Thursday, February 26, 2009

Don't you hate embarrassing dirty little secrets (with fairy tale endings)?

I missed Shelle's Don't You Hate it When contest. TAMNIT! I can't beleive it! Especially since I am the queen of hating it.

Like don't you hate it when you're sitting in a ward council meeting on Fast Sunday and it dawns on you that you smell like bacon?

And don't you hate it when people drive the speed limit? (I don't mind if they drive the speed limit behind my back, just don't drive the speed limit in front of me.)

And don't you hate it when you store your canned fruit behind your V-8 so you have to drink 48 cans of V-8 just to eat one bowl of peaches?

So now Shelle is having a Dirty Little Secret Day but dirtiness in general makes me feel so . . . dirty.

Shelle, can I combine my Dirty Little Secret and my Don't You Hate It When and still win your contest, even though I missed the silly deadline? I really need to win Emily's beautiful painting.

I WILL stop following you if you say NO!

My entry could also count as an embarrassing moment if you want to start a MEM contest.

Or maybe you and Emily can work out a special prize for the Most Embarrassing Don't You Hate It When Dirty Little Secret.

Here's my entry for Shelle and Emily's new MEMDYHIWDLS contest:

WARNING! It's dirty. And gross. And embarrasing. But it does have a fairy tale ending, if you're into that sort of thing.


Don't you hate it when you're 17 and you're in love with the most popular basketball player in the school.

But it's impossible to get his attention because you live in the ghetto so you think you're ghetto . . .

UNTIL . . .

your fairy godmother sprinkles pixie dust on you and turns you into a varsity cheerleader.

PETTY, I know!

But for a 17-year old ghetto-gurl, turning into a VC is enough to make you feel like you're someone. At least someone worthy of catching the eye of your favorite varsity basketball player.

Every morning during the summer your favorite VBB Player is in the gym shooting around. And every morning you're in the same gym shakin' your booty with your VC squad.

You begin working your angles and he notices you. You're sure of it. You swear he's watching you out of the corner of his eye.

Especially on this one particular day in August.

You're wearing your short plaid shorts even though you're on your . . . comma. But you don't know you're on your comma until half way through cheer practice when you take a potty break.

Luckily you catch it just in the nick of time. Still, it's a problem because at that moment you don't have access to anything to deal with your comma.

So you do the only sensical thing. You grab a bunch of toilet paper and trouble shoot before going back out to the gym to work your magic.

And work your magic you do.

And you just keep working it without any consideration for the laws of physics and gravity.

Several roundoff back handsprings later it's time to make your exit. You saunter past your favorite VBB player with a coy grin.

He's paying you particular attention and you're flying high on the wings of love . . .

UNTIL . . .

one of your fellow cheerleaders say's "Ewww, dummy, what's that?"

"What's what?"

"That red thing hanging out of your shorts."


The moral of this dirty little secret?

You can take the dummy out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the dummy.

AND . . .

Sometimes ghetto-gurlz do win.

FYI, that basketball player married that ghetto dummy.

And they lived happily ever after.

So there!

(Well they're trying to live happily ever after . . . for the most part.)

Thee End!

P.S. Did I win?

P.P.S. You should check out Springrose's Don't You Hate It When entry. It's hee-heelarious.

P.P.P.S. Iwa, don't let Danny Boy read this. I don't want him to think I'm a dirty dummy.


Kristina P. said...

You're definitely a winner in life, even if you don't win this week.

Wait a minute, didn't you win the whole Tamn thing last time? Shouldn't you automatically be disqualified, like Miss Dummy America?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Are you kidding me? lol! YOu would have won hands down I think...that was so FUNNY!!! I'm still laughing!

You were a Varsity Cheerleader and I was on the Dance Team...don't WE make the perfect TWINS!!!

Maybe Emily will give you a I'm-late-but-still-should-win prize? Maybe?

She's your cousin so maybe you can work it...then give me whatever your prize was? Because that is what good twins do!

I'm at chuckle stage right now...that was totally good Crash...totally good!

Nobody is spilling their Dirty Secrets really, we must be the only ones who really keep anything secret huh?...oh well, maybe it will catch on next month!

