Thursday, April 7, 2011

Your Friendly Dumb and Dumber Guru (and company)

This just in: My daughter has been promoted at the flower shop! She is no longer a bucket girl, she's a flower girl!

Or as the French would say, she's a floral arteest. A floral arteest who works regular shifts and gets to train the new bucket girl. At least that's what she keeps telling us over and over, with a big ole' grin on her face, as she shakes her little booty around the house singing, "I got a promotion!"

In other news, remember the night I got thrown in jail for breaking section 004723892 of the flag etiquette law? Well today I picked my 14-year-old son up from school and, to my utter shock and awe, he came out of the school, in slow motion, wearing a flag. Honest Abe, he was wrapped in a flag. The whole world stood still as he sauntered towards me like a caped crusader (minus the crusade) with an American flag fluttering behind him.

Obviously he wasn't in attendance at flag etiquette night when I was escorted out of the church in handcuffs.

Where did he come from? And why couldn't he be a floral arteest like his sister?

"WHY, son, WHY do you have a sacred, reverent, holy, consecrated, hallowed, sanctified, uncorrupted American flag tied around your freakin' neck?" I asked him (from my hiding place beneath the dashboard).

"I'm the badminton champion!" he said.

He's the badminton champion.

"But . . . but . . . but . . . you're giving the flag police the finger!" I said.

"Whatever, champions wear flag capes all the time in the Olympics!"

That's what he said to me, like, hey, if its good enough for the goose, it's good enough for the gander.


When will puberty be over?

My sweet, innocent twins are in puberty too. In fact, I caught them mocking my blog today. I walked into the room whilst they were reading my blog out loud to each other in THAT tone of voice. That listen-to-THIS tone of voice. And that mom-is-so000-dumb tone of voice.

Actually, come to think of it, it was their words which communicated these thoughts even more precisely than their tone of voice.

In my defense, I am going for dumb. And boot camp is definitely making me dumber. Case in point; yesterday I bought groceries. Checked out. Pushed my cart into the parking lot. Opened my trunk to load my groceries. Only there were no groceries in the cart. I walked out without my groceries!

You'd think they would chase me down or something, but no, I had to go back into the store, with my tail between my legs, and search for my missing groceries. I finally found them at the returns desk.

"We thought you'd probably return, " said the smarty pants returns clerk.

P.S. Would you like another tip from the dumb and dumber guru?

Never drink 7 glasses of water before attending the temple.



Martha said...

Yeah T on the promotion. And good job Z on badminton champ of the world. I just hope it didn't mess up his tennis swing. Does that kid even play tennis anymore?

springrose said...

7 Glasses of water before the temple!?! What did you do? They don't have potty breaks!!! I would have been crying by the time the session was over. And not because I was feeling the spirit. But because my bladder was going to burst! Congrats on the promo, and I feel ya about the puberity. My oldest is starting into that. Her brother stole all her training bras yesterday so we had to hunt for them last night. Is it normal for the little brothers to be so facinated by sisters undergarments? (He is 4 by the way!) Oh, the joys of parenthood....

DeNae said...

Hee hee! I bet you were good and awake at the temple! I drink mondo ginormous diet cokes while I drive to and from SLC, and then go as long as possible between potty breaks. Keeps me all sorts of alert!

And I'm with badminton boy. They do, in fact, run around with their flag capes at the Olympics. The Olympics should be the standard, not the exception. Point to Badminton boy.

I can't think of any defense for walking out of the store without your groceries. But that's because I gave up grocery shopping for Lent. Like, ten years ago. How long does Lent last, anyway?

Smart Helm said...

I never drink before I go.

Man, I crack myself up.

robin said...

hahaha!!! thanks for the laugh. And if it makes you feel any better, two of my kids think I'm REALLY dumb and they are only 6 and 7. I can't imagine how dumb they will think I am when they hit puberty.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

About a month ago I drank a bottle of water on my way to the temple and it was a big mistake. To the point that I couldn't concentrate on what was suppose to be going on and what I was suppose to do. So I debated what would be the most embarrassing, asking for the potty break or having an accident right then and there. So went for the embarrassment of making people wait, and then I couldn't find the bathroom and first opened a utility closet. So ridiculous. And then I couldn't figure out which room I had come out of. Yes it was pretty awful on so many levels. So lesson learned. Pretty much don't drink for the day before you go to the temple.

Vern said...

When is puberty over? Let's see, I'm 40, my hub is 43, carry the one....

Yeah, sort of never.

wendy said...

Oh say can you see....GOod Job on being Badminton champ.

Your daughter is a full fledged Flower Child now. groceries??? oops.

Garden of Egan said...

You forgot the groceries?
Well, at least your daughter is a flower child.

Puberty....I'm laughing at Vern's comment.

Leslie said...

This is so FUNNY!!!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey, where did my comment go? I wrote a comment on Friday and it's not here!!!! UGH! I hate it when that happens.

Martha, Zach was also the b-ball and volleyball champion. I guess that entitles him to wear the flag proudly. He was invited to be on the high school tennis team without a tryout, but he declined. Can you believe it? He is so darn focused on b-ball. And b-ball isn't seasonal. It's like the song the never ends. It just goes on and on my friend. Spring is even busier than winter. But you would be so proud of his improvement. Sometimes it's breathtaking.

Hey, GOOD LUCK WITH OIA's this week! We are all rooting for Josh and Rach!

Garden, I'm laughing at Vern's comment too. Vern is almost as funny as you. ;)

NUTTY, no WAY! Did you really have to stop the session? hee hee hee That is a first. That would be a great blog post!

DeNae, are you really on my son's side of the flag law? YAY! Maybe me and my kid aren't such weirdies, after all.

Springrose, I was going to say NO, your son is not normal, but then I read that he's four, so YES, he's normal. :)

Heidi said...

I refuse to drink anything before going to the temple. Or the store. Or church. Or anywhere. I'm going to have to read up on what this Boot Camp thing is all about but if it is something that makes smart people dumb, I'm betting it involves shunning sugar.