Benjamin Buttars and Wolfgang

Nevada, this one's for you, girlfriend:

Nevada wasn't the only one who noted that my student, Benjamin Buttars would make a better glittery vampire than Edward. (I added the glittery part because BB despises glittery vampires.)

If you look closely at his face you can see it shimmering.

(he he he)

Imagine me breaking out into an evil mad scientist laugh as I made BB's face sparkle against his will.

I never noticed it before, but Nevada has a point.

If you look closely you can almost imagine Benjamin Buttars sitting in class being repelled by the scent of true love.

Look at him struggling to resist his conflicting impulses. Should he turn and run from love? Or should he take a bite out of it?

But who does he love? Is it the lovely Jasmine seated next to him? She is muy muy bonita, afterall.


No! It is the lovely April sitting across from him. (Sorry Jasmine. Blondes really do have more fun, trust me.)

Now scroll back and watch him struggle.

He he he

(I should have been an evil mad scientist instead of an evil mad English teacher.)

What will Benjamin Buttars do? Can he control himself for love?


Nope.


But will he and April still live happily ever after?


Or will Jacob come between them?

(That dude's name isn't really Jacob, it's Justin.)

Real life is an awful lot like movie life if you ask me.

And guess what else Benjamin Buttars is in real life?

A ROCK STAR!

He's got a band and he's going to share his music with us. But first you'll have to sleep over in my comment box waiting for the ticket booth to open. (Didn't I tell you guys my students were V.I.P.'s?)

And here's one more weird Benjamin Buttars story with a Wolfgang twist:

Next week BB is going to New York for a journalism conference so I'm like, "you oughta go see Les Miserables on Broadway since we'll be reading it next month."

And you know what he says to me? He says, "I've seen Les Miserables on Broadway many times."

So I'm like, "Oh yea, well I bet you haven't seen it more times than me. I've seen it six times! TOP THAT Benjamin Button!"

And you know what he says to me? He says, "Oh yea, well I played Jean Val Jean during my summer stock theater days. TOP THAT Dummy!"

Guess what popped into my head as soon as he said that?

Wolfgang.

I had a vision of Wolfgang pushing Jean Val Jean down the stairs. Isn't it weird how life plays itself out backwards and upside down and sideways?

Do you think Wolfgang was foreshadowing his own Benjamin Buttars envy?

Just in case, I hereby declare Benjamin Buttars ineligible to compete in the I-double-dog-dare-you-to-steal-my-heart-from-Wolfgang-contest.

It wouldn't be fair to put a tremendous Austrian up against a summer stock Jean Val Jean/glittery vampire/rock star.

No doubt Wolfgang would push him down the stairs.

So do you want to see the first finalist in the contest?

It was a tough choice.

I was going to pick Kyle Kyle, but he fell asleep.

And then I was going to choose Emma because she wears tie dye and because she was born with a tooth in her mouth, which has gotta be some kind of omen, don't you think? But Emma is almost as mouthy as Kyle. The first thing she says every day when I walk into class is "Can we cancel class? Can we? Can we? Can we? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can we go home? Huh? Can we NOT take this quiz? Can we NOT do this assignment?"

So I've decided the first finalist will be Raphael. He used to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and he's a French beat boxer. (I'm hoping French beat boxing is more romantic than Americn beat boxing because boxing isn't my favorite violent sport.)

My Early a.m. Rock Stars!

Okay, where was I before I got all self-reflective over whoppers and crock pots and rated R movies?

Oh, yes, I was cleaning my house, (which means I was doing sudoku).

Do you have any idea what it's like to do a dozen sudoku puzzles in a row when you should be scrubbing toilets? I've never tripped out on LSD but I imagine this is about as close as you can get to blowing your mind. I kid you not, the right side of your brain starts tweaking and for a split second you feel like you're on the verge of solving all the mysteries of the universe.

You should try it sometime when you get bored.


But where was I before I was tweaking out on sudoku?


Oh, yes, I was going to introduce you to my early morning class.

WARNING: they're smart and they're beautiful and they're talented. And they've got sass--a bit to much sass if you ask me--but that's how smart, beautiful, talented people roll.

FTR, deep down I think of them all as ROCK STARS (even though they're annoying).

Do you want to see what a bunch of annoying rock stars look like?

The most annoying thing about SBT people is that they can get mouthy. And pokey. They're always poking me in the eye.

Especially after I defended Twilight when they said it the worst movie ever.

Alls I said was, "I liked it!" and "that vampire was smokin' hot!" and WOW, did they go off on me. I was blind for a week.

Apparently SBT people don't love smokin' hot vampires.

Especially this dude:

This is Benjamin Buttars, but I call him Benjamin Button because he looks younger and younger every time I see him.

And this is April.

Benjamin Button and April are in love. At least they pretend to be. And then sometimes they pretend not to be. It's very perplexing. They laugh in my face whenever I get confused about it.

This is Bobby--my Ellen Hopkins book dealer.


He says they don't just laugh in my face, they also laugh behind my back because Benjamin Button and April aren't even going out anymore.

