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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The password to my soul!!

I recently found a piece of paper taped to my front door, which asked my daughter to introduce one of the incoming Beehives at New Beginnings. A list of questions was provided to help my daughter get to know the girl better.


I did a double take at question number six:


What are her five worst qualities?


Como say what?


My daughter and I brainstormed about the possible objectives of revealing each new Beehive's worst qualities.


"Maybe it's so we can all help them strengthen their weaknesses," my daughter suggested.


"I'm sure that's it," I replied. I mean what better way to motivate improvement than give a bunch of teenage girls and their parents the password to your soul?


"Maybe it's one of those trick questions!" I said. "Like they ask at job interviews."


Everyone knows that if you want a job you must disguise your best qualities as your worst qualities, right? It's an easy skill to learn. Alls you have to do is take one of your strengths and add the word "too" in front of it. I'm too organized, too dedicated, too efficient and I work too hard. I give compliments too easily and I care too much about customer satisfaction.


Those kind of weaknesses will land you a job every time.


I taught my hub this during the early days of our marriage by laying awake at night asking him to list things I could improve on in order to make him love me more.


"I don't know," he'd say. "Maybe, stop picking me up late from work. Or get me a drink of water while you're up. Or maybe peel the potatoes before you mash them."


He soon discovered that if he wanted to fall asleep any time soon, alls he had to say was, "you are too pretty, it's distracting. And you keep the house too clean. Plus you're too frugal. I'd love you more if you spent more money."


See what I mean?


I just read through my college journals over the weekend and if you asked the guy I was kinda dating to introduce me at New Beginnings he would have said:


1. She's a stubborn little cus.
2. She can't read my mind worth beans.
3. She overreacts when I burp at the dinner table.
4. She thinks her opinion trumps my opinion.
5. She's in love with a missionary.


I had totally forgotten that he was the one who revealed these particular weaknesses to me. (You have no idea how close I was to sending him a thank you note on Facebook.)


While we're on the subject of my 1987 weaknesses, after reading my journals, I could reveal more.


May I?


1. She's dumb.
2. Her eyeballs sweat A LOT!
3. She abuses the exclamation point MAJOR!! Not to mention the underline and the Capital.
4. She uses the words Marvelous and Neat out of context.
5. She has Alzheimer's.


I could also reveal the trick answers:


She's too gutsy, too determined, too curious and too optimistic. Her testimony is too strong. She has too many friends and too many dreams. She worries too much about her family, and is too in love with her missionary.


I speak in the third person because I don't know this girl from Adam.


I did see the seeds of the Crash Test Dummy in her, however. For example one night I went into New York City with four friends to watch an Air Supply concert at Radio City Music Hall. On the way home we got silly and started singing Even the Nights are Better at the top of our lungs down Broadway. My comment in my journal?


"I'm surprised we didn't get Raped or Shot!!"


Can you see the headlines now?


Small town girls get Raped and Shot while singing Air Supply down the streets of New York City!! Shoulda known bettah girls! Fo' Reals!!


In another entry I was at Hanes Point in Washington D.C. expressing my desire to be a person of color: (Btw, the following is an exact translation, word for word, capital for capital, exclamation point for exclamation point)


"Sometimes I wish I was black. It would be so fun!! They have so much style. They just Jive and groove!! They have personality. They have Soul!!"


Like I said before, I don't know this girl from Adam.


I do however know her from Adam-ondi-Ahmen. This girl was into church history MAJOR!! And during a trip to Palmyra she was quite star struck to be walking where Joseph smith had walked:


"Wow!! I couldn't believe I was actually standing in the home where Joseph Smith received revelation from the Angel Moroni, and where he translated the Golden Plates, and where he ate breakfast even!! WOW!!"


As you can see, my comedic timing was quite well developed, even at the tender age of 20.



Okay, now that I've spilled my guts I can see the benefits of publicly disclosing your worst qualities. It actually feels kinda . . . liberating exposing my weaknesses.


Okay, you now have the password to my soul. Go easy.


I mean, Go easy!!


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P.S. I just found out that question six was a typo. Oops. Never mind. You can forget that password now.


