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Monday, December 29, 2008

My personal revelation and other depressing stories

Okay so remember when I said that the grass ain't always greener on the other side of the blizzard? And then I said it was greener, yes.  And warmer, yes.  And darker, yes.  And then I said that greener and warmer and darker have their disadvantages too, although I couldn't think of any at the time.  

Well I thought of one.  No internet for a week.  Which in BYU-H terms means two weeks.  

I KNOW, RIGHT! 

We live in university housing so we rely on the university for not only our bread and butter, but also for our cable and internet and hymn books.   When the lightening struck Hawaii last Friday night, destruction and chaos reigned throughout the land zapping 5 extremely costly internet switches on campus.  

Yes, Virginia, MY switch was zapped!

Not only does the university now have to ORDER new switches, they also have to earn the $$$ to pay for the new switches.   Gad only knows how long it will be before I can blog without make-up again.  

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking it's my own fault.  You're thinking Hawaii was struck by lightening because I broke a commandment and then I murmured publicly behind my MIL's back.  You're thinking that's what I get for wagging my tongue so rudely in the secret, private recesses of my diary!  

I'm afraid you might be right.  The sky did gnash it's teeth profusely, even so much that it did spew forth great thunderings and lightenings.  Even so much that droves and droves of droplets did pelt us continually for the space of at least an hour, whereupon I did tremble because of my iniquitous behavior. 

And now I do fear exceedingly lest I wag my tongue freely again even though John Mayer has told me to say what I need to say so many times I've considered punching him in the face if he tells me to say what I need to say one more time. 

And yet he couldn't be more right.  Sometimes you just have to say what you need to say.  Say what you need to say.  Say what you need to say.

Therein lies my dilemma.  

So anyway .  .  .  Can anyone spare a hug for a dummy?  

Now I have my IL's here without Brother Google and Sister Blog to shoulder the burden.  It's a good thing I'm now addicted to Rock Band because that's all I've got to keep me chilled.

I can probably blog without the internet.  It shouldn't be much of a problem. I mean I can think of all kinds of inconvenient and embarrassing ways to get my posts published.  And if they don't work I can always stick the ethernet cable in my ear and post via esp.  You know I've done it before, but I have to be living worthily, which I'm sooooo not right now.  I'm smashing commandments right and left, not to mention my New Year's resolutions.  

I guess I could always post all of my thoughts for the next two weeks right now and make you swear on the Holy Shakespearean Reader that you won't read ahead. 

Okay, first post: 

In answer to New England Alyson's question, "What DO you DO when you're blacked out for 24 hours with your ILs?" 

Well, Alyson, allow me to enlighten you.  Being blacked out with your IL's can be uber fun IF you have a crank radio.

Why?  Well, without saying TOO much of what I NEED to say, let me just say that spending 24 hours in the dark with your IL's without Rock Band or the internet can be a delicate matter. Nerves can be easily frayed.  Tensions can be easily mounted.  Some tongues can be held and other tongues cannot be held.  But I can summarize the experience in 2 words.  Kelly Pickler. 

Remember cute-as-a-button-sweet-as-peach-pie Kelly Pickler from American Idol?  It hit me that my MIL is a lot like Kelly Pickler.   If Kelly Pickler hollered YOOHOO to get your attention and had 76 years of family history to tell you, they'd practically be twins.   

So what do you do with Kelly Pickler in a 24 hour black-out crammed with 76 years of family history?  You crank the crank radio.  If you have a really good crank radio your hand automatically starts cranking as soon as your ear hears anything it's already heard before.  

So long post short, it's not that bad being blacked out for 24 hours with your IL's.   

Thank Gad for crank radios.  

But I must say I did have an epiphany during the blackout.  An insight.  A personal revelation, if you will.  There was a moment when I saw not just my life pass before my eyes, but my eternity. There was no power and no Rock Band and no internet and no spray whipped cream.  There wasn't even a crank radio.  There was just this forever long string of family history classes and Kelly Pickler was the teacher.  And suddenly I KNEW why all the Mormon mommies pretend to be crazy.  It's because they ARE crazy.  And they are crazy because they have the eternal perspective.  The knowledge that we have been given can be a burden as well as a blessing, huh ladies?  I hear you now!  I feeeeeeeel your pain.

