Vampire Lub

I saw the new vampire movie . . .

But before we get into that, let's get through the small talk, shall we?

Is it just me or was that the longest 4th of July ever?

Not complaining though; I missed the entire celebration because I spent the weekend at the magic cabin watching home movies and building fires and reading Shakespeare.

I would marry Shakespeare if he asked me. I just have a feeling he would get me, you know. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get him, but I bet it would be worth all the wherefore art thous.

Is it bad that Shakespeare is the first person I want to meet when I die? (After Jackie Robinson.) If Shakespeare can't be there I hope he sends Hamlet. (Preferably the Mel Gibson version of Hamlet.)

Anyways, I don't know why I'm enjoying the magic cabin so much as of late. It might be because I'm suffering from PVSS (post vacation stress syndrome)--(I can't even think about cookie salad without getting anxiety.)

I didn't used to appreciate the restorative qualities of the magic cabin this much. Perhaps I just wasn't looking on the bright side. I was seeing things all wrong. I know it's hard to believe, but there was a time when I actually thought these rock people perched on the mantle were creepy.

And this vacuum . . . don't even get me started about his vacuum.

Don't get me wrong, there were times I appreciated the magic cabin very much. Like after the Homecoming dance when my hub kissed me with great enthusiasm on this couch.


Little did I know that in 25 years I would be sitting in front of this fireplace suffering from PVSS, fantasizing about Shakespeare and making tinfoil dinners for his children.

And his dog.

But how cute is she???

Don't you just want to eat her???

Me too!!!!

But anyways . . . I saw the new vampire movie . . .Not of my own free will and choice, but of my mom's free will and choice. She will deny it, but she kidnapped both me and my daughter and forced us into the theater at gunpoint.

She also forced me at gunpoint to watch New Moon before I saw Eclipse.

FYI: There are good times and bad times to watch New Moon.

After midnight and a spat with your spouse, that's a good time.

Before dinner and that spat with your spouse, not such a good time--especially if you're flagging photos for the girls camp slide show. And you're in the company of three 11-year-old boys. Most 11-year-old boys are not shy about voicing their views on stupid vampire movies. Besides, there's something about the light of day, with dinner and a slide show on your mind, that makes werewolves and vampires seem irrelevant.

But after midnight, and a good scolding from your spouse, werewolves and vampires seem perfectly plausible, almost enticing.

Human men just don't get it, you know. Not like paranormal men.

"You have no idea how sick and tired I am of going to the grocery store!" I said to my hub while he was scolding me.

"Then stop going so much," he said.

(Gee whiz Wally, why didn't I think of that?)

You know what he said when I told him how sick and tired I am of driving the kids to and fro from thingie to thingie? He told me I need to be better at organizing carpools.

Edward would never tell me to be better at organizing carpools. Edward would be the carpool.

(Why why why didn't this enter my mind while my hub was kissing me enthusiastically after the Homecoming dance?)

Speaking of carpools, last Thursday night at 10:45 p.m. my hub informed me that I needed to have my 14-year-old son in Salt Lake by 8 a.m. the next morning for two basketball games. It was a good time to tell me this because everyone knows that between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. are the best hours to arrange a carpool.

The next morning when my hub opened the fridge he said, "There's no milk for cereal?"

I put on my best Betty Boop face and said, "But you said . . . "

He had to eat his words for breakfast.

Luckily you don't need milk to eat your words for breakfast.

So, anyways, yeah, I highly recommend picking a fight with your spouse before seeing either New Moon or Eclipse. Especially if your spouse thinks paranormal romance is unrealistic. (Like I said before, human men just don't get it.)

I told my hub that the only thing unrealistic about Eclipse is Bella's hair. Apparently Jacob cut his hair off in New Moon and gave it to Bella to wear during Eclipse. Good intention, but bad bad hair movie.

Despite the bad hair, Stephanie Myer poured a whole lot of corn starch into the plot and thickened it right up so now I'm totally on board the Twhylight train. After that spat with my spouse, I finally get the moral of the story. Stephanie Myer is trying to tell the world that reality bites.

Get it? Bites?

And lub sucks.

Get it? Get it? Get it? Lub sucks?

Except vampire lub. Vampire lub doesn't suck.

Neither does Shakespeare lub. Or puppy lub.

Speaking of puppy lub, in that Mennonite in a Little Black Dress memoir, Rhoda Janzen says that when you really love someone their quirks don't bother you, but if you only like them a lot they start driving you nuts.

Ain't that just the truth? I once didn't marry a guy because every time he ate a popsicle I wanted to poke his eyes out.

My puppy, on the other hand . . . I LUB ME SOME LULU!

She has bad breath and she gets me all dog-hairy. When she runs through our creek, and then through the house, she gets me all wet-dog-hairy. She eats and regurgitates socks. She snubs her dog food, but she doesn't snub her poop. Or her regurgitation.

But I LUB it! I LUB it all!

Bring it on, hairy, stinky, pooping, regurgitating puppy o' mine!

I think you're PERFECT!