Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Speaking of calm, assertive energy . . .

I'm trying to train my freakin' dog!

(Notice I said freakin' dog and not perfect puppy.) Which is why, as of late, I'm so into Cesar Millan (aka, the Dog Whisperer).

When Cesar talks, people listen.

And when Cesar doesn't talk, dogs listen.

Seriously, Cesar doesn't have to talk to dogs. He doesn't even have to whisper to dogs. He simply speaks to them with his eyeballs, using nothing but mental telepathy.

Don't try this at home, peeps, TRUST me.

And another thing to don't try at home . . . a dry dog food diet. Especially when your pup hits puberty and starts going all sassy pants on you.

My next door neighbor's pup eats dry dog food only. And she LIKES it. My pup, however, snubs dry dog food. And wet dog food too. Which is why this week I thought I'd teach her a dry dog food lesson or two.

"This is what all the starving dogs in Africa eat, " I told her on Monday.

And Tuesday.

As it turns out, she could care less what all the starving dogs in Africa eat. She just wants to eat what all the starving dogs in America are eating.

"If I wanted to eat dry dog food," she told me via ESP, "I would move to AFRICA!!"

"Watch it, little MISSY!" I told her back. "I wear the sassy pants in THIS family!"

Cesar says you should always show your dog who's in charge, not with bribery or violence, but with calm, assertive energy, which should not be confused with anxious aggressive energy (and believe you me, it's easy to confuse the two when your pre-pubescent pup is eating your daughter's underwear).

Cesar says you can take control of any situation by simply stepping into your dog's space and tapping it on the shoulder. You should also make eye contact and tell your dog (through your energy--that means mind to mind) that she's not the boss of you.

Cesar also says that you should never take anything from your dog. You should stare into your dogs eyeballs and speak (mind to mind) until it voluntarily drops the object of desire. Tell your dog (with your energy) that the object of desire belongs to you and not her.

I tried this with Lulu whilst she had my daughter's underwear in a death grip. It was hard to move into her space since she was behind the couch, but I managed to tap her on the shoulder assertively and declare (with my mind) "Give me those underwear. They belong to me, not you! I mean they don't technically belong to me, they belong to my daughter, but they don't belong to you either! They are not yours, so please drop them so I don't look like an idiot in front of all my kids."

Ten minutes later--after I had moved the couch and was laying on the floor eyeball to eyeball with her--she dropped the underwear voluntarily.

Cesar was right.

Until my Rock Star brother came over and changed out of his work clothes to play tennis with my daughter. Lulu immediately snatched one of his socks and darted behind the computer desk.

"No worries!" I told my bro, "I can control her mind."

I got all up in her space (which was tricky, and which made my hub say all kine things about how he needed photographic evidence of what he was witnessing) and I tapped her on the shoulder and began telepathically communicating with her to drop that sock, OR ELSE!

Right then and there, in front of Gad and many witnesses, she performed three adverbs and two verbs on my rock star brother's noun. She frantically, compulsively, enthusiastically gulped and then swallowed his sock.

True story.

Who does that?

Who EATS socks????

Sassy pants puppies on dry dog food diets, that's who!

At least I'm not alone. I got an email from one of my readers yesterday with the most heelarious photographic evidence of her sassy pants pup, Nellie, who also wants to stick it to the man.

That face!!! ha ha ha ha ho ho hee he he lolololol

Nellie must be on a dry dog food diet too.


Kristina P. said...

That dog looks so innocent! We know the truth.

springrose said...

That dog looks like the dog version of those cards with the old lady with boobs hanging down and a coffee cup in hand. She just looks like she has te attitude of whatdya want? Ain't gonna give it to ya no matter, no how!!!

Garden of Egan said...

I am very afraid for Lulu!
No, not that you are trying go to all Dog Whisperer on her.............
Think about it Crash.
your brother's sock!

Poor dog.

She's probably gonna have to get rabies shots or somethin'
Watch her closely. Hopefully her doggy breath still smells cute.
But it probably won't.
It will smell like brother's sock breath.

Now tell your hubs to get out the dang camera and start taking pictures of you doing dumb stuff like ESPeeing on Lulu.
I need a good laugh.

Braden said...

That first picture of Cesar shows him pulling the poor dog's cheeks. Is that calm? It's certainly assertive. Maybe that's a special advanced move for when dogs swallow personal items of clothing like socks and underwear?

Also, your sentence, "she performed three adverbs and two verbs on my rock star brother's noun" was art. True art.

Jillybean said...

