Sunday, December 28, 2008

Are you sitting down???


I'm back! I'm back!  I'm back!  

Did you miss me? 

Did you notice I was MIA?

I missed all my peeps so much!

Remember how I said the grass ain't always greener on the other side of the blizzard? And then I said that's it's greener, yes. And warmer, yes. 

Well, I forgot to mention that it's also darker.  At least it was darker on the night the lights went out in Hawaii.

No power for 24 hours! And still no internet. In fact I'm sitting in my car in a parking lot at BYU-H just so I can mooch off the Wi-FI. 

I probably shouldn't admit to that, huh? 

Does that make me look desperate?  

But 3 days without BlOGGING! That's just too long for one dummy to hold her breath, don't you think?

I have sooooooooo much to tell you, but I can't tell you all of it now while I'm sitting here in the parking lot. I need space and privacy to spill my black out stories.


Watch out because it will make you green with envy and there's nothing I love more than making you green with envy!  Especially Mariko, my daughter's hoity toity English teacher, and Liz @ She's got fluid, and Colleen, my blog envy friend who just discovered my secret blog (thanks to big mouth Mariko). But now I'm so glad she discovered it because she is going to freakin' freak out when she reads this.  

Are you sitting down? Are you totally sitting down?

Three words . . . OH MY OBAMA SIGHTING! 

Or was that 4 words?

Yes, I saw him.  I saw the first freakin' black freakin' president of the freakin' YOUNITED states of America.  

Is it bad that I keep saying freakin?  I don't think my mom would approve.  

But who FREAKIN' cares!  I saw the first black president!  And even better, he was coming out of the bathroom.  

I mean, what are the odds?  I didn't even know black presidents went to the bathroom.  Did you?  Have you ever even thought about it?  

Neither have I.  

So, here's the scoop:

It was a beautiful, bright sunny morning.  We were at Turtle Bay, just about to walk up the sidewalk to the foyer, when SUDDENLY! a security guard stopped us and told us no one would be allowed to enter the hotel from the front for twenty minutes.  

As nature would have it, at that very moment Barack Obama SUDDENLY! decided he had to go to the bathroom.  

I didn't know any of this at the time because I was walking up the sidewalk minding my own business.  

SUDDENLY! a caravan of 50+ police cars and vans and security pulled up beside me.  And YES, out pops the man himself.  

Do you believe me, Funny Farmer?  Huh?  Huh?  Huh?  

If you don't believe me the proof is in the pudding.    

But WARNING: It's the worst pudding ever because when I get excited I lose all sensibility whatsoever.  By some stroke of outrageous bad luck, my camera battery was DEAD! Yes!  DEAD!  I had to pull the battery out and wack it upside the head in between shots.  I was able to wack enough juice into it to get 4 measly photos.  They're pretty awful, but they're pudding enough.  

He's the one in the white hat, and Michelle is the super hot first lady is the tank top.  Did you know first ladies wore tank tops?  

Me neither.

He's much thinner in person.  

Okay, so the story gets better. And worse! Way worse. 

I totally darted around the building and cruised through the back door while my husband and ILs were worried about the buffet. Who can think about food at a time like this, right?  That's what she said. 

So I cruise into the foyer just in time to see Obama sauntering into the bathroom. Seriously, he sauntered.  So I wait for him to come out. And while I'm waiting security totally pats me down with a metal detector. But they finish just in the nick of time for me to see Obama come out of the bathroom tucking his shirt in. 

I get my camera in ready aim fire position and BAM, nothing. I'm pushing down on the button thingie so hard. Over and over I push. I push. I push.

Nothing.  NADA!

Obama is walking closer and closer and closer.  


He sees the struggle on my face and he stops. He turns and poses for me. He waves a cool cat wave. He tries to stall, but . . . NOTHING!

I'm 15 feet away from him and NOTHING! I can't get a shot off. 

By this time I'm sweating like a pig.

Finally, just as he ducks out of sight, the flash goes off.

I get my shot! 

