My Secret Identity

Did anyone see Funny Farmer's blog? She found this magical psychic who can tell you your secret identity. For FREE!

All you have to do is punch in your full name and within an instant you'll know exactly who you truly are.

I'm a believer in magical psychics, so I tried it.

It turns out I'm a FPB (Famed Porn Brat), which I never would have guessed in a million years because I'm so not a brat. 

My MIL is an XRLA (X-Rated, Looney Armpit), which I've suspected for years.

I'm not even going to tell you my husband's secret identity because it uses the word napalm in conjunction with that stinky word I loath (which starts with an f and rhymes with art.)

Unfortunately I received a crushing blow when I typed in The Crash Test Dummy. Apparently I'm a curse word (and not a charming curse word or a pleasant piece of profantity).

I am the CDAH (Crummiest Dirty Swear-word Head).

I will totally understand if you don't want to be associated with the crummiest dirty swear-word head anymore.


Click here to find out who you truly are.


P.S. I'm taking the weekend off to clean my house (MY MOMMY IS COMING). I will introduce you to my morning class on Monday since I can't see them clearly right now--they're always poking me in the eye, bless their rotten little hearts.

Not complaining, but . . . Waaaaah!

Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm not a whiner, AT ALL!

I'm only trying to relate. empathize. commiserate. Be one of the girlz!

Okay, so I was soooooooooooooooo cold this morning, guys!

It was like 60 degrees below zero, I swear! When I rolled out of bed I thought I might die.

Have you guys ever felt like that?

I had to wear my flannel/fleece robe and wrap myself in my flannel fleece blanket.

But I still got hypothermia and frost bite.

I went to my class anyway though--I'm a trooper like that.

I even wore SOCKS to class. (And boots.)


Can I ask you guys a personal question? How do you guys do it day in and day out?

What's the worst part? The freakin' frozen toilet seat? Washing the dishes with long sleeves? What?

I was so freezing that even my stone cold heart was numb.

Which was good because when I noticed this morning that I had lost another follower it didn't even phase me.


I was like "oh, well."

I was like "later, gator."

I was like "sianara sista"

I was like " don't let the door . . ."

GULP!

That's what I did when I realized . . . it was . . . Jami!

Jami???!!!

My superfluous friend? My ta-ta-for-now friend? My friend-to-the-bitter-end friend?

Oh Jami, why hast thou forsaken me?

Oh, it cuts like a knife to be rejected by one of your own kind!

I decided denial would be my best defense so I put on my old cheerleading skirt from high school, (brrrrrr) grabbed my pom poms and started doing cheers in my living room.

"Push it down! Push it down! Waaaaaayyyyyyy down!"

My huband doesn't think denial is cute, even in a cheer skirt. He thinks it's sexier to confront reality.

So this is me seducing reality:

There must have been some mistake. There must have been some misunderstanding. She pushed the wrong button. Her baby did it. Her husband did it. Her neighbor's crazy husband did it. Maybe he held her at gunpoint and made her erase all memory of the crash test dummy.

sniff ! (How do you spell a honkin' loud nose blow?)

My husband said, "why don't you just ask her?"

I was like, "What? Ask her? You know about my abandonment issues, right?"

He was like, "uhhh, yea, come to THINK of it, I HAVE noticed your abandonment issues from time to time over the PAST TWENTY ODD years I've LIVED with you! (And I do mean ODD, as in ODD, not as in NOT EVEN!)"

He's snippy like that sometimes.


Do you think it's because I'm warm? Because honestly, I'm not that warm. This morning I was downright frozen.


Do you guys think I should ask her?



Will you guys ask her for me? hmm? hmm? hmm?







Oh wait! She's back. (Never mind.)





I told you it was a mistake.

Good thing I didn't stress about it.

Good think I didn't waste a whole post over it!

I'm kinda hot now anyway (and not sexy hot). I'm going to go take off my socks.

Oh, P.S. Don't forget to check out The Magic Quilt for the latest entry.

This is not a post! This is self defense!

When I told the Old Boat Guy that I was cured of my HTML disorder, you know what he said?

"You'll never be cured. You're addicted!"

How rude!


Well here's me thumbing my nose at you, OBG!

Notice the seat is UP. (Clearly not MY throne.)

But fo' real, my favorite OBG has entered his boat in a beauty pageant--Miss Elegant Thang, or something something.

I was thinking she needs a great name to represent her. Something elegant, yet ironical (as my husband always says).

I'd like to nomiate . . .

Will anyone second the motion?

Anyone? Anyone?

And hey, go read Sandi's contribution to The Magic Quilt. It's beautiful.

And Tu Tu's having a Great Aloha Give-away. (I like her blog).

And Emily (my blood relative, thank you very much) is teaching us how to make cute valentine banners (if you're krafty like that).