But think about it, you don't have to be going out to be in love. And mark my words, they're in love. I may be dumb, but I've got eyes.

That's what I'm tualkin' about!


This is Kyle.



I call him Kyle Kyle and not because he's so nice you have to say his name twice. His mom should have named him Mary Mary because he's quite contrary. Not only does he hate smokin' hot vampire movies, he thinks everything I ask him to read or write or do is superfluous miscellany. We seriously get into fist fights after class all the time because he feels the need to remind me he already PASSED out of this class in P.R.O.V.O. and he's only taking it again to be a thorn in my side.


This is the look Kyle gives me whenever I ask him to do something.

Kyle Kyle is so contrary that one time I had to put on my red cape and stretchy pants and use my Eagle Powers on him in front of the whole class.

In my defense, I warned him first.

I said "Kyle Kyle, if you don't stop asking me why or Is this really necessary? . . .

and if you don't stop telling the class a good wife should shave her legs every day . . .

and if you don't stop telling me that you DON'T LOVE Tim O'Brien and The Things They Carried . . .

and if you don't stop telling me that blogging is lam-o . . .

I swear, young man, I'm going to put on my stretchy pants and smack you around!"

But he didn't listen.


(And I thought Wolfgang was bad.)

So now I'm making Kyle read Tim O'Brien until he shouts "I LOVE IT!"

That's what my husband would have done.

My husband is the best I-LOVE-IT-Motivational-Speaker ever. He really should live in a van down by the river because he is even better than Chris Farley at tricking you into loving things you thought you hated. (But that's a whole-nother post).

Speaking of whole-nother posts . . . this post is pooping me out. I've gotsta go take a nap.

Can I introduce you to the rest of my rock star class in my next post?

Okay, one more. I'll end with my favorite students.

J/K. Teachers don't play favorites.

But if I was going to play favorites . . .



Okay, these guys aren't actually in my class, but they would definitely be my favorites if they were.

How Superstars Learn English

This morning I got the following love note in my comment box from Nevadanista:

What the helk? No new post?

Are you okay?

Oh Nevada, you silly goose. I'm fine, but mahalo for asking/noticing/fretting.

I really didn't want to tell you guys this, but since you brought it up . . .

and don't take this the wrong way . . .

I have other people in my life besides you guys.

Are you mad?

I'm not trying to break up . . . (ahem) . . . and I hope we can still be friends . . .

It's just that besides entertaining you guys, (and famous people), (and the mop and the broom and the vacuum) I've been entertaining THESE guys:

And I've been entertaining other people too--VIP people who I've been meaning to introduce you to for quite some time. And some of them are extremely antsy to meet you. In fact one of them is threatening to walk out of my class if I don't post this photo of him ASAP! I'm tempted to call his bluff, but what the helk, here's the photo:


This is Justin, but we call him Juice Box.

Juice Box is in my night class. He dropped everything to come to Hawaii this semester with his best friend, Jordan who needed to high tail it out of his life for a spell.

The universe then led them to my class for no apparent reason, except maybe to teach me patience, or to teach them that charm alone can't get you through English 201 when your teacher has a stone cold heart.

This is Jordan:

And this is how Jordan looks at me everytime I tell him I have a stone cold heart.

And this is how Juice looks at me when I tell him to pay attention.

"I'm texting!" he says.

And guess who he's texting?

Me.

He texts me smiley faces during class to try to melt my stone cold heart, but it doesn't work. In fact, I accidentally lost my phone for 2 week just because of him.

Don't let him melt your stone cold hearts either because you can't believe a thing he says. If he tells you he's French on the first day of class just laugh in his face because he doesn't even know how to say pick your nose in French. (Even I know that and I'm Hawaiian.)

The only thing that sorta kinda defrosted my heart towards him is when he told the class about the day when he was 10 years old and his mom got a phone call that his father had been killed in a plane crash.

(I would never tell him this, but that made my eyes sweat.)

But enough about Juice, let me introduce you to the rest of my amazing students. My students ROCK so hard this semester. I seriously would love to have their autographs (even if I have to forge them myself) because they are such superstars!

I'll start with my night class and I'll introduce you to my morning class tomorrow.

Ama is from Ghana. I'll never forget the look on her face when she started understanding Hamlet.

Adam was in Suessical the Musical and I laughed so hard at him my throat hurt for a week. (And Adam's grandpa lives next door to my grandma.  We're trying to set them up so we can be related.)

These boys are from England so that's why they bring Swords and wear court jester hats to class. (Oh wait, Bryce is from Texas).

And don't tell. That's what they say in Texas.

These are the girlz. Navi (I like to call her Navy) is from Cambodia and she's majoring in math (eww).

Alexis is from South Dakota. She's the only person in the world who has ever left South Dakota (that's what she said) and think about it . . . how many people have you ever met from South Dakota?  See what I mean?

And there is Sitha, every teacher's dream student because she smiles at me during the entire class period.

And Ariel, who you can barely see in the back is buddies with Kai Kalama (American Idol top 36!)

