I'm trying to train my freakin' dog!
(Notice I said freakin' dog and not perfect puppy.) Which is why, as of late, I'm so into Cesar Millan (aka, the Dog Whisperer).
When Cesar talks, people listen.
And when Cesar doesn't talk, dogs listen.
Seriously, Cesar doesn't have to talk to dogs. He doesn't even have to whisper to dogs. He simply speaks to them with his eyeballs, using nothing but mental telepathy.
Don't try this at home, peeps, TRUST me.
And another thing to don't try at home . . . a dry dog food diet. Especially when your pup hits puberty and starts going all sassy pants on you.
My next door neighbor's pup eats dry dog food only. And she LIKES it. My pup, however, snubs dry dog food. And wet dog food too. Which is why this week I thought I'd teach her a dry dog food lesson or two.
"This is what all the starving dogs in Africa eat, " I told her on Monday.
As it turns out, she could care less what all the starving dogs in Africa eat. She just wants to eat what all the starving dogs in America are eating.
"If I wanted to eat dry dog food," she told me via ESP, "I would move to AFRICA!!"
"Watch it, little MISSY!" I told her back. "I wear the sassy pants in THIS family!"
Cesar says you should always show your dog who's in charge, not with bribery or violence, but with calm, assertive energy, which should not be confused with anxious aggressive energy (and believe you me, it's easy to confuse the two when your pre-pubescent pup is eating your daughter's underwear).
Cesar says you can take control of any situation by simply stepping into your dog's space and tapping it on the shoulder. You should also make eye contact and tell your dog (through your energy--that means mind to mind) that she's not the boss of you.
Cesar also says that you should never take anything from your dog. You should stare into your dogs eyeballs and speak (mind to mind) until it voluntarily drops the object of desire. Tell your dog (with your energy) that the object of desire belongs to you and not her.
I tried this with Lulu whilst she had my daughter's underwear in a death grip. It was hard to move into her space since she was behind the couch, but I managed to tap her on the shoulder assertively and declare (with my mind) "Give me those underwear. They belong to me, not you! I mean they don't technically belong to me, they belong to my daughter, but they don't belong to you either! They are not yours, so please drop them so I don't look like an idiot in front of all my kids."
Ten minutes later--after I had moved the couch and was laying on the floor eyeball to eyeball with her--she dropped the underwear voluntarily.
Cesar was right.
Until my Rock Star brother came over and changed out of his work clothes to play tennis with my daughter. Lulu immediately snatched one of his socks and darted behind the computer desk.
"No worries!" I told my bro, "I can control her mind."
I got all up in her space (which was tricky, and which made my hub say all kine things about how he needed photographic evidence of what he was witnessing) and I tapped her on the shoulder and began telepathically communicating with her to drop that sock, OR ELSE!
Right then and there, in front of Gad and many witnesses, she performed three adverbs and two verbs on my rock star brother's noun. She frantically, compulsively, enthusiastically gulped and then swallowed his sock.
Who does that?
Who EATS socks????
Sassy pants puppies on dry dog food diets, that's who!
At least I'm not alone. I got an email from one of my readers yesterday with the most heelarious photographic evidence of her sassy pants pup, Nellie, who also wants to stick it to the man.
That face!!! ha ha ha ha ho ho hee he he lolololol
Nellie must be on a dry dog food diet too.