What I don't get is why Gad would have us be good little angels for our whole entire life just so we can spend eternity duct taped together . . . you know.  It seems like it would be more of an incentive if we knew we could ditch our loved ones and then forever ROCK OUT or blog our brains out or spray ourselves silly with whip cream in a can.    

That's what SHE said, (but you didn't hear it from me.)  

(I do like to milk a joke for all it's worth, you gotta give me that.  Waste not, want not.) 

Okay, so one last thing before I go cold turkey.    What's uh, the dealio with all these M.E.N. who are starting to follow me?  Don't you guys know you gotta be a crazy bored mommy to read this blog? 

Unless you're in love with me.  If you're in love with me then you can stay and I'll send you Caramacs, but I gotta warn you, it won't be a pretty.  And there won't be a happy ending.   If you're gonna love me then you might as well know the stakes.  

Loving me is like a soft cozy blanket followed by a swift poke in the eye. 

As Gad as my witness, I will poke your eye out.  

I mean, I'm just saying.  

But if you want to stay . . . 

Your call.

53 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I can attest to the warm coziness before the poke in the eye. But I like having my eyes poked. I find it refreshing.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Ok, now I'm not only a bored, crazy, mormon mommy, but I also need to get on anti-depressants STAT! Thanks for letting me on the little secret of the holy hell of eternity. Duct taped to the family forever(including IL's)?! I'm feeling faint. I think I'd better put my head between my knees (that's what she said).

April said...

I think I hear the hallelujah chorus now! All in favor of ditching the IL's in the next life say "Aye". I won't. I'd rather ditch my folks....can we pick who we ditch?

I hear that if you say what you need to say...you should always end it with bless there heart! (That's what she said)

Jen said...

Okay, okay, I have to confess. I'm responsible for your latest m.a.n. follower. I kind of made him check out my blog, AND mormon mommies, because he's pretty darn hilarious in a very mormon-but-a-little-irreverant kind of way, and I thought he needed a little more appreciation.

Apparently he's found a kindred spirit in you! Then again, haven't we all?

And may your internet troubles be short and painless. (Then again, do CTD feel pain?)

Heidi Ashworth said...

So, what you're saying is not to expect any posts from you for two weeks? TWO WEEKS!?!?! Two weeks of you listening to family history classes taught by Kelly Pickler? I figure I can wait but how can we be sure you will come back the same? (You know--when Buffy didn't come back "the same" after being dead? Yeah, I thought I had better explain that one just in case. Alyson, I know, would get it--whom, I might add, is my real cousin from the Mayflower, not just my adopted one--but you could be a Buffy fan and then again, you might not.) On the other hand, if you don't come back the same, you just might come back better. The best things in life are worth waiting for.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Boy now I have another thing to greive about. I hate it when the internet goes out. And I know what you mean about the next life, I have wondered how I will survive without BYU football.
I miss my daily dose of laughter from you. Maybe we should all fast and why are we paying our tithing if BYU H can't afford switch thingies. Can we all pitch in and buy you a wireless internet card for your laptop. Maybe you should go back on vacation.
We really are living in troubles times.
What and now Heidi says you might not come back the same? AHHHH, stop the world I want to get off.
Heidi please don't scare me like that.

Seriously, so blessed! said...

Does your MIL work at Sonic? Bc Kelly did pre-idol. Or you could just put on some red high heels. GET IT?

GET IT!??!

Or just move into my neighborhood already and help me deal w/ Lynzii, Crash!!!!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey Nutty Hamster Chick,

I just came from your blog to tell you that I am Back. It was a false alarm. Either that or all of your fasting and praying and tithing dollars and general authority stalking worked. I'm back for good. Our internet has been restored back to health.

But I'm sorry about your tooth.

Alyson, you're welcome. hee hee And hee hee hee That was a great Michael impression. Way better than mine.

YaY Kristina P. for loving a good poke in the eye.

April, that is soooo true. I'm serious. My MIL taught me that. No joke.

