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Monday, February 9, 2009

Why I Might Need Therapy

I might need therapy because I don't love Sundays.

Today especially. I didn't love today.


Church, for instance. Today I was seriously so . . . well, let's just say I almost yawned myself silly. I wanted to wrestle with my boredom demons, but I couldn't wake my brain up.


Then after church, I didn't love the whole close proximity to my entire litter of offspring trying to keep the sabbath day holy thing. It's dangerously oxymoronic. Or at least dangerously oxymormonic.

Keep in mind it'ss been exactly 28 days since my last comma. (wink wink)

Thankfully I was able to punish my offspring in cruel and unusual ways without breaking any commandments. I started by making them sing the scriptures, which quickly escalated into them standing in the corner while singing the scriptures, which quickly escalated into me performing some wax on/wax off moves on them while they sang the scriptures.

Why can't we keep Mondays holy? Mondays would be so much easier to keep holy.

Today my husband and I decided to run away. Or at least briskly walk away (we would never run on the Sabbath.) We briskly walked the path from Sunset beach to Sharks Cove.

We slowed down and then came to a complete stop at Pipeline because my husband needed to make a pit stop so I found myself a nice bench in the shade to sit and wait.

Imagine me, sitting and waiting like a frump on a log, among the gently swaying ti leaves and palm trees, looking pensively into the deep blue eyes of the ocean.

Now imagine the ocean getting all rico suave on me and trying to seduce me by sending it's waves to whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

It's a good thing I left my accent and my flawless bronze legs in my pre-mortal life or no doubt I would have succumbed to temptation and had a passionate affair with the Pacific Ocean right then and there.


TIP: If you're planning a trip to Hawaii, don't forget to pack your accent and flawless bronze legs--they will match your thong bikini nicely, trust me, especially if you bring your Brazilian accent.


So the balmy breeze is running it's fingers through my . . . baseball cap, and the exotic accents are wafting in and out of my ears and all the flawless bronze legs are poking me right in the eye and I suddenly feel like the d word.

NO, not dumb! The d word that starts with d and ends with pressed.

Whenever I'm the d word I begin meditating and pondering and reflecting upon my inner wounded child, and also upon my outer flawed, un-bronzed adult.

Is that too much information? Because there's more.

There's my epiphany.

I could tell you about my sudden startling realization as I was sitting frumpity frump style on a stone bench at Pipeline beach.

Do you want to hear it?

I might need therapy because I only fall in love with famous unavailable men named Jack--Jackie Robinson, Jack Black, Jack Johnson, Jack Bauer, Jack Shepherd . . . I'm also in love John Adams and John Mayer, but everyone knows John is a synonym for Jack, which is either a complete coincidence or it's a message from the universe.

Would my husband need therapy if asked him to change his name to Jack?

Or would that be like him asking me to change my accent to Brazilian to better match my thong bikini?

44 comments:

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Oh Crash. I'm sorry you were the D word. I hope it goes away soon. I fall hopeless in like with hopeless funny male bloggers. And Dave Matthews. Always lovin' some Dave Matthews, though I did listen to Jack this weekend.

You should ask your hubby. Bet he'd change his name for you.

And again, what's up with me getting here first lately? Weird.

Funny Farmer said...

Hm. These are weighty maters, my friend. It's true that Commas and the D-word do tend to go hand in hand.

If it doesn't pass in a week, I'd ask him to change his name for sure.

I am LoW said...

I double dog dare you to ask him!!!

WV:imptypt- empty pit?

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Oh man- I KNOW exactly what you are talking about. Our family genes strike again. Hopefully Monday will be a whole new wonderful day :)<3 ya

debilyn said...

I totally feel for ya, honey!!
I've been in a massive depressed funk for 2 weeks now and it's driving me crazy!

And would you believe me if I confessed that I'm not entirely sure it doesn't have something to do with the fact that I've recently become addicted to LOST and have been fiercely attempting to catch up on all of the previous seasons I've missed up to this point and am ALSO completely in love with Jack Shephard????

Oh...and I stopped taking my meds because they were making me so sick to my stomach.

But mostly I love Jack Shephard.

binks said...

