Monday, December 22, 2008

PhotoGRAPHIC Evidence

Disclaimer: Some parts of this post are rated pg-13 so enter at your own risk.

So I'm home. And can I just say, there's no place like home. (Say that three times while clicking your heels together and see what happens. I dare you.)

Can I also just say, there's no place like home for the holidays. (Am I right Kute Kasey?)

And hey, guess what? Christmas is this THURSDAY! Were you guys aware of that? I had no idea! So now I'm doing the Home Alone AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Actually I'm trying to do the Home Alone AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, but I can't quite muster the energy. I think I'm destressed.

Yes, I'm definitely in a destression.

I blame it on Maui. My body is home, but my mind is still on vacation. I can tell because I can't even muster up any annoyance at my MIL. I'm trying. Really I am, but nothing is phasing me. Not even her standing in the middle of the kitchen while I cook or saying everything nice twice or asking my FIL to show us his fissured tongue during dinner. None of it seems annoying anymore--just endearing.

And my BBFF's constant doubting and questioning me isn't even getting on my nerves today either. I think I better get on some anti-destressants.

Really my BBFF is right to question me. I do lie. She's only calling me out.

In fact I didn't take any naps in Maui. I lied about that. I told you all that I was sleeping for you so I could pocket your money, but I didn't really sleep for you. I was busy grading research papers and finals and figuring out my student's grades. But you're not going to pay me for that so I lied.

I'm a bad girl.

And I'm a bad teacher too. I didn't teach my students anything. I'm ashamed of some of their answers on the final. One question on my final asked what you call the categories of literature--poetry, drama, the novel, the short story etc. The answer is genre.

You know what one student said? Blog.

I've totally corrupted my student's minds.

But I can't even muster up enough energy to feel guilty or aggravated. I wasn't even aggravated when two of my students who received A's in my class emailed me and told me that I forgot to add their extra credit to their total points.

But I'm not here to talk about my shortcomings or my student's shortcomings, I'm here to provide a sign for Lisa--oh ye of little faith--in the form of photoGRAPHIC evidence that I did go to Maui and that I did have a super hopeless super ferry romance and that we did stumble upon a nude beach and that a partially nude mermaid did stumble upon us.

Here we are pulling out of the harbor and waving aloha oe to Diamond Head/Honolulu.

Here are my IL's and my husband with front row seats to the gag-a-thon. My MIL is chatting it up now, but give her time and she'll be BHBO.

Here is my little round Jetsonesque table and my hot chocolate and Miss Heidi's naked book. I took it's clothes off because books are less inhibited that way. It won't be long now before my hot chocolate is in my lap and I'm crawling towards the vinyl couches.

Can you find Nemo?

For those of you who are weathering storms and blizzards and power outages, look away NOW!!!!!! Place your hands over your eyes and scroll down as quickly as possible to my MIL's shoes, unless you want to feel like I felt during Autumn when everyone was posting gorgeous photos of burnt amber partially naked trees.

Nothing but sand and sky (and my legs trying to get some sun). If you look closely I'll whisper aloha in your ear.

These photos were taken with my virgin eyes before I climbed the lava rock and uncovered the nudies.

Here I am overlooking Big Makena beach.

Then I turned around and . . . ACK! PDN everywhere!

Here is a photo of my family looking at all the PDN photos that I can't show you here because my husband says I might lose my job and my calling.

WHOA WHOA WHOA! Hold on here! Is my MIL wearing Old Navy Shoes?
Can I forgive her her trespasses?

Whoops! Did You see me slip in those censored nudie photos? How sly am I? If you're under 13 you won't be able to see them anyway because I have this post set to censorship mode.

Lisa, if you really love me you'll post all the rest of the hilarious nudie photos you censored and drew all over for me on your blog. You won't get fired from your job, I promise.

And here are my boys doing the synchronized snorkeling.

And this is where the mermaid will appear momentarily. Just before I hold my horses and then catch my keys in my knickers.

And there were other things too--art galleries and shopping and restaurants and runny noses--but I don't care if you believe me or not about those things so I'm not going to post photos.

P.S. The super ferry ride home was super romantic. I read the rest of Miss Heidi's super romantic/charming/adorable book about Miss Delacourt and Sir Anthony. Oh my goodness, oh my goodness. I am so proud of Miss Heidi. My favorite part, besides the super hot kissing scenes and the romantic comedy, was when Miss Delacourt fully intends to throw herself unto her bed and sob her eyes out, but bursts into Sir Anthony's room by accident and then chucks The Taming of the Shrew right at his forehead. Hee hee. Good thinking Miss Heidi.

Was that a spoiler?


Jen said...

I see I've regained my rightful place as your bloggin-wavelength sharing first-commentor - or should I say BWSFC?

And just for the record, I never doubted you. I knew you're clean little MMB mind could never conceive of PDN all by itself - although the pics do remove all doubt.

The Rogers Family said...

Okay I guess you're legit. I love the picture of your son looking at the computer screen. That was hilarious.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Who can do that nudist thing???? Crazy! They are just hanging out(literally) playing games and acting all fruity :) WEIRD!!!!!!!

OldBoatGuy said...

I never heard or read the word genre until about 15 years ago, it was used to catagorize computer games. So I looked in my old (1955) Webster's and there it was. I thoght it was a new word invented by you.

I'm so glad you blacked out the nitty gritty spots on the pictures. I believe there is a clause about posting in-appropriate pictures in your agreement.

I'm surprised anyone would accuse you of lying! swore on the Koran to tell the truth.

Barbaloot said...

I'm tremendously impressed with your ability to censor.

Thanks for not including any BYBO pictures.:)

I am LoW said...

Great post and awesome censoring. I was a little worried, what with my rated G eyes and all, but it was okay. And as always, witty.

