Monday, February 2, 2009

My Irreverent Super Bowl Sabbath

The Steelers won, but my Super Bowl sabbath still stunk!

I used to gripe about 8:00 a.m. church because I had to dress my kids in their Sunday clothes before they went to bed on Saturday night. It was a pain dragging them from their beds to the car and it was embarrassing walking into sacrament meeting with pillows under our arms.

But honestly, 10:00 a.m. church is even worse because the kids are wide awake while they're getting ready, AND they're wide awake during sacrament meeting.

PLUS I'm two hours hungrier on Fast sundays than I used to be, which is miserable when the gospel doctrine teacher wears a tie plastered with pictures of popcorn.


How am I supposed to focus on the D&C when all I can think about is hot buttered popcorn?

But that's not why my Super Bowl sabbath stunk. This is why.

That's right. I was in a Kung Fu Panda state of mind.

And we all know what this means.

If the church had tennis courts I would have challenged my 10-year-old son's sharing time leader to a duel after primary.

She punished him for my transgressions in front of the whole primary.

Apparently I have been filling his head with all sorts of falsehoods about what to include in your prayers. My bad for telling him that God cares about what you care about so pray accordingly.

I forgot to tell him that God doesn't care about football so please don't pray that the Steelers will win the Super Bowl, especially not in primary because your sharing time leader may be a Cardinals fan and if you pray for the Steelers to win she will make you come back up to the podium and pray again, the right way this time.

And then, in front of everyone, she will tell you to stay after primary so she can talk to your parents and scold them for not teaching you that praying about the Super Bowl in primary is blasphemous (unless you pray for the Cards).

I also forgot to tell him that if his face goes bright red and he hangs his head in shame be prepared for his sharing time leader to say to him, "Oh, don't try to act all sad!"

It's unfortunate that she doesn't know I have a blog and a posse.

In a way I feel like it was my fault that he raced home from church and locked himself in his bedroom and hid under the covers sobbing.

I really should have given him the heads up that God doesn't care about football.

I wish I had thought to tell him how I learned this the hard way and how as a ten year old I too asked God to please let the Miami Dolphins win because it broke my heart to see my jack-apostate brother, Stephen cry. (Sorry Stephen, it had to come out eventually.)

My prayers were never answered.

But apparently my son's prayers were. (Nani nani boo boo, sharing time leader!)



IWA said...

My seven year old would never do well saying prayers in that ward!

When i lived in Utah, our sacrament meeting was the last hour... and Our ward not only prayed for the Patriots.. but our Bishop let us out 10 minutes early...

BTW... i dont know if you know... but i have a bunch of friends that i dont associate with in public.. i just text them when I need them to egg a car or put a burning bag of poop at a door step... let me know if you need their cell number! I know they say forgiveness is best way... but revenge actually feels pretty good until they find out that you did it!

I am LoW said...

I can't believe your son did that. All 10 year old boys in every primary I've ever been to have been perfect ANGELS! mwahahaha!!!

Barbaloot said...

Clearly your son's teacher has never lived in Provo, UT where you public floggings are administered if you neglect to mention the "true team" in its sports endeavors.

binks said...

I am not sure how you become a sharing time leader but I am pretty sure that your son's needs to be impeached. Or drawn and quartered. You say potato.....

Sandi said...

You are surrounded my idiots. Hoity toity Rude SS teacher and now this. It's definitely time for you to bust a Kung Fu move! I might have to say that I am glad the Steelers won now...take THAT Sharing time lady!!

springrose said...

I soooooo can not believe your sharing time leader would do that!! jaw hanging open in shock! and horror for your poor son! Everyone knows boys, and men pray for their sports team to win. Just like everyone knows girls pray for "the" guy to drop that other girl and suddenly realize they wanted them all along! HELLO!! Sorry you are needing to KungFu so many people latel! Let me at "em, I'm a little PMSish anyway, that way I can take my anger and saddness out on them for you!
Oh, and one Sunday we were let out early because it was mothers day and the stake pres. found out and our Bishop was read the riot act. Never again!!

T said...

I didn't care about the game at all (I know, I'm sorry) but NOW I'm thrilled that the Steelers won - just for your boys' satisfaction!!!

Wv - dimplers - yep, I'm smiling that wide!

Heidi Ashworth said...

I am appalled that anyone would take a child to task (oops, Miss D on the brain today) in front of everyone like that. A primary leader did that to my daughter once and she got it right between the eyes. How humiliating for your son! Kids are kids! They make mistakes. However, I don't think it was her decision to make as to whether or not that was actually a mistake. I just don't get people. (As you can tell, this makes me mad as helk!) The word verifier says--I kid you not!--dista. Dista the sistah!

