Friday, July 9, 2010

Naughty Marietta and the Ancient Chinese Secret Proverb

OMGOSH, I got another ancient Chinese secret proverb in my comment box yesterday:

The human has a two tongue, is in order to observe time in the speech reason.

Am I reading too deeply or can I safely assume the Chinese are accusing me of double speak? (Language that deliberately disguises, distorts, or reverses the meaning of words, resulting in intentional ambiguity or the reversal of meaning.)

Do the Chinese think I'm kidding when I say reality bites and lub sucks?

Do they find me ambiguous when I say that Eclipse was a bad, bad, bad hair movie for Bella?

Do they see me as observing time in the speech reason just because I publicly declared that I would marry Shakespeare if he asked me?

I would marry Shakespeare if he asked me (unless I couldn't stand the way he eats popsicles).

Which brings me back to Rhoda Janzen and her theory about lub vs. like. She suggests that if you really lub someone you don't get annoyed by the little things they do. If that theory is correct then I'm pretty sure my hub doesn't really lub me. He gets annoyed by the way I spend his money.

Which is why, yesterday, his day off, I had him accompany me on all my little errands--the comings and goings and thingies required of a modern mainland Mormon mommy with a couple of kids and callings.

He was having panic attacks by the time we got out of Walmart. (hee hee hee)

(I wonder what the Chinese will have to say about that.)

So a few nights ago I was feeling a little pouty as I sat with my hub on the veranda at dusk, (btw, what's a veranda?)(just googled it)(we don't have a veranda afterall, it's more like a slab-o-cementa). I felt pouty about a lot of things. Like vampires. And Shakepeare. And the modern mainland Mormon mommy lifestyle I've chosen for myself. Then ALL OF A SUDDEN I looked up and what to my wondering eyeballs did appear? Out of nowhere?

Hedwig, from Harry Potter.

It is so true what they say about the movie camera adding ten pounds. Hedwig is way smaller in real life.

I kid not, that darn owl perched directly in front of me on the power line and stared me down like nobody's bizness.

Talk about FREAK. EEEEE.

Me and my wondering eyeballs got up. And walked to the right. And then to the left. And then to the right again. But Hedwig's neck is like Gumby and his wondering eyeballs had me in a headlock. They were trying to tell me something. Something I couldn't quite make out. Something about Shakespeare and how he wrote half of his sonnets for a dude.

"That's what you came here to tell me?" my eyeballs said back.

Just then I glanced at my hub out of the corner of my eye, and I swear on a stack of Holy Shakepeare SparkNotes he was . . . glistening.

True story.

That's when it hit me. Rhoda Janzen got it backwards. When you lub someone . . . really lub them . . . they annoy you. But you GET OVER IT.

It's when you only like them a lot that you can't get over it.

Am I right? Or am I right?

Take my MIL, for instance. Is it annoying that she wants only one tablespoon of ice cream for dessert (unless we're at Chuck-a-Rama)? YES. But I lub her guts, so I accept her for who she is--namely a one tablespoon woman.

Do I squirm in my seat when she licks her chops each time she mentions that her great great great grandmother's favorite cereal was lumpy dick? Sure. But then I clear my throat and pretend she's an innocent bystander to life.

Sometimes I LOL in her face, but I always move on, you know.

Like last week at Texas Roadhouse, when she said one of her favorite movies was Naughty Marietta.

"Sounds like a porn movie," I said.

"It's not a porn movie," she protested, "it's a love story with Nelson Eddy and Jeanette MacDonald."

She then went on to tell us that her favorite part is when all the men go tramping through the forest. "Tramp, tramp, tramp, tramp, tramp" she sang, whilst simultaneously doing jazz hands over her spare ribs.

I got over that too.

Just like I got over the time she wanted her photo taken with the Chick-Fil-A cow.

And the time she gave my twins $1 for winning the all-star baseball championship game.

Oh wait, that was my FIL who gave them $1.

But she was the one who gave my other son $1 for winning his basketball tournament championship.