Anjeny said...

ROTFLMAO....and ewwwwwww and omgoooosh and LOLOLOL...that was totally heeeelarious!! I've heard of all those embarrassing moments happening to my friends in high school and elementary but none of those come close to being that funny...I will definitely vote for ya, not just once but three times since that was a triple combination on ur part. Thanks for the laugh Crash, I can always count on your to tickle my sides.

As for springrose's story, I got that very story in my email a couple years ago. So, is that even real?

Oh btw, that was a great happy ending...I guess ur BB player was totally fascinated with the show of the comma, eh? LOL

WV is sowlei..what is up with that? Which sow is wearing a lei? LOL

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Anjeny, that's weird about the email. Maybe it's not a real story. Springrose can tell us.

Springrose? Springrose?

As for my story it's 100% true. Except I didn't do that many round off back handsprings.

Oh, and the fairy godmother thing didn't happen either.

I was going to make up a story yesterday because I almost biffed in in front of my class yesterday with an armful of papers and books. It would have been funnier if I had biffed it, and I just couldn't bring myself to lie about it.

Alyson (New England Living) said...


That is my worst nightmare, at least it was in high school. Anyone actually knowing you had a comma, like any normal girl, was the most horrifying thought to me.

And you felt the need to write a warning with my post that you shouldn't eat pizza and read my post at the same time?! I say ditto to yours!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Oh, and are you the teeniest bit worried that your husband was turned on by something like that?! ;)

lori said...

LOL! Isn't is amazing what time will do to our most embarassing moments. They become our most hilarious moments...I try to remember that when I'm turning all shades of red from humiliation.

robin said...

Oh my goodness!!! That is so gross and so funny at the same time! I so want to read it out loud to my husband who is toiling away at the table because he is so freaked out by anything remotely associated with anything um comma-like. haha!! He can't watch commercials on comma products or look at comma products etc. etc. We have been married for 13 going on 14 years and he has never once purchased comma products for me. His goal is to make it through this life never having done so.

robin said...

I couldn't help myself... I just told the story to my husband and he was gagging. hahaha.

Oh and he reminded me of his other goal in life... to never use an airplane bathroom. to this day he has not used a bathroom on an airplane (and he has taken some long flights after some Big Gulp drinks).

Jami said...

Oh you poor dummy! Sad yet gross. Surely deserving of some prize. Well, by all accounts, your husband's a prize. That's something. That's almost better than winning a painting. Right?

T said...

I've been so busy I didn't even know I was supposed to have a dirty little secret until now...

hmmm... I'm sure I have one - somewhere...

(but no... not nearly as dirty as yours!)

Sandi said...

That is the bestest MEM story ever. I think I am going to kidnap it and use it as my own whenever the need arises. It is just tooo good. Being a girl stinks A LOT of the time!

Sandi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sandi said...

oops had to delete my comment because there were spelling errors. I just can't let that slide. I noticed that you added KK to your blog list YAY! Now since she's on a famous blog maybe she will do an update once in a flippin' while! Just so you know, I just got the poo scared out of me because I thought my sound was off and all of a sudden there is IZ saying "this ones for Gabby" I nearly fell off my chair!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha ha ha LOL at all of you. Especially Robin's husband. ha ha

I'm so glad I could gross him out. hee hee

I can't believe I just published that eww gross story. I've been feeling queer about it all night.

For the record, my husband does not remember this incident and says never saw it. Perhaps that's the reason he found my glass slipper and asked me to be his princess.

Alyson, ha ha ha ha about the pizza. ha ha ha And you can rest assured my husband would NOT get the least big turned on by the comma. ha ha He's not quite as bad as Robin's huband, but he tried to resist public restrooms at all costs too.

Mabye my prize could be a years supply of . . . well it rhymes with tamn and end with . . . bon bons.

Who wants to pitch in?

Sandi, HA HA HA about Gabby freaking you out.

I've been meaning to add Kute Kasey for a while now. And Iwa too. Have I added Iwa yet. I copied her URL today, but did it end up on my sidebar? I can't remember doing it.

