Saturday, December 20, 2008

Aloha Oe

Guess where I am right now? I'm on the super ferry, heading home.

Yep. I lieth not.  

I'm in the middle of the ocean with WiFi.  How's that for space age? 

We just started the voyage so I'm not sick yet, but I'll keep you posted play by play, gag by gag.

You're welcome.

And you're also welcome for all the hard work I've been doing for you. I hope you appreciate all the sun I've been soaking up for you and all the naps I've been taking for you and all the fat boy ice cream sandwhiches I've been consuming for you and all the games shows I've been watching for you. I know you didn't ask me to watch any games shows for you. I just did that out of the goodness of my heart because I"m thoughtful that way.

But back to the play by play.  I've got the patch stuck behind my ear and I swallowed 5 ginger pills and I've been eating soda crackers like they're corn on the cob and guzzling Sprite like I'm a frat brat. Plus I've got my sweatshirt over my head and I'm curled up in a ball with the ethernet cable stuck in my ear.  Which means I'm actually blogging my brains out with my eyes closed.  I'm that good.  And look ma, NO HANDS!  Wahoo!

I wonder if the super ferry has a suggestion box? I would suggest that instead of broadcasting ESPN they broadcast old episodes of Gilligan's Island. It seems more practical.  Plus, don't you think it would add some comic relief, plus an element of fear? Plus it would generate ideas about how too cope if we ourselves get stranded on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I wouldn't need the ideas because I have a place to live already, but it might help my IL's figure out what they would do if they got stranded. I'm just thinking of others, as usual, which is all I've been doing this entire vacation. 

That's probably why I feel so worn out.  Thinking of others can take a lot out of a dummy.

I'm really going to miss Maui.  Of course I'm going to miss the nudity and the partial nudity, (although not the mermaid nudity) but I'm mostly going to miss the Game Show Network. Maui has the best Game Show Network. And the hard core water pressure of the condo shower. Maui has the best hard core water pressure too. It was a bit startling at first, when it ripped off my top layer of my skin, but once I accepted that I don't actually need my epidermis I've been able to chillax and enjoy the long hot showers.

I've learned so much in Maui too. Especially from my MIL. I've learned that some things are so nice they should be said twice. Like "Oh my goodness!" Goodness is much too sweet to be said just once. If you ever spread goodness around, please double the pleasure for everyone within earshot. In fact just go ahead and say everything twice. Especially if your DIL is pretending not to hear you.

But if your DIL has her eyes closed and her hands over her ears and she's repeating "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!" over and over, then I highly recommend shutting your trap ASAP!

Regrets?  I've had a few.  I wish we hadn't brought the kitchen sink.  We didn't even use it.   I wish we had brought my daughter instead.  We would have used her more.  But life is all about choices and sometimes you have to learn the hard way.  

Needless to say, I can hardly wait to see my daughter, but I could care less if I ever see my kitchen sink again.  

It just goes to show that things aren't people too.  Lesson learned.  

I know you wish I would ramble on aimlessly like this all day, but my battery is dying and I don't want my post to get stranded in the middle of the Pacific Ocean so I'm going to go ahead and bid  a fond aloha oe to ya'll and a fond aloha oe to Maui.  

But before I bid my fond aloha oe, can I just say one more thing about my BBFF, Lisa the Funny Farmer.  Don't tell her this, but she's really getting on my nerves.   She keeps doubting my credibility.  She has no faith in me.  She's now demanding signs that I exist and that I exist in Maui amongst all the under dressed people of the world.  

If I were God, I would have struck her down a long time ago.  But I'm not God so I will show her a sign.  Tomorrow.  When I have more battery!  (Signs take a lot of battery, you know.)

Aloha Oe, everyone.   

Aloha Oe, Maui.    

P.S.  I think all the soda crackers and ginger pills worked cause I'm not BMBO at all!  


Heidi Ashworth said...

First again! HA!!

Heidi Ashworth said...

Second! Ha! Umm, are you TAMN in disguise? Boy, that week in Maui sure went by fast! Did it go by fast for you? Let's just hope your daughter is there when you get back--she might be thinking it went by fast, too, and isn't back yet from whatever mayhem she got into in your absence. Except, with a grandma who repeatedly says "oh my goodness" (as do I!) she probably isn't the sort of gal who knows how to really get into hardcore trouble. Now, if she had been using the showers in Maui . . .

Sandi said...

I'm so glad the patch worked- I can't imagine getting back onto that blankety-blank ferry knowing it was going to make me sick. Good work Crash!

Mariko said...

I had no idea you were trying to quit smoking.
I guess, then, that you won't mind that WFG is rated R. I forgot to tell you. I can fastforward the bad part though, if you want. But if you've seen "Raging Bull", you'll have seen that part before anyway.
I'm such a sinner. Sorry.
I'm sad you're coming home, because I want to hear more about partial nudity. Not full nudity, because I also like to shower clothed. Every time I hear about nudist colonies, I picture them playing tennis, with their shoes on. Nudists like tennis. said...

Thanks for eating the Fat Boys for me- I'm sure glad I didn't have to gain the 10 pounds I would have gained had I eaten them. To return the favor, next time you want to go to Maui, I'll ride the ferry for you since I don't get sea sick.

