Does this title shout Miss Heidi, or what? I've been practicing so I can publish a book like her someday.
I almost went with a different title: It was a Dark and Stormy Night.
You know how much I love that opening line. (But it's not such a bad line when it's true.)
I probably should have titled it, It was a Dark and Story Night Wherein I Rescued My In-Laws!
Last night it was a dark and stormy night. There was much thundering and lightning and downpouring of rain. Insomuch that SUDDENLY a pole fell from it's upright position about 5 miles from our house and bonked a car on the head and left the road closed for 6 hours.
At the moment it fell my husband was almost home from picking up his parents from the airport and I was almost finished cutting glittery stars to string around the cultural hall for the ward Christmas party.
Things quickly deteriorated from ordinary and stressful to boring and stressful. Boring and stressful for my husband because he was trapped in a car with his parents on the other side of the pole. It wasn't long before boring and stressful turned to boring, famished and stressful.
But, as my MIL always says (and then does), "When you're in a pickle, ask the dummy."
I immediately dropped my scissors, wrapped an ice pack around my sore thumb, grabbed my red cape and a flashlight and stole an umbrella from Martha's front porch.
My trusty sidekick, twin son, also grabbed his flashlight and stole an umbrella from Martha's front porch.
Off we went to the rescue. Oh, the perilous journey, in which my husband advised me many times to never ye mind us, turn back while ye still have your sanity and your dry corduroy jeans.
But NO, onward we trudged, my twin son and myself, through the dark and frightening woods, along the dark and pounding ocean, letting our little lights so shine into the pouring rain. The rain fell in droves of droplets. Droves and droves of droplets. But we lent strength to each other and continued on.
Soon we came to a brick wall in which a stream of rushing water prevented us from completing our journey. We forged ahead in a new direction, climbing a steep incline and walking through a large and spacious field which slowly turned into a large and spacious lake. We clenched our stolen umbrellas and legally purchased flashlights as my dry corduroy jeans became damp corduroy jeans, except from the knees down where they were sopping wet corduroy jeans.
The lightening did pierce the sky exceedingly, and the thunder did pierce our eardrums exceedingly, insomuch that my twin son did waver and say "I want to go home now," but I did show exceeding bravery by saying "We're almost there" even though I did lie exceedingly because I knew not where we were and I did fear the likelihood of death by electricution was exceedingly high because of the electromagnetic genes passed on to me after my gigi was struck by lightening twice.
And I did become exceedingly weary of using exceedingly long sentences punctuated by the word exceedingly.
SUDDENLY we saw a wall in front of us. Was it a wall? No, it was a gate. But would the gate open, or would we have to turn back?
Yes, it would open and we would wedge our way through and we would come upon the parking lot where my husband and in-laws sat bored and famished and stressed.
And we did share our flashlights and stolen umbrellas with them and we did lead them safely back through the darkness and the wetness as they spoke all the while of the exceeding dangers of electrocution.
And we did successfully complete our rescue mission. And even though at the ward Christmas party it did appear as if I had been swapping DNA with a wet poodle, we did consume turkey until our bellys hurt and we did laugh until our sides ached (and I did aggravate my thumb injuries by clapping so profusely) at the Young Women doing synchronized swimming, and the Young Men doing Kung Fu theatre and the Relief Society sistahs doing Beyonce and Santa Clause wearing his Plumeria Pajamas.
And we did attempt to retreive our car and my in-laws luggage numerous times, but to no avail.
Finally at 11:37 I awoke my husband and we did successfully retrieve our car, but upon our return we did hide our faces in shame and public humiliation because our alarm clock was wagging it's tongue loudly and rudely at all the neighors.
It had slipped my husband's mind that he set the alarm for midnight so we could retreive our car. (Sorry Martha and Swirl.)
At midnight I finally turned into a pumpkin and got some sleep.
P.S. I'm not really here right now. I'm in Maui. (Nani nani boo boo. But I know you're not really here right now either. You're in church reading this post on your iphone. Am I right, or am I right? That's why I tried to sound scriptional for you so you wouldn't feel so bad about reading blogs on your iphone during church.
I hope they have wi-fi in Maui so I can post all my Maui photos and make you all exceedingly jealous that you're in church getting scriptional while I'm in Maui getting tan (as soon as the sky stops falling) and reading Miss Heidi's new book.
p.p.s. Funny Farmer wants to know how I can eat a whole bowl of cake batter and not gain at least 5 lbs. I hope this doesn't make you think less of me, but I meant to tell you in that last confessional that I actually did gain 5 lbs and I didn't really eat a bowl of cake batter. I haven't eaten a whole bowl of cake batter since I moved away from home after high school. (But if I had, it would have been yellow cake batter.)
I did eat the mints though, and my lower lip did burst into a flaming hot cold sore.