Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Secret to My Brilliant Ideas!

The best thing about vacationing is chilling out.  

When you start to chill you start to feel.  And when you start to feel you start to spill.  Your guts.  About all the things you feel as you chill.   Like love.  And gratitude.  And nudity. 

I'm feeling the love and gratitude big time--for my kids, my husband, my IL's, my M, my siblings, my neighbors, my friends, romans, countrymen . . . AND for all my blogging buddies.   

LY everyone!

The only thing I'm not feeling yet is the Christmas spirit, so I'm going to lay here and drain my brain until I feel like getting up and shopping.

As your brain drains you have a lot of empty space to fill with brilliant ideas.  I can't tell you how many brilliant ideas I've had since I've been overdosing on sleep and television and squeaky French string beans.  

The first brilliant idea came to me at 8:20 a.m.  I was just laying in bed sleeping and thinking about sleeping and dreaming about sleeping.  My whole life seemed to be surrounded by sleeping.  It was like I was consumed with it.  I was captivated by it.  I was completely compelled to sleep.  That's when it hit me.  How good I am it it.  It's my gift.  And it's my responsibility to share my gift to help all the exhausted women in the world.  I know you are all sleep deprived and fatigued.  Let me help you.  Let me sleep for you.  Tell me how many hours you need and give me your credit card number and I am so there for you.  
I can eat for you too.  Not to brag, but I am a skilled calorie consumer.  Tell me what you want me to eat and I will eat it.    

And if you're cold or snowed in or weathering a harsh storm, I can get some sun for you.  There is no sense in me hogging all the sun and the sleep and the mango cheesecake.  There's enough to go around the whole bloggernacle twice and back. 

Seriously, for only $9.95 a month, I will do anything for my friends.  And if you call within the next 30 minutes I'll throw in a free book light.

I got that idea from an infomercial for shoe skirts.  (Have you ever seen a shoe skirt?  It's a shoe rack and a bedskirt combined.  I kid you NOT!  How stupid/smart is that?  I wonder if the stupid smart girl has one.)  

I've gotten some rather brilliant ideas from t.v. over the past few days.  Did you know there is a show called Extreme Logging.   YAWN!  Who cares about extreme logging.  

But Extreme Blogging . . . now there's a reality show with a lot of potential, don't you think? Real women blogging their brains out.   Kristina P., our favorite comment whore, could be the sassy host.  Funny Farmer could do the Blog Management for Dummies spot.  Then every Labor Day we could do a Blogathon to raise money for Nie Nie.   We could play Rocky music while we train, but instead of drinking raw eggs we could drink raw cake batter since it's basically raw eggs anyway. We could get sponsers--$1 for every post and 10 cents for every comment.  

Wow!  So much empty space in my head right now, it's scary.  

Guess what fills my head when it's empty, besides brilliant ideas.  Nudity. 

Weird, huh?  I'm suddenly apparel-aware.  I realize I have apparel issues.  When you're on vacation in Maui you become acutely aware of your inter-apparel biases and proclivities.   I may not be guilty of PDN (public display of nudity) or PN (partial nudity) but I am an OA offender.  OA = over apparel.  I wear too much.  Think about it.   OA can be as awkward in public as PN and PDN. 

Maybe, to be fair (and politically correct), I should change my t-shirt line from Stupid Party Naked Shirts to Stupid Party Partially Naked Shirts and then create another line called Stupid Party Fully Clothed Shirts.  (You'll have to read the last post to get that.)  

"Shower Fully Clothed" and "Boogie Board Fully Clothed" could be big sellers. 

And for those of you who want to know if I covered my boys eyes when we happened upon the nude beach . . . of course not!  They didn't even notice the nudies.   They were down here looking for crabs.  

I had to scream and shout "HEY GUYS!  COME'ERE!  Come and look at all these naked people!"  

They were like, "ewww, gross, that's nasty!"  

I had to keep telling them over and over that nudity is natural (and funny).  

Then today when one son got steaming mad because another son pantsed him in the pool in front of a bunch of ladies, I said "That is NOT appropriate!"  The other two sons, who weren't steaming mad said "I thought you said it was NATURAL! (AND FUNNY). 

That's my boys!