And Wesley's mom, (Sue Ann) has a fun love song guessing game going on. Check it out.

And please go poke Kristina P in the eye. She's selling the ShamWOW now and she's been caught in the act of PDS--public display of snuggi. I think it's a disease, peeps.

And check out this Heelarious little video clip at In Time Out's blog. She calls it hilary ous. It's worth the watch, peeps. I'm going to go follow her while I'm there. Wanna come?

I'm CURED!

OMGOSH! I've been working through some major major HTML issues for the past 4 freakin' hours.

But guess what?

I'm cured!

I've conquered my HTML ineptitude!!

I did it, peeps!

Funny Farmer is going to have a heart attack because I just designed and posted the lovely Magic Quilt button you see in the top right hand corner all by myself! (With a few tips from Swirl).

Oh, Yea, that's what I'm talking about. (Now I just have to figure out how to get my Crash Test Dummy Button back.)


So PLEASE grab a button and jump on the magic bus, gus. Scatter some sunshine. Spread the word because we got our first submission for the magic quilt today!

YAY!

Mahalo Amanda for making us one quilt block closer to healing the world.


Grab a tissue and go cry your heart out by clicking here.


P.S. Hey, how much will you give me if I get JJ to donate a t-shirt for the magic quilt? Huh? huh? huh?


P.S.S. Does anyone need a button?


P.S.S.S. You thought I was going to say I'm cured of Jack Johnson, didn't you!

You wanna see an answered prayer? (And a true SPAM story?)

I can't decide if Crash is taking over my personality or if my personality is taking over Crash!

Today I spent three hours in a professional development meeting with 9 of my colleagues and Mormon scholar, Terryl Givens, and all I could think of to say was "hmmmm, that's so cool" and "What an uber awesome idea!"

(Intellectuals really do have uber awesome ideas, I wasn't just saying that to be nice.)

I was trying to keep up with the conversation, really I was.

I was focusing really hard on all the cute vocabulary words like totalizing and secretism and my brain was doing backbends over all the uber awesome concepts like cultural collision and collective revelation.

But honestly, three hours of concentrating made me hungry and it didn't help that the guy sitting next to me was wearing a SPAM tie.

I kid you not! A SPAM TIE, peeps!

AND get this, the guy on the other side of me was wearing a pineapple tie. Seriously! I don't know if food themed ties is a Hawaii thing or an intellectual thing. Probably the latter because, generally speaking, intellectuals tend to be a little dorky like that (in a cute way) (bless their brilliant little hearts).

(Hey, don't hate the messenger! I don't write my material, it writes me. I'm just calling it like the universe sees it.)

But really you can learn a lot from intellectuals. Like did you know that the media suffers from attention spasms? I didn't either, but it makes so much sense. No wonder they're always like Look at me! I'm talking, here! Is this thing on? I swear if you look away again I'll get a charlie horse.

And did you know the biggest problem we made during the war in Iraq was the debathinization of the people? I was so shocked. I just don't get why we would forbid anyone to shower. What a strange strategy. No wonder everybody criticized George Bush so much. You strip people of their personal hygiene and what have they got left?


Anyway, do you guys want to see what my 10-year-old's primary prayer looked like when it was answered? (You must read My Irreverent Super Bowl Sabbath post to fully understand.)

Peeps Patrol

Okay peeps, mark your calendars because the Crash Test Dummy is coming to Utah on July 10th. If you want to meet me at the airport with banners and balloons I'll send you my itinerary thingie.

And hey, maybe if I start jogging 10 miles a day I'll be able to fit into my HS cheer skirt so we can have a little pep rally by the baggage claim.

Let me know if you want me to bring my playlist and do a Kung Fu Panda workshop for your Young Women or teach your crazy bored friends how to survive 60 mph impacts w/o airbags.

Or, if you want, you can just take me out to lunch at the Olive Garden. (I accept Jamba Juice cards too.)

OR, OR, OR, we can have a quilting bee. I don't quilt myself, but you guys could quilt while I blog about it. And I can serve you chips and salsa while you quilt and I blog. I'm good at serving chips and salsa.

Dead serious--not about the chips and salsa,but about the quilting bee--thanks to Wendy @No Botox Allowed for giving wings to my magic quilt idea.

I've got a MIND BLOWING PLAN to heal the world (one quilt at a time.) Click here to read my plan and see my new site.



And you know what else I've been thinking about? Anjeny and how she nominated me for best blog of all time and how I giggled and called her a silly silly goose.

But why shouldn't I be best blog of all time? Why should I be intimidated by Pioneer Woman? I mean, true, I don't have any votes yet, but I'm only 20 votes behind pioneer woman and 24 votes behind Dooce. And I'm only 130 votes behind the real best blog of all times.

I still have time to catch up if I blog my brains out 24/7 for the next 300 days or so.

