Friday, December 26, 2008

That's what SHE said!

Aloha everyone!  

First let me say how sorry I am to those of you who got stuck in the snow today.  My heart goes out to you.  If it's any consolation, I got stuck in the sand, which is just as bad for someone who's dreaming of a white Christmas. 

Not trying to downplay your plight.  Just sayin'  the grass ain't always greener on the other side of the blizzard.  I mean it's greener, yes.  And warmer, yes.  But greener and warmer has it's drawbacks too.    Can't think of any off the top of my head, but . . .  

I hope your day was as wonder-full as mine.  I wondered about many things today.   Like why AMC would have a John Wayne Western-a-thon on Christmas Day? Did they not know my IL's would pitch a tent in the living room and try to convert me to Louis Lamour?   

I also wondered why Rock Band would include the songs Eye of the Tiger and Hungry Like the Wolves in their collection.  Can I get an Amen people?  The next kid who sings either one of those songs in my house will see just what the eye of the tiger looks like!

I also wondered how I have been able to raise my children without my MIL's full time assistance.  Without her I wouldn't know when or how much or how little my children are shoving into their mouths.  I had no idea my son could consume so much pie.  And I had no idea my other son could pull off such an amazing chipmunk impersonation when he chews.  How will I keep track of it by myself when she's gone?

Speaking of my IL's, The Office was on again tonight.  We told them they could watch their westerns if we could watch The Office. It was the episode where Michael goes on a business trip to Kanada. 

At first it was super fun laughing myself silly every time my MIL would say, "I think he's dumb" and my FIL would say, "I think they're all dumb."  

And at first it was cute when my FIL said Michael yabbers too much and my MIL called Dwight rude because he interrupted Jim and Pam while they were kissing in the parking lot to ask Pam to make copies.

But then my MIL said, "you'd think Michael would do something with his nose."

That's what she said.

Poor Michael, he was already having a sucky--his word, not mine--time in Kanada even without my MIL saying that about his nose.  She didn't even say "bless his heart" afterwards.   And then she called him crazy for calling Toby a jerky jerk face and for singing Oh My Do Da Day.  

And then she said OH MY GAD (in a disdainful way) so many times that I broke one of the commandments and I raised my voice at her and said, "He's SUPPPPPPOSSSSED to be crazy and DUMB!!!!!"  

Then she raised her voice back at me and said, "HE IS DUMB!  And besides your sons eat too much pie and too quickly, for that matter!"  (But she wasn't breaking any commandments because Moses forgot to add the one about honoring your DIL.)

Then, so help me Gad, I hauled off and . . . took a deep breath . . . and counted to 10 forwards and backwards . . . and sang Reverently Quietly backwards and forwards . . . and inhaled spray whipped cream in ginormous amounts.

And thank goodness too because I was this close to saying, "WELL YOU FALL ASLEEP DURING THE WEATHER!"

By that time the Christmas Spirit had departed thence and the evening came to a close with my MIL saying "And you guys really like this, huh?" and  "You watch this every Thursday, huh?" 

That's what she said.

But it IS a good idea to confirm things if you have any questions about them.  I agree that clarification is an essential form of communication, (not to mention humiliation.)   

If I hadn't had that spray whipped cream bottle in my mouth,  I would have clarified a few things myself. 

Like, "so you guys are really staying with us for 28 more days, huh?"


Stephen said...

What an impressive growth opportunity you have for the next 28 days. I envy you.

Kristina P. said...

We are whipped cream soul mates. I love inhaling whipped cream. Sometimes it even goes into my nose. Which isn't always pleasant.

And if you were one of the kids I work with, you would inhale without the whipped cream in the can. That's always a lot of fun. Or so I hear.

Melanie J said...

Oh, dear.

Well, I promise that I'm hip and cool but...I would watch a John Wayne marathon and I don't watch The Office.

Now I'm going to have to go ponder what those two facts say about me.

Heidi Ashworth said...

