It's a pArTaY!

Today is a special day, and it's not because it's the day we get ready for Sunday.

It's because it's a pArTaY! day.

Two of the hottest blogging mamas were born on this day. Shelle @ Blokthoughts and New England Alyson.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHELLE AND ALYSON!

Not only do I heart them both, I lurve them, I lub them, and I luuuuv them.

But above all, I LOVE them.

I don't know how old Alyson is, but poor ole' Shelle is hitting her third trimester, if you will, with three whole decades under her belt.

Oh, Shelle, I hope you handle it better than I did. It was horrible for me. It was just awful. It was as funky as it gets.

THIRTY!??? Yikers!!

It sounds soooooooo old. It sounds at least 10 years older than 29. Really, if you think about it, once you hit 30 you're like an old maid. You're that much closer to being a granny. Break out your puzzles, girlfriend, because life in the hot lane just hit an ice burg.

Big time brain FREEZE! brrrrrrrrrr.

hee hee hee hee hee

Just JOSHIN, Shelle Belle. It ain't so at'all. I promise. Right Aly? Back me up here. You just keep getting better and better until you hit 40 and then you really start smokin' up the runway.

Look at Jennifer Aniston.

So everyone rush to my comment box for the pArTaY!

I asked LoW to bring the cake and ice cream.

I was gonna bring root beer for the floats, but I'm off POP (eww, hate that word) so I hope you don't mind V-8 floats. They ain't too bad if you pinch your nose.

And I picked up tons of fruit from Costco--I got kiwis and cuties and pinepples and cara cara and green grapes and purple grapes and bananas and baninis.

(Okay, I didn't pick up baninis.)

After the pArTaY! make sure to drop by their blogs and poke them in the eye.

Oh, and Shelle and Alyson, I dedicate track 31 to you. And my birthday wish is that one day we can all get together and play Charlie's Angels. (But I don't want to be Sabrina.)


P.S. For those of you who didn't get the memo, Nevadanista won the Caramacs for guessing which American Idol I actually called in to cast my vote--Bo Bice. I was totally in love with Bo Bice.

My husband was in love with him too so it was a mutual fascination disorder. I'm pretty sure our votes got him into the finals. TMI: I loved calling American Idol just to hear Bo Bice say, "Hi Dummy, this is Bo Bice. Thanks for voting for me. Now it's time for you to grow up and get a life because Carrie Underwood is going to kick my bootie."

MORE TMI: We were at Disneyworld during the finals and we actually dragged our kids out of the park so we could watch the finals in the hotel.

WEIRD NEWS FLASH: After it was over, I never listened to him again. And I didn't miss him. I think I loved watching him sing SOULFUL CLASSIC songs, but I didn't love hearing him sing WIMPY WANNA-BE ALTERNATIVE songs.

P.S.S. I'm asleep right now. I just wanted to make sure this was posted at midnight, the minute these girls turned into a pumpkin (in Hawaii).

(I bet they're asleep too. Let's go mob them. hee hee. Anyone have shaving cream? Let's freeze their bras . . . oh, wait, I can't, I'm asleep too.)

I'm a grandma!

My husband lubbed my last post so much he says I can count it as my valentine to him. (YAY, I'm off the hook.)


He said that post made him want to give me 100 fortune cookies just to see which ones will actually come true.


But he thinks that should count as his valentine to me. (cheap skate!)


It didn't take me long to figure out that he didn't actually read my post, he skimmed it and missed the whole point.


He thought I was seriously going to put on my flawless bronze legs and my thong and call him Jack in a Brazilian accent.


HELLO! I thought I made it perfectly clear that I left my flawless bronze legs in my pre-mortal life. I haven't seen them since 1967. And the only body part that has ever worn a thong is my feet.



Hey, guess what!? I don't need thereapy afterall. I found a Jack that I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH.


Jack Weyland. I don't love Jack Weyland!!!


When I read his book Sam in college, I tore it to pieces, poured Mountain Dew all over it and started it on fire. That was during my feminist phase so I threw my bra into the fire too.