And Jen I figured. Thanks girl. The more love the merrier. And the more pokes in the eye. What the world needs now is more pokes in the eye. That's what I said! hee hee

Hi Miss Heidi. I already wrote to you on your blog so I'll save my breath, except to say I'm back, but I don't think I'm better.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Just went on visited TAMN and she's inviting us to shoot her, literally.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGAD TaMN! Yes, I totally get it. I ROTFLOL to think of my MIL in red high hills. GET IT TAMN? HILLS. hee hee.

Maybe we could toilet paper Linzii's house. That would show her who's queen of the world.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Wait, what? Tamn's inviting us to shoot her? HUH?

Is that what SHE said?

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Hip hip hooray, lets kill the fatted calf. Funny Farmer will know how to do it. Let get her to do it.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Yes, let's get Funny Farmer to do it. If she every came around anymore we could ask her!!!!!!!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Hey check out my "Chasing Hope" post from a day or so ago. I am trying to get to 365 posts, so I am blogging my brains out and it might be burried beneath bike pictures and such. I know it is hard to come back from internet outerdarkness and try to catch up on everything.

April said...

Miracles still do happen! See, I watched Conference! Ok, I listened to most of Conference with my eyes closed. True story. Now I'm going to get struck by lightening...but in the next two weeks if you look really closely over southern Utah, you will see a glow! Check my blog later for details!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, I'll be looking for that glow. I'm sure I'll be able to see it because we're not very far away!

SWIRL said...

Yeah- Internet is back...
so glad to be back!

nevadanista said...

But John Mayer also said:

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me


Oh I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
Starting now, starting now...


Not to say that I don't want you to ever speak up again though. I really enjoy it when you do. But John Mayer regrets it sometimes when he says what needs to be said. But I do hope you keep saying it!

I'm very addicted to Rock Band too - I can't get enough of the drums on Black Hole Sun. I hate to have to let the kids have a turn on it!

Kritta22 said...

Tamn comments on your blog!!! YOu are like a superstar! I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy! (That's what she said!) LOL I crack myself up!

So my vision of up there, we get to have our own clouds and get to visit our families when we want to without guilt or whatever else. So if you wanna blog for all time and eternity, so be it. No guilt.

Oh the days to be lived.

Can you just buy the switch for the internet? I mean, they are like 4 dollars at Home Depot. I kid, I kid.

Come back to play.

PS I swear your quilt is in the mail tomorrow!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGAD, look at me up past 11pm blogging my brains out because I CAN!

Life is beautiful. (Someone should make a movie about that.)

Nevadanista, YOU ARE SO RIGHT! John Mayer has told me about his stupid mouth too, live and in concert. I can't believe he's a hypocrite. No, he's just like the rest of us. He's a conflicted genius, who loves his IL's but doesn't always know how to show it or say it because love doesn't make people laugh. People only laugh when you poke someone in the eye. Even the three stooges knew that.

Kritta, can you send me two quilts, one for winning Shelle's contest and one for my Obama story.

Don't you hate it when Obama is coming out of the bathroom and he stops to wave and pose for you, but you have your camera on self timer . . .

Such a dummmmmmmy!

OldBoatGuy said...

Hi, Crash. I'm glad you're back. I'm back too. It does'nt pay to be gone too long, there is so much to catch up on. So one must blogg one's brains out, or not.

Blogging Mama said...

Crazy Bored Momma here. I can't imagine being stick in the dark with the IL's.
I'm just counting the minutes until I get to drop kick my parents out the car door tomorrow morning.

CaJoh said...

I don't mind what others say so long as it doesn't effect them too much. Here's a statement I used in some of my letter writing:

Don't regret the words from your mouth
If they are good and just
For those words are from the heart
That is full of truth and trust.

Just let me know when I can take my glasses off to get my eye poked.

Annie Valentine said...

These are the posts of our lives. And why I read your blog. Fabuloso.

Barbaloot said...

Can I please, PLEASE be with you when you punch John Mayer. And maybe throw in a kick myself?

And also, I believe there will be spray cream in Heaven. So, maybe no Rock Band (unless it's used only for hymns....), but definitely spray cream.

T said...

I was so worried about what to do with myself for the next two weeks, but I see from the comments that I don't need to run to the store and stock up on spray whipped cream - phew!

Glad you did your insta-repentance and got the Internet restored... also REALLY glad I'm not a M.A.N. seeing as I'm sensing a little hostility!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I'm glad your come back was a lot smoother than Britany Spears comeback, because I was worried, like Heidi, that it wouldn't be the same.

