Thursday, December 18, 2008


Before I tell you about my day I need to clarify something.  I don't mind sleeping for you and eating for you and getting some sun for you, but I absolutely will NOT be able to exercise for you. 

Sorry guys.  I hope you're not mad at me. 
I should have made it clear that for only $9.95 a month I will do ALMOST anything for my friends.  

And friends, I must confess that all these brilliant ideas I've had while chilling in Maui are beginning to take their toll on me. I'm so busy sleeping for all of you that I barely have time to make the cake batter for the blog-a-thon or design my stupid party-partially-naked-and-fully-clothed-t-shirts-and-tatoos.    

Actually, after what happened today, I don't even want to make those t-shirts and tatoos anymore. 

I had another nudity encounter.  I mean, WE had another nudity encounter.  

This time it was WAY worse because it was not FAD (from a distance) it was WCP (within close proximity) and it wasn't funny at all because it was a Hawaiian tropic super duper model and she was UBER beautiful and UBER liberated as she sat on the shoreline meditating and doing all sorts of sunshine serenades.  

She wasn't totally nude, just nude from the top of her long dark hair to her hip bones.  From her hip bones down she was sporting a flimsy, flowy, filmy sarong which made her look like a mystical mermaid as she dove into the water like Ariel minus the coconut bra.  


Hawaiian tropic mystical mermaids PD-ing their PN are like EM.  

Translation:  HTMM's publicly displaying their partial nudity are like eye magnets.  

I would say eye candy, but I just don't feel like it.  

So my boys were doing some synchronized snorkeling at the time  and I was hoping they wouldn't notice, but when they popped out of the water . . . SURPRISE!  

Yea, they noticed, since she was kinda invading our space.  

They were like "Ooooh nasty!"  which isn't exactly the same thing as  "Ewwww nasty!" 

This time I just couldn't bring myself to give them the nudity is natural (and funny) speech.  

Then one of my twins said "Maui WOWIE!"  

And no, he didn't think of that himself.  He plagiarized that line from his dad.  MmmmHmmm.  

And then his dad (notice, I didn't say my husband) said "Take a picture!" 

I know I've boasted before about how obedient I am, but I lied, okay.  I WAS NOT ABOUT to take a picture of THAT.  I'm already feeling insecure about my OAI (over-apparel issues). 

So yea, I'm feeling like a prudish overdressed old lady right now. 

To make matters worse . . . there was no public restroom at the beach park.  There are no public restrooms on Maui.  And I'm a prudish overdressed old lady who can't go 4 hours straight without a trip to the old ladies room.   

I really wanted to drive down the road to look for an old ladies room, but I couldn't just up and leave all the men in my life to stare themselves silly at the naked HTMM eye candy.  

You know what I'm talking about right, ladies?  Right Stephen? Right Cajoh?  Right OBG? (Don't answer that, any of you, you hear me?)

So I held my horses. 

Here's a picture:  
Here I am faking a smile and holding my horses and feeling insecure about my over apparel, even though I'm sporting my new I-wanna-be-your-cowgirl hat and acting like I'm chillaxing.

Notice my son's face. This is my son who inspires my trademark "hee hee" laugh. He's actually saying "hee hee" as this photo is being snapped.  I know you can hear it because I know you know I know you know what he's looking at.

So FINALLY the lovely HTMM makes her spectacular exit and I dash truly, madly, deeply for the car and drive about 5 miles up the road until I finally find an outhouse which I enthusiastically embrace. But in my careless gleeful haste somehow the car keys, our life line on Maui, escape from my fingers and descend in the general direction of outer darkness.

Imagine my HORROR! Imagine me trying to explain myself to my husband and IL's and children. 

Imagine me not being able to explain myself to my husband and IL's and children because in my haste to dash away dash away dash away all I didn't bring a cell phone to call them to explain myself to them.  

Imagine the whole lot of us walking along the highway 20 miles back to the condo up hill both ways in the snow. 

Imagine me plugging my nose and sticking my hand into outer darkness in a desperate housewife attempt to retrieve the car keys so my husband wouldn't spend the whole night wishing he was married to an UBER beautiful partially naked mermaid. 

Imagine all of this racing through my brain as in   .  .  .  s l o w     m o t i o n    

I close my legs .  .  .

and the keys get caught in my knickers.

HALLELUJAH for clothes!

Can I get an AMEN!

P.S.  My cousin Sewl (Emily) is in the finals at Shelle's.  Go vote for her!  A vote for Sewl is a vote for Cewl. 

P.S.S.  Miss Heidi thinks I didn't post yesterday, but I did! I did!  Miss Heidi, look down there? Right below the comment box.  If you didn't read yesterday's post, (or the day before's) you might not get this post.  

P.S.S.S.  Miss Heidi, I'm reading your book in between the naps and the nudity and I'm loving it. 


Jen said...

Still laughing...


And wondering if you REALLY would have gone in after the keys...

And what the heck - are you waiting for me to log on before you post? I feel so special. I mean, I knew you cared, but WOW. We are on the same blogging wavelength. It's amazing.

Susan said...

You look GREAT holding your horses. And fully clothed. Apparel usually speaks class.

The Rogers Family said...

Nice catch. I busted up laughing and then Esly, who was getting ready for work, wanted me to explain what made me laugh. I quickly found out I don't know how to say outhouse, outer darkness, and hawaiian tropic topless mermaid in spanish. I hope the outhouse toilet paper at least or entertaining graffiti on the walls. Hang loose. Stephen

I am LoW said...

Amen!!! :-)

Word verification- abless

How rude!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

oops..Annabelle deleted my first post.

