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Friday, December 12, 2008

Father Forgive Me

There are nasty rumors going around the bloggernacle that I ignore my tags.

That's just vicious suspicious malicious slander! Don't believe a word of it. I have never ever ever ever been tagged.

I bet I know who is spreading the rumors. My cousin Emily, A.K.A. Sewl, who is trying to outdo me with her antique book collection, (because I'm a literature teacher). Or Susan, who wants to see what's in my purse for some reason. (Susan I can tell you right now, it's just tampons from New Zealand, nothing interesting). Or Lo, who just wants me to read every single post in her archive even though there is no tag with my name on it. (I know because I read every single post in her archive to find a tag with my name on it.)

Even so, and even thogh my motto is "Don't do tag, it's a drag," and I'm having a button made that says This is your brain on tags, and I can barely get my visiting teaching done, let alone tagging, I will be polite and pretend they actually did tag me.

The only thing is I can't remember what they tagged me about.

Oh, Susan's had to do with stealing my credit card number and Emily's was to check and see if I'm actually qualified to be a literature teacher.

I'm not falling for their little tricks so I'm going to make up my own tag.

I'm going to call it the Father Forgive Me tag. The rules are you have to forgive one person who wronged you and then you have to wrong one person so they can forgive you.

And then you have to make a list of 10 things you would say at confessional.

So first I forgave my son for talking about sex. Next I yelled rudely at my husband for talking about sex.

Then I made a list of the 10 things I would say at confessional:


1. I text with both hands.

2. I haven't gotten a hair cut since this post in August.

3. I felt ungrateful when I found out my Christmas bonus from my employer is a hymn book.

4. I felt angry when I found out my husband's Christmas bonus from his employer is a hymn book.

5. I ate a whole bowl of cake batter when I thought about my in-laws coming for 42 days.

6. While I was preparing my in-laws bedroom, I ate party mints until my lower lip burst into a flaming hot cold sore. (It's a good thing I'm addicted to Acyclovir.)

7. I'm addicted to Acyclovir.

8. I wasn't disappointed when Enrichment was cancelled this week.

9. I guilt tripped my brother into leaving a comment in my comment box.

10. I pretended I couldn't cut anymore stars for the ward Christams party because my thumb was numb. Then I let my 1st counselor do it, even though she was in labor.

Can I do one more since I'm not really addicted to Acyclovir?

11. A few days ago in my comment box I said something embarrassing to CaJoh. I said, "I like you. A lot. I'm really glad you found me." And then I found out CaJoh is a man. A MARRIED married man. He probably thought I wanted to swap DNA with him. And his wife is probably the one spreading those nasty rumors about me.

Whoever thinks CaJoh should change his name to CaJoe raise your hand.

Can I do one more since my husband and I both work for the same employer and that could technically count as one?

12. I said TAMNIT! when my husband accidentally pinned my head against the wall while we were moving furniture to prepare for his parent's arrival.

P.S. I hope you don't think I'm nervous about my in-laws coming just because I said Tamn's name in vain and I have cold sores and I ate a whole bowl of cake batter. Seriously, I'm totally cool with it. This is like the 15th year they've stayed with us for 42 days and every year gets easier and easier.

This year I'm absolutely confident that when my MIL opens our bedroom door at 6am and says "Yoohoo. AloooooHA!" I will not throw my pillow at her face and yell, "Get Out!"

38 comments:

Heidi Ashworth said...

I'm first! Now I'll go back and read the post. (hee hee)

Jillybean said...

I read the post before commenting.


42 days is a long time.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I think if my in-laws were coming for that long, my MIL would find me with a noose around my neck when she came screaming, "Aloha" in my room at 6am.

A whole bowl of cake batter? Ohhh, I think I'm going to heave!

The laboring 1st counselor doing the stars because of your numbness was HILARIOUS!

Got my caramacs today! THANK YOU!!! I was really needing them, as I got a fun UTI to go along with my illness today. You're the best and you will be getting some linky love from me next week since I devoured your yummy treats without abandon. LY, Crash!

Barbaloot said...

Man-Heidi cheated! You s'posed to read the post first!

Take back the throwing pillow one. Please. Just cuz I like that image.

Ooh-and what's this Acyclovir you speak off? Sometimes I get cold sores and I hate them and want something to fix them.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Barbaloot - tea tree oil helps with cold sores.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Second! Yay! I think perhaps you have had a bit too much cake batter or that acyclovir stuff you talked, er, typed about. Don't you know moving furniture is dangerous when high on acyclovir? Or cake batter, for that matter? Am I to understand from this post that you are not only an English professor (who received naught but a hymn book--more than one of which you not doubt already have, hubby's copy notwithstanding--as a gift from said employer) but an acyclovir addict and Relief Society president as well? No wonder you took TAMN's name in vain. ;)

Heidi Ashworth said...