Thank goodness SOMEONE decided to pay their tithing and make amends with all that needed to be made amends so that you could get the internet...we shall praise them in heaven.

BTW...I might have taken your name in vain on your brothers blog...forgive me...and I mentioned that you have started me swearing on my blog...just thought I should give you a heads up...

Because BLOG BLOOD is thicker than Blog water...

LOL...totally laughing at TAMN and the hills or heels or whatever, because she needs a good laugh right now from her HORRIBLE weekend and wedding thing!!! :)

And just to make a point because I can and should be heeded...MEN that are Stay at home MOM's or just men in general are and can be CRAZY and BORED...even if that means they get paid for it!

Gotta run!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

HAHHAHAHA-you guys can't catch a break. It's not that funny but ya know :)Duct tape...ahahahahahahahahah

Haynsy said...

Now I'm reduced to being a M.E.N.

Around my house I'm revered as a God, at least I was until my boys found out I was cheating on Nintendo. and my daughter discovered her voice (she learned to mouth off in front of me).

But the grandkids worship me, as long as I have money for Slurpees.

Seriously, you crack me up, it's not love, I can't handle the affection.

Funny Farmer said...

I figured if my BBFF wasn't online, what's the point? It is so much easier to stay away entirely than to check every day only to be bitterly and crushingly disappointed.

So happy that you're back to BYBO. (Interpret that however you'd like.)

:waves madly:

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Welcome Back OBG. I missed you. Everyone go look at OBG's blizzard photos. Maybe the grass is greener on the other side of the blizzard. Where the heck is Lisa, btw.

Blogging Mama, hee hee drop kick . . . we are two peas in a pod.

Cajoh, take off your glasses, cause here comes your poke. You're far too wise and kind for this blog. And are you even bored or crazy? I doubt it.

Annie, I tried to comment on your SHAPE post last night but it wouldn't work. Everyone go order SHAPE magazine and start exercising. I did some yoga this morning just from reading your post last night Annie! Thanks.

Barb, you silly goose. I'm not really going to punch John Mayer in the face. He's given me too much good advice (kinda like Cajoh) We could poke him in the eye together.

Hee hee T. You're not only glamorous, but so funny.

SHELLE! I can't believe you took my name in vain on my brother's blog. I'm going to have to go hunt that down and erase it. Am I going to have to start insta-repenting for my friends too?

Blog blood. HA HA HA HA. You're good, girlfriend.

Emily, hee hee. You know you know I know you know what I'm talking about. Don't tell me you haven't felt a little depressed yourself when you've thought about the duct tape. At least we'll have each other to poke all our loved ones in the eye because blood blood is even thicker than blog blood. Maybe we can blog about it up there, although I probably won't make it so I'll be blogging about Rock Band in H.E. double toothpicks and you can blog about family history. Nani Nani Boo Boo

Haynsey, PHEW, I'm so glad you can't take the affection, cause I can't either. Can I still give you a swift kick every now and then?

Have a nice day everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh There's my BBFF. I'm so glad she's finally back! Better late than never BBFF! We've been waiting for you!

Melanie J said...

Come on, now. This is karma totally coming to get you and you've brought it down on the whole island. Confess, Dummy. What did you do to deserve this kind of payback?

Tiffany said...

I am pretty sure that we get to be with just our man for eternity and visit the others if we want. If I had to be with my for all eternity IL's I would definitely stop trying and aim for terrestrial. I am pretty sure that they, the in law's are not gonna make it to the highest kingdom anyways so I am good. And now I am not gonna get celestial because I am judging so my eternity is looking fine.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hee hee. I already confessed MELANIE, so THERE! Don't try to pin me wriggling to the wall, girlfriend.

And TEE HEE Tiffany! I'm glad you figured out your own salvation in a nutshell comment box. But thanks for the uplift.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

yes FF now you can kill the fatted calf and we can party like its 1999.

Anjeny said...