So said...

Dude I would have gone Kung FuPanda ALL OVER that primary leader if she treated my son like that. That's totally uncalled for. I'm glad the Steeler's your son knows that prayers are answered.

Homer and Queen said...

Give her a beat down! He can pray for them, and yes God does care about football even though I am a Cards fan, He need to humble us! I think your boy is great!

Melanie J said...

On my first day in Cub Scouts this fall, one little boy prayed that another one in the den wouldn't "be a big fat jerk face" and all H broke loose. Sigh.

I don't know how you didn't punch the sharing time leader in the face. You're my new hero.

sara said...

I can't believe how cruel the Sharing Time person is. Let's taker her out back and tar and feather her. What's her full name and social? We can handle this.
I'm so offended for you, I think that I'll go inactive just to show her.
She probably didn't even watch the Super Bowl. What kid of person does that?

Eliza said...

I am so sorry for your son. Obivously your primary isn't being taught what Jesus taught (love the children). Even if she didn't agree with his prayer, she didn't need to flog him in public. It breaks my heart that your son was hurt in primary, the one place where he should always feel love and acceptance.

The Wixom Zoo said...

You know, I used to be in the primary presidency and I loved prayers like that! It was fun to try not to get caught giggling while the rest of the kids had their heads bowed. Meh. Shake it off...then go Kung-Fu Panda on her if it's still bothering you. Then take pictures. hehehehehe...

Jami said...

Chew her out, but say bless your heart after each and every sentence. Then chew her out again, maybe with your arm around her. Then tattle to the bishop. Then bake her a really crappy batch of cookies. (I've got an 11 yr old who can help you out with that.)

Poor buddy. Poor Mama Bear. Feel better.

JustRandi said...

That really is bad. I mean, I have never heard of making someone re-pray.

I'm glad you didn't go all Kung Fu Panda, though. I mean, SOMEBODY had to be the grown-up.

Good thing for blogs, eh?

April said...

How can you not giggle just at the thought of that prayer??? I would have busted a gut listening to him!!! Apparently his prayers were heard too! I'm GLAD the Steelers won heard me!! GLAD!!! Just for your son!!!

I can't wait till my nephew gets to Primary and starts praying for his fast, fast, fast boat at Lake Powell...Right Toad? hahahahaha!!!

April said...

BTW-I think a posterboard for the Sharing Time Leader to wear at the next ward function stating that she likes to humiliate children will be adequate.
(With a small notation on the bottom that her children will probably end up in juvenile detention because of her humiliation tactics.)


Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Yea...well God answers prayers when the prayers are on the right side of the gospel...apparently you have an apostate Primary leader...

But I feel bad...we are all subject to our human weaknesses!

Is it okay if my son prays that I win HOTTEST MOMMY BLOGGER even though i am not even nominated?

Just wondering...

WV: ABLED--I think your verifier is speaking through GAD and answered my question! :) *Raises arms* Praise the man above! :)

SWIRL said...

I guess if she is going to expect such a high level of spiritual thought in prayers in primary- she better do a better job in sharing time-- teaching the difference between personal prayers (where you can say anything you want) and public prayers ( where you speak on behalf of others.)

Poor guy! Your microphone must work in your building . That would NEVER have happened in my primary- cuz we never can hear any talks or prayers.

sara said...

I just posted about this rotten experience on my blog. I've asked people to send you a $5 donation so you can buy lots of eggs and toilet paper.
After all, WWJD? I'm pretty sure he'd seek revenge on anyone who makes a child feel bad for their prayer.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, I just lost another follower and I don't even CARE because I am laughing so hard at ya'll! GOOD Riddance! That's what I SAY! Don't let the door hit ya on the way out! ha ha

That follower probably couldn't believe I hadn't taught my son the proper ways to pray publicly. Shame on me.

And the verifier says helholog.

HOW FUNNY IS THAT! This post is a hell hole log. No wonder I lost another follower.

This blog is definitely not for the faint of heart.

Okay, you guys are totally cracking me up, but thanks, because I really was so mad about the whole thing. So stinkin' mad. It's nice to have a posse to back me up.

Iwa, hee hee, but NO! But hee hee

Barb, hee hee. I lived in Provo for 20 years so I can testify to your testimony.

Bink, HA HA. Good to hear your attitude coming out in here again.

Springrose, AMEN. One Christmas morning my bishop. who is the coolest ever, let us go home after sacrament meeting. He was flogged in the public square by the stake president.

