Okay so remember when I said that the grass ain't always greener on the other side of the blizzard? And then I said it was greener, yes. And warmer, yes. And darker, yes. And then I said that greener and warmer and darker have their disadvantages too, although I couldn't think of any at the time.
Well I thought of one. No internet for a week. Which in BYU-H terms means two weeks.
I KNOW, RIGHT!
We live in university housing so we rely on the university for not only our bread and butter, but also for our cable and internet and hymn books. When the lightening struck Hawaii last Friday night, destruction and chaos reigned throughout the land zapping 5 extremely costly internet switches on campus.
Yes, Virginia, MY switch was zapped!
Not only does the university now have to ORDER new switches, they also have to earn the $$$ to pay for the new switches. Gad only knows how long it will be before I can blog without make-up again.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's my own fault. You're thinking Hawaii was struck by lightening because I broke a commandment and then I murmured publicly behind my MIL's back. You're thinking that's what I get for wagging my tongue so rudely in the secret, private recesses of my diary!
I'm afraid you might be right. The sky did gnash it's teeth profusely, even so much that it did spew forth great thunderings and lightenings. Even so much that droves and droves of droplets did pelt us continually for the space of at least an hour, whereupon I did tremble because of my iniquitous behavior.
And now I do fear exceedingly lest I wag my tongue freely again even though John Mayer has told me to say what I need to say so many times I've considered punching him in the face if he tells me to say what I need to say one more time.
And yet he couldn't be more right. Sometimes you just have to say what you need to say. Say what you need to say. Say what you need to say.
Therein lies my dilemma.
So anyway . . . Can anyone spare a hug for a dummy?
Now I have my IL's here without Brother Google and Sister Blog to shoulder the burden. It's a good thing I'm now addicted to Rock Band because that's all I've got to keep me chilled.
I can probably blog without the internet. It shouldn't be much of a problem. I mean I can think of all kinds of inconvenient and embarrassing ways to get my posts published. And if they don't work I can always stick the ethernet cable in my ear and post via esp. You know I've done it before, but I have to be living worthily, which I'm sooooo not right now. I'm smashing commandments right and left, not to mention my New Year's resolutions.
I guess I could always post all of my thoughts for the next two weeks right now and make you swear on the Holy Shakespearean Reader that you won't read ahead.
Okay, first post:
In answer to New England Alyson's question, "What DO you DO when you're blacked out for 24 hours with your ILs?"
Well, Alyson, allow me to enlighten you. Being blacked out with your IL's can be uber fun IF you have a crank radio.
Why? Well, without saying TOO much of what I NEED to say, let me just say that spending 24 hours in the dark with your IL's without Rock Band or the internet can be a delicate matter. Nerves can be easily frayed. Tensions can be easily mounted. Some tongues can be held and other tongues cannot be held. But I can summarize the experience in 2 words. Kelly Pickler.
Remember cute-as-a-button-sweet-as-peach-pie Kelly Pickler from American Idol? It hit me that my MIL is a lot like Kelly Pickler. If Kelly Pickler hollered YOOHOO to get your attention and had 76 years of family history to tell you, they'd practically be twins.
So what do you do with Kelly Pickler in a 24 hour black-out crammed with 76 years of family history? You crank the crank radio. If you have a really good crank radio your hand automatically starts cranking as soon as your ear hears anything it's already heard before.
So long post short, it's not that bad being blacked out for 24 hours with your IL's.
Thank Gad for crank radios.
But I must say I did have an epiphany during the blackout. An insight. A personal revelation, if you will. There was a moment when I saw not just my life pass before my eyes, but my eternity. There was no power and no Rock Band and no internet and no spray whipped cream. There wasn't even a crank radio. There was just this forever long string of family history classes and Kelly Pickler was the teacher. And suddenly I KNEW why all the Mormon mommies pretend to be crazy. It's because they ARE crazy. And they are crazy because they have the eternal perspective. The knowledge that we have been given can be a burden as well as a blessing, huh ladies? I hear you now! I feeeeeeeel your pain.
What I don't get is why Gad would have us be good little angels for our whole entire life just so we can spend eternity duct taped together . . . you know. It seems like it would be more of an incentive if we knew we could ditch our loved ones and then forever ROCK OUT or blog our brains out or spray ourselves silly with whip cream in a can.
That's what SHE said, (but you didn't hear it from me.)
(I do like to milk a joke for all it's worth, you gotta give me that. Waste not, want not.)
Okay, so one last thing before I go cold turkey. What's uh, the dealio with all these M.E.N. who are starting to follow me? Don't you guys know you gotta be a crazy bored mommy to read this blog?
Unless you're in love with me. If you're in love with me then you can stay and I'll send you Caramacs, but I gotta warn you, it won't be a pretty. And there won't be a happy ending. If you're gonna love me then you might as well know the stakes.
Loving me is like a soft cozy blanket followed by a swift poke in the eye.
As Gad as my witness, I will poke your eye out.
I mean, I'm just saying.
But if you want to stay . . .