Saturday, December 6, 2008

Did you know?

Today my husband took off work and we went shopping all day long and it was uber fun as pooh! (ewww, I hate both of those words, but now that I've started quoting my daughter I CAN'T stop! Help me! Someone! Please!)

We listened to talk radio all the way to town, so today's post is going to be about all the things I recently learned from talk radio, plus a few things I learned last night from going to dinner with my husband's co-workers and consuming 5 times the legal limit in cheese. (And shame on us we drove home while still under the influence of ricotta.)

Did you know that this country is in a recession?

I seriously could not tell from all the heavy traffic and the overflowing parking lots at the mall and the uber long lines at Macy's (SOMEONE SMACK ME!)


Did you know that the only difference between a recession and a depression is that a recession is when everyone else loses their jobs and a depression is when YOU lose your job?

I totally thought a depression was when the country finally picked up it's prescription from France for Prozac.

Did you know that since Prop 8, Mormon jokes are the new Polock Jokes?

How can you tell the mother-of-the-bride at a Mormon wedding?

She's the pregnant one.

Har har har. That's so old school. Whoever wrote that joke doesn't know modern Mormon mommies very well. Everyone knows the only way you can tell the mother-of-the-bride at a Mormon wedding is by the invisible red thread criss-crossing across the room forever connecting her to her destiny.

How do you keep a Mormon from drinking your beer?

Make sure there are at least two other Mormon's in the room.

Snicker snicker. Now that one's funny. And true.

How do you keep a Mormon mommy from drinking your beer?

Just get her pregnant.

Hee Hee (I made that one up.)

(You wanna know why I always say hee hee? Because that's the exact sound my cute son makes when he laughs.)


Okay, one more did you know.


Did you know that Santa Claus is a fraud? I've had my suspicions, but it was confirmed at the elementary school Christmas program.

Check this out.

Santa's got guts. Literally. And they're made out of BYU-Hawaii pillow.

Take a closer look:

DUDE! He must have been backstage with Mrs. Santa elfing himself silly cause he looks a little discombobulated.


P.S. Today while I was shopping I got a rush of Christmas spirit over a single $100 purchase. It was for my twelve year old son. You will never never never never never never never never never be able to guess what it is and I CAN'T believe I bought it. Even my husband was stunned. I'm afraid to tell you because all of my neighbors will over hear me and then they'll think I'm insane.

I'll send a whole case of caramacs to the first person who can guess what it is. But cross my heart, hope to die, NO ONE ever will.


Alyson (New England Living) said...

A cell phone???? Just taking a stab. Am I the winner of the lovely caramacs?

"stalocur" - are the caramacs you're thinking of sending stale?

Alyson (New England Living) said...

An ipod????

I can keep going.

Alyson (New England Living) said...


Oh, you're so whimsical. I'm just a bored mormon mommy up at this insane hour. It's nearly 4 o'clock my time!!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Hmmmm....I claimed I could keep going and yet I'm stumped.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Oh, the Twilight series??? What 12 year old boy wouldn't want that? But perhaps that was why your husband was surprised.

Oh, was it a new tennis racket????

Alyson (New England Living) said...

A drum set????? That's why your neighbors will think you're insane.

Am I the only one at this party tonight?

nevadanista said...

A Barry Manilow Essentials box set?

You seem to have a knack for taking opportune pictures.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, here is me, the word freak, laying in bed trying to fall asleep, when SUDDENLY . . . a word pops into my head and my eyes pop open.

"Discombobluated" I say to my husband.

"What the?" He says.

Santa looked discombobulated, not disheaveled. I didn't even spell that right. How do you spell disheveled? Oh, there it is.

So I have to grab the ethernet cord and stick into into my ear so I can edit before anyone wakes up and read this post.

Then look who I find partying like a rock star in my box.

Alyson, you crazy MM. Are you decorating your tree? Are you eating pumpkin pie? Or are you just wracking your brain trying to figure out what I bought my 12 year old son?

Good guesses, but those are all useful, predictable, good ideas. (Except the Barry Manilow Essentials box. I don't even want to know what that includes) ;)

This is one of things you could never predict, plan for or prepare for. You would never put it on your list. At least I wouldn't. It's just jumps up and says YES. And you say noooooooo, but then you say YES!

There's a whole story behind it. A whole history.

Someday I'll tell you.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Look at me mispeling wurds rite and left. I ment to say racking not wracking.

It's 11:43 and I'm still reeling (not wreeling) from my boys Safety Kids performance tonight. It was the most hee-sterical thing I've ever seen.

But Martha didn't even crack a smile. She fell asleep. Martha, how could you??? I couldn't stop ROTFLOL.

Drugs are a bad bad thing and all you gotta say is no.

How can you not laugh when your boys are trying to get each other to drink beer on stage and singing solos and doing pulp fiction choreography.

After the concert my son shook his head and said, "Mom, why did you have to put us in choir?"

I said "because I don't want you to take drugs."

He rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't have taken drugs anyway."

He coulda told me that before I dropped $480 to ensure their sobriety.

Worth every penny just for the show tonight. Better than Broadway.


