Monday, September 15, 2008

How to Get What You Want and Still Live Happily Ever After . . .

I used to play games with my husband (as recently as last week). Partly because I've read all those how-to-please-your-man books and know the best ideas are the ones he thinks he came up with himself, and partly because during those rare moments when I burst into tears and tell him that he doesn't understand me OR my neeeeeds, he always has the same reply: I think I understand you AND your neeeeeds very well.

One thing you should know about my husband is that he subscribes to the notion that if you say something it will magically become true, so every so often I can't resist putting him to the test.

There are two things I need right now--something to sit on and something to wear.

At my computer is a cute wooden shaker chair. Easy on the eyes, but hard on the back. When I was younger I could sacrifice one for the other, but not now?

Hence test #1: If I was grading, emailing or writing when my husband was nearby I would sigh, stretch and shift around on my wooden chair. As soon as he would sit down to watch T.V., I would promptly jump up and do yoga poses in front of him while moaning about my aching back. In the mornings I would pull myself out of bed slowly and groan about being stiff. Nothing worked, so on our last trip to Costco I accidentally-on-purpose strolled over to the office furniture. He didn't take the bait. Yesterday, I just moped. All day my lower lip was turned down until there was a split second when my husband looked at me quizzically, his eyes flashing with insight.

I know what you need! he exclaimed. I beamed with anticipation until he did the double brow lift and smacked me on the behind, which meant he knew exactly what he needed.

Test #2: New clothes. I had a brilliant plan. One morning I threw on an old baggy pair of plaid shorts and a ratty Addidas t-shirt. I wore it all day and the next. Nothing. So I wore it a third day. Nada. I began dropping it beside my bed at night and then sliding back into each morning. Then I stopped bothering and just wore it to bed. Soon I was wearing it to the beach and to teach my class. I even wore it when we went to the temple, but without incident. You okay? my husband finally asked yesterday while I was pulling the plaid shorts on for church. Just feeling a little . . . I don't know . . . frumpy maybe, I said.

He thought for a moment before the light went. I know what you need! he beamed.

So this morning I woke up and I said to myself, Sister, it's time you take control of your life! I jumped up, despite the stiffness, put on some snug Pac Sun jeans, my favorite Charlotte Russe bolero and a pair of hemp wedges. When I marched down the stairs my husband's eyes lit up and his brows did a double lift. He knew exactly what I needed.

Going shopping! I called behind me. Be back before dark!

So bottom line, girls, here's some advice on how to get what you want. Throw on a pair of hemp wedges and go get it!


Jami said...

Hey, my husband totally goes for that line of loving support as well.

"Oh you poor thing. I know what will make you feel better." [eyebrow waggle with a significant nod toward the bedroom]

"Yes! A nap! You are so insightful, Honey! The best."

Jen said...

I love when people speak (blog) truth! Shopping is the cure-all, that's for positive.

Unless you're a man. Their cure-all is all about the wiggly eyebrows and butt slapping.

Lisa said...

So bottom line, girls, here's some advice on how to get what you want. Throw on a pair of hemp wedges and go get it!

It took you till 40-something-something to figure this out?!

j/k: great post.

Emily Anne Leyland said...

Love it! Great post:)

Barbaloot said...

Alas-I have no hemp wedges to attain my dreams. What to do now? Perhaps my super-power time control will come in handy somewhere...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

No worries Barbaloot, corky wedges will do too . . . or plain old pumps, or Nike Airs, or slippers (that's flip flops to all you mainlanders). We even go after our dreams in our bare feet here in Hawaii.

And Lisa girl, don't believe a word I say, (except I really did wear those baggy plad shorts to the temple).

Lisa (Funny Farmer) said...

You really did?!

Now that's scary.

It also assures that I will be back for more!