Kristina P. said...

I for one, am disappointed in the censoring. I mean, the body is a beautiful, god given thing. Why be prudish about it? Let the nakedness fly!!!

April said...

Thank you thank you for censoring the naked pics. There are just some things that are better left to the imagination! Some things are better left to the imagination.

Good luck getting ready for Christmas!!!

CaJoh said...

I'm just surprised that you even took a picture. I guess you just needed "proof" so all your "doubting Thomas's" knew you actually were there.

Good luck on getting through the big push to Christmas.

georgie said...

Welcome home...I think...I mean who would want to leave maui? But at any rate welcome home...loved the pix especially the nudie ones...except my pix had lil black boxes on the pic so i am feelin a lil jipped ;-)

Heidi Ashworth said...

Thanks for the proof in the pudding, so to say. I was one of those who doubted the whole dadgum thing. Thanks for the plug on my book, too! I am glad you enjoyed it! (That's one of my fave parts, too. I had nothing to do with that, btw--Miss D thought it up all by herself.) Yet, it could be one of those lies you keep claiming guilt to. And, hey, I know why you took off the cover--you didn't want anyone to think you were reading a Stephenie Meyer book! Bwahhaahahaaaaa!!! (um, er, or a Heidi Ashworth book) (Does anyone else feel like they have to double and triple check their spelling and punctuation when commenting on Crash's blog?)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

OKay so I have been sitting here for an hour trying to make sure you censored everything in that second nudy picture...

Yep, you got it all...

So now I will allow my husband and 6 year old boy read this post...thanks for the pre -warning...that was a close one! :)

And I also never doubted you and you awesome trip to Maui...I figured it was Santa's Gift to me that you BYBO the whole way there before you actually got to Maui...

But the picture of your SKINNY ethipoian legs was unecessary...I'm totally jealous because A)they are skinny, B) they are tan and c) they are surrounded by sand...


You definitely got the skinny genes, and I got the OTHER genes! :)

Smart Helm said...

I saw the pictures and at first thought "how strange that they are all wearing little black pants". Yes.. I R engineer.
Have fun attacking Christmas! ITS HERE!
"salessin"... ur word verification is lying... sales are NOT sin! They are BLESSINGS! (unless u use them as excuses for going over budget... hmmm)

Dots said...

Kudos to your censoring :)
Very 'holiday-holiday' pictures... as for Miss D.. spoiler? no, no, no... was a very lucrative trailor..

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Jen, I always said you were my BWSFC. Glad you finally figured it out.

Rogers family--you don't know how many shots I had to take to get that look just right on everyone's faces. It's amazing how hard it is for children to look shocked AND natural when they're looking at photos of themselves playing football on the beach.

Oh Emily, because you haven't seen the whole lot of uncensored pics, you can't comprehend how true your statement actually is.

Old Boat Guy, ha ha ha ha. You're such a crack up. The Koran. hee hee. And how could your raise a daughter who would accuse me of lying?

Barbaloot, I can't take the credit for the incredible censoring job. Lisa did it. She insisted. She told me if I posted those photos as is she wouldn't be my BBFF anymore so she took care of it. She looks out for me that way. (But she's such a prude.)

Sorry, Kristina P. I knew you'd be disappointed. Maybe you can post the real photos on your blog.

You're welcome Lo~

April you are so nice to say that twice. That didn't even bug me because I'm so destressed.

Cajoh, I didn't need proof. I just like to look at naked people. I mean, laugh at naked people.

Georgie, I'm surprised your photos had black boxes on them. That means you're especially pure and righteous. You have your own internal censor.

Oh, Heidi, you silly goose. YOU have to triple check your spelling? HA HA good one, Miss Heidi. You kill me.

And Shelle, you silly silly goose. Those aren't my legs. I photo shopped those legs in. I didn't even go to Maui, girlfriend. It's all a big scam.

Smarthelm you are so right about the deals being sinful when you go over budget. Anything that give you a charge like that can be addicting like that. And we all know addiction is sinful. Even my verifier knows that.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh hi dots, I didn't see you there. Thanks. READ THE BOOK!

Funny Farmer said...

Yes, I censored the photos, after I fell of my chair and rolled on the floor laughing my head off!

Crash describing the nudists was funny. Actually seeing the nudists is HILARIOUS! I mean, who does that? They looked like a bunch of animals at first glance. I'm like, what are those little pink animals on that beach?... OMGosh they're Naked People! Bwahahahahahah!

I haven't laughed that long and hard in a good long while.

And why are there people with clothes mixed in? How do the nudists know they're not just there for the view? Maybe they don't care? Maybe they want to show off their natural beauty. I don't care who you are there's just something really wrong about that mentality.

And then I get thinking about the practical applications, ergo sand and delicate body parts that would normally be protected by clothing. Dude! Is it worth it?!

One thing nudists have over the rest of us though... I bet they don't have body image issues. :shrug:

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh funny funny farmer. And I only sent you three pics. I'm going to have to send you the rest on your birthday. When's your birthday? Or for Christmas. When's Christmas?

Funny Farmer said...

Oh Crash! Christmas was yesterday!!! Dude, you are really out of it!

SWIRL said...

Poor poor crash- she is really in bed sick sick sick... or that might just be the excuse she gave me cuz she didn't want to go on a walk.

Love the pictures!

Heidi Ashworth said...

Yes Yes and Yes! I maek mani typos.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I'm jealous of those legs too. I'm not buying the story that they aren't really yours either!

Your IL's are offended by The Office, but think nudie photos are funny?

Susan said...

I want to cry. It's 6 degrees here today, and that's NOT counting wind chill. I WANT MY FLIP FLOPS!! (um, not old navy flip flops, uh, no, another brand. I swear.)