Sunday, December 14, 2008

Wherein I Resecued My In-Laws

Does this title shout Miss Heidi, or what? I've been practicing so I can publish a book like her someday.

I almost went with a different title: It was a Dark and Stormy Night.

You know how much I love that opening line. (But it's not such a bad line when it's true.)

I probably should have titled it, It was a Dark and Story Night Wherein I Rescued My In-Laws!

Last night it was a dark and stormy night. There was much thundering and lightning and downpouring of rain. Insomuch that SUDDENLY a pole fell from it's upright position about 5 miles from our house and bonked a car on the head and left the road closed for 6 hours.

At the moment it fell my husband was almost home from picking up his parents from the airport and I was almost finished cutting glittery stars to string around the cultural hall for the ward Christmas party.

Things quickly deteriorated from ordinary and stressful to boring and stressful. Boring and stressful for my husband because he was trapped in a car with his parents on the other side of the pole. It wasn't long before boring and stressful turned to boring, famished and stressful.

But, as my MIL always says (and then does), "When you're in a pickle, ask the dummy."

I immediately dropped my scissors, wrapped an ice pack around my sore thumb, grabbed my red cape and a flashlight and stole an umbrella from Martha's front porch.

My trusty sidekick, twin son, also grabbed his flashlight and stole an umbrella from Martha's front porch.

Off we went to the rescue. Oh, the perilous journey, in which my husband advised me many times to never ye mind us, turn back while ye still have your sanity and your dry corduroy jeans.

But NO, onward we trudged, my twin son and myself, through the dark and frightening woods, along the dark and pounding ocean, letting our little lights so shine into the pouring rain. The rain fell in droves of droplets. Droves and droves of droplets. But we lent strength to each other and continued on.

Soon we came to a brick wall in which a stream of rushing water prevented us from completing our journey. We forged ahead in a new direction, climbing a steep incline and walking through a large and spacious field which slowly turned into a large and spacious lake. We clenched our stolen umbrellas and legally purchased flashlights as my dry corduroy jeans became damp corduroy jeans, except from the knees down where they were sopping wet corduroy jeans.

The lightening did pierce the sky exceedingly, and the thunder did pierce our eardrums exceedingly, insomuch that my twin son did waver and say "I want to go home now," but I did show exceeding bravery by saying "We're almost there" even though I did lie exceedingly because I knew not where we were and I did fear the likelihood of death by electricution was exceedingly high because of the electromagnetic genes passed on to me after my gigi was struck by lightening twice.

And I did become exceedingly weary of using exceedingly long sentences punctuated by the word exceedingly.

SUDDENLY we saw a wall in front of us. Was it a wall? No, it was a gate. But would the gate open, or would we have to turn back?

Yes, it would open and we would wedge our way through and we would come upon the parking lot where my husband and in-laws sat bored and famished and stressed.

And we did share our flashlights and stolen umbrellas with them and we did lead them safely back through the darkness and the wetness as they spoke all the while of the exceeding dangers of electrocution.

And we did successfully complete our rescue mission. And even though at the ward Christmas party it did appear as if I had been swapping DNA with a wet poodle, we did consume turkey until our bellys hurt and we did laugh until our sides ached (and I did aggravate my thumb injuries by clapping so profusely) at the Young Women doing synchronized swimming, and the Young Men doing Kung Fu theatre and the Relief Society sistahs doing Beyonce and Santa Clause wearing his Plumeria Pajamas.

And we did attempt to retreive our car and my in-laws luggage numerous times, but to no avail.

Finally at 11:37 I awoke my husband and we did successfully retrieve our car, but upon our return we did hide our faces in shame and public humiliation because our alarm clock was wagging it's tongue loudly and rudely at all the neighors.

It had slipped my husband's mind that he set the alarm for midnight so we could retreive our car. (Sorry Martha and Swirl.)

At midnight I finally turned into a pumpkin and got some sleep.

P.S. I'm not really here right now. I'm in Maui. (Nani nani boo boo. But I know you're not really here right now either. You're in church reading this post on your iphone. Am I right, or am I right? That's why I tried to sound scriptional for you so you wouldn't feel so bad about reading blogs on your iphone during church.