Liz said...

did you buy your son a sterling silver diamond heart pendant??? it's only $99 at macy's! ok, how about a watch?
i'm so waiting for my allergy medicine to kick in, hence the late night comment . . .
did you buy him a 6 month supply of zyrtec?
a year supply of underwear? a nose ring? a gps for the trek from the townhouses to school?

oh my gosh
oh my gosh
oh my gosh
you bought him some computer video magical chocolate covered program game thing-a-ma-jig(don't judge that word! you use some rich ones yourself, momma!)that's the size of his palm. right? right??? you purchasing something techno for one of your sons would definitely surprise many of us who know the book lover tina feyer reader/writer/karate chopper person that is CTD. now i'm following you around church until i know.
my wv is: goolizz. i think they mispelled goooooo liz!!!!!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

One of those snowboard looking skateboards???? I'm obessed with finding the answer.

georgie said...

a guitar and I am so LOL@that santa and your comment about elfing mrs claus!!!!
you do know your goin on the naughty list for that one...callin santa out like that pffft ;-)

Kristina P. said...

Wow, I am SOOOOO offended over those Mormon jokes. How DARE you!!

(Hey, do you think you can send me some more of them to my email? Thanks.)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Not to be rude, but you guys aren't even close. YOU WILL NEVER GUESS IT! It's way out there.

Kristina, that's all the Mormon Jokes I've got. Sorry. I can make some more up if you want.

Georgie, the naughty list????? hee hee hee hee hee

(It's kinda fun to be on the naughty list.)

Heidi Ashworth said...

I really want to be clever and cute but it is 10 am and I haven't done my exercises OR eaten my steel cut oats for breakfast so I'm just going to take a stab in the dark and guess a Wii fit. It looks like Santa could use one, yellow pillow or no. Milka: they didn't say it like that last time I was in Hawaii

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I know. A Colbert Christmas??? Wait...that doesn't cost $100, but it should. It made my Thanksgiving anyway.

Funny Farmer said...

ROFL on the lying in bed almost asleep and the perfect word you should have used pops into your head. That happens to me all the time! Well, when I'm posting, anyway. Ahem.

As for the secret $100 purchase...

Hm. Guitar Hero 3 for Xbox/Playstation/Wii.

Giant Knex Roller Coaster set.

Uh. Electric scooter.

Mad Scientist Chemistry Set.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Heidi, the present isn't witty. Or even wise.

I better watch A Cobert Chrismtas now.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Funny Farmer, nope nope nope nope

It's not electric or electronic or useful at all.

Mariko said...

I am seriously considering going to Macy's right now to buy a $100 item, but it's for myself. There's no way you'd buy an 11 cup cuisinart for your son, although it would answer the question, "You'll never guess."
But cuisinarts are electronic and useful, which is why I'm trying to convince my husband it's a good idea, and then with him supporting me I won't have to feel guilty one little bit.

April said...

I know! I know!!!!!!

A suit!!! I was going to say socks and underwear....I have to replace what feels like $100 worth every year, but I'm going with a suit! or sock and underwear!!! hahahaha!! a suit! (This is why I give my boys cash and we go shopping the day after Christmas! I can't make up my mind!!!!)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

No, it's not a suit. It's not even that useful. I'm telling you it's not useful at all. But it's valuable. And sentimental.

And this post isn't about my son's Christmas present. It's about depression and pregnancy and beer and BYU-Hawaii pillows.

Susan said...

OK, how can i comment without guessing on the gift??/ A dog? A pet? No, not sentimental enough. I'm not that creative. As for Santa, that pillow mishap is unacceptable!! My kids would have been devestated...well, at least my 1st grader...

April said...

A throw blanket to cuddle up in with BYU-Hawaii logo on it! You would use it when you are depressed, it goes with no decor in the house, and completely impractical (unless you are a student and then you think you HAVE to have one). You can use it to hide your pregnancy for a while from friends....and drink fake beer by the ocean cuddled up under it! head hurts too much!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee hee. So silly Susan and April.

Okay, now I'm starting to feel silly because it has not fur and you can't cuddle up with it AT ALL. It's old (more than half a century) and it's impractical.

We told our son he couldn't have a dog. Too expensive (plus our backyard is the size of a postage stamp). We told him he couldn't have a dirt bike. Too expensive (plus our garage is the size of a postage stamp.

It's hard to convince your kids these reasons are valid when Martha's kids all have a dog and a dirt bike. Thanks, Martha.

But now I'm astounded that I would spend $100 on something you can't play with, listen to, cuddle with or use.

What kind of Santa am I?

And now my verifier says exual.

Yikes. Kinda ironic since this post put me on the naughty list.

Jillybean said...

I know!
You bought him a new vacuum!!

Oh wait. It's my kid that want's a vacuum for Christmas.

A pair of skis?

A diamond studded electric toothbrush?

A sewing machine?

12 cases of Hershey bars?

A four year subscription to "Boy's life" magazine?

Melanie J said...

I'm fretting because I'm so bad at guessing. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Okay...I guess a...Kota the Triceratops! Or, no...a tuxedo! Wait, it' air guitar!

