Tuesday, May 3, 2011

My Spring Fling


I'm back, did ya miss me? Did ya? Did ya? Did ya?

I missed me too.

Well, actually I didn't really miss me because I was with me 24/7. I was just trying to seem relatable to my readers--like I know how you feel. About missing me. But actually I don't know how you feel at all.

I've missed you though, so I think I can use my imagination.

The whole world has shifted on it's axis since I last posted. Prince William is married. Bin Laden is dead. And Casey got booted from American Idol.

Bless all their hearts.

But my world hasn't shifted at all. Nothing new or groundbreaking has happened to me. Except I made myself a little home office.


And I finished Dummy Boot camp. Wooooooohooooooo!

And I had an epiphany about my hub.

Can you keep a secret? I think he might be a sports junkie. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

I don't know why I haven't noticed this before, but he's like one of those animal hoarders who can't say no to just one. more. kitten. And then ends up with 65 kittens, who can't stop giving birth to just one. more. kitten.

Sports is just like kittens. Unspayed kittens. Tournaments breed more tournaments, which in turn breed more tournaments.

Trust me, they multiply and divide so fast it would make your head spin if I showed you my calendar. And after they divide, they conquer. First they conquer your wallet, and then they take over your time, followed by your energy, followed by your sanity. Fer reals, you would need a priest to exorcise your demon spirits if you had to keep track of as many games as I do.

And you'd have to breath into a paper bag every time you check your email.

See tournaments are like cockroaches. Just when you think you've got them all under control--documented, calendared, scheduled--another one springs up out of nowhere (usually in the form of an email). And then another one. And another one. You turn the lights on in the middle of the night and they all skitter about yelling "SURPRISE! There are now two of us this weekend. I mean three. Per child. Cha ching. That will be another $160, please."

It's a full time job color coding and cross references all the different leagues and locations and times of all the tournaments for all the different children we have given birth to. A job which is further complicated when one of the children we've given birth to plays on both JV and Varsity teams.

When I say this to my hub he laughs.

"What are you laughing at?" I say.

"At your intensity," he says.

MY intensity? MY intensity? MY INTENSITY?

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking WHY DO YOU ALLOW THIS INSANITY INTO YOUR LIFE?

You don't understand. You DON'T understand. I tried to put my foot down last week after I received an email from my twins coach asking if they wanted to pay $100 to participate in a two week basketball tournament which would consist of 4-5 games a week in the Salt Lake Area.

My gut reaction was "UH . . . NOoooooooOOOOOooooooo nooo, nooo, uh uh, no way, no how. I'd rather pay to have my spleen sucked through my nose."

But I'm a lady, so I consulted with my hub about all the pros and cons before shouting NO at the top of my lungs--the cons being that they are already juggling their regular basketball games and practices, as well as their baseball games and practices. Oh, and our other son is already in that tournament. Oh, and I am trying to write a book by Saturday.

But who's counting?

We decided together, as two consenting adults, to decline the offer. My hub agreed to break it to their coach at practice the next morning and I went to bed with visions of one less tournament dancing in my head.

The next day I received the following email from their coach:

Dear Dummy. Thank you so much for allowing your boys to play in the Spring Fling tournament. And I do mean Spring FLING, as in, you WILL fling yourself (or more likely your hub) off a cliff before this week is out.

Can someone please hand me my paper bag?

It was at that exact moment when all the missed clues starting piecing themselves together in my mind. It all suddenly made perfect sense.

My hub is coo coo for coconuts.

Alas, I guess he can't help it if his love language is like a fortune cookie. Everyone knows fortune cookies derive a deeper meaning when you add the phrase in bed to the end. My hub derives a deeper meaning from his love language when you add the phrase on the court to the end. You could say he is bi-lingual. In fact, he speaks all the love languages fluently: Words of Affirmation on the court. Acts of Service on the field. Physical Touch in the arena. Quality Time under the hoop. Receiving Gifts in the paint.

P.S. speaking of love languages, Lulu in no longer in heat and apparently she's lost all her charms. None of the Romeos in the neighborhood will give her the time of day anymore. (Ain't that just like a man!)

(But mark my words, next they'll be trying to get her to breed tournaments.)


LKP said...

lololololololol... i HAVE missed you my friend! ::hugs:: good luck with the tournaments.

Barbaloot said...

You're finding out what summer is Utah is made of. Sports camps, and more sports camps. With maybe a few day camps thrown in for good meausre. Have fun!!

TisforTonya said...

I've been SO out of it the past week+... I don't think I've read a single blog... I've missed all this Intensity?

Martha said...

Best post ever! Ok, but just think since you have boy twins it's like you have one less kids sports stuff to go to because they are always on the same team. So count your blessings honey.

DeNae said...

This one was awesome. Love your fortune cookies. Gotta get me some of those 'in bed' ones.

Bring your manuscript this weekend. We'll work quietly in our room and not laugh and giggle and eat junk food and invite all our pals over to laugh and giggle and eat junk food. We'll work on our books.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Martha, it is true that she only has to go to one game or tournament, but it costs twice as much.

Deb, You are crazy busy girl. Thanks for stopping by.

Good luck with all of your crazy tournaments.

Martha said...

It's cheaper to get the grill out and BBQ your own. So tell Al to get a move on and make you some hamburgers for Mom's Day. I better start planning my own Mom's day because no one around here will and if I don't want to be disappointed then I gotta do it myself. I think I'll go find myself something nice at to make me happy.

We've been shelling out money right and left too. May day costumes, 6th grade waterpark adventure, and of course sending Josh to Maui. So he just called and he lost. There was a 6 hour rain delay. I asked if he was feeling good and he said "I was at 8 am when I supposed to play, but after sitting around for 6 hours I wasn't." Anyway, I'm bringing him home tomorrow early because he's a busy kid with work and school and seminary night.

I'm trying to get him to go to Provo for summer and fall and then come back here for winter and play for Dave P. and the Seasiders. Josh says he'll see how it goes up there. Porter says he'd love to have him on his team. I'd love to watch him play more. (Plus we may have a big house by then).

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Martha, that's true (to your first comment). But Nutty has a good point too. Either way, tournaments are vampires. ;)

BUT, at least they're keeping my boys occupied and out of trouble. That's what my hub says.

DeNae, I love your new profile pic! You're a cutie patootie.

Martha, shucks about Maui. And yes, the kids get more expensive as they grow. Have fun at May Day today. I bet your plan for Joshie will work. He'll be ready to come back by Jan. Unless he's in love. WAY COOL that Porter said he could be on the team! EEEeeeee! Tatum would love to play for Porter too. Just to sit the bench and take part.

The Crash Test Dummy said...


Scooby and Jon said...

Oh dear. Twin boys and another on the 12 years or so, I think our family will need another job to pay for food and tournaments...