Holy cow! How many comments int he time it took my to type my second comment whilst believing I would be the second to comment? Hecka!

Heidi Ashworth said...

Sorry for the typos. Typos happen. Especially when on or speaking of acyclovir.

Boy Mom said...

Lysine for the cold sores (at the grocery store vitamin aisle) unfortunately won't help with in-laws.

12 year old boys are to weird from decorating to sex talk to emotions to doubting their parents have a single brain cell. Gotta love em!

Love your blog.

Stephen said...

I forgive you for guilting me into commenting in your comment box. I read your post everyday. Although I enjoy your posts, I don't always comment because your posts are so fun, warm, clever, and benign. My comments would be more cynical, sarcastic, dull, and boring. Keep up the good work. Stephen

T said...

42 days... that's enough to make you want to be addicted to Acyclovir... or maybe something with a little more kick to it :)

Melanie J said...

This right here is a perfect example of why I voted for you on MMB.

And how come the only one who doesn't know what acyclovir is? Tamn! Now I have to Google it.

Kristina P. said...

I don't do tags either. I'm a horrible person. And I don't think I realized Emily was your cousin. She has such a normal looking head.

Anjeny said...

42 days? Why that long? Was that some kind of declaration of love from your hubby? Hmmmmm. You need to tell him that that is a long enough time for you to turn all your jewelry into a golden head to make all your confessions to.
I am sooo glad I don't have to worry about the in-laws visiting. I love my MIL, she's the best, but I can only handle her my house for three days. I guess that would explain why she doesn't visit that often..lol.
Oh and you need to stop taking TAMN's name in vain, INNOCENT bloggers are reading and you're setting a very baaaad example.
***walks away shaking head***

Blogging Mama said...

Yikes and I thought I was nervous about my own parents coming for two weeks. 42 days of my MIL would have me begging to visit a sanitarium just to get a vacation!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Holy mother of a badger, (I totally stole that from Sue at navel gazing, hi Sue if you happen to read this.

That was too funny. And at least you get a Christmas present, my husbands college nothing, bubkis. Oh well why would a teacher need a Christmas bonus, they are just rolling in the dough, right? And the govenor of Nevada just vetoes raises for teachers because of some nonsense about lack of funding in the budget. I guess in a finacial down turn not as many people go to Vegas to waste their mone. Oh well.

verifier says "bovegu" like boy you live in Vegas, how sad for you. How did it know? You verifier is seriously possesed with some sort of demon spirit or something. OOOOHHHEEEE! Weirdsmobile.

Randi said...

What a darling blog you have... so hilarious!

((btw, I wandered over from Mormon Mommy Blogs))

April said...

You better start praying to Mr. Jackie Robinson!!! 42 days! I couldn't handle that with my OWN parents!!!! YIKERS!!! I think you did the right thing, by handing the cutting off to the first counselor. What's more bonding than carpal tunnel in a presidency? BTW, you can cure your swearing by reading your new hymn books....well it didn't work for me...but it may for you!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Holy Exhaustionmobile, Batman! (for some reason the spell checker is underlining exhaustionmobile. Isn't that how you spell it?

Okay, I am too pooped to pop, as my grandma would say. Does anyone else's grandma say that?

THIS DAY has been a blur of paper stars and glitter spray paint and an energizer bunny 1st counselor who had the baby, but still kept cutting and stringing stars as if she was still in labor. And my darn thumbs are still killing me, btw.

Oh, and my day was also a blur of safety kids songs and pulp fiction choreography and stolen umbrellas and lightening and flashlights and wet . . . how do you spell cordiroy jeans? and more flashlights and rescue missions and more lightening and thunder and raindrops and roses. (minus the roses).

Oh, my in-laws arrival started of with an incredible adventure. I can't wait to share it. When I'm not too pooped to pop.

Oh, and there was a lot more to my day. Oh the ward party. Oh, oh oh. Notice I didn't say ho, ho, ho. Oh,oh, oh, you have not been to a ward party if you haven't been to the 7th ward. Oh oh oh, who wouldn't know. You wouldn't know, that's who.

Let's just say, these people take their entertainment value seriously. They are sassy. They've got serious Christmas attitude. Oh, and the stars looked really good too. Especially the 5 that I cut.

Okay, not to YOU. YOU ALL, who are so curious about Acyclovir. IT'S a STAPLE if you have cold sores. There's the topical cream or the pill. If you have a problem with cold sores like me . . . like to the point where you can turn into a scary monster that makes your students wince when they look at you, YOU MUST do the hard stuff. Pill. And you must get addicted. It's not over-the-counter so you'll have to see my husband to get a prescription.