Oh, wait. That was me setting her up. For entertainment purposes.

Maybe this would be a good time to confess that I also forced her at gunpoint to pose with that Chick-Fil-A cow.

But she got over it.

Because she lubs me.


DeNae said...

We get the little owls from "Hoot" over here. Very cute, but after a while I want to disable construction equipment and start swearing like Carl Hiaassn. Plus, I'm pretty sure at least three native American tribes believe that if you see an owl it means you're going to die. Or maybe it was dye. Are you planning on coloring your hair? Cuz maybe you should, just to keep the owl portents happy.

And I have people I love, like, tolerate, despise, and have never met - who all annoy me from time to time.

And Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy sang "When I'm calling Yoooo-ooo-oo-ooo-ooo", which is just what that yer-gonna-die owl says just before the rogue cement mixer rounds the corner.

So maybe watching "Naughty Marietta" is the thing that predicts you're gonna croak.

DeNae said...

And apparently I have nothing to say on the subject of your Chinese commenter, although I'm pretty sure he's had one too many puffs on the old opium pipe.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I think you are right, about everything. Good job.

Anonymous said...

I've always wanted to meet Hedwig.

Speaking of Chick-fil-a, if you go today, dressed as a cow, they give you a free meal. Who wouldn't dress up as a cow for free food?

T said...

shoot, me and my cow costume - and not a Chick-fil-a in sight...

I apparently need some foreign commenters to give me some good insights... or at least good blog fodder.

cfoxes33 said...

You make me laugh so much, I'm gonna get in trouble for reading your blog at work! LOL.

I lub, lub, lub to read you!

Martha said...

cfoxes33. I'm reading at work too and I had to catch myself from laughing out loud. Was this a super funny post or is it me? The slab o cementa cracked me up.

Now if that $1 were a $20 that might be something the kids would appreciate.

I'm in a good mood because we are blowing this popsicle joint and heading to Indiana tonight for the big family reunion. My dad said he'd pay 3/4 so that was the magic words. Adam and Perry are staying home to work and I'm taking the other 5 kids. You know my sister Linda and brother Dan have never even met Tom?

It will be so nice to get out of the mess for 9 days. I need to take a photo of the millions of boxes in the car port and all in absolutely no order whatsoever, just piled a mile high and wide. Sorry Perry for derserting, but family reunions come first!!!

Wish we could stop by Utah and see you guys on the way, but Priceline was all I could get booking so late.

Hey, the kitchen sink is in now and I got a cool pull-down sink thingy with a soap dispenser. I'm thinking it's to only upgrade we have, well that and the dual flush toilets.

Annette Lyon said...

Janzen doesn't know what she's talking about. Go get over the irritating things when you lub someone. The end.

I'd pay money to see your MIL sing, "Tramp, tramp, tramp, tramp."

Kazzy said...

You crack me up! Once your hubs was glistening did he bare his teeth to you?

Anjeny said...

I just read on someone's fb status about Utah being the #1 on the happy list and I was wondering how that is til I read your post.

I suppose if one choose a life of modern mainlad Mormon mommy while sitting on her slab-o-cementa with her glistening hub while staring down Hedwig, Utah should be number one on the happy list, wouldn't you agree?

I agree with you that if you lub someone, you get over it when they annoy you. I was totally lol-ing at your MIL's pose, reminds me of what you used to do to Swirl. Thanks for the laugh!!

gigi said...

$1.00? Really? This whole thing is just to funny. What next?

Sandi said...

Your hub was glistening? really? I'm concerned.If I had to choose, I would prefer that my hub have a 6-pack like Jacob instead of white pasty glistening skin. But that's me.
I also have a slab o cementa but veranda sounds ever so much more like what a modern mainland Mormon mommy would have, so lets stick with that. I want to spend a week with your MIL soooooo badly!

Anonymous said...


The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hee hee hee. You guys want to know what the Chinese think of that post?

Reads your BLOG article, really is a joyful matter.

Now we're talkin'.