Maybe I could get Jack Johnson to write me a magic theme song that hypnotizes readers into voting for me . . .


The possibilities are endless.


I mean, I know by myself I'm not best blogger of all time, because, well, let's face it, I don't have a Marlboro man. My man doesn't even smoke. But I do have a happy German.

And a tremendous Austrian.

Seriously, what does the Pioneer Woman have that I don't have (besides a chain smoking husband)?

I may not have cows or horses, but I have cockroaches and geckos.

I may not be able to cook, but Mariko can and Damaris can and Amanda can.

Does PW have a published author who sold her first novel out of print in less than 2 months? Well, we do, thanks to Miss D. and Miss HeiD.

I may not take stunningly breath taking photographs, but Alyson does and so does Shelle.

PW has a mentally retarded brother, but I bet she doesn't have an apostate brother. And I bet she doesn't have a yellow submarine. And she probably doesn't speak to the universe or make magic quilts.

WE CAN DO THIS THING, girls!

All I need is 21 votes and I'll be on page one. And if I'm on page one, then we can make a gazillion quilts and heal the world a gazillion times faster. Then maybe we could get sponsors for our Blog-Across-America tour and we could write books about all the crazy people in America and go on Oprah and David Letterman and Regis and Kelly.

And then we could all get our hair Japanese straightened.



Are you as pumped as I am right now?





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Oh, and about my daughter's hoity toity SS teacher . . . I didn't end up busting a move on her because I had to give her the Heimlich instead. She was seriously choking on her words that she would shave her head if my daughter's group made it to the History Day district competition.

They did make it--(4th place so there's room for improvement, but STILL!)

And can I say something to my daughter's friends who also made it. Sydney/3rd place essay, Josi/3rd place performance, and Josie/2nd place documentary. WOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!

You go, girls! Seriously, SO TAMN Proud of You! (Don't tell your parents I said that.)

(Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Josi! Can everyone leave some cake in my comment box. Wolfgang, will you bring your honey and granola frozen yogurt? And will everyone wear blue today in her honor.)



MAHALO!

You guys are da bomb!


And remember . . . A vote for Crash is a vote for Crash-n-Friends! Click on one of the blogger's choice buttons on the left hand side bar to vote. You do have to sign up and log in.

LY Friends!

My Thursday Bucket List

Today I would love to . . .


1. Punch my daughter's teacher in the nose?

Not her Hoity Toity English teacher, but her hoity toity Social Studies teacher. If Kahuku High School had tennis courts I would arrange a duel after school behind the courts and I would channel my eagle powers and do some Kung Fu Panda on her, and maybe a Karate Kid kick or two.

Wax on! Wax Off!


2. Lift Miss Heidi on my shoulders and parade her around Borders singing We Are the Champions until I'm blue in the face. (But wait, it was HER book that just SOLD OUT OF PRINT, so I should sing YOU Are the Champion until I'm green in the face.) Does anyone want to help me carry her?


3. Get a shaka tattoo and join a rock band.



4. Buy every one of you a royal blue snuggi so we can crash Kristina P's Playboy photo shoot and yell, "Oh, GAD! Oh GLORY! Honest to PETE!"


5. Borrow an article of clothing from every person on the planet so I can quilt a patchwork bridge to Terabithia across the universe. I will start building the bridge with the quilt I just received from Kritta. (Mahalo Kritta!) This is the quilt I won from Shelle's Don't You Hate it When . . . contest.



Kritta is it a magic quilt? Does it have healing powers? When I'm healed should I pass it along to someone else who needs to be healed? And then they could pass it on to someone else and so on and so on until the whole world is healed. (But after everyone is healed can you guys send it back to me?)


6. Sleep for 36 hours straight.


7. Buy the whole state of Arizona a swirly cupcake in honor of Kute Kasey's engagement.

Kute Kasey's fiance surrounded by swirly cupcakes.

8. Kidnap April from her quarantine, and take her out for a Peenya Kowlada Jamba Juice (IN TAMPA BAY)! Then force her at gunpoint to wear yellow and sit in the Steelers section at the Superbowl.

GO STEELERS!


9. Let Anjeny sit shot gun on our Blog-Across-America so we can play Crash Test Dummys with the airbags and throw peanut M&M's out the window at biker dudes.


Anjeny earned a special place in my tie-dyed heart when she nominated me for 3 blogger's choice awards incognito as Emerida--my favorite being, Best Blog of All Times. Oh you silly silly goose, Anjeny, putting me up against Pioneer Woman, but that touched me, girl. Especially since my followers are dropping like flies.

As Charles Dickens would say: "It was the best of blogs, it was the worst of blogs."


But if I go to the top, YOU ALL go to the top. Submarine POWER!! Crash & Friends 4 ever, baby! Healing the world ONE quilt at a time!