Hey Crash,
First off, I had to do a lot of shoving and pushing to get into your comment box. It's filled to overflowing of bored blogging mommies, ahem and M.E.N. waiting to get a glimpse AND a poke in the eye to make sure THE dummy is back for REAL.
Second, I could I say I miss you like crazy but that would be too repetitious so I'm not going to say it although you do know that I know that you know I MISS you, right? Like dum dum crazy.
I love the post, was trying to say something insightful but can't think anything along that line yet so all I can say is.....you should have drown the ILs on Maui, you know? Better yet, you should poke your hubby in the eye for loving him too much to actually agreed to having your ILs for that amount of time. I am having sympathy pains or is it raving madness pain just reading about being stuck with your ILs.
Lastly, I am glad you have finally confessed to all the wrongs (LOL) you've done to bring this buckets and buckets of rain and the black out on the island. Who would have thought a dummy could be so much trouble? Ahahahah!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness.

Anjeny, you totally need some Caramacs for that hilarious comment. It made me ROTFLOL.

Can I just say I missed you toooooooooo! Where or where have you been?

Anjeny said...

Hooohooo...I have earned me some caramacs..lol. I am glad you miss me tooooo Crash. Because of this school break, our computers have been tied up with all the kids at home. I have practically wait til they are in bed to actually get a chance at the computer and of course by then I'm too tired to stay awake. It is really good to see you back and still in ur funny self. Keep posting, I am still reading ya even if I don't comment.
Oh btw, did you ever get your blanket you won? It would have been a great thing to have when you rolled up fetus style and of course a great tool to keep your MIL's voice out.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I have to reach across you Crash and give Tiffany a HIGH FIVE...that comment was HILARIOUS and had to jump over here just to say that! :)

Jami said...

A little late to the game--as always. Sorry. ANYHOO, it is nice to have you back!

So were you supposed to go to Nineva and you went to Maui instead? Was a large fish involved in this story? It's sounding familiar.

April said...

I must say Crash...I'm blushing right now! You are far too kind! I think you are losing your mind from spending far too much time with the IL's (bless your heart)!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

April, at least I'm not stupid.

hee hee

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Jami, I'm shocked. You're calling me a tall tale teller? How RUDE!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

How come you didn't post today? Or did you just and I haven't checked yet. I better go look.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey, you nutty hamster chick. Just because you're posting at super sonic speed every thirty minutes doesn't mean I'm drinking Mountain Dew too!

I'M WORKING ON IT, GIRLFRIEND!

Maybe you need your ILs to come live with you for 42 days so you can learn some patience.

hee hee How'd you like that poke in the eye? Okay, you've had your share of patience practice this year, I'll give you that!

My daughter had a soccer game so I'm running behind schedule.

And hey isn't it cool that I have 46 comments. I would only have 13 if I hadn't been sitting here all day talking to myself.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey, you nutty hamster chick. Just because you're posting at super sonic speed every thirty minutes doesn't mean I'm drinking Mountain Dew too!

I'M WORKING ON IT, GIRLFRIEND!

Maybe you need your ILs to come live with you for 42 days so you can learn some patience.

hee hee How'd you like that poke in the eye? Okay, you've had your share of patience practice this year, I'll give you that!

My daughter had a soccer game so I'm running behind schedule.

And hey isn't it cool that I have 46 comments. I would only have 13 if I hadn't been sitting here all day talking to myself.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

oops. I'm nearly at 50 now. Someone help me out here.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I loved that poke in the eye, but my glasses deflected it. So the poke almost went in my opened screaming mouth and then I might have biten you. he he he
Ok go ahead and be a supportive mother. And you know my posts are really anything special they are just me trying to obtain the impossible dream. Just 4 posts to go and then you probably won't hear from me for a long time, k

The Crash Test Dummy said...

And that makes and even 50. Only 50 to go to make 100. ;)

Damaris said...

Yesterday I was in the middle of a comment here and my baby woke up after a 30 minute nap (NOT OKAY) so I spent the next hour trying to put her back to sleep with her screaming in my ear. Naturally, I forgot to come back.
I was going to tell you to come use the internet at my house, because there's no way we could go without posts, but then you got your internet. I actually purposely caused the lightning to blow out the servers so that you would have to come over, but I guess BYU is too fast, even for Hawaiian time.

Mariko said...

Oops, that was Mariko, Not Damaris.

April said...

Crash...you may be a dummy, but you definitely are NOT stupid! :)
And I have no rash to prove it!!!