I had missed that episode of The Office the first time around so it was a special Christmas treat to get to see it last night. A great capper to a great day! My mil, had she lived, would have loved it, too. Watching it with my parents, however, would have been very uncomfortable. My dad would have walked out. I don't know how you do it--having inlaws around for that long--it doesn't matter how good and nice they are (or aren't) that is a very long time to have any house guest whatsoever. You are a brave gal--either that or you love your husband very much. I hope he does something to show you how much he appreciates you! word verifier: resiwoom--restroom with a lisp

Sandi said...

Oh my oh my- I would absolutely have to KILL my IL's if they ever dared to stay for more than 5 days- you are a saint, and you have my undying admiration for putting up with that nonsense!I seriously don't know how you are doing it. Good use of the phrase "thats what she said", by the way! Not quite as good as Michael Scott, but you will get there. Enjoy the sunshine, the wind is blowing something fierce here and it is a lovely 28 degrees. oh yay.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Stephen, you are so right. I've already gained 10 lbs.

Kristina P. I must be one of the kids you work with because I do inhale the whipped cream in the can.

Melanie J. Oh my goodness, oh my goodness. Say it isn't so. Well, I'm sure you still have your goodness points. And it gives me hope that perhaps my IL's wouldn't totally HATE my blog, although once they get to the part about my IL's they might.

Heidi, they say houseguest are like fish. I just try to think of my IL's as salmon because I love Salmon.

Sandi, I hope you had fun with Kute Kasey on Kristmas day. I will try to be more like Michael Scott in the future. In fact I'm singing Oh My Do Da Day right now! ;) And I'll try to call my husband a jerky jerk face later today if he gets on my nerves. There's no commandment against that, right?

Mariko said...

Next time you should stick in a DVD of The Office and hit "play all" while they're asleep during the weather, and pretend it's on tv and just an extra long episode.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Oh my dearest crash. Would it be bad if you were to x off the days each day in bright red? Or maybe you could use an axe to make hash marks on a door frame like they do on Survivor. Speaking of which 42 days is longer than Survivor, so maybe you should win a million dollars. Or too bad it is not Survivor and you could vote people who get on your nerves out of the townhouse.
And doesn't you mil know that on holidays you can eat as much pie as often as you want.
And I think growth opportunities are highly overrated. Just saying.

Jen said...

My MIL has only been to my house three times. And she won't stay for more than a couple of days. I'm sending all my pity your way.

T said...

you have incredible patience...

and I have wonderful ILs...

there is balance in the universe!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee Mariko. That's a good idea.

Nutty Hamster Chick, that was a ROTFLOL comment. I'm going to nominate it for a bloggy award. I think it deserves caramacs, except I'm too tired of sending things via post office.

What a great idea. Wouldn't it be cool if I could make a million dollars off my ILs? I would even stop watching The Office for a million dollars.

Jen, thanks for your pity and T Thanks for rubbing it in. hee hee

April said...

I laughed so hard at Mariko and Hamster Chick's comments! I dare you to interrupt their weather channel when they have fallen asleep and put in a cd of the Office. I triple dog dare you!

PS-The hubby got Season Two in his stocking. Even Santa likes the Office!!!

"jostuit"=just do it--hahahahaha!!!!

Barbaloot said...

28 days? Don't worry...that's only 4 more episodes of the Office-worth. You can make it!

My rival HS's mascot was the Tiger...I hate that song, too.

Jami said...

Oh dear. You poor thing. I can't even have my MIL in my house at all any more. Twenty-eight days would kill one of the two of us.

About two years ago, I lovingly told my sweet husband (at just the right moment) that he was welcome to have his family over any time, but to please give me enough notice so I could go to a movie or something.

A person can only stand so much critism before she begins saying things like, "Oh yeah, well your soups are gross. And you couldn't cook a decent cookie if an angel were there to guide you. And for heaven's sake stop dying your hair blond, woman. You are nearly eighty. Get over it." Going to the movies seems like a better choice.

Poor you--there are no movies 28 days long. How's about a hotel? Could you fake a hospital hospital stay?

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I would totally vote for you by the way.
And thanks for thinking my comment was so funny.
I think it would be good to get some of your aggression out with an axe by the way. I am sure that door frames are not that hard to replace.