MISS HEIDI, I KNOW. I hear you girl. Thanks for caring. I was so mad yesterday.

HI Homer and Queen. How fun to have a queen on board. And I hope Homer is Homer Simpson. I could use some Homer Simpson right about now.

Melanie J, that is hilarious. If I were in your stake I would pray that all the people affiliated with Yo Gabba Gabba would get stuck in traffic on their way to work. ha ha Just being honest, girlfriend.

Sara, how funny. I'm going to go read your blob. I'll donate all the money to the magic quilt. hee hee. (I've got my own eggs and tp. ha ha).

Jami, ROTFLOL. You go, funny girl. Oh, you're killing me. hee hee.

Okay SHELLE, apparently you haven't been paying attention because your sons prayers were sort of already answered. I nominated you for HOTTEST MOMMY BLOGGER. You and Alison and Lo. Lo's got the advantage because she's willing to go topless, so you better find your bikini, at least.

April, Eliza, Wixom,Swirl thanks for you support. Swirl I got the cutest pics of your son during the super bowl. I'll post them tonight.


Motherboard said...

She was wrong, he was right!
Neener neener!

(next time your son prays, he should pray that his primary leader will come back from the dark side!)

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I told hubby about your Kung Fu story tonight and he said you should also imagine from Horton Hears a Who (the Jim Carrey version) where Horton is fighting the tree and kabamming it. That would work too.

Woo, I'm getting all Kung Fu over here (and I've never even seen the movie). Poor kid. How can she say you can't pray about football? A kid can pray about whatever they want - they are praying aren't they? Let's not lose sight of that big picture, sheesh.

Anonymous said...

I can picture this kind of thing happening in the ward I grew up in -- a ward where I once witnessed a member of the Sunday School presidency dragging a kid to class by his ear, really. And MOST of my classmates from those years spent most of their young adult years inactive, although some have found their way back to the church.

And I'm almost certain that scenario would NEVER happen in my current ward, and I'm very grateful for that. I'm not saying the Primary Presidency wouldn't have found a way to address the issue, but I'm nearly positive they wouldn't do it in such an awful, uncharitable, shaming way. UGH. (Once, though, after I taught a Sharing Time where I thought the kids had participated particularly nicely and enthusiastically, to my shock another presidency member got up afterwards and berated the kids for being rowdy. So I guess even in my usually-very-kind primary stuff can take you by surprise.)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha Andrea and Motherboard. SO cute.

My imaginary friend, you're right. It's a really wonderful primary and actually the best ward ever. BISHOP ROCKS, but people take you by surprise. I'm sure she meant well. She doesn't have any kids yet so that explains part of it. I just hate to see little spirits squashed as they are forming. These are the experiences that we remember and that can even define us.

Liz said...

wait, ctd, i was laughing so hard. and your poor boy!! i'm with you if you ever do kung fu the sharing time gal . . . and i look more like a panda then you so it would be an authentic butt whippin. love ur boy!!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

OHMYGOSH Crash...I just don't understand how you KNEW that it was my life long dream to be nominated as HOTTEST MOMMY's the universe and TWIN telepathy!!!


I won't go topless, so LO does have an advantage...but I am willing to show them my underwater pics...hello HOTTIE!!! :) I'm a shoo in! right? hello? Is this thing on?

I'd like to put my vote in now for Alyson as Miss Photogenic for HOTTEST MOMMY BLOGGER of 2009 award! Do we vote on that with these awards? And what are YOU going to wear to the awards show? Because I can't decide...I want my BACK shot to be perfect when I walk the red carpet and give my SAVE THE WORLD speech.


let me know!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Poor Stephen! Did you really have to out him on that childhood humilation? No wonder he's an apostate!

Again, I'll be part of you butt-kicking posse!

Karen said...

The thing I don't understand about religion is does this child feel now about his church? Is he going to want to go back? The answer is no. I can tell you from experience (my ex was a whole-hog, over-the-top born again) that those kinds of experiences just turn children away from the church.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Thats what she said. That really stinks, it would be so much easier to be Christlike if there weren't so many iritating people around. Just saying.

tiff said...

we dont know each other at all i was reading someone elses blog abut this then cme to yours to read what happend first hand so im sorry if this offends that im leaving a comment

that is the dumbest sharing time leader ever she needs a good ass kicking (please excuss my languge) hello does she have any kids herself? one day sevral years ago my brother was teasing me and he spanked me later that night we were having family prayer my mom was praying she prays for sevral min and prays for everything while the praier was going on my brothers doughter was running around she was 2 at the time and she spanked me it was hilarious

im sorry that happend to your son all im going to say is she is an ass hole there is no right or wrong things to pray for

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Hahaha! I LOVE what Pat said. So true!

