Monday, August 29, 2011

That's how we roll in Utah

Here's a riddle for you: (Sorry, sometimes my mind works like a Five for Fighting song.)

How do you know when your kids have reached puberty? (Besides the fact that you can't get them out of bed in the morning, and they spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.)

They start laying their clothes out for school . . .

And shamelessly promoting themselves.

Notice they are wearing jeans. In August. (They also wanted to wear their new jackets because it's been a little . . . ahem, nippy . . . in the mornings.)

Please check back in January when they start laying out shorts and tank tops.

That's how we roll in Utah.

Okay, I unintentionally omitted a few things in my Seasons Greetings update. First of all, LULU! My dearly beloved! I haven't talked about Lulu in forevers! 

Lulu is doing just great. I am happy to announce that she is now the proud owner of a seat belt harness, which allows her to be buckled in at all times while traveling in moving vehicles.

(Mwuahahahahahaha!) (Remember when it was really trendy to say Mwuaaahahahaha when you blogged?)

She couldn't be more thrilled, as you can see, because there is nothing she loves more than to be restricted and restrained.

By the way, has anyone seen this bone? Anyone? Anyone?

I am also happy to announce that we are anxiously waiting for her remote control shock collar to arrive in the mail so we can help her become temple worthy. By shocking the bad out of her. And by bad I mean her passion for chasing moving objects. Some people would call it classical conditioning, but I like to call shock therapy.

There are several forms of shock therapy. One of the most effective forms is to scream at the top of your lungs in your neighbors face when her dearly beloved dog chases your bike. Throwing things at your neighbors dog is also effective. It's not being rude if you think about it. Some dogs (and people) need to be shocked straight.

That's how we roll in Utah.

When I'm finished shocking the bad out of Lulu I'm going to shock the bad out of my kids. And if that doesn't work, I'm hoping it will at least shock them out of bed in the morning.

Another thing I unintentionally omitted from my Christmas letter . . . remember how I told you about how my daughter's tennis coach looked her in the eyeball (sorry, sometimes my mind works like an Eminem song) and said, "whoever plays 1st singles is going to get slaughtered"? Well I forgot to mention that he added something to the end of that sentence. He added, "but you'll learn a lot."

Ain't that just the truth? Sometimes you get slaughtered, but you learn a lot.

Not only is my daughter's tennis coach the best old guy tennis player in the country, (that's what my daughter said) he is also like a Zen master of tennis philosophy (that's what I said).

I'm going to take his Zen tennis philosophy and raise it a couple of Buddhas. You also learn a lot when you can't breathe. You learn that air is the spice of life.

The reason I bring it up is because it appears my daughter has a theme song. No Air by Jordan Sparks. "Tell me how'm I s'pose to breath with no air?" That's an important question, now that I think about it. Now that I know my daughter is only able to access 30% the amount of air of a normal person.

"Well what percentage of air is she accessing compared to a crazy person?" I asked the doc, but apparently they don't do breathing tests on crazy people.

Wanna see photographic evidence of my daughter winning her first tennis match without any air?

(Martha, ain't it so adorable to see her in a skirt!?)

She looks surprised that a person can win without air, doesn't she?

Now here she is in her second match, going like a lion to the slaughter. 

What a little trooper scooper!  

(Btw, yes, it's true, no one around here plays tennis without a temple in sight.) (That's how we roll in Utah.)

Anyways, I took my daughter to the doc again today for a 2nd set of tests so we're waiting to find out how much longer she's s'pose to breath with no air. 

In the meantime, we can't help but be thankful about how much she's going to learn this year.  

That's how we roll in Utah.


Garden of Egan said...

The daughter is darling.
You need to put HER in Lulu's safety harness and let her out just after the Mayan Calendar passes.
That's how you gotta roll in Utah.

Oh, the boys laying out their clothes and spending hours in front of the mirror.....they are totally pubertyin'

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

What the what about the no air thing. I kind of thought that was humanly impossible. I guess this is one more proof that T is super human. As if we needed any more proof.

Ok did the voting thing make any sense at all. Seriously so aggravated. I even posted on that darn bank's page about the difficulty of find out how to vote, and they just said back to me nicely that no one else mentioned any problems, so what was wrong with me.

I am sure that life will go along just fine with out BYU/Utah game tickets on the 10th row, for goodness sake. It is just that I dared to dream the dream, you know. Of course you know, sadly you experienced the agony of defeat last year. In any event it will be fine. I will watch on TV just like every other year. Pretty sad that it sounds like I am convincing myself, huh. I really would like to know how those other people managed to get 1300 votes in just a week. Pretty impressive. And it was fun to look at all my crazy football stalking days. So it is not a total loss.

How much do I owe you for laying on your therapy couch for so long?

Send me a bill.

Aubrey Anne said...

I am LOVING your son's shirt. Haha, dying to see a picture of him wearing it with that I'm-gonna-get-a-girlfriend look on his face. Also, I love how there's always a temple in the background here in Utah. lol No where else quite the same, is there!

Susan said...

Good luck with the shock collar. We bought one for our dog and it didn't even slow him down. He's now dead.

So sorry your daughter takes in so little air. I empathize--I too can't breathe right. Rock on, anyway! That's my philosophy.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh no, Susan. You just scared me when you said your dog is now dead. I hope it didn't have anything to do with the shock collar. ;)

Aubrey Anne, I just love you name so much!!! And your attitude. The shirt is a hand-me-down from my 15-year-old who is, thankfully, past the shameless self promotion stage.

Nutty, that is difficult and complicated. Why do they make things so hard. I'd almost rather go buy you some stinkin' tickets! Seriously! Let's start a donation plate. ;) Those voting things bring back bad memories. You have to wonder if some people, who are more computer savvy, don't know how to rig these things. I STILL HOPE YOU GET YOUR TICKETS!

Garden, ha ha. I like your harness idea. In fact, that is how we roll in Utah with our youth. ha ha ALL JOKES ASIDE!

Brittany said...

If I had a son, I would buy him that shirt. It would be hard to get mad at a boy wearing that shirt because it's pretty darn funny.

Martha said...

Just got back from swimming in Darren and Jen's pool. You know they live on the point now. We have friends on the point so we are so IN now.

Yes T looks super cute in a skirt. She is so lucky she has a great coach. I may have to send Rachel up there to do her senior year so be ready. I decided (not this next tennis season) but in 2013 I will be Kahuku's tennis coach (this year I'm building a house). I hope T can start breathing again.

We've been practicing for our JTT team. The kids can actually hit it back now so it's fun.

Nan and Jim have also discovered their fashion sense. You should see Nan, she wear cute stuff now. She wears her hair down!! It's hard to believe my bball star is a girl.