Notice there is no ancient Chinese character for BLOG yet. ;)

I will be spending a week with my MIL on the 17th. We'll be in Island Park together. Wanna come? YOU are SOOOO invited. Just think of all the stories we could tell. hee hee

Sandi, good point about the glistening, but what's more believable, that I turned and saw my hub suddenly had a six-pack or that my hub was glistening? For all you know he could have been working out and sweating like an umu.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Kazzy, I wish he did bare his teeth. ha ha He hasn't bared his teeth in ages. ;)

Anjeny, to be honest, I don't know why Utah is the happiest state. I know when I moved last summer Hawaii and Utah were competing over who was the happiest. In Hawaii there is intense joy and happiness, but also intense frustration. In Utah there is just this intense sense of . . .intensity. I think there is a lot of loneliness here. And isolation, despite the fact that we are such a close church culture. I've met some super cool people here, like my next door neighbors and every single young women leader I work with, but if it's the happiest state in the union I don't see it in very many faces overall. It's so hard to explain, but I personally feel an overall seriousness. A restraint. A guardedness. A heaviness. I don't know how they measure the happiness of a state anyway. Seriously! No one asked me.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

DeNae, my heart just skipped a beat to think about the whole owl sighting death omen. I definitely do need to dye my hair. Maybe that's what Hedwig was trying to tell me.

Yea, for Cfoxes. You made my day. And Martha too. I like to think of you guys at work spitting your coffee out onto the computer screen. :) Okay, your diet Coke.

Martha, I also like to think of you getting off the island and leaving Perry and Adam with all the housework. It definitely sounds like you need a break. And anyway, it will be nice for Perry to get some work done alone. Works better for me that way.

Hey, I got Jack Johnson tickets. woohoo!!! I got a few extra for my magic quilt contest too. woooohooo!

IWA (e - va) said...

Hahahaha! Aww, i <3 this post.

Your MIL/FIL certaintly arent tongan... hahaha, $1.. thats hilarious!

and your totally right about lub... Im annoyed all day long but i cant sleep a wink if my hubby's not there!

Iswear this was the first post with no lulu in it!

i was thinking about her yesterday... i saw an irish-setter running through the yard and thought it looked just like lulu!

So, im so excited to hear more stories from your MIL, really, (totally turned off by the cereal name.. gag!) but so excited for her stories! btw... Im going to blame that "name of the cereal" for the reason why we are now bombarded with sugar-filled cereal and thank goodness they came along!!!!

IWA (e - va) said...

So i totally just googled what your great great great great great grandmother used to eat, to see what kind of mush mixture it was... this is from the church website from an article about President Benson....

"she would make what the family called Lumpy Dick by stirring whole wheat flour into hot milk and it would make into a consistency of pudding. She would sometimes put cinnamon and maybe a little sugar on top of it and pour cold milk over it. "This would be our supper, and it was delicious," recalled President Benson.

... again, thankgoodness for sugar cereal, i dont think i could see my self eating lumpy dick as a snack during church!

btw.. your website also came up in the google search!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH! My whole famdamily is LOLing over the fact that president Benson ate LD. hee hee hee

But I bet he never licked his chops when he told his posterity about it.

How heelarious that my blog comes up when you google search lumpy dick. Talk about search engine optimization! ha ha

Garden of Egan said... actually accused your MIL of watching porn?
You even said the "porn" word to her?
Did she know what you said?
Seriously you totally rock.

I don't think you should worry about the owl thing. Ignore DeNae. It's not an evil omen, it's more like ....uhm, you might have to clean owl poop off your shoe.

Braden said...

Crash, as your friend and fan, I have to say that this is one of my favorite posts you've ever done for a whole lot of reasons which I will not go into here because some of them are serious and that would get in the way of everyone LOLing, which is legit because it was funny, too. Great post.

Mariko said...

I used to get a dollar from my G-ma on my birthday. But back in the day that was a lot of money.
I didn't get anything for winning a championship. I'll never know what I would have gotten for winning a championship because that never happened. Because that's CRAZY.
But I lub you anyway.