And then I made s'mores.


When life hands you lemons, make s'mores. That's what I always say.





So peeps, I've been absent yet present again. It's because my daughter has been in labor.


It's so hard to watch your daughter in labor.


She's only 14 so of course it wasn't baby labor, it was mental labor.


But giving birth to ideas is exactly the same process as giving birth to babies.


An idea must be conceived then carried in your mind while it grows and grows until it makes you crazy uncomfortable and crazy cranky. Carrying an idea around wears you out. You begin retaining water. You get heartburn. You can't sleep at night.


And worst of all you can't fit into your old ideas anymore.


Well, this is exactly what my daughter's group has been going through with their history day project on John Adams. They have had the longest, hardest labor--with no epidural. I was tempted to perform an emergency C-section because John Adams is a huge baby! (And he has bad teeth too). He almost broke their poor little backs on his way out of their brains.


Once I got to help my neice give birth--baby birth, not idea birth. She was pushing that baby out for so long I thought her face was going to pop off. Because I hate seeing anyone curse, instinctively I jumped up and put my hands on her head and pushed down as hard as I could. Every time she pushed, I pushed.

To this day she says it didn't help her get that baby out, but I know it did.


So that's what I did for my daughter and her group last night. They were sweating and cursing and swearing they would never have another idea ever again, so I jumped up and put my hands on top of their heads and I pushed down as hard as I could until their ideas popped out.


My daughter and her group are now the proud parents of a brand new history day script.


And I'm a grandma!


(btw, love being a grandma! They have to perform it, block it, dress it, feed it, burp it and teach it how to walk. Hee hee All I have to do is sleep through the night and spoil it. I think I'm going to buy it an XBOX 360 next week. And Rock Band too, of course.)

My daughter took a sick day today but should be fully recovered shortly.

No gifts necessary, but thanks.

.....................

p.s. Here's a birthday shout out to one of my very favorite blogging buddies ever. You go, LoW. You're almost over the hill. LY, LoW!!!

This is not a post! This is self defense!

When I told the Old Boat Guy that I was cured of my HTML disorder, you know what he said?

"You'll never be cured. You're addicted!"

How rude!


Well here's me thumbing my nose at you, OBG!

Notice the seat is UP. (Clearly not MY throne.)

But fo' real, my favorite OBG has entered his boat in a beauty pageant--Miss Elegant Thang, or something something.

I was thinking she needs a great name to represent her. Something elegant, yet ironical (as my husband always says).

I'd like to nomiate . . .

Will anyone second the motion?

Anyone? Anyone?

And hey, go read Sandi's contribution to The Magic Quilt. It's beautiful.

And Tu Tu's having a Great Aloha Give-away. (I like her blog).

And Emily (my blood relative, thank you very much) is teaching us how to make cute valentine banners (if you're krafty like that).

And Wesley's mom, (Sue Ann) has a fun love song guessing game going on. Check it out.

And please go poke Kristina P in the eye. She's selling the ShamWOW now and she's been caught in the act of PDS--public display of snuggi. I think it's a disease, peeps.

And check out this Heelarious little video clip at In Time Out's blog. She calls it hilary ous. It's worth the watch, peeps. I'm going to go follow her while I'm there. Wanna come?

GROUP HUG PEEPS!

So thankful for all my friends.  Best friends ever!!! 

My eyes are seriously sweating just thinking about all the votes of support on my blog nominations and all of your excitement over the magic quilt.  

To borrow a phrase from John Adams, "I've been borrowing from my sleep" lately in order to do some extra round off back handsprings before bed.   That's how excited I am about the magic quilt.  

If you are scratching your head right now and thinking "what magic quilt?" click on the photo of the magic quilt on my right hand side bar.  

Or just click here, if you're lazy.  

A MQ button is in the works and should be done within a week so we can start promoting.  

That's not the only thing I've been borrowing sleep to do doing round off back for lately. 

I'm so excited about my new Crash-n-Friends Blog Across America site!!! 