Maybe if you tried feeding your sweet puppy socks and underwear, she might develop an appetite for dry dog food?
Since Lulu is so interested in laundry, perhaps you should teach her how to use the washing machine? You could let her eat all of the socks without mates.

We used to feed our dog "Kibbles and bits." She would pick out the bits and leave the kibbles in the bowl.
She once ate the insole out of my new tennis shoes.

Anonymous said...

We used to feed my grandpa's animals Twinkies. We pretty much got them for free, and the animals (especially the cows and fish) loved them.

T said...

oi! maybe if you could communicate your high and mighty blogginess to Lulu via your connected ESP stuff then she'd understand that dirty socks are of the devil.

Kathi Oram Peterson said...

I love Cesar's doggy advice, but sometimes things get lost in translation. Good luck with Lulu!

Andrea said...

Love the picture. I am SO happy I don't own a dog.

I have kids. They spread enough 'joy' for my lifetime.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha Springrose! True that!

I lub Jillybean's advice about teaching her to do laundry.

Braden, I thought the exact same thing about the dog's cheeks. Jinx.

Garden, Lucky she got her rabies shot two days ago. ;) I've been watching closely and I witness something grotesque. I'll blog about it tomorrow.

Connie said...

I don't have anything funny or profound to say but I think this is hilarious! I love Nellie's face!

DeNae said...

Our dog - who is of the same species as yours, namely "Goldicus Cuticus Idionti" - ate rocks. And these weren't just regular rocks. These were Las Vegas rocks, the kind that have made it a full-time job to be hard and dirty and generally of the variety of rock you're likely to get in a place where even the front lawns and swimming pools and flowers are rocks.

And I feel to apologize and offer a heads' up right now: I've been working on a "Whisperer" post that will go up some time in the next 48 hours, and I want you to know I'm totally NOT copying you. You copied me by getting a Goldicus Cuticus Idionti doggie!

Anonymous said...

All good things come to an end...................................................................

IWA (e - va) said...

Haha! i love that pic of nellie.... assertive looking and all!! I so dont know how to do assertive. Dr. Chowen from SOE kept telling us, "You have to be Assertive!" i would respond, How do i do that?, He'd reply, "You cant be passive or Aggressive!" and thats when i realized that i was screwd, my whole life i only got passive-aggressiveness! haha!

So i hate to tell you "i told you so!", because i cant, because i've been so against the whole Hono Lulu thing and never told you...... im not really a dog person.. had too many of them growing up.. and eventually they all ended up dying and my lil sisters would cry their lil eyeballs out, which would get me crying and i told myself no dogs, ever! cant handle when they die..... but this whole teenager rebellion thing... Hilarious! i can totally relate to Lulu! haha! if she starts home coming late, locks her bedroom door, and starts playing weird music into all hours of the night, Try being passive aggressive... it might work! lol!

ps. Hahahahahaahaha! So i just tries to post and it didnt work and made me do the form again and then i just saw your chinese! but i dont know if they agree or disagree with me! lol!

IWA (e - va) said...

btw... Can dogs pass socks?

IWA (e - va) said...

and whats up with the fortune being in English? ......... lol!

Brittany Anne Nielsen said...

Oh my goodness!! I am so glad right now that YOU have a dog, and that I don't. She is getting so big and we would love to come see her sometime. {Chase especially!} Good luck with the training, I'm feeling a little guilty that she's so naughty.

smdc said...

We got a puppy about the same time you did...I would swear that you copied me, but since we've never met, I guess the Universe just spoke to us both...anywho, also read Cesar's book and am trying to have a Cesar dog, but how do you get a dog to look at you when you want him to? Mine rolls his eyes forwards, sideways, and back to avoid looking at me when he knows he's in deep doo-doo! He would never do that for Cesar, I know that for sure!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my gosh!!!! My Chinese reader is heelarious. I mean seriously. It's like she's been reading along and knows exactly what to say to both dull and intensify my pain.

hee hee

I read DeNae's copycat post and it's heelarious too. Even though it's plagiarized. ;)

Smdc I KNOW! I totally KNOW! My puppy won't look me in the eye when she's being naughty either. Don't even tell me dogs aren't people too. I think all those dogs on Cesar's show are actors. That's where My Truman Show producers hired Lulu I bet.

Iwa, I don't know if dogs can pass socks, but I know they can regurgitate them. See tomorrows post. Oh my gosh I lol'd at your passive/aggressive vs. assertive statement. Only because I know your parents. ha ha ha I also know exactly what you mean about the dying dogs. I'm already bracing myself for the inevitable heartbreak. WWWWAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!