Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Weird Today, Bewitched Tomorrow

Is it still April? Fer reals? Because I have consumed more water and accomplished more reading and writing and achieved more domestic nirvana in the past 26 days, than I have in the past 18 months.

What's up with that?

Dummy Boot Camp, that's what's up with that. And guess what? I'm going to ROCK ON, peeps!

I'm extending boot camp through May. That way I can squeeze three years worth of accomplishment into two months.

(BTW, look what I accomplished this weekend):

This is where that old empty fish tank used to sit.


So you wanna hear my weekend in a nutshell? Or should I say "eggshell?"

(Ba dum bum)

First, there was Renaissance Fair at the elementary school, in which I was unaware that my services would be required to assist in both the acquisition of two old English costumes . . .

145 Burger King Crowns . . .

and in the construction of one old English booth . . .

until the night before acquisition and construction was to commence.

Next, my Gigi, bless her heart, (literally), had a heart attack and landed in the ICU.

My daughter ditched class and we rushed to the hospital, where we found her in a delirious state, in which she looked at my daughter and told her how beautiful she is, and how gorgeous she is, and how spunky she is.

"You could be Miss America," she told my daughter.

And then she looked at me and said, "My, what big hair you have!" "I've never seen you with such big hair!"

Ain't it such a shame how old age can mess with a person's perspective? (BTW, she is recovering nicely and going in for pacemaker surgery on Friday.)

Next I got a surprise visit from my daughter's hoity toity English teacher from Hawaii. Remember Mariko?

Well, she had a cute baby since we moved, and now she's all humble, but her voice is still smoldering and she still wears tie-dye, so all is right with the world.

Next, my hub rushed to Las Vegas for the weekend to watch my oldest boy play basketball. He was travelling under very precise time constraints, as the first game started at 6:50 p.m. and he wasn't slotted to leave work until 2:00 p.m. You do the math. Even with the hour time change, he had to travel at lightening speed, without stopping, in order to make the tip off.

Being the good little Stepford wife that I am, I aligned the moon and stars to make this happen. I got the car lubed, topped off the gas tank, and refilled his 45 oz. Harts cup with Diet Coke.

I purchased potato logs and chicken tenders, and a whole bag of sunflower seeds, which I neatly arranged within arms length of the steering wheel, along with a spitting cup for the shells.

I secured extra cash, and Google mapped directions to his hotel.

I tucked treats and snacks into his bag, as well as a sweet card which read in effect: MISS YOU. LOVE YOU. WISH I WAS THERE WITH YOU. OR YOU WERE HERE WITH ME (since I'll be watching Mr. Darcy tell Lizzy that she has bewitched him body and soul.)

(Body AND soul? Fer reals? I would be happy if I could just bewitch my hub's little finger.)

My daughter and I dropped the car off for my hub at precisely 2 p.m. (Or was it precisely 2:15 p.m)? We even left the motor running and the door open so he could jump in and zoom away without delay.

My phone rang some time later and I smiled, ready to hear those three little words I have come to love so much: "Thank you, but . . . "

"Hey," he said instead, "You didn't put any CD's in the car? Where are all the CD's? What am I supposed to listen to when the radio cuts out?"

They say love means never having to say "I'm sorry." I guess it also means never having to say "Thank you" or "You have betwitched my little finger."

Love is super rad like that. Once you've shackled yourselves together, love becomes telepathic. In fact, I bet Lizzy never heard Mr. Darcy say the word bewitched ever again, once they tied the knot and the camera stopped rolling.

"I'm sorry honey bunches of oats," I said, (because apparently I don't love him as much as he loves me), "But I did include one CD for your listening pleasure."


The Secret. You know, law of attraction and all that jazz. It was the only CD I left in the car. I even pushed play on the way out.

(snicker snicker)

Upon his return I asked him how he enjoyed it.

"It was weird."

That's all he said. Which we all know is secret code for, "You are weird."

Weird today, maybe. Bewitched tomorrow? (Maybe?)

(A girl can dream.)

Speaking of bewitched, Lulu is still in heat. UGH!

She has definitely figured out the secret to the law of attraction because every k-nine on the block is under her spell. You should hear the little Maltese across the street whining and panting as he scratches on our sliding glass door all. night. long. It sounds just like a his whining and panting as I drop-kicked him across our yard after he figured out how to take off Lulu's chastity belt.


Marie Carlisle said...

My gosh! You had one crazy weekend! And then Sunday was a little crazy! You never lead on any sign of stress. You rock! Poor Lulu, how long does that last? Only 2 times a year though? I might trade places with her for that. How is Gigi?

McKayl said...

How fun to see Mariko and hear her sultry voice and see her cute baby!
Your dog in heat stories are seriously cracking me up. sorry. but they are :)

Susan said...

Buhahahahahaha! Why is that always my response to your posts? I have to show my hubby the pic of your dog in a diaper. He'll bust a gut!

robin said...

And here I was feeling sorry for myself all spring break being cooped up with 5 crazy kids when I could have been you with kids AND running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I am in awe of your accomplishments!

Wishing Gigi all the best!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I hate it when you find out about needing 143 crowns at the last minute. No fair. Although maybe since I would never do anything about the crowns until the last minute, then I am spared lots of worry about it until I am ready to do something about it.

Charlotte said...

My husband complained when I packed for him on a vacation once. Guess who always packs his own bags now? When he forgot underwear, I was off the hook.

wendy said...

You are going to do BOOT CAMP for another month. Wowza gir, you are one motivated chick.

I don't pack for anyone other then myself (now that my kids are grown) I figure, you are an adult now, you pack what you want and I'll pack what I want.

Hey, did you have to buy a burger with each Burger King Crown (tee,hee)

Mariko said...

Bwah ha ha ha. On the chastity belt.

I can't do the math. Did he make it on time? Really?

I should be doing boot camp with you. Would I be more motivated if I lived in Utah?

It was so good to see you. We'll meet up for some awesome trip during the summer before my next baby. Deal?
We should go to blogher. That's in August.

Donna said...

I challenged myself to see if I can achieve perfection in just such a situation like yours...I have tried to think of everything, meet every need, jump through every hoop...find the perfect food, drink and comfort......and every time there is something missing....although it is fun to try to meet every never works!! But I would love for someone to try it for me sometime!!

DeNae said...

OK, I'm thinking you earned a little "bewitched" talk. Do I need to have a chat with your husband? Cuz no way am I doing that, sister. Sheesh, think I'm nuts??

Re: Lulu. No lie, my WV is 'woofe.'