April said...

Goodness, goodness Crash! How do you do it? Keep us entertained, eat for us, sleep for us, watch game shows for us, and yet stay so tamn cute! I need pointers!

Anjeny said...

You are the most talented dummy I have ever had the pleasure of encountering, virtual wise that is, who can actually blog while curling up fetus style. And I do thank you for watching the game shows, eating fat boys ice-cream and of course keeping me entertained with the partial nudist "watching". Oh yeah, I commend you for not drowning your

P.S. Swirl can't wait for you to come back, she needs more eggs. I think she pretty much used up all of Martha's eggs.

Kristina P. said...

I like that you are crazy.

Funny Farmer said...

Sheesh. All I asked for were pictures. :P

T said...

I think I can speak for everyone when I say how relieved we are that you weren't BYBO this trip...
All that soaking up the sun for me hasn't translated into my own skin looking different - still so white I can attract moths at night... oh well, maybe next time you're on a tropical island while I wrap myself in blankets because it SNOWED here in my desert oasis :(
(who me, bitter? nah)

Verification is "bernarly" - cold, but cool?

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Is BMBO..barfing my butt off???? If so, ahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!

Tamn, did you hear that? Miss Heidi thinks I'm you in disguise. As if I/we could pull of 14 ROTFLOL posts a week. Miss Heidi, that's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me before.

Or maybe you were accusing me of plagiarism. If so, that's the meanest thing that anyone's ever said to me!

Thank you, Sandi. And Ha ha, Mariko. Quit smoking. Nice one. I would never quit smoking. I'm glad you told me that Guffman is rated R. I'm sure I've seent that part many times. I haven't seen Raging Bull, but I've seen Bull Durham so I bet I've seen that part thirty times. I'm sorry I had to come home too because everyone is over dressed on Oahu. That's what I noticed at Costco anyway. Tomorrow I'll talk about nudity again anyway, since it's Sunday. And since my BBFF wants photos.

And Lisa, you didn't just ask for pictures, girlfriend. You said I DON'T BELIEVE HALF OF WHAT YOU SAY. And then you said PROVE IT!

Life in the Highlands, thanks for appreciating the sacrifice I made for you. And truly, I have gained 10 lbs for you. And thanks for the offer to ride the super ferry, but it was way better at the back of the boat. It's not a super hopeless super ferry romance in the back. In fact it was a super romantic super ferry ride because I was reading Miss Heidi's super romantic super cute super cewl book. I'm super loving it.

Anjeny, thanks. And thanks. And thanks. And I bought a dozen eggs for Swirl at Costco. I'll probably just stick a bow on them and give them to her for Christmas. I should probably do the same for Martha. Mum's the word, please.

Kristina P, who you calling crazy? I never said I was crazy. I just said I was bored. (And dumb).

T, at least you won't get skin cancer. I probably will. I was willing to risk it, for you guys, of course.

Emily, BYOB = barfing my your brains out. But barfing your butt off works too. And blogging your brains out works too.

Funny Farmer said...

BYOB? I thought that was Bring Your Own Bunny.

I said "I don't believe half of what you say" weeks ago, which is an eon in blog years you know. I never knew you were the kind to hold a grudge. :makes a note:

Jen said...

Unfortunately I forgot to ask you to eat the one hundred and forty-four cookies for me. I so totally should have thought of that. It would have saved my this irritating fat-feeling I'm currently dealing with.

Glad the Super Ferry is being nicer this time around! Hope it holds all the way to the dock.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Funny Farmer, you said that LAST week, girlfriend. And I never said I hold a grude. I don't hold grudges. But I do let people get on my nerves, and YOU are getting on my nerves. (Who told you I said that anyway?)

Jen, I'm so glad you didn't ask me to eat those cookies, because knowing me, I would have done it for you, out of the goodness of my heart.

Funny Farmer said...

I did not say that last week. Unless you can prove it.

Blogging Mama said...

Yeah for not BYBO!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I can totally prove it. Check my comment box, girl. Like last . . . ummm m m Tuesday maybe. Or Wednesday. Or Thursday. I know it's there. Or check my email in-box. You said it and you know it!

Thanks blogging Mama

Barbaloot said...

I think I should probly have you stop sleeping for me. Cuz last night I had a dream about you. I think that's taking it too far...

Stephen said...

I want to SEE the proof of these unsubtatiated claims to nude beaches and topless mermaids. That probably makes me cynic or a pervert. Congrats on not barfing. I went on a wonderful cruise, but spent most of the time seasick, which made it difficult to truly enjoy all the buffets.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Not happy about all the games shows watched in my name. Not happy at all.

Eating? Well, that's all right.

Jami said...

Congrats on your successful journey through the Pacific.

The one (the only) time I was in Maui, we took one of those ferries to go snorkle and all was well on the way out. On the way back however... I'm betting they wish that they'd chosen to serve something other than donuts, cold cuts, and chips. My sister and I were the first to go down, but we were not the last. Ew. Wish I'd used the patch, ginger, saltines, an epideral, whatever. That was just gross.