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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

You didn't hear it from me! (For real this time)

Is it bad that I gave my husband a pair of black silk pajamas for his birthday?  

They weren't for him, they were for me, but still . . . my black silk pajamas are his black silk pajamas, right?  

My daughter shook her head at me and my know-it-all twelve year old son told me I'm the worst wife in the world, (even though I was up at 6:30 making orange julius and slabs of bacon and fried poached over-easy scrambled eggs and banana pancakes with whip cream.)

While I was slaving away over the griddle, my son put on my black silk pajamas and paraded around the house ROTFLOL. 

He looks better in them than I do.

But you didn't hear it from me.

Is it bad that I spent my husband's whole birthday in bed wearing his/my black silk pajamas and sneezing in his face every time he got near me?

Father forgive me, for I am sick.

I have a cold.  And a fever.  So do I feed it or starve it?  That's my dilemma.

You wanna know why I got sick?  Because I'm a rebel.  Without a cause.  And because I don't like family secrets.  

Not the mysterious in-the-closet-family-secret secrets, I love those, but the secrets-to-a-successful-family secrets.   Every family has them.  The family code.  The family protocol. The family proclamation of do's and do not's.

It took me a while to learn my husband's family secrets, but they are now engraved upon a tablet of stone in my head.

1. Thou shalt not sleep. 
2. Thou shalt not speak during the weather.
3. Thou shalt not eat in between meals, or leave food on thy plate. 
4. Thou shalt not take the name of Chuck-a-Rama in vain.
5. Thou shalt not get sick.

If you happen to commit the unpardonable sin of breaking any of the aforementioned commandments in combination with other aforementioned commandments, you will be struck by lightening and go straight to marriage H. E. double. hockeysticks.  

For instance, if you don't eat everything on your plate(s) at Chuck-a-Rama because you ate in between meals and then you get sick and fall asleep during the weather, you might as well skip the bread pudding for dessert and go straight for the divorce pie.

But you didn't hear it from me.

So that's why I'm sick.  It's because I'm a rebel.  Without a cause.  And I don't have a firm testimony of family proclamation commandments.   

But I can tell you exactly what the weather is going to be tomorrow so you don't have to watch it every tamn night.  

FAIR TO PARTLY CLOUDY!  SLIGHT CHANCE OF RAIN!  

But you didn't hear it from me.

And btw, every family proclamation should have a hippocratic oath because (shhhhhhhhhhh) can I tell you something in confidence?  Come closer.

Closer.  

Closer!!!!!  

I said, CLOSER!!!!!!!!! 

My IL's fall asleep during the weather every single night and when they wake up they pretend like they watched the whole thing.

But you didn't hear it from me!

14 comments:

Jen said...

When I want to sleep I turn on the weather. Now who's the rebel?

(And can I come over for breakfast? But with blueberry pancakes instead? I can't tell you how good that sounds to me right about now...)

Jen said...

Good thing you re-posted my comment as well, or I might have thought you were trying to shake your BWSFC off your tail...

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Way to go Jen, first again. Don't you have anything else to do besides wait for Crash to post? Yea me neither. Actually I am in a huge denial right now. Do you think it is true what they say in the Grinch, Christmas will come with or without presents and all the trimmings? Because I choose without, if I am allowed to exercise my free agency.
Oh that's right Jen you are snowed in with nothing else to do.
Crash I am sorry you are sick. Hope you feel better soon or is it the kind of illness that lasts 32 days?

OldBoatGuy said...

You caught a cold because of all that nudie watching. A guy/girl and catch cold naked. And when you watch naked. That's why I never catch a coold. No nakedness.

Over-easy-poached-sunysideup-scrambled??????

uniste..............universal instant etiquette, that's long for NO NUDITY!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Jen, I would never try to shake my BWSFC.

And Pat, I hear you. I bet start scrambling, sick or not so my kids don't go without.

And hee hee about the 32 day sickness. hee hee hee. You are so clever.

And OBG. You're probably right. I'm probably being punished too for spreading partial nudity across the internet. That should be one of my family proclamation commandments. Thou shalt not spread partial nudity.

Heidi Ashworth said...

You are so TAMN funny! My alcoholic fil (back when he used to drink) would fall alseep in front of the TV and then get mad if anyone turned the channel and would insist that he was "watching that!!" He never believed anyone when told that he was fast asleep. So, one day, while he slept, we painted his toenails with green white out (don't ask me why it's called white out when it's ledger green, but it is, or was--do they even need white out these days?) Anywho, we then took a polaroid photo of him sleeping with his green toes aloft on the recliner. Then we turned the channel (we were so daring!) When he woke up, he was very surprised to see the evidence in the photo, so deep in his drunker stupor was he, but the photo went up on the fridge and there was nary a complaint if the channel was changed during his fiesta ever after. Amen. (I didn't get past the word verifier. I guess I forgot to check for typos in that)

Melanie J said...

I've only been married two years (as of yesterday) so I'm learning my IL's commandments, but one I know for sure is NEVER question my MIL's choice of fabric. If it's a gift that I'm expected to display on my table as runners for my wedding and they are the totally wrong red, or if they're permanent wrapping fabric for my nephews and I had something totally different in mind but she found the fabric on clearance, just EMBRACE it. Do not decline it. LOVE the fabric.

And I think I know what I'm blogging about tomorrow.

T said...

we must have married into the same family - the weather forecast is sacred... why? yeah, I'll never know

and of COURSE he will enjoy your black silk pajamas... just not when you're sick

I am LoW said...

Thou shalt get better Crash!!

And that's a commandment!

April said...

I know why you are sick Crash, because you overdressed! You didn't see any of those nudies walking around with tissues in their hands on stuffed under their hats did you? The same thing goes for parents who never dress their children appropriately in bad weather. Those kids never get sick, but were I to dress mine the same way, they'd have pneumonia! But you didn't hear it from me!

PS--Who makes breakfast any more? I thought that's what cold cereal was for.

Annie Valentine said...

Are you on medication today?

alotalot said...

Oh, the Chuck-o-Rama Commandment. I could bear my testimony of that one too.

Martha said...

Ok, I'm back. It's taken my two straight days to get the house in order after my adventure in Waikiki. Then I had to wrap major presents and make a bazillion cookies and still go to work.

So when we were in Honolulu we went to Perry's Smorgy. It's totally like Chuck O Rama so my hubby was happy and it was named after him.

Who watches the weather in Hawaii? Adam does have the surf report on speed dial though.

I didn't even know you were sick. Glad you are better.

I think it's a Utah thing that you can't snack. My MIL lets babies scream of starvation because they shouldn't snack. We always have to sneak food in when we visit them.

Natalie said...

I could never live up to that kind of pressure.