You guys are all so funny tonight. Miss Heidi, you goofy girlfriend, you. How fun that you're swapping medical remedy's.

I have to say this to Boy Mom, 12 year old boys might doubt their parents have a single brain cell, but they sure know about their sex cells.

hee hee

Couldn't resist.

Stephen, GOOD ONE. You forgave me! You're totally getting the hang of this tagging thing. Okay, I won't guilt trip you anymore, as long as know you're still there. ;) And did you call me benign? Doesn't that mean I don't have cancer?

Again, can I just reiterate that you guys are cracking me up. Don't you realize this is MY blog and I'm s'pose to be cracking YOU up.

Okay so let me just explain the 42 days a year with my in-laws. We live in Hawaii.

Enuff said.

When we lived in New York, they never came once.

It's not WHO you ARE, it's WHERE you LIVE!

Remember that ffr

So, are you wondering why I'm still writing to you even though I'm too pooped to pop?

Because my husband and I are waiting up to finish the adventure we started earlier. We're waiting for the road to open up so we can go retrieve our car which is sitting in a parking lot about 5 minutes away on the other side of a downed electrical pole. It's all part of the story I'm too pooped to tell.

So, FUNNY FARMER and CRAZY LADY . . . Good luck tomorrow at the recital. I can't wait to see the video footage.

I'm sorry I haven't read anyone's blogs today. My thumb hurt too bad. As soon as I get to MAUI, I will catch up, (if I have wi-fi)

BTW did you know SAFEWAY has wi-fi now? HELLO! Why would they need Wi-fi?

G'night everybody!

And may tomorrow be a perfect day . . .

(That was for you NHC)

P.S. Mariko, I hope you're okay and your not exhaustedmobile.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, so I'm so bored and tired that while waiting to go retrieve my car, I decided to read my comment.

I'm totally embarrassed. Do I always make so many typos and misspell so many words when I'm too pooped to pop?

The Rogers Family said...

You being benign doesn't mean you don't have cancer, it means you yourself are not a cancer. You are admirable. Stephen

I am LoW said...

You had me at " you have to wrong one person". :-)

I really really REALLY did tag you! More than once. :-P~~

WF- cobta- the act of being in denial about tags.

Funny Farmer said...

Dude, this post gets funnier every time I come back to re-read it! And so now I will laugh (again):

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, and I think you should know that I like you. A lot. And I'm so glad I found you. And I am not even a Married married man!!!

And I have decided that five minutes on the stage is nothing compared to 42 days with inlaws. I bow to your superior endurance and the sense of humor that makes it all possible. But I sure hope they don't cramp your blogging. Cuz then I might have to do something rash... like actually post on my own blog for a change!

Thanks for the good luck wishes. I'm gonna need it!

Smart Helm said...

K.. ur too popular for me to comment on every blog of urs... even if I think ur hilarious. (have u considered changing ur middle name to hilarious? A former roommate used it as a middle name, but since she doesn't remember, I think u can steal it) Just know that I will always be here laughing.. Progression of Smart: Lurker-Stalker-Lurker... What comes next?
Keep it up!
"subbles" - subtle bubbles?

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Good gracious Crash- your life is so exciting and full of adventure. Do they have Cold Stone in Oahu? The cake batter ice cream is soooo good, and won't make you wanna throw up after :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH, yes they have coldstone and I'm addicted to the cake batter and cookie dough ice cream. If by addicted I mean I get it once a year.

Can I just say oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness to the whole in-law thing. Oh my goodness. I have a feeling you're going to be hearing a whole new vocabulary out of me in the next 42days. If I say oh my goodness a lot please realize that means I need you to send a call to the universe, extension Jackie Robinson, and ask them to grant me patience and restraint. Restraint from spilling TMI about the hilarity of living with your in-laws for 42 days. 41 days now. Should I put a countdown on my sidebar. hee hee hee. If I knew how, I TOTALLY WOULD! wink wink. Maybe Funny Farmer could do an instructional post to teach me.

Oh my goodness. Those three little words encapsulate so much. You don't even know. I must walk the line. I must not cross over to the dark side.

Funny Farmer, you have nothing to worry about. I don't get cramps (except in my thumb when I cut paper stars for christmas parties). I am going to have SO FREAKIN' much material to write about that I'll probably just stick the ethernet cable into my ear and literally blog my brains out.

Off to Maui! Hope they have wi-fi. If not I'll go to Safeway and sit in the produce aisle.

Love you all!

P.S. Mahalo Smart Helm. I can tell you really are smart, like you said.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I was feeling the love when you sent the caramacs, but now I'm not since you didn't acknowledge my comment. :( J/K

What's wrong with New York? Your in-laws must have been crazy not to visit you there.