Dangitall - how come you can make the d thing funny and I can't post a thing when it strikes??
And holy squid suckers, I need a thong bikini, bronze tan and brazilian accent for Hawaii? No wonder the travel gods have not blessed my with that vacation destination. *sniff*

♥georgie♥ said...

I hear there is a dream job in Austraila

SYDNEY (AFP) – An Australian state is offering internationally what it calls "the best job in the world" -- earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful tropical island for six months.

The job pays 150,000 Australian dollars (105,000 US dollars) and includes free airfares from the winner's home country to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef, Queensland's state government announced on Tuesday.

you could round up all your 'jacks'

Hope the d word goes away soon...thats no fun!

wesley's mom said...

Sundays make me feel the D word too. Why is that? I think it has something to do with trying to force my children to keep the sabbath, because we all know forcing anyone to do anything is what you know who would do. Yesterday I actually (silently in my mind of course) put a pox on whoever decided it was a good idea to have early (8:30) church, and that is so unlike me because I am usually a morning person and I hardly ever put poxes on anyone anymore. Getting them out the door is exhasting, and spending the rest of the day in the house with them while they do horrible things like poke each other or make annoying faces at each other or make "that noise"--"he won't stop making that noise!!!" Almost puts me over the edge.

You are so right about Mondays, my little sweeties have gone to school and it is feeling so much more reverent around here already.

ps. I have crushes on John Mayer and John Adams too.

CaJoh said...

Even though you may be conscious of trying to be holy, don't let that make you say the D word in vain.

I must admit that I never tan (that's what I get for being so much like Pale Force's sidekick)

WV:intra— looks like some intra-spection for you Crash.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha. Hi everyone, I'm up early getting ready for my early morning class so I can't talk long, but I wanted to let you know that I just got a great laugh from reading all of your comments. Thanks for commiserating and for cheering me up.

LY everyone!

Funny Farmer said...

"...that is so unlike me because I am usually a morning person and I hardly ever put poxes on anyone anymore."

ROFL!

Sundays are sometimes hard for me because I get all introspective and contemplating all my sins and other such religious ruminations. It's sometimes hard to work on repentance without tumbling headlong into self-flagellation. At least for me.

Kristina P. said...

You're missing Jack Bauer and Jack Daniels. I know how you feel.

springrose said...

I'm feelin a little bit "d" today to. My hubbys 20 year class reunion is this summer and he wants to go. He just got a face book page and now everyone wants to see a picture of me. Yeah, after 5 kids in 8 years my body is not looking so pretty! Now hubby wants us both to join a fitness club so we can "get in shape" so we don't embarrass ourselves at the reunion. I say we just don't go and lay around eating bon bons, since that is what they all think stay at home moms do anyway. What can it hurt, it will just add a few more pounds to the 50 I already want to loose! Ugh!

Sandi said...

I'm glad you are getting some sympathy here but not from me missy! This is the same talk I have to give KK upon occasion because it is very difficult for me to feel too badly for anyone who gets to go sit on the North Shore of Oahu and be the D word. no sirree bob. I'm all about tough love. By the way it is freeezing cold today and that is why I am being so hard on you- because I'm thinking that having to endure a comma there is way better than having to endure a comma here. thats all. I'm rambling. Good bye

Funny Farmer said...

Sandi, that made me :D

Anjeny said...

Oh Crash...I think you post this just for me. How do you know I would need you post about the d word humorously?

Every Sunday I begged my kids, I even go so far as to make them breakfast, something I never do, so that they can keep the Sabbath day holy just for a few minutes....but noooooooo. Noise and all kinds of he did it, he's doing that again...the whole freaking day.

So, yesterday I was at a wit's end cuz I was chasing every one of my boys, literally, with my broom and dang smart kids are screaming at the top of their tongues before I even get around to them, made it sound like I was butchering them up or something.

I don't know what the neighbors thought. Kids these days are sooo spoiled. I ended up writing in my diary about all the murderous things I would so love to inflict upon my kids who one minute can be such angels and the next the minute, they are the very spawn of the devil and how I am married to the devil himself...so if I ended up in jail because my kids and hub found my diary and all that I wrote, pls send one of your jacks to bail me out...pls, pretty pls...LOL.

Sandi said...

p.s. those are all good Jacks. I approve of each and every one of them. I might add Hugh JACKman to that list, but thats just me.

