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Monday, January 10, 2011

Jack Frost. And Katy Perry.

When January 10th rolls around and you haven't taken Christmas down, you begin to think that maybe you should just leave it up for next year because, hey, spring is right around the corner and then comes summer, fall and BAM, you're smack dab in the middle of winter again. 


It feels kinda redundant to keep repeating yourself every year, you know.  


We did leave our Christmas lights up one year when we lived in Hawaii, but that was just to bug our ex-door neighbor, Martha.  


Remember that, Martha? 


It kinda backfired on us though because by the next December none of the lights worked. But at least we tried to bug Martha--better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all. 


So they say.


So yesterday I was voted most embarrassing mom in the history of the world just because I testified to the truthfulness of Katy Perry when I introduced the New Young Men/Young Women theme in Sacrament Meeting.  


Kids these dayz!!! It's not like I bore my testimony of Lady Gaga or Keisha. 


I swear my kids LOOK for reasons to accuse me of being uncool and unhip.


Whatev! I'm totally with it, dude. I'm plugged in, man. On the hook.


Slap me some skin, ya'll.    


And anyways, my kids have no room to talk about what's embarrassing. They are all currently suffering from a severe jacket disorder, (which kinda makes me look bad).


I hate to say it, but almost everyone in Utah has a jacket disorder. It's one of those things we don't talk about though--we keep it on the down-low. (That's DL for us hipsters.) Rumor has it that Utah is the happiest state, even though rumor also has it that we suffer from the most depression and bankruptcy and suicide and porn addiction and ice cream addiction and prescription pain med addiction and Book of Mormon addiction . . . but I bet you haven't heard about the high percentage of jacket disorders in Utah?


My closet overfloweth with jackets and sweatshirts and hoodies and sweaters and coats, but my kids avoid these items at all costs. And if they do wear them, they wear them sparingly. 


Me thinks they're on a jacket diet. 


One of my three sons will SOMETIMES put a coat on in the morning, only to take it off as soon as he jumps out of the car for school.   


"But no one else wears coats!" They all protest. 


The only thing that would embarrass my children more than testifying of Katy Perry over the pulpit at church is if I declared that I believe the winter coat is divinely inspired. And maybe mention how grateful I am to have it in my life.  


It would be like wearing closed-toed shoes in Hawaii--blasphemous!


I have a dream that one day my children won't have to rely on my testimony of the winter coat, but that their faith in it will wax strong, regardless of what everyone else is doing. 


"If your friend's winter coat jumped off a bridge, would your winter coat jump off a bridge?" I keep asking them. 


(Totally rhetorical question, of course.) 


Betcha Jack Frost just sits back, laughs, and thinks, "HA! got 'em! They're mine now!"


One thing I've done to teach my children the basic principals of appropriate winter wear is created a chart out of vinyl lettering, which outlines exactly how to navigate their way through the icy temperatures ahead: 


(Feel free to plagiarize.)


Minimum Requirements to Avoid Getting Kung-Fu-Panda-Kicked by My Mom.

40 degrees--t-shirt and slippahs

32 degrees--light jacket

28 degrees-- light jacket, zipped

25 degrees--wool overcoat 

20 degrees--wool overcoat, buttoned and accented with a solid fleece scarf 

15 degrees--Brightly-colored stay-puff marshmallow coat.  

10 degrees or below--B-CS-PM coat, zipped, buttoned and accented with hot chocolate. 


(Btw, I would have spelled the whole thing out, but I ran out of vinyl.) 



21 comments:

Melissa said...

Here's some skin, sistah!

I relate totally! My 17 year-old wouldn't wear a coat if it killed her. And I always tell her that NOT wearing a coat WILL kill her.

And one year I took down my Christmas tree on Easter Sunday. I don't think that's an approved Sabbath activity, so keep it just between us, please!

Melissa

Me (aka Danielle) said...

I agree, you might as well leave the Christmas decor up at this point.

It's true, us Utahanions have issues when it comes to wearing a jacket/coat. If we aren't opposed to wearing one, then we insist on wearing one with shorts.

Homer and Queen said...

In Vegas if it gets below 40 we don't leave the house and we get snow days at school. I hate being cold!

Barbaloot said...

From Jack Johnson to Katy Perry? What is Utah doing to you?

I have lots (some might say too many) jackets and coats. I make sure to wear them all during winter. And fall. And spring. Maybe even summer:)

katie t said...

amen!

maybe i should live by your clothing/temp list. lol

a coat? what's that?

Jillybean said...

This morning it was my turn to drive the early morning seminary carpool. I think the temperature was around 11 degrees and I heard a rumor that the wind chill made it closer to zero.
The first girl I picked up came out to the car wearing a light sweater, UNbuttoned.
I almost asked her where her coat was, but I figured it wouldn't do any good.
I guess it's not "cool" to wear a coat, however, I'm wondering how "cool" it would be to have your nose fall off due to frostbite.
I have been told that the kids don't like to take their coats to school because they don't fit in their lockers, but I don't believe that because when I was in 7th grade we managed to stuff my cousin's coat in her locker with her still in it.

Also, I was going to tell you that our Christmas tree and decorations are still up, however, I'm pretty sure I don't want to admit that online.

Sher said...

Is that what it is? I'm constantly fighting with my boy to wear his coat to school. He'd rather just wear a light hoodie. I don't get it.
I guess I'm totally not cool, and completely out of the loop, because I had no idea that wearing coats in sub-freezing weather was dorky.