This is Ashley and she wrote thee most heelarious Nacho Libre-esque Hamlet translation ever! (Soul Sistahs!)

This is Somaly, but I've never seen the guy she's with before or since. (Which is why I wrote on his face.) I think Somaly dragged him to class to see if he could help her win the Hamlet debate (and to whisper sweet nothings in his ear).

This is Nara from Korea. She's shy and quiet but she's the only girl in the class who admitted that sometimes . . . oops, wait, what happens in class, stays in class.

This is Kacey. She's not THEE Kute Kasey, but she is extremely kute and she shares my passion for Nacho Libre so she's got an automatic A.

This is Viri from Fiji and she is just drop dead gorgeous inside and out.

Tenealle is the baby of one of my college friends, which makes me feel uber old. That's why I don't like Tenealle, even though she's extremely likable.

And This is J-Boy the Samoan, and Suli the Tongan.  Isn't it sweet to see a Somoan and a Tongan sitting side by side without any ire? 

(Wait, is Suli pinching J-Boy?) 

btw, Suli is Kute Kasey's fiance and Sandi's soon to be SIL. (And if you want to see a photo of him with his shirt off you'll have to go to her blog because I have my boundaries.)

The best thing about taking a night class is you have 3 hours together on a Tuesday night. 

Sooooo, when we get bored . . . we just turn on some American Idol.

And that, my friends, is how superstars learn English!

(P.S.  One of my superstars was late for picture day.  Sorry Sheldon).

Are you keeping the girly code?

Mariko told me I should write something new--as opposed to glamming up something old--for publication in the college literary magazine here at BYU-H.

NO, Mariko, NO!

I need to finish 40 essays and topic proposals TODAY. Plus my brain is clogged with History Day details because both my daughter and my son are performing on Saturday for the district competition.

Do you guys know what a performance requires? Props, set, costumes, practice and lots and lots of chips and salsa.

HOWEVER, I do have a stash of fresh unseen material in my draft box.

Guess how many stinkin' drafts I have in that stinkin' box?

54!

(What the what?) Most of them are total junk, so I tossed them, but I did find about 10 nearly complete posts that are worthy of hitting the front page today.

I might as well post some of them while I'm waiting for the plumber to come unclog my brain.

Which one do you want first? The one with the actions shots of my MIL swatting a fly? Or the one of my husband diagnosing my Attention Deficit Domestic Disorder? Or how about the one where I show you why I'm so lucky to live Laie?

(I may hold off on that one until spring seeing as some of you are sensative to sunshine right now and I am sensative to getting smacked around in my comment box.)

I think I will post the one about the girly code today. Let's see if you're keeping the girly code.

This post was practically plagiarized from my students (past and present). I didn't even embellish a single line.

(btw, I've been dying to tell you all about my students this semester because they are so uber awesome. I have photos to prove it.)

Today, however, you'll have to settle for their collective oddity.

This post was originally written on October 8th while reading A Doll's House with my Fall semester class. Since I am now reading A Doll's House with my winter semester class, it seems fitting:


10/8/08

Are you keeping the girly code?

This morning my twins were going to a birthday party. I didn't have any wrapping paper so we had to wrap their gifts with white tissue paper and lime green ribbon.

"It looks so girly!" said the first twin.

"What can we do to make it look more manly?" I said.

"Fart on it," said the second twin.

(ooooh, I hate that word).

But my boys love it.

My daughter has of late been telling me how much she wishes she was a boy. Why? Because boys have it easy. And they have all the fun. They don't have to learn how sew and cook at Young Women's. They get to play basketball or cops and robbers or set up a skate park in the cultural hall.

Plus they get to pass the sacrament and become bishops.

I've never actually ever wanted to pass the sacrament or be a bishop.

But I have always been curious about men/women roles and we talk about it a bit in my English class. I always give an in-class writing assignment where I ask my students to complete the following sentences:


A good wife should always _______ and a good mother should never _________.


There are plenty of predictable answers, but the unpredictable ones are more fun.

(Keep in mind these are the REAL opinions of REAL students.)

*I placed asterisks by the codes I have broken.

A good wife should always . . .

• let her husband drive*
• cook yummy food*
• use less emotion*
• shave her legs daily*
• bring not just a half, but a whole person to the relationship*
• be fun to be around*
• allow animals in the house*
• specialize in her profession as a wife*
• be happy, grateful, patient*
• be honest, cheerful, friendly *

A good mother should never . . .

• starve her children*
• get in other people's business*
• feel obligated to join the PTA*
• put her children in daycare
• tell her daughter how to act*
• embarrass her son in front of his friends***
• be impatient*
• eat a lot*
• complain*
• get mad/argue*
• dress weird*
• max out the credit cards
• be lazy*
• drink alcohol, (at least not in front of the children)
• tell the truth about Santa Claus*
• keep secrets*
• give bad advice*
• be unprepared*
• ask too much*
• ask too little*
• let her children cross the road alone********

If I have broken most of these girly commandments, does that mean I can pass the sacrament and be a Bishop?