Mariko said...

I am totally exhausted, I am furious that they made me go to school, but now I'm staying at Turtle Bay for a few days. After school we worked at the house for several hours and then I wanted to get ready for the next possible flood, but everyone ignored me until after we had left and the thunderstorms started. So we went back to the house and started moving stuff all over again. And now they're going to ignore me again, because it's dry right now. Nevermind that Amaya woke up way too early. At least it wasn't 2 am because there were 20 other people in the house I was at.
Oh, and I have never let my MIL stay for even one day, so you are a better Dummy than me. This is when a 1 bedroom apartment comes in handy.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I was just joking about off to Maui. I'm still here for a bit longer. I forget how long everything takes when the IL's are here.

Alyson, I did say a private YAY that you got the caramacs and BOO that you got a UTI and I nodded my head furiously in agreement about the noose around your neck. heee hee. And you were the one I was referring to about cracking me up. You and all the others that cracked me up.

MARIKO! Did you hear a whole parade of people driving by your house at midnight? I was the one who honked at you. But it seems you were at Turtle Bay. We were bringing our car home from Hauula after the pole down/road closed adventure. So sorry about your exhaustion.

And ftr, my in-laws stayed with us for 60 days when we lived in our TVA--one bedroom apt. The whole basketall season.

Okay, they actually rented a room in the community, but it felt like they lived with us, you know what I mean.

But it refined me and now I only eat one bowl of cake batter before they come instead of two.

Funny Farmer said...

Honestly Crash, I can't believe you've said as much as you have about your in-laws already. Do they not read your blog?

I will certainly be sending calls to the Universe on your behalf for the next 41 days.

I love that you choose to view their visits as "refining". How very Mormon of you.

I would also like to know how you get away with eating an entire bowl of cake batter without gaining 5 pounds. So not fair!

SWIRL said...

Too funny CRASH- our theme- was snowflakes! Cutting snowflakes. I don't mean to "one-up-you" but I think snowflakes are harder to cut cuz the paper is folded so many times....

just teasing.
I hope you fair better with your IL than I did last year. Remember? I spent 3 days straight in TEARS... (and I still had 3 more weeks to go!)

If you need an excuse to get out of the house... come over and do your VT at my house.. .we'll make Christmas cookies together (REAL Christmas cookies- not chocolate chip.)

OldBoatGuy said...

I'm exhausted just reading these comments!!!! I think my eyes are cramped now. Or numb.

I've been waiting for Lisa to send me home. I've been here for 42 days this past year. But she's a real live doll!!!! A dancing doll.

Liz said...

girlfriend,
I looooooooved this post. love. made me laugh. you are far more evolved than i fear i'll ever be with my ils. but we knew that about me already. during the gratitude section of our fhe(an honest attempt by me and ti to create an enjoyable environment-we don't feel fhe is to discuss concerns) my mil said, "and i'm thankful for liz for . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .(longest.pause.ever.). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . .
helping me cook in her kitchen". okaayy. sigh. such is the life when you marry the family prince. and the family bankroll. and the family co-parent. ok, i'll stop now. hey, i should ask sgf a question about this. wait, i AM sgf. i'm gonna go give myself a empathetic talk now. :)
you're my idol.

Youngblood4ever said...

Now for the all-important question- what kind of cake batter? Chocolate is always my favorite, but when it comes to cake batter I am totally not going to turn down white, yellow, strawberry, or any other kind. Although I have never tried carrot cake (which is weird since I L.O.V.E. carrot cake and had it as the top layer of my wedding cake- and we ate it on our hunneymoon- no waiting for the first anniversary for us, wasting perfectly great cake), I've also never tried fruitcake. Speaking of fruitcake, have you seen the funny shtick by Jim Gaffigan about cake? What's the deal with fruitcake? Fruit- Good, Cake- GREAT, Fruitcake- Nasty crap. HAAHAAHAA

CaJoh said...

You have to realize that I am a forgiving person:
http://cajoh.blogspot.com/2008/08/giving-and-forgiving.html.
I will forgive you… if you forgive me for not seeing your reply— I may not have requested Email follow-up.

I guess I really need to make sure my comments are clear. I may post on the confusion that CaJoh has had by sounding like a girl, but really being a guy— but I'll have to do it in a tasteful way (my 13 year old nephew does read my blogs).

Martha said...

Have fun in Maui. I hope the SuperFerry is smooth and the sun shines. We'll be here swimming in the mud puddles.

Tiffany said...

I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. Man I am glad I found your blog. I am a girl too, not a boy incognito. But I am married, but loving me would somehow be ok right?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Tiffanee, I'm glad you found me too. You're not Cajoh's wife are you?