I hope they have wi-fi in Maui so I can post all my Maui photos and make you all exceedingly jealous that you're in church getting scriptional while I'm in Maui getting tan (as soon as the sky stops falling) and reading Miss Heidi's new book.

p.p.s. Funny Farmer wants to know how I can eat a whole bowl of cake batter and not gain at least 5 lbs. I hope this doesn't make you think less of me, but I meant to tell you in that last confessional that I actually did gain 5 lbs and I didn't really eat a bowl of cake batter. I haven't eaten a whole bowl of cake batter since I moved away from home after high school. (But if I had, it would have been yellow cake batter.)

I did eat the mints though, and my lower lip did burst into a flaming hot cold sore.


Blogging Mama said...

Fantastic. I could sense the danger and excitement!

georgie said...

I think I hear random house calling

OldBoatGuy said...

Very good story on a dark and stormy night! It's time to buy a second car and umbrellas. But who needs an umbrella when there is no rain? I am impressed with your bravery, against the lightning. And your son also.

Sandi said...

Oh my- funniest post I ever read! I would SO buy a book that you wrote. I could feel the electricity in the air. You should definitely win the daughter-in-law of the year award! I am so glad you learned how to spell corduroy and made it to your party (wherein sounds like the best party ever and I wish I was there). p.s. my favorite part was the droves and droplets...haha Thanks for making Sunday morning FUN:)

Funny Farmer said...

hee hee! Who needs Superman when the Dummy is around? I feel so scripturally fed that I can skip church now, right?

Heidi Ashworth said...

For some reason, I suddenly had this strange feeling that I was watching an episode of LOST. But then, I thought I was in church, of all places (will be soon, though). And then you said that part about gaining five pounds and I was in hog heaven (just kidding!) (sort of).

Barbaloot said...

I would just like to say that I read this prior to church. I'm totally righteous like that.

Or I just don't have an iphone...

Isn't it the worst when your alarm clock goes off like that forever!?

T said...

not only do I like anything that begins with "it was a dark and stormy night" but I feel like I've gotten in some good scriptural reading for the day... and I still have HOURS before church! Glad the adventure ended with Turkey and synchronized swimming :)

oh - and hasn't anybody ever told you that raw eggs (in the cake batter) can give you salmonella? Ewww... (okay, so my mom was a nurse - almost anything can give you SOMETHING, just ask her!)

OldBoatGuy said...

OK. Twenty Questions.
1) Didn't your husband know his way home?
2)Wasn't there another route around the blocked road?
3)Don't you have 2 cars?
4)After midnight, how did you get to the parked car?
5)Did I ruin the story?

Well, not 20. Hee Hee

dombi........I'm a dummy too.

trophype......second try, sounds like a lot of tropical hype to me. Hee Hee

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I agree with Sandi, I totally LOL and ROTFL and other acronyms I don't even know about. And I agree with FF very super heroish.
Way to go.

The Rogers Family said...

Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton would be proud of your skills. Stephen

April said...

And here I thought you were so scriptorial (real word?) because you were preparing a lesson for church only to find that you are in Maui!!! But, thanks for all of the wherefore, and wherein's. It helped to bring back the Sunday mood in the home after I had erased it with a couple of naughty words albeit in my head because of a bad hair day.

You are my hero!!! Just the thought of wet corduroy pants against my legs is enough to make my skin crawl! You deserve the trip to Maui after your ordeal AND you still think of us! Why haven't you been translated yet????

Martha said...

I feel like I have to answer OldBoatGuy because only we who live on the North Shore of Oahu can understand what goes on when they close the dang road.

If you get stuck on the side that your home is not, there are three options:

1. You can park your car, hike on the beach around the accident or pole, and call a friend to come pick you up on the other side (which is what Crash's hubby and in laws did because they were only 5 mins. from home).

2. You can drive all the way around the island which takes about2 hours.

3. You can sit in your car and wait it out. (I think in this case the road was closed for about 6 hours.)

So Crash made an excedingly good decision to rescue her hubby and inlaws.

Martha said...

Thanks for the idea. After reading this post, now I know exactly what I should get you for Christmas.