Oh my gosh!!!! I think this may be one of my favorite posts. Not because you told everyone to go vote for me (I'll send the $20 today...jeez, get off my back) but because it was freakin HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!Girl- you can write like nobodies business :)Oh and you are so stinkin hot...look at you in your cute hat. You don't need to worry about that friggin mermaid ;)

Barbaloot said...

My favorite is how you use all your acronyms, and still explain them. I'm not sure...but I feel like that may defeat the initial purpose...?

Jami said...

My imagination is overwhelmed. I may be scarred forever.

Jami said...

Oh and nice catch.

T said...


although I was having a hard time taking the femininity out of your son's "hee hee"... you've adopted it so well!

My word verification is typnurg... should I be offended?

Sandi said...

I hate Mermaids with all my heart. I cannot believe all of the adventures you have! Was the FIL saying hee hee as well? I can't wait to hear what comes next. What a dedicated blogger you are, keeping us entertained on your vacation!
p.s. Kute Kasey made it home and she is not tanned at all....haha

Kristina P. said...

And this is why we haven't done anything about the naked neighbors. Because they are attractive! It's not wrong to look at naked people if they are hot, right?

CaJoh said...

I would have suggested "toilet-tree", but I'm sure there aren't any tree stumps in Maui either.

Good catch!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay I'm totally on the OKAY to look at HOT people naked Kristina...but NOT when you are with YOUR man or YOUR boys...its enough to make ANY girl blush and hope for the mermaid goddess to turn around and smile a horribly yellow tooth, gaped, twisted, and crooked smile.

That would be enough for me...

I think.

Anyway, nice save, because I was going to have to have a FULL post on Outhouse etiquette...since I am the etiquette GURU!

Not taking your keys in there is in the top three...along with not taking your cell phone in, and making sure to put toilet paper down on the seat before you actually do your business.


Heidi Ashworth said...

You have "holding my horses" written all over your face. Thanks for the awesome post! I was starting to worry when there was no post yesterday. I thought that perhaps something bad had happened to you, like, dropping your keys into outer darkness thereby forcing you to walk 20 miles back to your condo uphill both ways in the snow which clearly would make it difficult to pop out a post like this. Phew! Good thing you dodged that bullet (a brilliant euphemism for cathing 'em in your knickers, if I do say so myself!)

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

For the love of knickers. That was a close one. And all I can say is hee hee hee heeeeee.
Maybe you should take extra large t-shirts with you at all times. I don't imagine anyone would be offended by you asking them to cover up for the sake of your men folk?

Smart Helm said...

Outer Darkness? That's great. So glad u caught them!

What awful ordeals for u while snorkeling, sleeping, reading, and relaxing in Hawaii... Girl, I feel for u!

Funny Farmer said...

I was already snickering and smiling hugely at your oh-so-clever post (which I don't believe half of, btw), and then I completely lost it with first Jami and then Kristina's comments! THBFOCROFLMAO

I love you guys!!!!

"stormen" I hope that's not a bad omen that will ruin your Maui vacay!

April said...

Oh my goodness!!!! I am typing this with one hand because my other hand is still over my mouth in horror at the thought of those keys falling into outer darkness!!! My hand would never be clean enough if I had to retrieve those keys! GREAT reflexes!!!! boys would be blind folded the whole trip along with my hubby and I would be leading them along by rope with all that nudity going on there! I have enough trouble keeping the girls away from my youngest and vice versa as it is!!! Go have some mango cheesecake for me....will ya? =)

Tiffany said...

I am so relieved you did not have to plunge you hand into outer darkness. What a relief to know that those trusty clothes saved you again.

Super funny!!!

Mariko said...

I really am going to die of laughter, right now.
You should be on vacation all the time. I am so jealous of you and your funny.
Something just occurred to me. You went to Maui, WITHOUT YOUR DAUGHTER!
Wow. Sucks to be her. That or you got a body double to do her performance on Tuesday.

OldBoatGuy said...

Where is that nude beach in Maui?????

Funny Farmer said...


:dies of embarrassment:

"artisti" - nudists are artists?

Melanie J said...

I call tap tap on the word chillaxin. I totally forgot that I love that word and I'm appropriating it now. But you can keep the nudies for yourself.

nevadanista said...

I was going to write TS (that sucks), but then your prudish knickers saved the day - hooray!!! Excellent post, btw!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Aloha everyone!

Yay, JEN, for chillaxing on the same bloglengths as me in Maui. I'm just trying to make sure you get a break from your kitchen.

Hi Susan! I've missed you. In fact I miss all of you. I'm so sorry I haven't been making my blog rounds lately. I'm barely getting my posts out in between all my naps. I will be back, I pinky promise!

Yea Stephen, I'm so happy I could stump the spanish!

Emily, THANKS. I need $20 right now. And CONGRATS! YOU WON!

Sandi, you're so lucky that Kute Kasey is home! CONGRATS! Have fun fun fun! (That's what my grandma always says.) I can't wait to see my kute daughter again.

Yes, Mariko, my kute daughter had to stay back because she had to perform some script for your class! Thanks a lot for breaking up the family.

Kristina, you're so right. And Shelle YOU are SO RIGHT too! Thanks for the outhouse etiquette lesson. I'll remember that next time I'm about to drop my car keys into outer darkness.

Miss Heidi, I did POST, I DID post! I did. I did. I did.

Smarthelm. Thank you so much for your sympathy. It's so true what you say. Vacationing is super stressful.

Apryle, my hand was over my mouth in horror at the thought too. We are so much alike.

OBG I can't believe you embarrassed funny farmer like that! Sheesh. I told you not to say anything.

All the rest of you, HI! So happy to see you at the end of a hard day of having fun in the sun. Thanks for stopping by. Gotsta go BBQ.


Calidore said...

See? That's skill...talent...a gift. Underclothing have such a range of purpose...hee..hee.