Aaaaahhhh!  I can hardly wait for the grand opening to show it to you.  I'm just waiting on the design and template crew to finish up so I can unveil it and WE can get started.  

IF you must know . . . it's going to be our very own travel blog full of action, adventure and romance, not to mention three of my favorite things: food, nudity and profanity.  (No kids allowed in the van!  And Lo, you'll have to jog along side since you're rated G.)   

No good deed or bad deed will go unpunished over at Crash-n-Friends. 

Details TBA, but wouldn't it be awesome if a group of crazy bored mommies like us could win the best travel blog of 2009?   CBM Girl Power!  Just think of how many magic quilts we can pass along with all that exposure.

Even though I've had to borrow from my sleep lately, my dreams have been kind to me.  In fact I had the weirdest dream of my life a few nights ago and I need help interpreting.  

Setting: Russia

Scenery:  vivid, high res, super saturated mountains and city landscape. 

Mode of Transportation: Airplane

Antagonist:  A ginormous shark in a small pond of water. 

Conflict: Shark attack.    I was actually minding my own business when the shark leapt through the air and attached himself to my arm.  

Wounds sustained:  A mere flesh wound.  I totally took the shark down. 

Resolution:  I got to eat cookies.  I ate cookie after cookie after cookie.  I couldn't stop eating the cookies.  

But I'm perplexed because here's the WEIRD part:  I COULD TASTE THE COOKIE.  And I've never tasted the cookie before.  It was like a fruity Oreo.  What the what?  How can I taste a fruity Oreo in my sleep when I've never tasted a fruity Orea on my wake.  Helk, I don't think anyone has ever tasted a fruity oreo.

So what is the universe trying to tell me, peeps?

Peeps Patrol

Okay peeps, mark your calendars because the Crash Test Dummy is coming to Utah on July 10th. If you want to meet me at the airport with banners and balloons I'll send you my itinerary thingie.

And hey, maybe if I start jogging 10 miles a day I'll be able to fit into my HS cheer skirt so we can have a little pep rally by the baggage claim.

Let me know if you want me to bring my playlist and do a Kung Fu Panda workshop for your Young Women or teach your crazy bored friends how to survive 60 mph impacts w/o airbags.

Or, if you want, you can just take me out to lunch at the Olive Garden. (I accept Jamba Juice cards too.)

OR, OR, OR, we can have a quilting bee. I don't quilt myself, but you guys could quilt while I blog about it. And I can serve you chips and salsa while you quilt and I blog. I'm good at serving chips and salsa.

Dead serious--not about the chips and salsa,but about the quilting bee--thanks to Wendy @No Botox Allowed for giving wings to my magic quilt idea.

I've got a MIND BLOWING PLAN to heal the world (one quilt at a time.) Click here to read my plan and see my new site.



And you know what else I've been thinking about? Anjeny and how she nominated me for best blog of all time and how I giggled and called her a silly silly goose.

But why shouldn't I be best blog of all time? Why should I be intimidated by Pioneer Woman? I mean, true, I don't have any votes yet, but I'm only 20 votes behind pioneer woman and 24 votes behind Dooce. And I'm only 130 votes behind the real best blog of all times.

I still have time to catch up if I blog my brains out 24/7 for the next 300 days or so.

Maybe I could get Jack Johnson to write me a magic theme song that hypnotizes readers into voting for me . . .


The possibilities are endless.


I mean, I know by myself I'm not best blogger of all time, because, well, let's face it, I don't have a Marlboro man. My man doesn't even smoke. But I do have a happy German.

And a tremendous Austrian.

Seriously, what does the Pioneer Woman have that I don't have (besides a chain smoking husband)?

I may not have cows or horses, but I have cockroaches and geckos.

I may not be able to cook, but Mariko can and Damaris can and Amanda can.

Does PW have a published author who sold her first novel out of print in less than 2 months? Well, we do, thanks to Miss D. and Miss HeiD.

I may not take stunningly breath taking photographs, but Alyson does and so does Shelle.

