Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Lurve Sweet Lurve

One of my life dreams, since I was a little rascal, is to teach the world to sing. In perfect harmony. 

But then we got Rock Band and a Ukulele for Christmas and it hit me that I'm tone deaf.

Do any of you know how painful it is to have a desperate desire but not the desperate means?

I guess I'll have to settle for teaching the world to write.

Pencils ready, everyone?

Okay, just horsing around--pulling your leg. I've never wanted to teach the world to sing.

But I do have fond memories of singing that song when I did the March of Dimes Walk-a-thon in third grade. It's a hap hap happy song. And I'm in a hap hap happy mood.

In fact, I've FINALLY caught the Christmas spirit and it's hungry like a wolf. 

I NEED to FEED it. I was thinking of making you listen to It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year again, but I know Funny Farmer would've hauled off and smacked me upside the head.

I think this whole Christmas season was just such a blur of nudity and gluttony and game shows that I didn't have time to stop and think about the real reason for the season. But now I can't STOP thinking about it.

With all this brain bending I've figured out what the world needs now.  

Love sweet love.

Or as Tamn would say, lurve sweet lurve.

The reasons I'm feeling so much lurve are three pronged: 1.) American Idol is starting soon 2.) I'm no longer internet impaired. 3.) I super glued the commandment I broke back together again.

Number 3 was a ginormous morale booster. I'm almost giddy over it. 

But in order for you to understand I need to share with you my philosophy on marriage, which I've shared before on my sister site:

I think God was drunk when he thought of marriage. Not a blasphemous insult if you think about it. God HAD to be drunk to cope with what he was about to do to women. For their own good, of course. And to M.E.N. too. But mostly to women (in the Middle East and in China and in Africa and in . . . you get the drift).

The thing about marriage is it's hard as helk. It's like holding a mirror up that shows you all your flaws and weaknesses and shortcomings--things you can't accept and things you can't forgive and things you can't seem to get past, like your own issues and ideals.

It's tough stuff, marriage, and rightfully so because it is after all the supersonic highway through the refiners fire.

Let me borrow a phrase from Hamlet to illustrate:

Thou turn'st mine eyes into my very soul;
And there I see such black and grained spots.

But how else can we learn? If we don't see the black spots, we can't baptize them by soft scrub?

So I'm thinking God must have been drunk when he thought up in-laws too because they seem to serve the same purpose.

Come to think of it don't all relationships serve the same purpose? To hold up a mirror and present us with the opportunity to learn something or fix something or throw something.

For the past 20 years, which is how long I've been married, I've been presented with 42 intense days a year to learn something, fix something or throw something. 

I usually opted to throw something, but every year I learn something too.  

So do you want to know what I learned this year. (Once again I'll let Hamlet take the words right out of my mouth):

I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give them shape, or time to act them in. 

What should such dummies as I do crawling between earth and heaven?

(Names have been changed, btw).

I like the way Hamlet says it because if I said it myself it would come out something like, I'm a selfish, petty tongue wagger.  I'm a slobbity bobbity oinkeroo, as in in this little piggy had roast beef.  I'm a ill mannered grumpity grump grump.    I'm an attitudinally challenged frumpity frump frump.  

I realized these things on my own and believe me, it wasn't pleasant.  My husband and I hit the water for some water therapy, since it worked for our marriage, and we sang We Shall Overcome ten times out of tune, and then I repeated the phrase I MUST, I MUST, I MUST increase my TRUST, (in God, and in my own ability to transcend myself.)  He kept trying to get me to plug in a couple of other rhymes, but I said, "One issue at a time, sweetie pie!"  

I called to the universe:"I am MORE than a frumpity frump frump, grumpity grump grump!"  

And the universe called back:  "Are. You. Sure?" 

Long conversation with the universe short, I. was. sure!  

But just to make extra sure, I got some sleep and I stopped inhaling whipped cream from a can and started inhaling V-8 from a can.  Then I started doing yoga instead of doing toga.  And now I have this sneaking suspicion that I really AM more than a frumpity frump frump.  (Although I'm still a bit of a grumpity grump grump.)

Do you have any idea what a burden was lifted when I released all the intoxicating toxic toxins?

Bad vibes are bad, people.  That's why they call them bad vibes.  I know that now.   FINALLY!  

Today I felt so light hearted that I actually commiserated with my MIL and I baked Salmon for lunch and didn't snack between meals.  

I see now that there are actually many useful lessons to be learned from our elders, like selective hearing and guilt free eating.   Just say, "I shouldn't be eating this" and poof, your guilt disappears.  I think the calories disappear too.  

Isn't it lurvely? 

And now I'm just itchin' to share the lurve.  

So this week is officially Share the Lurve Sweet Lurve week.  

Merry Christmas everyone!


Barbaloot said...

I just saw a clip of Obama in Hawaii and I tried really hard to see you among the picture takers...but then realized I didn't really know what the person I was looking for looked like. Hmm.

Thanks for sharing the love!

April said...

I'm craving a coke now but I don't drink coke....I drink diet coke! WEIRD! And I want I want to listen to the Carpenters and wear bell bottom pants and mix plaids with stripes. Whoah!!! I'm having a flashback!

PS-Does this mean I have to be nice to stupid people too? Cause if so, I need to stock up on the Benedryl! :)

cured-I think you are!

Kristina P. said...

I'm so happy that the calories in that chocolate bar I just ate for breakfast have already disappeared! Yay!

I'm excited to see what this week brings on your amazing blog.

sara said...

