cement induced interview with a vampire slayer, even though if I had been thinking straight I would have titled it MISS HIEDI SPEAKS HER MIND.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I love being the 13th comment. It's going to be a lucky day.

And Heidi, I wasn't trying to out-dun you. I was trying to out-dun Jami. Her review was awesome. Yours too, Kazzy.

The Crash Test Dummy said...


Pretend I'm not here, I just came back to unplug my iron and turn off my stovetop,(and hit email follow up comments.)


The Crash Test Dummy said...

oooooopsa daisy . . . forgot again.

Darn eggnog hangover.

Heidi said...

Hey, you, no worries (well, except for whatever it is that is going on with that hangover) I said I loved it! And I don't say things I don't mean (well, at least not that). What Alyson gets, should her answer be correct, is an extra entry in the book giveway contest AND, because Crash said I should, I'm adding a book to the total (since I just got 10 more delivered the other day) so that makes three books that I'm going to be standing in line to mail along with all those dopes who mail their Christmas gifts at the 11th hour. That's okay, don't feel sorry for me, I will pass out Miss D bookmarks and make friends and before you know it, there will be a sing a long and Rubber Cement Eggnog.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH Heidi, is it the 11th hour already? I haven't even started sending my gifts, let alone buying them. You just gave me a panic attack.

I wish I could come to your rubber cement egg nog sing-a-long. Will Andy Williams be there?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I can't breathe. I just remembered my in-laws are coming in 4 days. Does anyone have an inhaler???


Anjeny said...

Shoooot Crash, I thought plastic don't breathe...oh wait, didn't Edward bite you already? You don't need to breathe, you might inhale some human blood and decide to have an early Christmas
Loooove the interview, as always, you are hilarious.

Hmmm, verifier says delistor, does that mean you are sooo going to delist that even word? Oh well, I'm not an English teacher...(**sticks tongue @you**)

Heidi said...

I haven't bought my gifts that need mailing (call me a dope) but my in laws aren't coming over either, so . . . (just fill in the blank, whatever sounds best)

Funny Farmer said...

For the love of comments, Crash - are you kidding me? Do you not have it set to automatically email you when you get comments on your own blog?

I think I must go back to my blog now and write a "how to" post. Just for you.

OldBoatGuy said...

I'm too late getting here, all the big word have been used.

Love you all!!!

LBBlum said...

Are you following me?
Stop following me.. I can post on other people's blog... you don't have to follow...

P.S don't invite Crash to a cookie exchange unless you want 12 dozen chocolate chip cookies.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee OBG.

And hee hee Swirl. Make that 3 dozen choc chip. I've never made 12 dozen anything.

And just because the heavens don't open for me when I bake like they do for you . . . and just because I'm not as kute and kreativ and krafty as you when it comes to kookies and kupkakes doesn't mean you have to go dragging my name through the mud from blog to blog.

Am I right people?

Just joshing, Swirl. Drag away. I'm secure with my title of queen chocolate chip cookie maker on the island.

ftr, btw, fyi, The cookie exchange begged me to make those choc chip cookies!

Funny Farmer said...

What, are they yucky chocolate chip cookies? What's not to like about chocolate chip cookies? Oh I know -- they're not swirly enough for you, are they? Bless your snooty craft bigoted heart!

LY Swirl!!!! :D <----this means I was joking in good fun above and you can't be mad or hurt or offended. That's the rule!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Swirl, maybe you should have invited Kristina P. that girl can really put out a cookie exhange spread.

Barbaloot said...

Ooh-I'm definitely wanting to read this book now. And dang Alyson for getting the quote before me!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

K Heidi...because you are so funny and I'm a sucker for romances...and I love your comment banter...I want to read your book!

I'll let you know when I do!

Mariko said...

Hurry up and read the dang book so I can get it next!

Funny Farmer said...

Apparently, not only do teachers these days have no sense of humor, but they're also cheapskates! (LY Mariko!) hee hee!