PW has a mentally retarded brother, but I bet she doesn't have an apostate brother. And I bet she doesn't have a yellow submarine. And she probably doesn't speak to the universe or make magic quilts.

WE CAN DO THIS THING, girls!

All I need is 21 votes and I'll be on page one. And if I'm on page one, then we can make a gazillion quilts and heal the world a gazillion times faster. Then maybe we could get sponsors for our Blog-Across-America tour and we could write books about all the crazy people in America and go on Oprah and David Letterman and Regis and Kelly.

And then we could all get our hair Japanese straightened.



Are you as pumped as I am right now?





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Oh, and about my daughter's hoity toity SS teacher . . . I didn't end up busting a move on her because I had to give her the Heimlich instead. She was seriously choking on her words that she would shave her head if my daughter's group made it to the History Day district competition.

They did make it--(4th place so there's room for improvement, but STILL!)

And can I say something to my daughter's friends who also made it. Sydney/3rd place essay, Josi/3rd place performance, and Josie/2nd place documentary. WOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!

You go, girls! Seriously, SO TAMN Proud of You! (Don't tell your parents I said that.)

(Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Josi! Can everyone leave some cake in my comment box. Wolfgang, will you bring your honey and granola frozen yogurt? And will everyone wear blue today in her honor.)



MAHALO!

You guys are da bomb!


And remember . . . A vote for Crash is a vote for Crash-n-Friends! Click on one of the blogger's choice buttons on the left hand side bar to vote. You do have to sign up and log in.

LY Friends!

My Thursday Bucket List

Today I would love to . . .


1. Punch my daughter's teacher in the nose?

Not her Hoity Toity English teacher, but her hoity toity Social Studies teacher. If Kahuku High School had tennis courts I would arrange a duel after school behind the courts and I would channel my eagle powers and do some Kung Fu Panda on her, and maybe a Karate Kid kick or two.

Wax on! Wax Off!


2. Lift Miss Heidi on my shoulders and parade her around Borders singing We Are the Champions until I'm blue in the face. (But wait, it was HER book that just SOLD OUT OF PRINT, so I should sing YOU Are the Champion until I'm green in the face.) Does anyone want to help me carry her?


3. Get a shaka tattoo and join a rock band.



4. Buy every one of you a royal blue snuggi so we can crash Kristina P's Playboy photo shoot and yell, "Oh, GAD! Oh GLORY! Honest to PETE!"


5. Borrow an article of clothing from every person on the planet so I can quilt a patchwork bridge to Terabithia across the universe. I will start building the bridge with the quilt I just received from Kritta. (Mahalo Kritta!) This is the quilt I won from Shelle's Don't You Hate it When . . . contest.



Kritta is it a magic quilt? Does it have healing powers? When I'm healed should I pass it along to someone else who needs to be healed? And then they could pass it on to someone else and so on and so on until the whole world is healed. (But after everyone is healed can you guys send it back to me?)


6. Sleep for 36 hours straight.


7. Buy the whole state of Arizona a swirly cupcake in honor of Kute Kasey's engagement.

Kute Kasey's fiance surrounded by swirly cupcakes.

8. Kidnap April from her quarantine, and take her out for a Peenya Kowlada Jamba Juice (IN TAMPA BAY)! Then force her at gunpoint to wear yellow and sit in the Steelers section at the Superbowl.

GO STEELERS!


9. Let Anjeny sit shot gun on our Blog-Across-America so we can play Crash Test Dummys with the airbags and throw peanut M&M's out the window at biker dudes.


Anjeny earned a special place in my tie-dyed heart when she nominated me for 3 blogger's choice awards incognito as Emerida--my favorite being, Best Blog of All Times. Oh you silly silly goose, Anjeny, putting me up against Pioneer Woman, but that touched me, girl. Especially since my followers are dropping like flies.

As Charles Dickens would say: "It was the best of blogs, it was the worst of blogs."


But if I go to the top, YOU ALL go to the top. Submarine POWER!! Crash & Friends 4 ever, baby! Healing the world ONE quilt at a time!