Remember the salt? One December like 8 years ago, Crash ran out of salt and kept forgetting to buy any. So she kept sending over different kids to borrow some. So for Christmas, I wrapped up like a 3 pound box of salt. Weirdist present ever, but so needed.

Martha said...

Oh yeah and today is our anniversary, 18 whole years. Do you think I'll get a present?

I am LoW said...

I am exceedingly glad you shared this with us! And now I want an iPhone for Christmas.

April said...

Dang...why didn't I think of asking for an iPhone before telling my hubby I wanted nothing! What was I thinking???? BTW....Happy Anniversary Martha...I hope you DID get something!

Jen said...

That was so "scriptional" I think I felt the spirit. Especially when you made it safely across the large and spacious field.

Sounds like a rip-roaring ward Christmas party too...

Abra said...

Bahahaha! I can just picture everyone with their iphones sneaking a peek during that "ONE" talk...
TOO Funny!

Of course, I would never do such a thing, because I unfortunately have to work Sundays so... I would be sneaking a peek in between chopping onions and making Salmon Neptunes...

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Guess what? I totally stayed home from church today and blamed it on my son's swollen tonsil/adenoid less throat! It was great!

Then I got to catch up on all your blog posts I have missed...have you totally missed my comments?

Seems not since you have like doubled your readers or followers since I last read your post! Crazy? :)

Can I THANK YOU for making me sick...I am in SICK bloated Happiness because I got your Caramacs yesterday and have almost eaten them all in less then 24 hours!

Yet I have a smile on my face, like an overdose of Hawaii goodness!!! I might need to spend all night by the toilet, but it was totally worth it!

You Do win DIL of the year award...I would have honored the covenant I made of obeying my husband as long as he obeys the Father which is in Heaven...and since he told you to not worry about them...I would have done just that and stayed in my nice no electrocution by lighting home...except that it could happen, but is less seldom than being out in nature getting flooded and soaked in while holding on to a lighting rod umbrella!

Were you testing your son's courage as they did with the Indians?

I am VERY scared of the Thunder...with the Lighting...together. They make chills run up and down my spine...Have you seen that movie POWdER? Totally freaky!

VERIFIER: RENTGUG--not even kidding!

Which just means you should have rented GUG to do your dirty work for you husband and in-laws in the Lighting and thunder rainstorm...I WOULD have!

Did I thank you for the caramacs yet? THANK YOU!!! The note was a nice touch! :)

smileandbehappy said...

Aloha everyone! I'm in Maui and I have ethernet! YAY!

Thank you Martha for stepping up and explaining things to the old boat guy. And Happy Anniversary! Did your hubby get you a present? Or fix you dinner? Or give you flowers or a kiss? How come your anniversary always falls on Sunday? Does P plan it that way so he doesn't have to take you to a movie?

And THANK YOU for helping my daughter print her project. If you guys can believe it my daughter had to stay home from Maui because she has soccer games and too much homework and projects and stress. I am so sad without her. But how lucky am I that I have a neighbor to take care of her printing and sleeping needs?

Sandi, is Kute Kasey home now? Have you been reunited? How ironic that you are reunited with your daughter and now I am separated from my daughter. I don't know how you stand the separation from Kute Kasey. Now I know why you were so happy when me and Swirl made Kute Kasey Kute Kupcakes. I wish someone would make kute kupcakes for my kute daughter since I'm not there to make them myself.

But Martha, printing projects is just like making kute kupcakes. MAHALO!

Our printer broke today everyone. Probably because it's Sunday and I didn't go to church. I went to Maui instead.

April, sorry about your bad hair day. Did you take Tamn's name in vain too?

I'm so glad you're all so righteous that you would never bring your iphones to Church to read my blog. I don't want that on my shoulders. Except Martha, she was totally writing her comments from her iphone during church because 1:35 is Sunday School.

Jen, I'm so happy to see you again. It's seems so long. And you cracked me up!!!!!!!!! (See how much I mean that!)

And YAY Shelle's back. Shelle I DID MISS YOUR COMMENTS since you're my twin. I totally miss you when you're not here. I miss all of you. I remember each one of you! Shelle, I'm so glad you and Alyson got the caramacs. Are they yummy or what? How weird that we both stayed home from church today and we were both close to puking. I will tell you my puking story tomorrow.