Sandi said...

ahahahahahahahahah Anjeny!! that was hilarious! oh my that made me laugh so hard...I love knowing that other people feel the same way I do sometimes...the spawn of satan indeed!

Melanie J said...

Uh, oh. I think I have the same psychological disorder. That's why my husband wouldn't let me name my littlest one Jack. It wouldn't have been wrong, would it?

Anjeny said...

Thank you Sandi for laughing WITH me..LOL..yeah, I feel that mostly on Sunday when I had a very sweet discussion with my boys how wonderful it is to be peaceful on Sunday and they do just the opposite.

I love Hugh JACKman too, in all kinds of form...LOL.

Anjeny said...

P.S. I meant to write on my first comment "lungs".

Sandi said...

Yep - Sundays are the worst and the worst Sunday of all? MOTHERS DAY. UGH

Motherboard said...

OOOooo! Kristina drinks whiskey?!

I hate the D word. It happens a lot over here in Crazyland-- especially in the dark dreary winter and when its snowing (like right now). I hate the cold. BLECH!

But, on the upside.. Yes. There is an upside. You are one of THE best bloggers I have ever read. And trust me. I read a lot of them.

word ver: Drill. Drill it into your mans head that his name is Jack. Jack Jack Jack. We love Jack.

Heidi Ashworth said...

I get depressed when I'm having my comma, too. I also get crushes on unavailable men. Funny thing is, I'm also unavailable. How does this happen? I tell myself if I ever had the opportunity to live with any of these crushes, I would find out just how human he is (about as human as my husband) and the rose colored glasses would fall crashing to my feet. As a society, we tend to assign all that is "good" to the rich and beautiful, the trouble is, we each have our own definition of good when it comes to a mate. Can you imagine life for the wives/partners of these rich, beautiful and "good" men? They suffer no delusions--the Adams women are two of them--have you read what they had to go through with their "good" men? Not pretty.

T said...

I'm sure I had all sorts of great and witty things to say - but my computer has been having a fit for the past 2 hours (maybe it has an overdue comma?) and wouldn't let me comment!

I do frequent call my kids "Joe" and "Jack" even though that is none of their names... (we also use George and Frank - even for the girls) I don't remember WHY we started doing it - but maybe if you start calling EVERYONE Jack then hubby won't be so offended? (you can call me Joe though...)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I have d day's too Crash...but ultimately you are hot...and that is all that matters in the Universe these days...

At least I think so...

And HELK have your husband change is name...I'm having my husband talk in an Austrailan accent...it's what we do.

WV says, "SUPTOPID"...OH MY GOSH..it's calling me stupid...

I am LoW said...

I call my husband Gary, Fred. Sometimes.

And I have crushes on famous bald men. And 1 nonfamous bald man.

But I do hope you'd report back if you decide to take my double dog dare.

And I'll think less of you if you don't take my double dog dare. :)

My Diary said...

I am in need of some therapy too, because I am feeling the d work too. Poor Poor us.

How does one feel the d work in paradise? I want to be in Hawaii. Waah!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ooooh Andrea, I love Dave Matthews too. Maybe there's hope for me to move beyond my obsession with Jacks.

FF--hee hee.

Lo, Okay, I'll ask him. I never pass up a double dog dare. I'll R&R tomorrow. (and that doesn't mean rest and relax.)

Emily, maybe by Tuesday . . . and it's took me 5 minutes to figure out your little symbol for heart you. Can you just spell it out next time.

hee hee That was my moody Crash talk. hee he Crash talk--get it? I crack myself up.

Debilyn, I feel for you. Mostly beause we share the same name. Really we do, only I get more letters than you, which is only fair since you got more beauty. but it's weird that we also share the same Jack addictions. I wonder if there is a correlation between the d word and the J word. It's worth examining. LY Debilyn, mayb your funk pass over quickly.

Everyone DL needs a hug. Look to it.

Binks. ha hahahahahaha ha ahahahah Why do I suddenly feel like I'm watching an episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants? Did anyone else feel that way? Sandi, back me up here.

LY Binks. Sorry you didn't know about the strict travel restrictions to Hawaii. When in Hawaii . . . do as the Brazillians do, girl. Thought that was common knowledge.