Here's my shot!

Then I got this horrible shot of Michelle. She goes to the bathroom too, if you can believe that!

And here, my friends, is the bathroom the first black president of the USA visited right before my very eyes.

You saw it here first.

I think you guys should start a fund to send me around the world to photograph famous people and naked people and bathrooms of famous naked people. 

That is totally my dream job.   

Who's in, raise your hand.

Okay, so I'm totally embarrassed right now because people I know are walking by my car and I'm sitting in here blogging my brains out like a junkie!  



Kristina P. said...

I had no idea that they went to the bathroom too! I'm pretty sure that will be in the "Just Like Us" section of Us Weekly, showing celebrities doing stuff like pumping their own gas. Can you imagine!?!?!?

P.S. I did miss my dummy.

Barbaloot said...

First off---I'm tremendously sorry that your battery didn't work. That must have been frustrating.
Second off---can you imagine how much fun it would not be to have a 50+ entourage with you for forever?
Third---welcome back!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

You extremely lucky girl!! That it is so cool! That is so rad! My daughter will be so jealous when I tell her since she envisions him as her pal. I guess that makes up for the 24 hours sans electricity. But wait...what would 24 hours without electricity be like sitting around with the MIL? Gives me the shivers. Seriously, WHAT DID YOU DO? If the in-laws remain injury-less than you deserve sainthood.

Meanwhile, we got to 65 degrees in the northeast. Loved it and hated it. Loved it because we took advantage of wonderful weather and went into NYC. I mean, how many chances do you get to see Christmas lights in the city when it's 65 degrees?! Definitely worth the ditching of church. :-0 But I was sad because now the snow is gone. I miss it already.

I will hope and pray that your internet returns shortly so you don't have to steal wi-fi from the church while hiding in your shame in your car.

If you see Barack again, say "what's up" for me. He'll know what you mean.

Jillybean said...

First of all, I've been to that buffet, and I'm pretty sure I would be concerned about the food.

I honestly thought that when someone reaches celebrity status that they no longer need to go to the bathroom. Don't they have someone to do that stuff for them?

April said...

OMG!!! I have met someone who has worse luck than me! This is unbelievable...yet believable! I can picture you now sitting like a stalker/lurker in the parking lot...all for us!!! You are awesome!!!

You should have asked President Elect Obama for one of the four generators he had at his condo. I heard he turned one away. I here he's cool like that.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Who cares about Obama? Obama who? (And I think it is suspicious that his shirt in the far off shots is white and in the close up of his sleeve it's got a blue print but wahtev) All I care about is that you are SAFE and SOUND! I mean, hey, I haunted my computer for your posts, I emailed you (YES) and nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. (shades of McMillan and Wife). So, now I can say PHEW and life can get back to normal. Please don't pull a Jami on us and make us think you are back when you really aren't. 'Nuff said.

Jen said...

I heard the First Fam was in your territory, and I heard they went without power - but I NEVER DREAMED they were suffering with our own dummy!

And for a not-working camera, you got some pretty decent shots. I totally support your new career. Just think what you could do with good equipment!

Sandi said...

This reminds me of when I went to a Lionel Richie concert with my friend Joan. (Yes I know this dates me) She leaned over in the middle of the concert and whispers in awe," He poops too!" like she just couldn't believe it. haha.Thanks for the story, thanks for the pics...Thanks for stealing from BYU- they kind of owe you, since they gave you and your hubby such a lame Christmas "bonus".

Melanie J said...

I was just about to ask you if you'd been hanging out with the president, and you totally have! So cool.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

That is impressive you go for that kind of thing. I mostly just stalk BYU football players and Gneral Authorites. Boring stuff liek that. My favorite shot was of the bathroom. he he he he

And I did miss you seeing as how i am no longer laptopless and can keep constant watch for new posts, and yet I am still number 10 to post. oH WELL

Blogging Mama said...

That is definitely cool. I'd be freaking out too!

Kris said...

Welcome back! I thought that for sure you were booked for "MILicide".