(btw, I HATE that word as much as I hate the word pooh. Maybe if I add an H to puking it will sound better. Phuking. or Puhking. Or pukhing. pewkhing. There we go. That's more ladylike.

Anyway, Shelle, SOUL SISTAS! Can I tell you something. I totally thought you lived in Salt Lake. Weird.

Alyson, I MISS YOU! Where are you today? I've got to wait for you and Emily and Anjeny and Swirl and Mariko before I move on.

Mariko are you okay? Have you moved back into your house? Do you need a place to crash until you do? (cRaSH! I crack myself up.) My house is nearly empty except for my broken printer.

Hi Stephen, wow you know your romance novelists. Did Esly healp you with that?

P.S. Sandi thanks for being willing to buy my first book. I will make sure to include droves of droplets somewhere within the pages, just for you.

Aloha blogging mama and Georgie (I never got the call from Random House) and Funny Farmer (did you clog your brains out yesterday?) And Heidi (I tried to read your romance on the super ferry to Maui, but I almost pukhed. Not because of your book though so no worries.)

Hi Barbaloot. Can I call you Barbie? Or Barb or Barbalot. Loot is so materialistic.

Hi Pat and Lo and Abra Cadabra. I can't wait to catch up on all of your posts soon.


Jillybean said...

I smell cake batter and gain five pounds.

And go ahead, just keep rubbing it in about the whole being in Maui thing. It snowed here today, and is currently about 19 degrees.

smileandbehappy said...

And T--my mom isn't a nurse, she's a hair cutter. She never told me about Salmon ella in cake batter. (I love salmon though. Is that why I love cookie dough and cake batter? ;) She just told me not to eat the cake batter while she was cutting my hair.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey, that as so weird. I just posted under my daughter's blog smile and be happy. It's really ME, CTD. How did I SUDDENLY do that? Seriously.

OH. Hee hee. I did that the first time too.

Smile and be happy is really ME incognito.

What a serendipitous happening, since I'm missing her and wishing I was with her and now I actually am her.

What a freaky friday. (I mean strange sunday).

I bet Jackie Robinson did that.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Did I just freak all of you guys out?

Hi Jilly Bean. Thanks for letting me get to you. Nani Nani boo boo. I'm sweating right now!

Martha said...

Here am am printing out Smile and Be Happy's papers and decided to check your comments and you are there.

You so busted me on the being home from church during Sunday School. But, I can explain. R had a headache and so I brought her home and then had to print out a primary thing so I checked your post and got carried away. It's your fault. Plus, I'm in primary so I don't go to Sun. School. I just run errands for Swirl who is our pri. pres.

Oh, and R healed miraculously after some ibuprophen and was able to make a big Happy Anniversary sign and a cake (which is almost like cupcakes). So your Kute daughter got her printing done and some cake today. She ate it like she hadn't had cake in a long time. I know you bish's wife brought her some food too. I think she more than ok.

I don't know why the anniversary always falls on Sunday. That's sort of weird. I did get a kiss and a cake, but that's it. I don't think I told you though on Fri - Mon we have a hotel room booked in Waikiki. So the first 2nights I'm taking the 4 little kids and A & J don't even want to go.

Then the last 2 nights P and I are staying by ourselves. I know, I'll believe it after it happens, but that's the plan. So he promised we would go shopping, out to dinner and a movie. That's like a triple wammy.

See Crash knows that my hubby hates to go anywhere or spend money. He likes to stay home, watch movies at home, eat at home, and he would prefer to babysit rather than go anywhere. I watch Crash and her hubby always going out and am so jealous. So I use his "homebodyness" to my advantage and make him stay home with our little guy as much as possilbe.

Mariko said...

I must have passed you in the dark. I walked back and forth across the park as well. I have no idea what wall you hit, though.

Sandi said...

See what I mean about Crash doing a post within a post...more than once in this case..haha SOOOOO glad you are having fun on Maui, but sorry you are missing your daughter. I really wish I could take her some kute kupcakes! Kasey flew in last night but I wont see her until Wednesday--I can't wait!

Mariko said...

Oh, and I buy cake mix and I gain five pounds in the anticipation of it.
Yeah, why didn't your husband know how to walk through the park?