That's all I can think of, but I bet I'm right.

April said...

It's artwork! You bought something to hang on your wall! Something that everyone can enjoy!! That's it!!! And it's artwork that reminds you of a special place....oh wait that's what I did for us last year! hahahahaha!!!

SWIRL said...

Jackie Robinson Ice cream maker?
Am I close??

Sandi said...

a spot on the Cullen baseball team?

April said...

A deep fryer!!!!!!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I am way late for the party. Alyson girl what kind of drugs were you taking last night? Crash thanks for filling me in on all these things, I did't know. Except the pregnant mom at the wedding thing. That happened to me and my mom, she was not impressed, but of course it all worked out.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hee hee. You guys are hilarious. Jillybean, that's a whole lotta wrong guesses! But thanks for playing.

Kinda shocking that your son wants a new vacuum.

Sandi--HA! Good one, girlfriend.

April--YOU really want those caramacs. You should get some just for trying so hard and your getting a weeeeee bit closer. Alyson, you've already got some on the way, but you're a hard core player too.

SWIRL!!!! OMGOSH! You are on the right track. And oh how funny, you made me laugh so hard. ICE CREAM MAKER!

I'm going to have to spill my guts tomorrow.

Swirl, I'm going to send over a box of caramacs right now because your hot and you're funny.

But Swirl has an advantage. She's my neighbor and she knows how I roll.

Sandi said...

I am so impressed with all these guesses, I would attempt another, but Kute Kasey is coming home on Sunday and will bring me all the caramacs and li hing candy that I want...yay!!

Funny Farmer said...

A Jackie Robinson Baseball Card! Baseball autographed by J. R. - no, that would be worth more than $100.

"putumsh" That is probably the funniest word I've ever gotten. hahahahahahahahha

April said...

Ok...last guess and I don't even know what caramacs are! ( must share!!) My guess is the Deluxe George Foreman Grill! How pathetic...I have no life! hahahahaha!!!!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

NO, but IIIII want a delux George Foreman Grill!!! I'll send you Caramacs if you send me George Foreman.

Def have Sandi share. Hey, is Sandi your sister?

Sandi when did you come to BYU-H?

Thanks everyone for giving me such good ideas for Christmas.

Martha said...

It took me ten minutes to read all these comments. This comment box is out of control. Z's present has to be a rare baseball card.

Dang, I thought he was getting a dirt bike. You do know that A & J bought their bikes with their hard-earned PCC money? Ok we did buy the little 50, but that was peanuts compared to the others. P wants to get one for R now. He is addicted more than Adam.

No one would go with him so
yesterday I went dirt biking with P. I put on all of J's dirt bike gear, pants, gloves, shirt, helmet. I was looking way sharp and you weren't home to see. It was a tad scary at times, but I never wiped out (only stalled 5 times).

I did know we are in recession and that is why we have dirt bikes and another car. Why save all your money when you are just going to lose it in the stock market. Let's just buy more stuff and have fun now.

Martha said...

So during the Safety Kids thing I swear I only closed my eyes for a second. Tommy crashed on my lap and he was so cuddly, until he got heavy and my legs began to ache.

April said...

Crash to answer your question..Sandi and are not sisters...she went to HS with my hubby and our oldest kids (Kute Kasey and my oldest son) went to HS together before we moved away. BTW...I give up on the gift....but I am dying to find out what it is!!!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee Martha. I guess we better start spending all of our money and having fun too. Can you suggest it to my husband.

April, I promise I will tell you soon.

Youngblood4ever said...

Okay CTD- I'm guessing you went to an antique store and paid $100 for a superhero lunchbox. It could happen. Not really useful nowadays, and it can be sentimental. Or just mental, depending on who you are.

Erin said...

I've read three posts and I love you already. Here's my problem: you're so witty that I can't think of any good comebacks. So will you appreciate my little old comment even though it's boring? I'll try to think of something better next time.

Funny Farmer said...

No worries Erin. No one is asking you to be clever. Just Gush over her genius and declare your undying devotion and Crash will dub thee her newest bbff. (She collects them, dontcha know) Keeping piling it on day after day and you may eventually unseat me as The BBFF. I've been slacking lately so it won't be terribly hard.

But since Crash just barely learned how to have all her comments emailed, she'll probably never see this comment, so I'd recommend you go and comment again on her latest post.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I saw that Lisa. I saw it. I saw it. I saw it. And I didn't even have it emailed to me. So there. ;) wink and smile.

I used my psychic powers.

Thank you Erin. No pressure to be witty. Just say something dumb and then I can make fun of you! That's my job.

And silly Lisa. You know I will never replace you as my BBFF. I don't collect those. Only bff's. I hope you're having these comments emailed to you. ;)

Funny Farmer said...

Psychic powers? Hee hee... don't you mean psychotic powers? ha ha ho ho hee hee haaaaw! Love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course I am having these comments emailed to me! What kind of BBFF would I be if I didn't?!

The real question is, is Erin getting comments emailed to her, because if she's not, we're just gossiping about her behind her back. And that's wrong, I'm pretty sure.