13 comments:

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Oh man, when I read my college journals, I just want to scream: "Duh! He doesn't like you!!" plus I wonder how come I never even slept for like 5 years. Ah, sweet memories.

My worst quality is that I'm right all the time about everything and it just makes other people uncomfortable. Just ask my husband. I'll have to remember that for my next job interview.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha Amen! I didn't sleep either and then I couldn't figure out why I was exhausted for the next five years. ;)

I love that you make people uncomfortable! ha ha I bet you ARE always right.

Barbaloot said...

Gosh. I can't imagine unleashing your worst qualities on a pack of teenaged females... What a great idea!

I think my worst quality is that I'm too smart. It makes people feel uncomfortable when they realize I know everything they know and then some.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha It's looking like there are many people who share that weakness. It must be such a burden, Barb. ;)

LOVE your brother, btw!

Becca said...

I always wanted to be a person of color. In fact, I'm pretty convinced that the Lord prefers brown-skinned people. He just made them more beautiful, and their souls are visible, unlike my transparent one. And it's perfectly clear that He prefers brown babies to the purplish-white ones.

My weakness is a great disinclination to make my many weaknesses public on other people's blogs. What'cha gonna do?

Scooby and Jon said...

I think teenage girls should definitely tell the other teenage girls their worst quality. I can't see how that could end badly...

I think my worst quality when I was in college was that I loved too many boys. (I may have kissed 3 different boys the week I got engaged). Who also loved me, but didn't want to get married yet.
Thank goodness for DH, who changed his mind about getting married yet!

Vern said...

But now you get to make love out of nothing at all, so it all works out.

charrette said...

Hahaha! I finally succumbed to using an inordinate number of exclamation points on my blog today too. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

My worst quality (but I think you said it better) is any one of my strengths taken to an extreme. And this is not a trick; it's true. Take perfectionism. Or Mothering, when it becomes Smothering. And definitely using words that are too big and no one believes are part of my everyday vocabulary.

Love you! (I mean, love you, MAJOR!!!!!!!!!)

Martha said...

This was such a timely post for me. I have a big scary job interview with Pres. Wheelwright and Max Checketts on Friday for that job I was telling you about. I am so going to be prepared now so I can totally rock the interview and score me a bigger job!!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Haha Charette, love you, MAJOR too!! And you mean, using every day vocabulary that no one believes are part of your everyday vocabulary, as a 7th grader. ha ha You and Heidi Ashworth.

Martha, GOOD LUCK at your interview tomorrow. Tell them you are too persistent and that you NEVER take no for an answer. Tell them that you're even willing to trip your competition or hit them in the chest with a tennis ball if you have to. ha ha That'll get you the job. Thanks for being willing to write T a recommendation. She's going to send you the papers today. Or do you want to print it up yourself and send it. Should I send you the link? It needs to be postmarked by the 10th.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Scooby, ha ha ha That was kinda hilarious about you kissing 3 boys the week you got engaged. I totally get it.

And Becca, na uh, you know you love to tell your weakness in public. You just do it so cute-like that everyone falls in love with you.

DeNae said...

OMGoodnessGracious. I'm loving reading everyone's weaknesses. I don't have any, or I'd totally put my list up. I thought Scooby's comment "how could that end badly" was hilarious. And I have a great big cynical question: How does one write the words "What are her five worst qualities?" as a TYPO?? Which part was mis-typed? Was 'worst' supposed to be 'best'? Cuz I just now typed those two words and they aren't real easy to confuse, y'know? Or maybe 'five' was supposed to be 'five thousand'? I'm calling Barbie Shorts on that whole typo excuse. I think you live in the Cuckooville 21st Ward.

Donna said...

If I write my worst qualities will that take the place of your sweet daughter EVER having to reveal hers in front of a bunch of overly emotional teenagers who will use them when your daughter steals their boyfriends?
1.) I eat too much
2.) I procrastinate
3.) I am waaaaay too passionate and dislike people who don't share my passions
4.) I am always late
5.) I am secretly afraid I will put off what I need to be doing and end up in the remedial part of the spirit world where I will have to play catch up for eons...

If anyone ever asks you again to reveal teenage weakness.......REBEL!!! Ask them to find that little exercise in the handbook. You were the YW pres, make them stop!