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Monday, December 15, 2008

My Super Hopeless Super Ferry Romance

Aloha everyone!

I'm in Maui. And guess how I got here!

That's right, (how'd you know? Oh, my title) we took the super ferry.

Here's how the super ferry works. You choose one of your cars to go on vacation with you, preferably whichever one needs the break the most. We chose our mini-van because it's been working for us for 9 years and it's never been off the island.

Next you climb in the car with your children and your in-laws while your husband stacks everything you own around you, including the kitchen sink. (You just never know when you'll need it).

When you get to the super ferry make sure you upgrade to the Hahalua lounge because it's at the very front of the boat so you get front row seats to watch your MIL BHBO.

(I'm creating new acronyms for this post so I don't have to say ugly words. When I say BHBO it = barfing her brains out. When I say BMBO it = barfing my brains out. If I say BYBO it = barfing your brains out)

The Hahalua lounge should be called the Ha ha Lua lounge because ha ha means I'm laughing at you and lua is the ancient Hawaiian art of self-defense. When you put it all together it means Put up your dukes while I laugh myself silly at you BYBO. 

To be fair, they should add a subtitle to their sign so you know what to expect in the Hahalua lounge.

Hahalua Loungue: Remember what it was like to be pregnant?

The Hahalua lounge is hilarious because they offer free pineapple and Costco mini suasage links and all you can drink drinks, and all you can B, B-bags, but no soda crackers. And then they let you stuff yourself while the super ferry goes surfing and they go hide in the back room with patches behind their ears pointing their fingers at you and saying ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Our super ferry was a pro surfer. DUDE! He could win the Pipeline Masters. He could really bang. He could crank through the waves like nobodies business.

And we had front row seats for every airdrop.

At first we enjoyed the ride on the vinyl lounge couches and reclining chairs and cute little round Jetsonesque tables overlooking the front of the boat. This is where we settled with our hot chocolate and our enthusiasm for the super ferry. I also had Miss Heidi's new book in hand because I was in the mood for romance.

But as soon as I opened Miss Heidi's book I got the urge to BMBO. It wasn't because Miss Heidi's book isn't romantic, it was because we started going through a channel and romance is the last thing on your mind when you feel like BYBO. 

I don't know which channel it was, probably the Disney channel because I found Nemo. In fact I found a hundred Nemos swimming around on the Hahalua lounge carpet while I was crawling across the floor trying to get to a vinyl couch ASAP.

When a super ferry goes through rough waters in a channel it begins to breath heavily. In and out, in and out it breaths. Maybe because it's a lot of work to chug along like that with a bunch of cars and people eating pineapple and Costco sausage links on board.

If you want to know what a breathing boat sounds like imagine Darth Vadar with a sinus infection. No, Darth Vadar with a sinus infection and bronchitis because every so often, when the ocean gets really wild, Darth Vadar wakes up and coughs up a lung. When Darth Vadar coughs up a lung it feels like you're actually inside Darth Vadar's lungs being thrashed around. And that's when you feel the greatest urge to BYBO.

After the hot chocolate and all-you-can-drink Sprite flew off the little Jetsonesque tables onto my lap, my MIL grabbed her B-bag and began gagging.  

The funny thing about gagging is it's just like yawning.  When one person yawn's everyone yawns.  When one person gags, everyone gags.  I had to cover my nose and crawl along the floor, to the vinyl couches and curl up into a little ball. I closed my eyes and tried to figure out how not to BMBO.

My father in-law had some good advice, which I'd like to pass along. Don't think about it! It really works too. Just don't think about how bad you want to BYBO and then it goes away. This works for pregnant women too. Mind over matter, girls.

I tried to think happy thoughts about rainbows and butterflies, and my mind really did stop thinking about BMBO, but then my stomach started thinking about BMBO.  I couldn't figure out what to do to get my stomach to stop thinking about it so I closed my eyes and put my sweatshirt over my head and started breathing with Darth Vadar. Innnnnnnnnnnhale .  .  . exxxxxxxxxxxhale.  Soon I became one with Darth Vadar and it helped.  It really helped.  Except my MIL kept gabbing and chuckling and gabbing and chuckling.  

She has a special gift of gab where the words pour prolifically from her mouth like a waterfall, and even the urge to BHBO doesn't stop them from gushing forth.  She just gabs and gabs until her stomach meets her uvula and then he grabs her bag and BHBO.  Then she chuckles and begins gabbling again.  