Sandi said...

oh oh oh I want to win the tamn bon bons! I NEED to win them! I have 4 girls people! Do you know how expensive it is when you have 5 ladies in one house all with commas? (we are down to 3 now but I'm still recovering from those busy years) Nope I don't see Iwa's link. I'm off to bed now- I haven't seen April or Kritta here in ages...where are they?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I know! Where is April? Where is Kritta? Kritta? Kritta?

Should I publish 5 or 6 comments in a row that say Kritta? Kritta?

Please come back. We miss you both.

SWIRL said...


I can't think what to say- I'm having suddon flashbacks of all my coma moments in public-- ewwww.
glad those days are over! I still keep tampons in the car.. and my husband wonders why.. I said- you never know when a sister is gonna need help.

That is the WORST!!!

nevadanista said...

OMGosh!!! Commas just suck!!! Are you putting this on Sue's very funny Friday? Think you should. Can't believe he married that ghetto girl ;-)

Youngblood4ever said...

I want to cry for you. I am going to make a contest just to let you win. Even through all the MANY embarrassing moments I have had, and I know you know that there have been MANY, you win. I concede to the queen. That has to be the worst MEM I have EVER heard. Okay, I'll stop now because I think I really need to cry for you. And then I might laugh and say a prayer of thanks that it wasn't me.

IWA said...

EEEWWWW! I am laughing so much.... and I cant stop..... mostly because it's such a Sad Funny secret... and there is nothing little about it!

First off... Your a great Writer... you are so witty with your words and your so real... oh gosh...

Buah hahahaha! still laughing!

A similar thing happened to my girlfriend at our senior graduation... and our robes were white... eww! lol!

So every time you wrote about being a Cheerleader... i thought you were teasing us....

Still laughing!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Aw, poor Crash. I would be mortified. I would never be able to tell the story. To Anyone.

But who hasn't had something embarrassing happen when the comma comes around?

You are our pioneer to starting the sharing :)

I am LoW said...

Oh me oh my!!!

I totally was a girl from the ghetto that became a Varsity Cheerleader too!! And the requirements at my high school were to have rich parents. So I don't know how it happened!?!

And I too had an awful most embarassing comma experience that involved the gym.


springrose said...

Just for the record, I don't know if the Glitter story is real or not. A friend of mine told it to me. She used to work for a urologist, and so many crazy things happened there with patients that it wouldn't surprise me. I will have to ask her tomorrow, she works crazy hours, and then I will come back and comment again.
Thanks for the shout out Crash!

CaJoh said...

Bacon… perhaps you should by the BK smell and wear that.


robin said...

April kindly sent my son a birthday card yesterday with a whoopie cushion in it. She claims it was her hubby's contribution.

My boys immediately put it to use. My son was more excited about the whoopie cushion than the cash inside the card (and believe me at 9 years old he LOVES cash!!!

robin said...

By the way if you want a funny read on something related to high school see my post for yesterday. It isn't embarrassing but I found a funny note a boy sent me in English class.

I hope you aren't offended by the fact that apparently I spent a lot of time in English class I sent a lot of notes back and forth with a guy named Shaun. I justify it with the fact that the teacher hated me. Justification is great isn't it? And I have some funny notes to show for it!!! :)

The Wixom Zoo said...

Hehehehe....comma stories always make me blush, especially when I was still in highschool and they happened to ME!

Liz said...

i LOOOOOVE this post. with all my ghetto heart.

Sandi said...

Hey Crash, DON'T use this entry for the student newspaper, K?

Mariko said...

I swear I commented on this. WHERE IS IT!? It's like how they were changing the words, but they were really changing my comments.
I'm so glad I come back to check comments.
Still sick, but well enough to check blogs. My mom would say I'm well enough to do anything if I can do something.
UGH. I died when I read this. It brought back an extremely embarassing memory. Except I had a pad, except I only had one for the whole day. And I had after school play practice. That guy definitely did not marry me. THANK gad. I'd be mortified for life.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Holy helk, batman, I don't think I would have survived the pain of it all! You are surely made of sterner stuff than I. However, I also started dating my husband at age 17. Did you do the missionary waiting thing too? Did you date someone whilst he was gone? Inquiring minds want to know.