Congrats on stalking Obabma, I just wish you had a pic of him picking his nose. Now that would be worth millions.

BYU has wi-fi for staff and students, so I don't think you can call yourself a crook.

Word verify - nonos

Jami said...

First off, my verification word is deree which is either telling me my degree is missing something or my rear end is.

In other news, WOW! O and M in YOUR buffet/lobbyish place?!?!? Wow.

Not to brag or anything, but once I was in the restroom with Marie Osmond while she washed her toddler's hands. It's true. But I didn't have a camera, so now I only have my fuzzy memories to keep me company in my old age.

I am so glad you are doing OK. I thought my head would explode when I was suddenly cut off without my blog life.

I missed you so much that I checked for you at 3:30 when the cat woke me up. That's dedication. (Addiction, whatever.)

Amanda said...

Whoa, such an exciting weekend. What an awesome job snagging pics considering the equipment issues you had.

I'm going to have to agree with the image of you being a junkie...but I am glad for your addiction, it keeps me entertained. The sacrifices you make for all of us, such dedication!

Amanda said...

I forgot to mention that Swirl is going to start with withdrawal shakes soon since Brian is taking the laptop back to your back, she may try to snake your machine from you. If a fight breaks out call Martha to take pcitures, please :)

Eric-n-Ali said...

Crash, that is FREAKIN cool! You need to send me the actual digital image so that I can ensure they haven't been touched up! Most importantly the bathroom shot.

It is amazing to have a black president! I'm glad to see it happen. Curious to see where racism goes from here, and he had better not get knocked off in office. That would be crushing on so many levels!

Glad to have you back, and glad to be back myself! Merry Christmas and Happy New Years! Post a Happy Birthday to your Dummy husband on your family blog so I can comment a birthday wish! :)

CaJoh said...

Welcome back. I guess we've all been away for one reason or another.

I thought that only Jackie O had that privilege of people not thinking she went to the bathroom.

Have a great New Year.

Funny Farmer said...

Oh, now the parking lot comment makes sense. Hee hee. Glad you are back and apparently still insane. I missed you!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay so I'm back also...but not because my internet was out...

and your post is the first that I read today that made me LOL...I honestly was at my computer and heard myself LAUGH! It was crazy! I'll pay up, because Christmas is over and I can afford you take credit cards?

Anyway...I cannot believe your camera didn't work...I LOVED that OBAMA posed for you...hahahaha...and you still couldn't get the shot...I'm sorry that I'm laughing at your blight, but it's definitely a Blogging your FUNNIEST HOME EXPERIENCES (A spin off of America's Funniest Home Videos--another business venture we might want to roll with)

Anyway...I also love that you were in the parking lot stealing ARE most definitely a rebel without a cause...not just because of the not eating at CHUCK-A-RAMA which is one of MY personal judgements upon people...but because you STEAL internet from BYU-H...which I pay with through my virtually you are stealing from me.

Which is only acceptable in the sight of me because your power was OUT!!! Which I feel bad about...

Love ya!


Which definitely means Sissy in Antartican...and let me just say that I am FINALLY offended by you VERIFIER because I MAY be a COWARD, but I am definitely NOT a SESSE...*huf*


Excuse my Tourettes syndrome language up there, but I just can't seem to help myself sometimes!

nevadanista said...

NO WAY!!! You can whack a battery back to life to get a few more shots??? Thanks for the info!

I had NO IDEA the Obamas used the restroom either (notice I didn't say go to the bathroom, because I still don't believe they actually do that). Congrats on your sighting, and especially on sneaking around to the back door. I feel a kindred spirit in you :) Yeah, how can anyone think of food at such an opportune time? It's just amazing how uninspired boring some people can be!!!

Mariko said...

Your friend told me this story last night, after which we argued about who we think you voted for.
I guess presidents are peeps 2.

T said...