April said...

I think Anjeny should throw some Peanut M&M's at her...I've broken out in a rash all the way over here!!! This is one for the blogging across starts at home!

Funny Farmer said...

Wait a minute. Crash and Swirl are not in the same ward? I thought they were neighbors? Just how far apart neighbors are you guys? And where does Martha fit in? And Mariko and IWA and Anjeny and Liz? Who did I miss?

Oh and uh, yeah -- Bad sharing time leader!!

Lara said...

Your son has me cracking up. I remember my little brother had to give a talk on Keeping the Sabbath Day HOly in Stak Conference on Super Bowl Sunday...and he wasn't really on board with that part.

I saw on your comment to Shelle that you lost a follower, so I figured I'd make up for it. I haven't come by much, but I do like what I read, so I'll be by all the time now! :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha ha. Thanks for all the support guys. I am so laughing.

I think I should rename this blog Kung Fu Panda Diaries. hee hee

Maybe we need a Kung Fu Panda segment on our blog across America. It could be like a weekly group therapy. Cause really, I feel better already.

Shelle, I'll vote you as Miss Congeniality.

Alyson, ha ha, I know. I almost said the exact same thing. Actually I did and then I deleted it so JINX.

Amen, Pat! ha ha

Welcome Tiff and Karen. Thanks for commiserating.

April, ha hahahah a I just love you.

Funny Farmer, Martha and Swirl are in the same ward. They're the next townhouse over, but me and Martha are next door neighbors by about 10 feet. Iwa and Liz live at TVA. The apartments next to us. They might as well be in another state. ha ha. And Anjeny might as well be in another country because she lives 5 minutes away by car. ha ha

Martha said...

I don't think we should tell Fanny Farmer how we all fit into this little community. Why? Because she will use it against us and try to get us mad at each other. If we even talk to another friend's husband we are trying to steal them or check them out.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

YaY Lara! You made my day!

dede said...

I would be happy to take your lost follower's place - my son also had a very bad experience in primary yesterday (but my ward know's about my blog, so I can't post about it) - I am now reading all of your comments and replacing the sharing time leader with the idiot in my ward and I feel much better! thanks!

Martha said...

How can anyone critize what a kid says in a prayer? That is unreal. Maybe you need to volunteer to help with the next sharing time and teach about how to be kind, treat others nicely, and not to make fun of anyone or embarrass them.

Martha said...

Wait I wasn't going to tell FF how we all fit in but you must have pressed enter before me. Now she will know and ruin us.

Hurry delete your post.

April said...

I like Martha's idea! Teach the teacher!!

Anjeny said...

LOL Martha. I like that idea..LOL.

Yeah Funny Farmer, here in weird Hawaii, you can live right next door to your neighbor and be in not just another ward, but another stake...ok, I exaggerate on the stake part.

Crash..did you say that lady was a Sharing Time leader? as in the Sharing Time specialist, as in her only function in the Primary was to teach one Sunday of the month? How did she end up giving out discipline to your son?

Being in the Primary Presidency previously, I've had my share of coming accross kids who are plain rude, rowdy and outright obnoxious but usually the Primary President who did the discipline and even then, she takes the kid out of the room.

I don't think your son was horsing around, from what I can tell, he sounded like he was really sincere in his prayer. I can't believe that he was treated like that in front of the whole room like that. I guess that lady is lucky that you're just too nice to tell her off. I'm sorry about your son.

Oh by the way...this is just to address one of the commenter's comment....not EVERYBODY watches the superbowl or care for it that much.

Sandi said...

Crash could we possibly add KK insane professor(you know the one) to the list of people in power who like to humiliate other people and is in dire need of a good old kung fu butt kickin'?? pleeeaaase?

Funny Farmer said...

Fanny Farmer? Hey Martha - them's fightin' words, girl!

:assumes boxing stance and begins hopping nimbly from side to side:

Come and getcher beatin' girl!

Sandi said...

FF- your words and your mighty chick picture are scaring me.

Martha said...

I really didn't mean to put fanny farmer and didn't notice it until you said something. Although, it is kinda fanny I mean funny.

Mariko said...

Wow. I'm so glad I was not there to drop kick her.
Yes, yes. I'm really behind on my blogging. I'm not ignoring you. It's mostly because I can't check the comments at school now, so it makes me less motivated. DARN THEM! I barely even use my breaks as it is, and now they have to get all "work ethic" on me.

wendy said...