I'm coming out of my lurker mode to make a quick comment. I realize that once I'm out, I'll have a hard time going back to being a lurker, but I just had to comment this once.

Your post made my heart happy and soul sigh. Not because of your inspiring words on marriage and love, but because you had salmon for lunch.
It's silly I know, but I love salmon and would eat it for every meal.
Somehow I feel like you're a hidden kindred spirit because you bonded with your MIL over salmon.
Way to go!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Barb, it's so easy to find out what I look like.

Oh April, how crazy that you're craving something you don't drink. It must be the subliminal messages hidden in my blog. See why I want to teach the world to sing.

Oh Kristina P. the lurve week is a SURPRISE!

Oh Sara, my salmon sistah, you know you can't go back now. Once you're out, you're out. And you're going to have to start following me too (if you ever want follower of the week status)

CaJoh said...

A phase I always say is:

Love is so simple…
we just don't have the patience to make it so.

Having things like marriage and IL's make you realize that you need patience to look beyond any shortcoming that you or they may have and love them for what they are.

I slated up my 2008 resolutions and their results to go off at noon Central today since I don't know if I'll remember to hit the publish button in time.

Have a great New Year!

Heidi Ashworth said...

I looked for your post (as usual) right before I went to bed but it wasn't there so I had to go and sleep, for pity sakes, and then I looked for it this morning but only after I did my routine on the Wii fit and so glad I did since I went from age 54 to 42 this morning (yah, Wii determines your age based on your weight and agility and balance and BMI and, er, age). Not sure how I got 12 years younger overnight but I'm not complaining since I'm actually 44, and then I found your post but first I had to go and read April (glad I did--I followed her so she doesn't have to be allergic to me anymore) and then I got back to your post and the dumb dog scratched on the back door! So, I had to let her out and stand there to make sure she went instead of eating the plants and it was cold because I don't live in Hawaii like some dummies do and she took so long I decided she had a shy bladder so I left and came back to your post--and THEN I noticed the draft and that the dog was in and I had to go and shut the blasted door and now I just feel like a grumpy grumpy 42 year old grumpity grump! I think I need a V-8.

Melanie J said...

Bring on the lurve!

You know, you're kind os smart for a dummy!

nevadanista said...

I think I lurve you!

Anjeny said...

Spread the lurve dummy, sread the This post kinda makes me a lil dizzy so I'm going over to Swirl's to talk her into coming over to your house to sing totally-out-of-tune Christmas carols. I know, I love u that much..ahahah.

Emily said...

Thanks for putting my stepping stones button on your waycool and much-read blog- thanks!

And when you see Swirl next she can tell you the details but I just bought a plane ticket to come to HI- too bad it is not until next August.. gives me something to dream about as I'm shoveling snow this winter.

The word verifier says "cardsmor" so I guess you guys better gets started in that cards making group.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

OK, I don't have time to write all the stuff that kept me from reading your post like Heidi did, but it was way worse than hers and I feel her pain. But I must get to my posting so I can make my four posts today and achieve the impossible dream.
I lurve you so keep it up.

And Barbaloot did you miss the post of Crash holding her horses. You can see what she looks like just before she has to go to the bathroom.

T said...

Salmon... the best food in the world - it can even make a conversation with a MIL tolerable!

Oh - and this was a great day for me to read this - Given that my nasty flu has prevented me from eating anything bad for me... make that "anything at all" but still... it's a first step to eating healthfully once again! thanks for sharing the lurve!

OldBoatGuy said...

That is lurverly.

One way to eat without counting calories is to eat off someone elses plate, cause they don't count.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Happy New Year everyone!

The verifier says mistaxed. How appropriate!

OBG, great advice. See what I mean about the useful things we can learn from our elders?

And see what I mean about Cajoh being too wise for this blog. I'm going to start calling him Yoda.

Miss Heidi and Miss Pat, sorry about your hectic morning, but please try to be more attentive in the future.

T, I hope you feel better. I'll make some chicken soup for you okay!

Anjeny, I waited all day and you and Swirl never came. How rude! But luckily I still lurve you.

And you too Nevadanista and Melanie J.

And Mariko, you better stop letting your life and your kid get in the way of this blog. I miss you when your not here.

And Emily, I love your site so much. It's beautiful. I'm going to spread your lurve this week. And I can't wait to see you in August. But like your mom says, I'm not that funny in person. Although I really am. But I'm not as goofy as Crash!

Annie Valentine said...

During the first year of hell, I mean marriage, Jason once told me, "I thought I was a pretty good person until I got married."

Isn't it grand?

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I love the selective hearing bit. My MIL has that down pat too. Maybe I could learn something.

I'm with Annie - first year of marriage was hell-o!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha ha Annie and Alyson. Thank you for verifying. hell-o. That's my new favorite swear word. I think Shell will like it too. ;)

My verifier sayd excruds! That's my favorite verifier word. excruds. I'm no longer a crud monkey. I WILL SHARE THE LURVE, come what may.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

What the're right's Liberating...I do like it! :)

I LURVE you and this blog and that we are twinners...what if I showed up in August also? Would that be FREAKY??? I always was the crazy one...just not the DUMMY one...ya know?

I LOVE April's blog also...she needs some much needed love and spotlight!

And is always good to come out of the LURKER's closet on Crash's site...I can say that because I am her twin and we share a brain...but I welcome you and your sweet profile picture...aaaahhh!!!

Barbaloot...since I have bonded with you through many months now...just go and check out Crash's OTHER site...her picture is plastered on that one in her profile...she's perty...but then again she is MY twin! :)

Much love ya'll!