Valerie said...

This really made me laugh! I have the coat/jacket argument every morning with my 9 year old! I even told him that I was going to get turned in as a neglectful parent. At this point, I'm just glad he'll wear a jacket & that the school keeps the kids inside anytime the temperature is below 20 degees!

Garden of Egan said...

Hilarious!
If you think your kiddos have JD (jacket disorder) you should see the girls at BYUI!!! Oh. My. HELK!!!!
High heels stilletos thingys with no socks, nylons or anything.
Sometimes I just go park by the campus so I can have a good laugh when they fall.

Kim said...

My kids asked me the other day why your kids never wear shoes. When I tried to get my third grader to wear a coat, he said, "but the Framptons never do!". I said "they are from Hawaii". He nodded his head and said "Oh.". 'Nuf said. ;-)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha Kim. See what I mean about my kids making me look bad. And now we're being a bad example to boot. Feel free to use my "if their coat jumped off a cliff, would your coat jump off a bridge," line on him.Btw, there is something about your little 3rd grader that is so darn cute.

Garden, NO WAY! I used to attend that college and I had the best view on campus, from my spud bar job in the cafeteria, of all the slippers and sliders.

Valerie, AMEN! I fear being turned in as a neglectful parent all the time. Isn't it amazing the power of peer pressure.

Sher, slap me some skin, sistah. ha ha We can be uncool hipsters together.

Jillybean, you make me giggle. hee hee

Still giggling.

Melissa, my hub took the tree down last night. Darnit. I would love to break the sabbath on Easter Sunday. ;)

Katie, YES, wear a coat. And don't do drugs. hee hee Not that you would. It just sounded good together.

Barb, we are def soul sistahs. I wore jackets in Hawaii all the time. I'd rather be warm than cool. (hee hee Get it, warm than cool?)

Barb, I'm glad you said that about Jack Johnson because I had the exact same thought.

Danielle, OMGOSH, EXACTLY!!!! coats and shorts. Such an oxymormon.

hee hee I'm on a roll.

Funny Farmer said...

My jr high children explain to me that it's a locker issue - big bulky coats don't fit in their lockers and they're not allowed to carry stuff around with them. The most I can get my 8th grade son to wear is a cotton hoodie. I finally decided - hey, it's not me who's freezing my petootie off, and added winter outerwear to the list entitled: "Molehill"

This morning when I let him out of the car, I said, "that wind is really bitter today, you might want to put your hood up." As the last word cleared my lips I knew that just by saying it I had all but guaranteed that he most certainly would NOT put his hood up. He even said so, while grinning widely at me with his perfect recently de-braced teeth. But after he crossed the street and I was driving away, I looked in the rear-view mirror, and he had his hood up.

SCORE for me! hahahahahahaha

Ahem.

Kazzy said...

I just love your voice. I can hear you.

Sandi said...

Barb has a point about the transition from Jack to Katy. I'm thinking I never really heard about you bearing testimony of JJ- and there is something wrong about that! Katy Perry from the pulpit, were you on the evening news????
My indoor Christmas stuff all came down yesterday for FHE and I feel like a new woman. I don't think I'm putting it at up at all next year, just to avoid the taking down. Outdoor stuff is frozen to the house so it's still up. I wish Martha lived next door so I could leave it up and bug her. Did you know that Suli works with Martha now? Maybe I can have him bug her instead.
My daughter wont wear a coat either and she wears flip flops to church even though that is frowned upon AND it's freezing. Kids are so dumb.

T said...

11 year old left without his hoodie this morning (which I think he has been known to sleep in occasionally) because he was afraid it would clash with his outfit.

what. the. heck?

The Jacket thing is contagious - and it's rapidly spreading in the fifth grade. by sixth they're goners.

wendy said...

so....what should I be wearing when it is 15 below in my neck of the woods.!!!!!!!
actually, I should just be purchasing a ticket to Hawaii is what I'm saying...slip me some skin puleez.

and what's this about "testifying" of Katie Perry across the pulpit????

Dolly said...

I thought it was just my foolish boys. This post is comforting. Weird that the idea of endemic foolishness is comforting.

At least I have a seven year old that lets me double layer her outfits and bundle her up in a knit hat, gloves and parka every day before I send her out the door. Someone allows me to show her the love.

Leslie said...

Deb, this is so funny because it's true about the jackets!!! As for you liking Katy Perry, girl you're cool in my book!!!!

Martha said...

You could never ever bug me. Of course I was not the captain of the "Christmas Light Police" force like Perry was.

I told Tatum to wear a jacket to school tomorrow.

Colleen said...

Here we only have to worry about 16 year olds who leave notes that say (in red crayon on paper towel), went to surf Kahuku 3:30. This in the middle of a flash flood, and lightening storm. "The sun was out," he said. Yeh, for ten minutes.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh, I lub lub lub seeing my favorite Hawaii peeps all in a row in here! Hugs Colleen and Martha and Leslie and Dolly. Now I just need Iwa.

Plus FUNNY FARMER is here! Oh, HUGS galore! Hi, Funny Farmer.

Plus T and Wendy and Kazzy and Sandi! It's a partay!

I can't believe Suli is working with Martha. Small world.

Lub you all!

Colleen, Wendy and T, I want you to contribute a quite block in your child's honor. Just a piece of flannel. Please, please, pretty please.