Eliza said...

WOW! Hang in there girl! You might need to buy some caramacs for yourself!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Oh and thanks for the thought about the caramacs, but my friend just went to Hawaii and she brought me back some carmel popcorn with chocolate covered macadamia nuts. So I am good. Plus I just made a triple batch of sugar cookies and ate most of them all by myself, so I have consumed more than my share of sugar this week. Hang in there.

Martha said...

Hey, did you know that gum is bad for your teeth? You sure try the sugar free kind. I just learned that from your MIL.

And I thought you were doing so well up to now. I think we need to get my MIL and yours together. They are exactly the same. No, mine's worse, but she doesn't come to visit so you win.
If you need to, make an excuse and come over here to escape.

That's funny R and her friends just bought spray whipped cream and ate the whole thing in the parking lot at Foodland.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I'm feeling you, and no amount of sand and warmth can possibly make life great right now. I would have strangled my MIL after a week. It's a good thing she would never stay as long as your's, or else I'd spend a life sentence in prison.

Sandi said...

I just remembered time my MIL was coming for a week and I happened to get called to Jury Duty the first day she was there.....I seem to recall that I did not get picked for the jury, but I somehow forgot to tell anyone this important tid-bit. I pretended to go complete my civic duty for 3 whole days of her visit....she never knew that I was really off playing with my friends---bless my heart!

Natalie said...

Thanks for the laugh! My in-law dilemna came when we were on their turf and I kept thinking "it's their house... be patient, it's their house..." and making mental notes to host next year. Now that I've read this I might just skip that too though.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

I'm so sorry girl. If it's any consolation we have been doing the "that's what she said" pretty heavily this Christmas and boy oh boy can that get BAD fast. The bad is what makes is so good though :)

Hey- did you hear Gram had another big stroke? :( She is doing OK though.

Haynsy said...

The Mother in Law is in town, staying for three weeks. She and the wife's stepdad are heading for a divorce, they're in their 70's.

I'm with you on the in-laws. The big screen has been taken over by the MIL, she drinks coffee, the smell makes me sick to my stomach, she smokes and just leaves puts it out in the snow... on my deck table.

I want to run away.... and I'm a guy.

Sandi said...

I just read about Oahu's power outage- That would be bad enough without having the IL's there to make it even more hectic----poor crash!

April said...

Oh Crash....I won't ask what else could happen, because then it would...but "accidents" can happen in the dark! That's what SHE said.

Funny Farmer said...

Ok -- Sandi's Jury Duty story is making me Laugh Out LOUD! That is totally something I would do! Ahhhh HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I now officially Heart Sandi!

Sandi said...

Okay Farmer- I have been regretting that I admitted to that jury duty thing,and have been trying to figure out how to remove a comment, but since it made you have a little chuckle and you now heart me, I guess it was worth it!

Funny Farmer said...

Oh my dearheart Sandi - haven't you yet learned that admitting to the silly and sinful things that we sometimes do only makes us more appealing to the rest of the mortals on this planet? Well, at least to the ones worth knowing, anyway. Don't you DARE take that post off - obviously Crash hasn't seen it yet because I know FOR A FACT that she would be ROFLing over it too. Where is that girl, anyway? Sick again? Death by MIL? I miss her. :(

April said...

Sandi...that is why we are friends. You are honest! You say it how it is, yet in such a nice and apologetic way. It's awesome!!!

T said...

Sandi - you've given me such a good idea for the next time I have family visiting - don't you dare remove your comment... you can admit to anything short of a felony HERE among friends!

Funny Farmer said...

You can admit a felony too! Just make sure the statute of limitations has expired. hee hee

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hi Everyone. LISA was RIGHT! I totally LOVED the Jury Duty story. It's hysterical. You're my idol.

Love you all. Gotta jet cause I'm still in the parking lot looking like a loser.

Sandi said...

Okay I will leave the comment. thanks for the kind words- I can only hope you are laughing with me, not at me! I hope it has inspired you all to new heights of creativity when it comes to ditching the IL's..
April.......Don't tell Dave!!