She really did that - resay the prayer. No wonder you were feeling Kung Fo Panda'ish. I'd like to sit her down and Share with Her a little of my time. grrrr. I remember one time a son of mine was sent home from scouts because he didn't have his scout shirt on---see he was very much into sports, NOT scouts, and he decided all on his own to stop by the church on his way home from baseball practise, but no, didn't have his shirt..go home . Breathe people . Oh, glad your steelers won, but I was going for the Cards, but I didn't pray for them or anything.

Anjeny said...

I think Funny Farmer has been way too long on the pew without the hubby. That can sometimes drives a real cute chick to get her knickers up...LOL, just saying.

But just to be safe, I am sooo going stay away from those fists..LOL.

Martha, can I hide behind your cute shorts? ahahah

Anjeny said...

crap..I meant to say "sitting".

Kritta22 said...

Poor little dude! He should wear a sticker next week that says something like I'll pray what I want to pray and go where He wants me to go! :P

nevadanista said...

I can't keep up on all your freakin' comments!!! Stop being sooo poopular, k :)

Ah, your poor's moments like that, that make it fun to sit through sharing time. What was she thinking?

Morgan and Derek said...

I realllllyyyy hope you gave that primary person a piece of your mind, because what the heck? Poor kid can pray about things that he needs. If he needs a team to win, then he can pray about it.

Darn primary.

Funny Farmer said...

You got it, Anjeny - my FANNY has been sitting on the pew alone in church for too long. A whole freaking six months. Just imagine what I'll be like after five years!!!

Anybody know where I can get a cannon? Guided missiles are good, too.


Stephen said...

Ha! Ha! You are soooo not funny now! No it's true I cried after a couple of Miami losses. I also cried a little my senior year in high school when our high school basketball team lost to our cross town rivals in the state playoffs. Crashes husband was on the team. I now know why my cardinals lost yesterday, it was your sons fault for praying for pittsburg. I think my sensitivity probably did contribute to my apostasy. I am trying to think of something to embarrass you about. Hmmmmm! like when you were on a date with your future husband, and after the drive in movie you fell asleep in the car on the way home and something happened to wake you up. I might have to embarrass you...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha ha ha ha

So laughing at everyone right now. Especially Stephen. ha ha I don't think it was your sensativity that made you go all apostate on us, I think it was that your prayers about the Dolphins went unanswered. hee hee

My verifier says Pandex. Ha ha. Kung Fu Panda wearing Nacho Libre stretchy pants. My verifier is to punny.

Be back later, I'm starving after a 3 hour professional development meeting with Terryl Givens, Mormon author. Stephen look him up. I got you an autographed booked called People of Paradox: History of Mormon Culture. You will like his writings, I promise. I so wish you had been present. You would have been so blown away by all the intellectual Mormon banter being batted around. No one is afraid to grapple behind closed doors here. And they dealt with some of the issues you raise on your blog.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I meant sensitivity, not sensativity. Dumb dummy.

Oh and about that embarrassing moment . . . hee hee . . . that WAS embarrassing.

Stephen said...

I just looked Terryl Givens up and I am jealous. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall and hear academics discuss these issues.

clan of the cave hair said...

ha HA! I actually found myself YELLING at the TV Sunday night "God doesn't CARE who wins...get up and play the damn game!" (when the camera man zoomed in on the Steelers having a little

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

My root canal hurts WAY too much to even think about a witty comment ;) I'm here..just wanted you to know I'm It's not really funny how bad I hurt. I'm audi. Night night.

Mark and Katie said...

I just came accross your blog, and this post totally caught my eye. I am the Primary secretary in our ward. I get the biggest kick out of the things kids say. When it's random stuff like that, you at least know it is what they are thinking of on their own. Not just some rehearsed line. Anyways...I say go on ahead and pray for football. Why not.

SWIRL said...

Okay- crash I need you to panda kick some positive mojo at
I wrote an article for them.. about book clubs for boys and have two negative comments posted already!

geez- give a gal a break!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Swirl, what the what? THAT STINKS! I'm on my way over to check it out.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Ok, Swirl, I just did a kung fu panda kick over at that site for you too.

Anjeny said...

Alyson, you are totally taking full advantage of your kung fu panda legs uh...LOL.

Laura, chin up. Don't let a mere two negative comments get you down. You have a lot of positive feedback. I've checked that site out too and left my comment. You're doing great with the bookclub...keep it up!!

So Stephen, when are you going to tell us about that embarrassing moment about your sister? She is trying to distract you so you don't tell, you know that right?

Crash, don't be blackmailing him. You tell on him, it's only fair he returns the