OMGOSH Georgie. My husband totally wants me to take that dream job. He mentioned it to me last week. I don't think he knows about the Jack part though. I think he thought it would be a way to get my legs bronzed and seduce me into a thong. NOT GONNA HAPPEN HONEY, (unless you change your name to Jack.)

Wesley's mom, I just lOVE YOU. Don't you guys just love Wesley's mom. I think she and Debilyn and I share a lot in common. The poxing thing. The John Mayer/John Adams thing. (But you wouldn't kiss John Adams either, would you? I mean the dental hygeine thing is a problem for me). And for some reason I think Wesly's mom's name is Debbie Lynn too.

CaJoh, right on. You're the man! Love You. Too bad you're name's not JackJoh.

FF--YOU AGAIN? Okay welcome back. You're a step ahead of me on the contemplating your sins thing. I'm usually contemplating other people's sins. hee hee

Kristina P, I DIDN'T LEAVE OUT JACK BAUER. I put that in just for you. And I almost put in Jack and Diane for Lo, but John Cougar ain't my fav. (Wait, but his name is John and he writes a song about Jack! Maybe I don't need therapy!!! Wahoo. I'm cured! I'm cured! Thanks peeps.

Sandi, HOW RUDE. And how cruel and heartless of you to talk to me that way just because I have a better life than you.

hee hee J/K Sandi. But people do assume we have a perfect vacation party lifestyle over here. It's a stereotype. A true stereotype, but a stereotype nonetheless.

Springrose. AMEN SISTER. I hear you. I feel you. Been there, done that. LY, girl.

And Amen Anjeny! Hug hug, kiss kiss, big hug little kiss little hug.

I have to go to the bathroom so I'll be back to finish.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, I'm back.

Sandi, high five about Mother's Day. My mom always said that same thing.

Guess what guys . . . my mom is coming to visit. She's the only person in the world that I love that I can't poke in the eye. What am I going to do? How will I live with her for 2 weeks without poking her in the eye Is it possible?

Sandi, NEED ADVICE, STAT! April, NEED ADVICE, STAT!

Did I already write to Melanie J? If not MELANIE, you also suffer from another psychological disorder that is even more disturbing. You like Yo Gabba Gabba. And not only that you live within proximity. I'm worried about you. btw, can you ask them to change their name to Yo Yo Gabba. It sounds cooler. Or more cool, to be precise.

Melanie, my and my daughter are loving Jason Maraz. Thanks for turning us onto him. I wish I wasn't so attracted to men that start with a J.

Motherboard, WOW! Thanks for the compliment. That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me. I hear you about the winters. I used to struggle with the D word a lot more before I moved here. (Sandi, point taken.)

Miss Heidi, I totally agree. Well said, girlfriend. I know you guys know I'm mature enough to totally GET THAT. I just like to act like a 14 year old. It's so much funnier. Or more funny, to be precise. My husband is da bomb! For all the reasons Miss Heidi pointed out. Miss Heidi, you should be a therapist.

T, that's a brilliant idea. Can I call you T-Joe? Or T-dawg?

Shelle, you're so cute. I love that you have d days. hee hee And that you make your husband talk like an Austrialian. Is that because of Hugh JACKman?

My Diary, if you tell me who you are, I'll let you come to Hawaii. But you'll need to get yourself a Brazilian accent with matching thong and legs.

wesley's mom said...

Crash, I for sure wouldn't kiss John Adams (yucky teeth, blech), I probably wouldn't kiss John Mayer either, he has that claymation mouth thing going on. I do think it proves that my heart is two sizes too big seeing how I can get past those obvious obstacles and still have John crushes on both of them.

I wish my name was Debbie Lynn. It's Sue Ann, a two name name just the same. Close enough?

Gosh, I am rambling. oops

in time out said...

I love your post above...I lost a follower too, on BOTH my sites, so then I was forever trying to figure out what I had written and on which one, that she quit me. And...the one site is my private family blog, which I had invited her too. Hmmm, nothing more personal than that. So, I put a button to your blog on my family site. I think you are hilarious. I hope you get more followers. hugs.

SWIRL said...

do you know how to turn that frown upside down?
My kids hate it when I sing that song to them.. I think we must all be on the same cycle.. cuz I woke up in a bad mood today. nothing like gettin out of bed and stepping in a puddle of 7-up on your carpet. ( My kids KNOW they are only to eat and drink at the kitchen table so how did that happen?)

springrose said...