Me, I don't have that gift.  I have to curl up in a little ball and close my eyes and put my sweat shirt over my head and breath in and out, in and out until I become one with Darth Vadar.  

The most hilarious thing about the Hahalua lounge is at the end.  It's like the funniest punch line to a not very funny joke, where everyone is gagging and laying across the vinyl couches with their sweatshirts over their heads and then the concessions lady comes over the intercom and announces that the free snack bar will be closing in 10 minutes so please make your final purchases NOW.    

Once we were safely docked I gave the snack bar lady the address to our vacation rental and told her I was sorry I hadn't made my final purchases at the free snack bar because I was BMBO, but I would appreciate it if she would send the rest of my free Costco sausages to this address after I stopped gagging. 

26 comments:

Sandi said...

Do I really get to be the first comment? good thing I checked back to see if there were any updates! I am feeling sick just reading about all the puhking...(is that the correct spelling?) I hope the rest of your trip goes better!

Kristina P. said...

Costco mini weiners?!?! Where can I sign up!!!???!!!

T said...

I'm cracking up - but in a sympathetic way.

btw - the post is even quirkier when your brain transposes BYBO to BYOB each and every time!

glad to know Miss Heidi's book isn't the cause though - I'm looking forward to reading it!

Me said...

How do you get yourself into these messes?

Jen said...

Oh that was priceless. Up here in Washington, our San Juan ferries are WAYYYYY nicer. No one ever BTBO. We do have nice vinyl couches though!

fivelive said...

Just wanted to let you know that I voted for your blog I would rather laugh my brains out not that I don’t like doing good things but I just wanted to let you know that I love reading you blog

Heidi Ashworth said...

I want to echo T's question--are you sure it wasn't Miss D who did this to you? And your MIL? And everyone else? (starting to feel paranoid but what's new?) But, hey, I'm glad that since you were feeling sick you were feeling *too* sick to read, because I wouldn't want you to forever associate Miss D with (insert your fave euphemism for you-know-what here)(or fave acronym). No, indeed. So, please wait to pick her up when you are lying about on the beach and feeling finnneeeeee.

Smart Helm said...

rockadoodle.. My mother got sick on one of those ferry things in Hawaii and the workers told her to go down to the bowels of the ship where it doesn't rock so much... sure, right next to the snack bar wafting the smell of nacho's over the whole room. Such smart thinkers.

You know, if u look on-line for help in seasickness, they suggest asking to drive the boat. Maybe u should try that next time!

Mariko said...

I'm so glad you told me this before I went to BMBO. I have been wondering about going on the super ferry, but I will never go, now. My dream in life was to be a marine biologist and travel the world on a boat, until I realized I get the worst sea sickness. So I switched my major to English. Guaranteed to keep you stuck to a desk with hardly any moving at all. This post had me R w/LUID. Figure that one out.

myimaginaryblog said...

I gotta say that I figured out your acronyms before you explained them -- I'm sure it has nothing to do with my having two kids with stomach bugs right now.

I hope things were much better after you arrived. How are you getting back home?

myimaginaryblog said...

Mariko, I'll take a stab: Retching with laughter until I died?

(That can't be right, but I should get points for guessing anyway.)

Barbaloot said...

So---when are you getting your free costco snacks?

Have you ever seen "Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss?" Cuz when you talked about getting the kitchen sink it reminds me of the vacation their family takes and the mom is frantically running around making sure they packed everything yelling "Did you get the bathmat?"

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

All I can say is no family vacation in memorable unless there is vomitting involved. Just saying. So look at the bright side you will never forget it.

He he he Smart you made me hee heee at the driving the boat comment. Crash please do try this on the way back and let me know if they let you drive.

And Jen I have riden on northwest faires and I agree not the least bit of sea sickness. Riden is probably not a word is it? Oh well I am not constraned by silly little things like grammer rules.

And where did I read about what the worst things to throw up are? Somewhere, I am guessing that Costco mini wieners are on that list.

Although if you take bacon and wrap it around that lil smokey and top it with some brown sugar and bake until oey goey golden brown, it is quiet delicious.

Word verifier: scophoan is that the kind of sound coming from you lips while you were becoming one with Darth Vader. And does that mean you are Luke's mother?

Amanda said...

