Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Vampire Lub

I saw the new vampire movie . . .

But before we get into that, let's get through the small talk, shall we?

Is it just me or was that the longest 4th of July ever?

Not complaining though; I missed the entire celebration because I spent the weekend at the magic cabin watching home movies and building fires and reading Shakespeare.

I would marry Shakespeare if he asked me. I just have a feeling he would get me, you know. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get him, but I bet it would be worth all the wherefore art thous.

Is it bad that Shakespeare is the first person I want to meet when I die? (After Jackie Robinson.) If Shakespeare can't be there I hope he sends Hamlet. (Preferably the Mel Gibson version of Hamlet.)

Anyways, I don't know why I'm enjoying the magic cabin so much as of late. It might be because I'm suffering from PVSS (post vacation stress syndrome)--(I can't even think about cookie salad without getting anxiety.)

I didn't used to appreciate the restorative qualities of the magic cabin this much. Perhaps I just wasn't looking on the bright side. I was seeing things all wrong. I know it's hard to believe, but there was a time when I actually thought these rock people perched on the mantle were creepy.

And this vacuum . . . don't even get me started about his vacuum.

Don't get me wrong, there were times I appreciated the magic cabin very much. Like after the Homecoming dance when my hub kissed me with great enthusiasm on this couch.

Little did I know that in 25 years I would be sitting in front of this fireplace suffering from PVSS, fantasizing about Shakespeare and making tinfoil dinners for his children.

And his dog.

But how cute is she???

Don't you just want to eat her???

Me too!!!!

But anyways . . . I saw the new vampire movie . . .Not of my own free will and choice, but of my mom's free will and choice. She will deny it, but she kidnapped both me and my daughter and forced us into the theater at gunpoint.

She also forced me at gunpoint to watch New Moon before I saw Eclipse.

FYI: There are good times and bad times to watch New Moon.

After midnight and a spat with your spouse, that's a good time.

Before dinner and that spat with your spouse, not such a good time--especially if you're flagging photos for the girls camp slide show. And you're in the company of three 11-year-old boys. Most 11-year-old boys are not shy about voicing their views on stupid vampire movies. Besides, there's something about the light of day, with dinner and a slide show on your mind, that makes werewolves and vampires seem irrelevant.

But after midnight, and a good scolding from your spouse, werewolves and vampires seem perfectly plausible, almost enticing.

Human men just don't get it, you know. Not like paranormal men.

"You have no idea how sick and tired I am of going to the grocery store!" I said to my hub while he was scolding me.

"Then stop going so much," he said.

(Gee whiz Wally, why didn't I think of that?)

You know what he said when I told him how sick and tired I am of driving the kids to and fro from thingie to thingie? He told me I need to be better at organizing carpools.

Edward would never tell me to be better at organizing carpools. Edward would be the carpool.

(Why why why didn't this enter my mind while my hub was kissing me enthusiastically after the Homecoming dance?)

Speaking of carpools, last Thursday night at 10:45 p.m. my hub informed me that I needed to have my 14-year-old son in Salt Lake by 8 a.m. the next morning for two basketball games. It was a good time to tell me this because everyone knows that between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. are the best hours to arrange a carpool.

The next morning when my hub opened the fridge he said, "There's no milk for cereal?"

I put on my best Betty Boop face and said, "But you said . . . "

He had to eat his words for breakfast.

Luckily you don't need milk to eat your words for breakfast.

So, anyways, yeah, I highly recommend picking a fight with your spouse before seeing either New Moon or Eclipse. Especially if your spouse thinks paranormal romance is unrealistic. (Like I said before, human men just don't get it.)

I told my hub that the only thing unrealistic about Eclipse is Bella's hair. Apparently Jacob cut his hair off in New Moon and gave it to Bella to wear during Eclipse. Good intention, but bad bad hair movie.

Despite the bad hair, Stephanie Myer poured a whole lot of corn starch into the plot and thickened it right up so now I'm totally on board the Twhylight train. After that spat with my spouse, I finally get the moral of the story. Stephanie Myer is trying to tell the world that reality bites.

Get it? Bites?

And lub sucks.

Get it? Get it? Get it? Lub sucks?

Except vampire lub. Vampire lub doesn't suck.

Neither does Shakespeare lub. Or puppy lub.

Speaking of puppy lub, in that Mennonite in a Little Black Dress memoir, Rhoda Janzen says that when you really love someone their quirks don't bother you, but if you only like them a lot they start driving you nuts.

Ain't that just the truth? I once didn't marry a guy because every time he ate a popsicle I wanted to poke his eyes out.

My puppy, on the other hand . . . I LUB ME SOME LULU!

She has bad breath and she gets me all dog-hairy. When she runs through our creek, and then through the house, she gets me all wet-dog-hairy. She eats and regurgitates socks. She snubs her dog food, but she doesn't snub her poop. Or her regurgitation.

But I LUB it! I LUB it all!

Bring it on, hairy, stinky, pooping, regurgitating puppy o' mine!

I think you're PERFECT!


Jenny P. said...