I just realized what you meant when you said you were in a coma!! Hello! I'm a little slow, it's from all the brain cells that have been sucked out of me by my 5 children, I have no one else to blame! I always called it Aunt Flow, in high school that is. I like coma better, that's what it feels like your in when your'e in it! I want to come to Hawaii too, it will seem like a vacation with all of us there. I do a mean room make over under pressure while visiting my sis in law in Az every time I go, we could have great fun, as long as I leave the kids behind.

wv dizzi, that pretty much sums up my life somedays!

Sandi said...

I think Crash must have found the happy pills..either that or the chocolate! holy moly girlfriend, take a breath!!
OK now what were you summoning me for?

nevadanista said...

Oh that I could wander out of this desert and have a lurid affair with the Pacific Ocean!!!!! It gives me the D word to know that some people live near the beach and can swim in the ocean at will, except on the Sabbath of course.

I grew up in So Cal, just three miles from the beach, and I miss body surfing, and waves in general, SO MUCH!!! But alas, I live in the desert now, and have only body surfed once in the last twenty years, which was in Santa Cruz this last summer and the waves totally SUCKED, plus the water was freezing - but I was desperate!!!!! So, next time you give in to the ocean's whisperings, think of me as you catch a wave! One of my wildest dreams that will probably never come true is to body surf the day away on a secluded beach (no longer bathing suit worthy) with perfect curling waves, not too big, not too small. Then I would relax in the sand, let the salt dry all over me (I love the smell of salt in the shower), not mind the sand in my bathing suit at all - and then go back in for more.


Give in on the Sabbath sometime just for me if you like :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, I totally feel so guilty and ashamed and whiney and gripey now after reading Nevadas comment. Nevada I WILL have a passionate affair with the Pacific ocean. Just for you. And thank you for giving me permission to do it on the Sabbath. Does anyone else have any requests?

Forgive me my insensitivity.

In time out. THANKS for relating. HOW RUDE! That stinks. Thanks for putting my button on your family site. Everyone, let's go over to in time out's place and follow her blog. If we're not already!

Hee Hee, Sandi chocolate is my happy pills.

Springrose. I just realized that I need to update my comma joke. Don't feel bad because you are not the only one who has mistaken my comma joke for a coma joke. The brilliant Jami has fallen into the same misunderstanding.

I saw comma so I don't have to day . Get it? . It's a punctuation mark that we use instead of aunt flow, and it's looks like this: . Did you see that? It's not an elipses, but a .

So I made the joke a while back, but I should revisit it. I'm so obscure sometimes. Still LY!

And coma works nicely too, as I think about it.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

SUE ANN! Okay, a two name name will do, even if it's not Debbie Lynn. My sister's middle name is Ann, so I'll accept that. You're still part of the club.

And I agree about the kissing. Mayer's mouth is super strange. But I think I would still kiss him. IF I wasn't married, of course.

Swirl, ha ha What are your kids doing drink 7-up in the a.m.? hee hee

Sandi said...

Still wondering what you needed advice about STAT?!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi, advice on how I can go for 2 weeks without poking my mom in the eye on my blog. I can't poke my mom in the eye. She's off limits. Or is she?

Verifier says dishlect.

So true! I seriously am dishlexic.

Sandi said...

Well if mothers are off limits, then I surely wish that someone would inform my children! If someone comes and stays with you for 2 weeks, then I feel it is your duty to poke them in the eye and share that experience with us...no no no!! I have a better idea, let your mom be a guest dummy for a day and she can poke YOU in the eye and come and tell us about it..YESSSS!!

nevadanista said...

That would make me so happy! Tell me all about how great it was when it happens...

wenderful said...

Emerging from lurkdom to tell you that I love reading your blog.
I have a little Jack of my own so I'm partial to Jack's too.
And I also miss my bronze legs. We should just be able to borrow them back for special occasions.
I'll be back.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi, that's a great idea. And you're right. It's my duty as a crash test dummy to poke everyone that I love regardless of whether they created me and carried me for 9 months and then fed me and clothed me and bathed me and spanked me. Mother's deserve to be smacked around too.

And Wenderful, WELCOME! It's wenderful to have you (and Jack) on board.