Crash, I'm sorry the ferry was so unpleasant for you...sure gave me a good chuckle reading about it, though. Hope the return ferry trip is easier on your stomach! And you will hopefully have so many wonderful memories of Maui that your FIL's theory will be easier to achieve :)

Jillybean said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your not so pleasant trip.

All I can think of now is what are you going to do on the ride back?

April said...

I am gagging just reading this! And I didn't bring my own bag with me!!! I am a sympathetic puker! I would be right there beside you curled up on the vinyl benches! I hope you still don't have your sea legs!!.....I am still swallowing....and breathing deeply and slowly.....and I am not in labor or pregnant! YIKERS!!! Step away from the Costco sausages!!!

farno....nope not far to go!

Melanie J said...

Uh......

Merry Christmas! Your gift was a ticket for the super ferry so you could lose three pounds before the Christmas eating begins.

I'm AWESOME.

Funny Farmer said...

Vacation ain't vacation 'till somebody vomits.

Haaaaaah!

April said...

Oh I almost forgot, you need to look on the bright side....there's always the trip back!

hahahaha....wv---> sicin

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Aloha Everyone. Thank you for all your puhking sympathy and advice and encouragement and reminders that I still have to feel pregnant again on the way back.

This time I'm going to wear something that doesn't clash with my green face. It's good advice to be color coordinated when you're BYBO.

Okay, you are all so funny and clever, but my favorite comment goes to the Nutty Hamster chick who asked me if I'm Luke Skywalker's mom because I was one with Darth Vadar. ha haha ha ha ha ha ha a

Mariko, I can't figure it out. I can't. Tell me tell me tell me. And how's my darling daughter. I need to hear some darling news about her to keep me going.

Sandi, only two more days and you will get to hug your daughter again. Don't forget to take her to see Twilight. hee hee

Blogging Mama said...

This sadly is very familiar to me. When I was 15 we took a delightful ferry trip from one island to the other and I did a wonderful imitation of what you've described. Although it didn't stop there - I continued in the back of the car for the rest of the day as well.
Even the small ferry ride from NJ to Rehobeth, DE had me feeling like tossing my cookies.

Ahh, I LOVE being prone to any-kind-of-motion sickness!

Hope you are all feeling much better :)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

As soon as I read barfing your brains out but in the Acronym style I began to sympathy BYBO!!!

It stunk and my eyes had to slowly crawl through the rest of your post...only stopping when I read any Acronym starting with B and ending with BO...

So thanks for the stories...it was funny after I couldn't sympathetic gag anymore and I pulled my eyes away to focus on my OWN vinyl, but not vinyl couch.

But please spare me the phuking stories on your way back to whatever Island you are going back to

Actually I know where that is, but I'm sure you have restraining orders on some of your PROVO stalkers so I'll not leave that information lying around this comment!

Mariko said...

myimaginaryblog
I can't believe you got that right. Seriously.
Your perfect daughter said "Oh God" today in her performance. You should have heard the gasps. (yes, she was quoting The Crucible, those sinners.) I laughed because everyone in my class who comes to the word H-E-L-L in the script says "heck" instead, and it drives me insane. I always say, "HELLO! You think Puritans swear? IF THEY DID THIS BOOK WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING!" Nope, they only commit lechery. Swear? Never.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Mariko, I can't believe my daughter said that. My perfect angelic daughter. My daughter who reads the BOM every single night for the past two years no matter how late she goes to bed. My daughter who refused to say TAMN or HECK in her history day performance even though it was a direct quote from Kennedy. Are you sure you heard it right, Mariko?

Not that I think any less of her. I will be proud of her actually. But it's just so uncharacteristic. Maybe she's starting to loosen up. Maybe next we'll be able to talk her into a tattoo

Martha said...

Don't you know anyone who could possibly write you a prescription to get the behind the ear patches for the journey home? I used them when I went on the Big Island trip with Rach. They were awesome. I could actually read on the bus. Then after three days my vision got all blurry and I couldn't even see my own hand, but so worth it. You'd only need it for an hour or so.

I guess your daughter is fine. I haven't seen her today. Rach slept over Sun & Mon. We were at Josh's game. He did great, but didn't even play much. Dang coaches, they haven't figured out whose good yet.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Martha, I DID have the patch. I'm going to put it on the night before on the way home.

Too bad about Josh. And thanks for letting R stay with T. I hope they're having fun.