I once caught Santa coming out of the Bathroom at the local buffet - what? You're not impressed? Whatever, the kids thought it was A-Maze-Ing that even Chris Kringle needs to use the loo!
Glad the Y could provide the WiFi for you!

word verify "latameth"... that might explain a lot...

Stephen said...

That is totally funny. I am going to consider Obama half black/half white until he does something dumb or something I don't agree with, and then I will consider him black. JK. You know what I am talking about, like when your kid does something awesome he is your kid, but when he screws up he's your husbands.

iMaLLheaRt said...

You wanna hear something cool about Obama and his entourage? My husband's uncle is one of his people! So he gets to hang out and be security for President Obama! and bummer about your camera!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Aloha Everyone! I apologize that I can't be as interactive as I usually am. But thanks for cracking me up. I needed some good cheer today.

Thanks for the glad tidings and warm welcomes.

I guess if I can't make you green with envy over my Obama sitings I'll have to use my trapped with the IL's without power or internet stories to make you wish you were me.

And btw, I totally forgot the punchline to that post because I was in such a rush and so self conscious about sitting in the parking lot blogging.

I did have a fresh battery, which I exchanged for the dead one on my way into Turtle Bay. But how stupid am I? I had my camera accidentally set to self timer while Obama was waving at me and stalling so I could get a good shot off.

What a DUMMY!

Alyson, I wish I were you! There's nothing like the Christmas lights in NYC @ 65 degrees. You are sooooo lucky! And I miss the snow too!

Heidi, I promise I won't pull a Jami, even though I am pulling a Jami. At least I have a parking lot to go to if I get really desperado. Thanks for emailing me. I will email you back ASAP.

Amen Sandi.

NHC, maybe I can get some shots of Generals Authorities coming out of the bathroom. Would that make you happy? Was that blasphemous? I wish I had your bravery. It would totally be fun to go Christmas stalking with you.

Kris, hee hee good one. And true that. See Shelle, I'm not stealing your tithing money.

I do have an office, peeps, which I could have gone to if I had updated my key so I could actually get into my office. Every semester we have to reconfigure.

Wow Jami, Marie Osmond! And wow, that is dedication. How nice to think someone was missing me at 3:30 am. I missed you that way too. Ask everyone. They'll tell you. Now I totally relate to you for what you went through.

Amanda, as long as my addiction keeps you entertained then I won't consider it unhealthy. hee hee. And yes, Swirl is going to be in rehab with me for the next few weeks it appears.

Eric and Ali I'm so glad you're back. I've missed you!

And Funny Farmer is missed you too. And LURVE YOU!

And SHELLE! OMGad. You totally STOLE my line. I was totally going to use that GAD Tamnit sometime soon. We are so twins. I was laughing so hard when you said that. And I totally wanted you to start your contest up again so I could win another quilt with my don't you hate it when Obama poses for you and you've got your camera on self timer story! Your whole comment cracked me up, as usual.

Hee Hee Nevadanista, HIGH FIVE, girlfriend.

Mariko! You silly goose. Is that why Colleen called me last night while I was playing Scene It with my kids? Don't you girls know I don't tell my friends who I vote for. I don't even tell my kids. And don't you know I'm a bannana republicrate who didn't even vote. I mean, I voted for either Bush or Kerry, can't remember which.

I'm ambidextrous and ambiguous and ambivalent when it comes to politics and my lips are zipped on who I voted for.

T are you saying I'm a bloggie junkie AND a real junkie?

Stephen, I totally know what you mean.

And Carol, sooooo coool. I probably didn't get a photo of him either.

Annie Valentine said...

Hey, is that my bald husband wearing the sunglasses?

Eliza said...

You're so cool. I'm not worthy!

Youngblood4ever said...

I don't think I ever wanted to think about someone else going to the bathroom... but hey, I guess everyone has a nature-call sometime.

BTW- THANKS for becoming a follower of my bloggie. You are super cool and now my wildest dream has come true because I have your little pic on my sidebar! YEAH!

canubble- is that close to cannuddle? I'm probable not spelling that right, but I don't really care. I'm not the English teacher here!