Saturday, January 15, 2011

Three easy ways to chillax basketball

Yesterday I spent almost six hours watching my son play high school basketball. More, if you count the time I spent preparing him to play high school basketball, including the haircut and the taxi-cabbing and the sack lunch and the snacks and the gatorade run. Oh, and the IV protein bars. Getting a vein to pump his system full of protein bars takes a lot of precision.

So these particular games were the most intense games my son has ever played. It was head to head rivalry of Clash of the Titans proportions. With a gym packed to rock star capacity, it was standing room only--fans and foes alike filling up the hallways and the aisles and the stairways, insomuch that they did have to set up a big screen projector in the overflow gym to broadcast the game via satellite.

Not to mention the mysterious voice over the loudspeaker, which threatened us periodically that if we left the gym for any reason whatsoever, we would be replaced immediately.

In other words, we were disposible fans.

My hub has alway said that life is like basketball and I think he might be right. Life is serious. And basketball is serious. Very, very serious.

I cannot emphasize enough the seriousness of both life and basketball.

But it doesn't have to be that way. We can all lighten up. Can't we?

May I offer a few suggestions from my own serious life experience that might make basketball a bit more chillaxed? And a bit less confrontational?

1. YOGA. Why not fill the stands to capacity to watch yoga matches? There is no blood in yoga. And the fans most likely won't high five each other and strut around like the Chick-fil-A cow when one of their players sends an opponent to the hospital for 16 stitches--inside and out.

And I may be going out on a limb here, but I bet yoga fans wouldn't chant "CHOKE, CHOKE, CHOKE, CHOKE! at my son if he was at the foul line doing Down Dogs and Sunrise Serenades.

Just sayin'.

2. REFS. My hub says that when you play the game, you play the refs. That's basketball. And that's life. But if he really believes that, then why, why, why does he yell at the refs until I'm hiding under my seat sucking my thumb?

Could it be . . . Satan?

Or could it be that refs are people too and they have . . . leanings?

They also have power. Power plus leanings is a deadly combination.

Might I suggest implementing a program called Ref Duty, which would operate under the same premise as Jury Duty. Each citizen would be required by law, at gunpoint, to serve as a ref. No excuses! There would be an interview process to ensure there is no vested interest in the outcome of any given game or team.

And to ensure they look good in black polyester.

3. My MIL. If my MIL could be hired out to attend every basketball game on earth, there would be no more aggression in the stands. Mainly because all the aggression would be channeled in her direction. At least in between quarters and at half-time when the gangsta rap music blasts over the loud speaker.

Would you like a preview? Okay, here is my impression of my MIL in between quarters and at half-time:

Performed with extreme animated expression, right in your ear:

Oh Gad, do you like this music? I HATE this MUSIC! Do people really think this music is good? Because this. is. HORRIBLE! HONEST TO PETE! That singer sounds like someone shoved a horse down her throat! Did I mention that I. HATE. THIS. MUSIC?

I hear this a lot during games, that's why I'm so good at repeating it. In fact, technically I hear it, let's see, three times each game x three games = nine, x twice a week =18. Oh, and in between games too, so that's two more times x twice a week = 22.

22 times a week! And that's not including the times I hear it in the car when I'm listening to 103.9.

Anyways, no one will get mad at the refs as long as my MIL is close by! They'll be too busy poking her eyes out!


Susan said...

HAHAHAHA. I love it. You make me want to fly out there for a game, but mostly just to meet your MIL. She sounds hilarious.

Barbaloot said...

I look just awful in black polyester. Guess that means I can't ref. Dang.

T said...

It's almost like I was there - honest to Pete :)

and I'm now offering a small thankfulness prayer that my eldest has shunned all things competitive. Of course, he did this at the same time he shunned all things meaty and delicious, so it's been a rough go...

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Well that sounds like just the funnest saturday ever. At least something good came of it. this post.

Martha said...

Wish we could've been there to see the games and wish your twins could have been here to help Nan's team. They got slaughtered yesterday. I guess I should say, "WE" because I'm her coach. I'm not used to getting smeared and I don't really dig it. But, I just don't know if I can whip this team into shape or not. The other team was huge and I had to play everybody (even those who don't actually touch the ball or care).

Anyway so if you could spare W & G for the next 7 weeks that would be great.

On a more upbeat note, we've decided that Tommy is going to have to move to Utah and play basketball when he gets to H.S. too. One is 5-6 year olds and the other is 7-8. Alvin is his 7-8 coach. Tom starts and made 3 baskets in a row against 2nd and 3rd graders (he's in kindy). So he was high scorer with 6 and the team total was 12. We were cheering madly for the little guy. (Don't tell anyone that he cried because he was too scared to go to practice on Thursday because they were all big kids). I told him to suck it up and show them what he's made of and he did.

Where's the pics of Z?

Melissa said...

I love the idea of ref duty! LOL!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Martha, when does Adam leave? And how can I get something to him? Do you have his address?

Martha, do it. With Tommy. Alan and I sat in the game on Friday in awe of how far Zach has come in a year and a half. From the black top at Laie Park to the biggest game of his career to date. He was at the foul line with 12 seconds left in the game. We were down by 2. The whole crowd was yelling choke, choke, choke, choke! I thought I might die of anxiety. But he didn't choke and we went into overtime. We lost. But Zach made 6 three pointer during the game and had a total of 25 points. And that's not including all the other good stuff he did.

Send Tommy!

Garden of Egan said...

That is a whole lot of sweaty....and I'm talking about the refs!

wendy said...

sounds like your MIL is a good diversion at the games.

Oh boy, I have stories about sports games during high school. My daughter was a cheerleader (cut throat) and all my sons played football.

I have (sorry, but I have repented, sorta) been caught saying KILL THE REF.
or THE REF BEATS HIS WIFE (yes I really used to say that.)

I think my body and mind became possessed.

wendy said...

Oh yeah and one more thing...there was the year I "refed" womens ward basketball.
never again.
I really questioned my membership after that experience (sorta)