I saw the movie too. It's funny cause I read the books and I liked em when I read em. But when I see the movie... see things acted out, I'm SO much of a cynic. I just can't seem to get over the entire ridiculousness of the an angst ridden teenager being loved by a vampire and a werewolf. I don't know. Can something be good and yet completely ridiculous all at the same time?

TisforTonya said...

that "puppy" is obviously getting a lot of nutrition from her chosen foods... gross as they may be.

Haven't seen the movie yet - like MommyJ the film versions are bring out the snark in me :)

& I personally lub those little Easter Island Rock guys on the mantle - very cabin chic

The Songer said...

Reading todays post made me jealous of you! Really... cant pin point exactly what it was... maybe the fact that you have puppy that loves you unconditionally... or the awesome cabin to retreat to (i swear you should call the pickers from the history channel, they would go nuts over your vaccuum).... or the fact that you have a life! haha!

...and your right, human men just dont get it! Havent seen the movie yet.. maybe this week, i really havent been too excited to see it, maybe cause book 3 is the book i disliked reading the most.... but while i read s.m. books i was trying to figure out what she was really saying about herself and her personal life too...didnt figure it out, all i know is that what ever she was going through to end up writing those books, i hope i never go through!

See Mom Smile said...

Okay I think we met at CBC and I am just getting around to actually coming to your blog. I like to play hard to get like that. I lub your blog at first site. I am with you %100. Mortal men do not get it. Edward would be carpool KING and the only mammal who unconditionally loves me is my Westie. I can forget to feed him and he will still sleep with me. It is nice to meet you. I will be back.

amber_mtmc said... kissed your future husband with "great enthusiasm" after the homecoming dance? Sounds pretty risque to me.

If only all of us would think about the future a little bit more when enthusiastically kissing our dates. Sigh.

Still. Nothing better than picking a fight and watching a vampire love movie! Perfect!

And Lulu is adorable. The best way to end this post.

Anjeny said...

You know Deb..I think Kev & Al have been communicating in private because I could've sworn those were the very same words he threw at me every time I said the very thing you said. I like your idea on the timing of vampire movie watching. I think when the next vampire movie comes out, I'm going to make sure I have a big spat with the hub so I can thoroughly enjoy the movie and even make a holiday out of going to the movie...LOL.

Looking at your puppy love, I'm feeling sorry for your poor Al(LOL)...seems like his Human man love is being replaced by your puppy love(LOL).

val of the south said...

WOW your pup's getting big!!! I'm so glad babies don't grow that fast.

Are you now back from all your travels for a while? 'Cause one of us is desperately needing a girls day at IKEA...or anywhere for that matter :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Val, I know. Can you believe how freakin' big she is? I can't carry her around like a baby anymore. Val, how about Friday for IKEA? We should tell Jillybean.

Anjeny!!!!! My girl!!!! So happy to see you. I've been thinking of you. Don't be fooled, my hub is as crazy in lub with Lulu as I am.

You and Iwa and Swirl and Martha should go see the movie. I liked it but maybe because I haven't read it. I was surprised by how much I liked Jacob. I felt so sorry for him. When you go think of my daughter slouched down in the seat squirming and covering her eyeballs during all the steamy kissing scenes. hee hee

Amber, hee hee, you are so cute. It would be risque by todays Mormon standards. No one kisses around these parts, let alone enthusiastically, but at the time it seemed like the thing to do. ;)

See Mom Smile, I remember you. You were the pretty one. I haven't gotten to visit all my new CBC friend's blogs either, and I don't even like to play hard to get. ;) I'm easy to get. I will come by soon.

Iwa, you must be living with your parents right now. Am I right, or am I right? And you're struggling with your to move, or not to move decision. It's a space issue. That's why you think I have a life beyond cookie salad. You're right about the magic cabin though. It's keeping me sane. Hey, go see the movie. But don't forget to pick a fight first. :) I liked it.

T, you are a silly goose. I have missed you, you silly goose.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Iwa and Mommy J raise very deep questions worth addressing.

Mommy J asks is something completely ridiculous can be good. I'm going to say yes. Sometimes. Depending on what time of day it is and how well you're getting along with your spouse.

I'm not kidding. Context is everything. And sometimes you have to read the underlying metaphors--reality bites.

I personally favor non-fiction because I'm a reality girl, but I can suspend disbelief as well as any romantic.

Iwa, I thought the same thing while watching both New Moon and Eclipse. The whole story is full of tortured souls. It's a major major conflict. As an English teacher I could analyze the story using some literary criticism. If I chose biographical criticism I would assume that SM has a tortured soul. Conflicted to the core. I bet her hub has scolded her a few times about her money management skills. Or we could chose psychological criticism, which asserts that every book is written from either a wish or a fear. I bet she wishes the human lub was more like paranormal lub.

Welcome to the Garden of Egan said...

I'm glad to know you lub doggy drool and have puppy lub cuz it doesn't sound like you are getting any other lub.

Anjeny said...

Aww Crash...I've missed you. Sorry I haven't been around much...I've been on a bit of a break from the blogging world.

