Monday, September 29, 2008

Today we shalt break the sabbath in fresh and original ways . . .

Yesterday I stumbled off to my ward council meeting at 6:30 am and didn't stumble back home until noon. Upon my return I cast my eyes upon my twins bickering heatedly at the computer over Runescape, then to their church clothes strewn across the living room. I also cast my eyes upon my husband watching a FedEx Golf tournament, then to his church clothes strewn across the living room. Finally I cast my eyes to the kitchen counter cluttered with breakfast, lunch, dinner and breakfast dishes.

"Today we shalt keep the sabbath day holy in fresh and unfamiliar ways," I declared and I switched off the computer and the T.V."

There was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.

"And today we shalt break the sabbath in fresh and original ways," I declared as I dusted off the vacuum, the broom and the mop. "First I will yell at you, and then I will put you to work."

"But we're not supposed to work on Sunday," they whined.

"Well, put your church clothes back on and perhaps God will have mercy," I replied.

And so they commenced to scrub and sweep and complain and when all the scrubbing and sweeping and complaining was sufficient unto my needs we sat down to eat lunch in silence.

My husband reached for the remote control but I raised my finger and my eyebrows and I did smite him, saying, "Don't even think about touching that dial."

After dinner we had a family meeting and I did murmur against each of my children and I did punish them according to their contentions.

Punishment #1: Thou shalt not watch any T.V. for the rest of the day until you can all just get along.

Punishment #2: Thou shalt not play Runescape for the remainder of your life--or at least for the remainder of your life today.

"What if we all just get along?" they cried, but I would not concede. "Why, why, why?" they cried. "Because cause cause I hate Runescape and thou shalt not hate on the sabbath," I cried back.

Punishment #3: Thou shalt each get a haircut for picture day tomorrow.

And they did murmur exceedingly.

"You are so unfair," said son #1.

"You just don't get it," said son #2.

"You always cut my sideburns like little squares," said son #3.

And my daughter, in her infinite wisdom, held her tongue.

And still in my church clothes, that I might receive mercy upon me for what I was about to do, I proceeded to cut each of their sideburns into little triangles, until my husband picked up the remote once more and said, "Gee, it sure is nice we are all getting along so well," to which I smote him mightily once more.

And when the haircuts were complete I began to itch uncontrollably in my church clothes, and I did suffereth long for the better part of an hour until at last I put on a pair of sweats and took a holy nap.

When I awoke, my boys were playing x-box and my husband was dozing in front of a muted FedEx golf tournament.

And I, in my infinite and well-rested wisdom, did hold my tongue.


I am LoW said...

LOVE it!! I laughed out loud, literally.

Sheila said...

I laughed out loud too!Love ya Mom

Lisa (Funny Farmer) said...

:Wild Applause!:

Sabbath appropriate activities are the cause of much moaning and groaning around here too. My kids just LUV it when I break into the "Thou Shalt Not" talk.

I'm thinking of getting one of those staves that turns into a snake. That's sure to get their attention, don't you think?


Emily Anne Leyland said...

Me too. I was laughing so hard my eyes started watering :)

dolly etta said...

You are channeling my frequencies Debbie! I just have to be on PMS alert to be able to pull it off! Otherwise, I am a forgiving tongue holder.

I often think of PMS as a truth hormone spell that won't allow me to hole my tongue. ; )