P.S. You guys have to check out my cousin Sewl's funny entry in Shelle's Don't You Hate It When contest. It's way funnier than Ovaltine, I promise.


Jen said...

I think I'm the first comment-maker two posts in a row. I hope Kristina P. doesn't feel too threatened. (How does she DO that???)

And I think the cake batter idea rocks. Who doesn't love cake batter? Especially yellow...

And maybe you should get some sleep for me, because I tend to deprive myself in that area. But only if it's free, because I went Christmas shopping today, and while I was shopping something happened to all my money. Isn't that tragic?

Lilly's Life said...

Oh my you are hilarious. Loved this post. I will be back to read some more.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Thanks Crash!! I totally wouldn't mind if you sent me that quilt either because mine is soooooo sooooo funnny :)
Totally kidding but thanks for the shout out!

Funny Farmer said...

I wanna hear how natural and funny nudity is when your son de-pantses YOU. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!


So I have decided I need a vacation... cuz I am definitely not chillin' while I am freezing to death here in the blizzard!

That MUST be why I have no blogging motivation. Help!

Barbaloot said...

Wow-can I just tell you how touched I am that you are willing to sleep and eat for me! If that doesn't get you in the Christmas spirit, I don't know what will!

Heidi Ashworth said...

I'll take some of that sun and tons of sleep--I don't like cheesecake but please eat a lot of chocolate covered macademia nuts for me--I'll email you my credit card number but if you get that message that says "invalid" or whatever it is that makes alarms ring and police men appear, just ignore. Thanks!

Kristina P. said...

Jen, I might have to come after you and just comment barf all over your blog.

And I would love to be the sassy host. If I could talk about nudity as much as you do. It might be tough, but I think I could manage.

Melanie J said...

...Trying so hard not to make an inappropriate joke about crabs...

Funny Farmer said...

Hee hee Melanie! You nasty girl, you! hahahahahahahahahaha!

Of course only a prudish Mormon would equate nudists with irresponsible sex. Ahem.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Sewl's entry was TOTALLY funny...that girl needs a vacay, so sad that her cousin didn't invite her on the Maui trip...

Sewl...I would have totally invited you on MY maui trip if I was a BYU Hawaii Professor living in Hawaii and Vacay-ing on Maui...

But everyone always said I was the nice twin.

I'm glad you son's appreciate the crabs and not he nudity...

Oh wait...that sentence right there is just asking for I won't even go there.

I'm glad you are sleeping a lot and coming up with money making ideas and skeems...I was always the one that followed in your foot I would actually pay you to sleep for me...

I was just telling my husband the other night that I wish I didn't have to sleep because there is SO much I need to get done in a day!

Verifier-ENERATED--Every Nude Exceptions did you rate them on scales from 1-10...10 being most okay with being nude and 1 being there is NO exception for them being nude!

April said... do know how to get our imaginations going!!! I like you ALOT! hehehehe!!!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

You all are making me smile and that is a very very good thing. Crash you are such a giver offering to help us all out. I think that I have about a hundred hour sleep debt. So get right on that OK?

I expect to hear the ZZZZs coming from across the ocean.

Jami said...

Sweetie, would you eat raw kale and parsley for me? For only $ 9.95/month? And sleep 24 hours straight? You are SO good to me.

The only time I was in Hawaii, there was a cold front that had the residents wearing parkas (literally). You could tell the tourists because they were the idiots in bikinis. I wore a wetsuit, because I enjoy wearing too much clothing. (And I was getting over a cold.)

T said...

Extreme Blogging - might not be such a bad idea... I'm a big offender on the Over-Dressed List... but hey, it's COLD - why other people don't feel that is beyond me!

You could probably consume my french fries for me... does that mean I can have you do the sit-ups too? I was "this close" to a sale, but unfortunately hubby finally saw my "wish list" book light from my blog - nothing like dropping REALLY obvious hints!

Martha said...

I just came back from a PAL bball meeting. If Z is interested they said he could play in two divisions. He could play on a 13-14 team too. Just let them know when you get home.

Maybe you're not in the Christmas spirit because you are missing the Christmas lights on at your house. Plus, you have to play Christmas music and see your tree everyday.