My daughters and I went on opening night & watched Eclipse at the Laie theater. (I wrote a post about it today)

I actually like this Eclipse better than New Moon. I thought that Jacob was such a baby who needs to grow up and that Bella was a freakin' two timing twit..ahahah. I think Edward carried himself really well this time, of course, he has to since he's over a 100 years old. But other than that, I actually had a great time at the movies...well, I had more fun teasing my girls since they were practically drooling all over Jacob..LOL.

Did ur daughter go see the movie too? She would be right to squirm at all the kissing scene esp. right after Bella kissed Edward, she went and kissed Jacob..gee, who does that?

Barbaloot said...

But I don't have a spouse to have a spat with before seeing Eclipse. Do I have to wait until I do?!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha Barb! No, you don't have to wait. Instead of wishing human romance was like vampire romance, you can just hope. The movie will serve to help you set a standard for your spouse to live up to in the future.

Anjeny, didn't you get the point of the movie? You can love more than one person at the same time.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Anjeny, I meant to put a little smiley face after that comment. ;)

Garden, ALOHA! Please tell me I'm not the only one who ain't gettin much lub. But it's hard to lub a stone cold heart.

Braden Bell said...

There is a sort of Shakespearean-worthy significance to the fact that the couch where you kissed enthusiastically is the place where 25 years later you are making foil dinners for the progeny.

Cluttered Brain said...

hey you...
Yeah YOU...Crash..I missed ya!
I was wondering where you were...:)))

CElebrating the 4th and reading shakespeare and letting your dog get his salt intake for the day *IE licking your face* :D

I missed you!
I have not seen Eclipse yet I will, soon, but I am a total Jacob fan. I think he could arrange carpools just fiiiiine...:)))

Glad you are BACK!!! Have you even checked out my blog yet since CBC?
Sure Sure, i check you out, cause everyone says check this crash girl out and you haven't visited yet...oh wait a min I think you have...But you still haven;t seen me dance to the Tequila song...That's on my blog now...:)))

Have a nice night Crash!!
Enjoy yourself some puppy lub and hub lub!!!

I'm a cat person myself..:)) But your dog is super cutey patootie

I am LoW said...

Your puppy sure is getting big. :)

Saw the movie today. Still trying to decide how I feel about it. But Bella did have great hair.

cfoxes33 said...

You make me laught sooooo much!

Unknown said...

Ever since I had a certain female surgical procedure I started sprouting chin hairs and my voice dropped half an octave. And now my complete and utter bewilderment over the whole Twhyohwhylight craze confirms what I have long feared:

I am, apparently, a human male.


Martha said...

Aloha from Poohaili Street!!! Do you remember having to spell Naniloa to everyone? No way will anyone know how to pronounce or spell our new street. We have moved. We are no longer townhousers. It's very sad. This house is tiny. All our stuff is under an easy corner because it won't fit in the house. That means we are now true Laie-ans. Our kitchen is not done. We ate L&L's tonight. We put in rice before we picked up the order and Rach forgot to press the button. Everyone was so mad. Mainly we are sick of working. But for the last 3 nights we ate at friends' houses. It is good to have friends.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Awwww, Martha, that makes me sad to think of you guys all jam crammed into that tiny pink house, exhausted and without a kitchen or rice. I thought of you over the weekend. It's definitely good to have friends. And you, of all people, have more than your fair share of friends. Can't believe you're not in the hood anymore. We watched home movies all weekend of the good ole' days in the hood.

DeNae, hahahahahah You made me laugh out loud. I'm sorry I had to be the one to inspire the epiphany.


LoW, wait, Bella had BAD BAD hair. Wig hair!

Cluttered Brain, THANKS girlfriend! For missing me. I need to stop by your blog and see you dance.

Braden, you of all people can appreciate the Shakespearean significance in that story. The ironicity, as my hub would say. hee hee

Kazzy said...

At gunpoint or with my mom and sister--- these are the tow ways I could justify going to that movie.

I love your reference to the Mel Gibson Hamlet. teehee

Sandi said...

well now I'm kind of confused because Low says good hair, you say bad hair- don't tell me I'm going to have to break down and see the darn thing so I can decide for myself..?
Danae's comment cracked me up..hahaha

Mariko said...

You are so brave to put your face close to that. And your face in front of a vampire lub movie. I've been fantasizing about making a movie where everything that Bella should have done would happen. Now THAT would be a great movie.
And I would definitely be getting some parental supervision in her life.
The WV is banuna. So appropriate.

Amber Lynae said...

Yeah I had to explain to a teenage male that every author is aloud to create their own take and paranormal creatures. He wants to take away the free speech of authors who think vampires sparkle.

The funny thing is that vampire legend didn't always say anything about the sun aversion and all that. So let people write there stories. I told him he didn't have to like the stories, but they are allowed to exist. I'm still not sure if he is allowed to exist though. Cousins.... Geez they can be so silly sometimes

The Songer said...

haha! it struck again.... it also has opinion about the tortured soul of SM!